He doesn’t ask how I am


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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #773312 Reply

    Kk

    I’ve been dating this guy for about 8 months and things are really good for the most part. When we are together he is engaged and wonderful, has told me he loves me etc. We see each other a few times a week and talk on the phone as well as text. But a couple of times when we haven’t been able to see each other or talk for over a week (he travels halfway around the world for work) he will text me hello but never asks me how I am doing or asks me any question at all. It makes me feel like he is not the least bit curious or interested about me or my life. He is asking me questions and everything when we are together so I’m not sure if I am overreacting. He has just returned from a trip and he hasn’t asked me a single question in 10 days. He said he wants to talk on the phone later this morning. Do I bring it up?

    #773316 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Sounds like he does not like to use texting to connect. As long as he does when you see him or talk on the phone, let it go. He prefers to catch up in real time.

    #773322 Reply

    Kk

    I guess but not one single in question in 10 days is not normal imo

    #773323 Reply

    Lane

    I would assume he’s focused on his job, and doesn’t have the energy to engage in chit chat.
    He’s most likely been talking all day and using his down time to decompress, chill out, and not drain himself further. Its his way of saying “I’m thinking of you but I don’t have the energy to engage in idle chit chat.”

    When someone is travelling and engaged in business you have to give them a lot more leeway than when they aren’t. The fact he’s checking in is telling you that your on his mind, which is a good thing! Wait until he returns, go out, and you’ll have things to talk about. If its important to you, you can tell him about your day or how you are without being prompted to do so but need to also understand he may not be in the mood for it, depending on how busy his day went or is going, so may not be engaged for this reason.

    #773325 Reply

    Anderson

    I would think you should be comfortable enough to ask such reasonable questions with a guy you’ve been dating for 8 months

    #773333 Reply

    Kk

    Thank you Lane, that is how I have been approaching it to date but it strikes me as odd. He will send me pictures of himself and other such things but still no “how are you?”

    Anderson., I think I’ve decided I’m going to say something, I just have to figure out how to do it with out putting him on the defensive.

    #773347 Reply

    Better off single

    Jet lag?

    #773366 Reply

    Lane

    May I ask why this is so important to you? Why do you need him to ask how you are doing? Are you interdependent or dependent? I ask this because I don’t see why you can’t just tell him how you are doing without you needing him to prompt you? You don’t appear to be very secure in your relationship, and may exhibit controlling behaviors or you wouldn’t ‘need’ (key word) him to ask you—you would be confident enough to just tell him if you needed him to know or ask him first, to determine if he’s “in the weeds” (super busy, tired, stressed) or not, as that’s how you get to know each other better.

    The problem you have is that you are asking him to do something he is not naturally doing, so its not coming from the heart, but from a request, demand or direct order (depends on how he takes it). The problem is, you can “ask” (make a request) but don’t get upset when he naturally regresses, and stops doing it, which is human nature. I’ve been “asked” by guy’s to initiate more calls/texts—lasted about a week or two until I regressed back to my ‘natural state’ and stopped. They had two choices 1) continue to be the primary initiator; or 2) find a lady who could give them what they NEEDED. It wasn’t something I could give them, and the kicker is, it had nothing to do with my ‘feelings’ or how I felt about them; its just how I am, and forcing someone to do something unnatural doesn’t work, and if pushed, resentment will seep in and like cancer kill a relationship pretty darn quick!

    A secure and interdependent relationship naturally grows and flourishes by not expecting, needing, or demanding something from someone just to make you feel better (more secure). Its about learning how to co-exist with the person you are in a relationship with, and accepting them for the way they are, not how you think they aught to act or behave —that’s how mommy’s control their children; not a BF or SO.

    #773403 Reply

    mama

    My boyfriend of a year is sort of like this too. I feel like his personality is rather self-centric and in order to be important (when communicating via text or phone) I need to insert myself and what’s important to me into the conversation. Once I started doing this, I felt a bit more empowered whenever we had to rely on that sort of communication and felt happier about it. I stop expecting him to do it and just did it myself.

    I had to accept that he’s just not going to ask me about myself when we are communicating via text and phone. And I decided I wasn’t going to let him run the conversation so I will take it upon myself to just tell him. I’ve also explained to him what I was doing and he encouraged it. His communication style is different than mine and I took my own expectations into my own care.

    I will also say that he does an amazing job staying in sync with me when he and I are together. His actions speak louder than texts. I see his love language towards me (thank goodness it’s similar to mine, we are well matched.)

    Hopefully you can find a way to see the ways he shows you he cares — there are so many ways people show they care and love someone — asking “how are you” is just one tiny little way. Look for the other ways and if it’s not enough for you then move on or let him go so you both can find someone better suited.

    #773433 Reply

    tammy

    I agree with the last poster.

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