He disappeared after sex and I am hurting


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  • #571401 Reply
    Linda

    I feel so stupid even posting here:

    I met this guy online 2 months ago and I slept with him on our 4th date, he is attentive and caring during the first 2 months and I thought he really liked me. We communicated before as to what we are looking for online very early on and we both were looking for something meaningful and long term, so I thought we are on the same page when it comes to dating(I made sure that and asked him explicitly).

    I know I probably shouldn’t sleep with him without entering into a relationship with him and I should know better at this point, but I did not have a good judgement at that time and thought we are fine since we are on the same page and really liked each other. Now I felt used and hurt and there is no excuse for what I did.

    We had sex on last Saturday and we continued to text till Tuesday and I could feel that he was less involved as he kept telling me he was so busy at work and might not be able to meet this weekend when I was hinting on it. And nothing since Tuesday, I waited till Friday and sent him a text asking how’s his work since he was complaining it and asked what his plans are for this weekend, he got back to me 4 hrs later saying “sorry! I am heading back to upstate this weekend”. I said ok have fun at home and he never replied. Nothing ever since. He would usually almost always reply no matter what I sent.

    I know he is not interested anymore but I just have such a hard time accepting it (probably cus my bruised ego) and also because I really thought he liked me. I felt like a fool.

    I certainly won’t reach out again and will cut my loss and move on with my life. But I feel really hurt right now and am looking for some support on here.

    Please don’t scold or judge, my friends have already done that. I just really need some support and feel so disappointed.

    #571407 Reply
    Amy

    Now you know to wait until you are the girlfriend. Don’t beat yourself up. His behavior was terrible. It is so sad but this happens all the time now. (You are not alone). The dating world really sucks for girls who want commitment. Guys just happily jump around from 2month relationship to 2month relationship. We have to make them earn it. Just do.

    You did the right thing by asking. Sadly I guess asking is not enough.

    #571416 Reply
    julie

    Bless you, Learn from it and move on, we have all been there, sending a big hug xx

    #571417 Reply
    Evelyn

    I’m sorry this is happening to you. He has lost the interest.

    #571423 Reply
    redcurleysue

    I am sorry he did this.

    Do not beat yourself up…that is pointless, useless.

    The key is the learning….we ALL have to learn somehow.

    My best to you.

    #571424 Reply
    Hannah

    Quite honestly, you never know where you are with a man until you’ve had sex with him! Some will see it as a challenge if you take your time to become intimate. They will have invested time and effort in you by then, so will keep seeing you until it happens. Others do really like you but don’t feel that spark in the bedroom when it comes to it.

    It’s a relationship hurdle you have to go through at some point. Unfortunately some don’t get past the hurdle!

    Don’t feel bad. You could have waited 6 months with the same result.

    #571429 Reply
    Newbie

    Hi Linda, im sorry this happened but dont beat yourself up over it. You waited and at some point you want to be intimate too. Better to find out now than later. He probably might come back with a clear idea if he want to continue or not

    #571432 Reply
    Danita

    I agree that you never know until it happens. I understand it hurts, but it will fade with time. Sorry that it happened to you!

    #571434 Reply
    3ofJune

    Hi, Just appreciate the time that you spent with him. that time make you happy right?

    because he made you think that he like you even if he pretend or not. Just appreciate it don’t care what he think what he will do or whatever, Just care about your feeling your happy moments

    If he into you he will into you if not Live your life then roll your eyes to the boy at the corner!!!

    #571439 Reply
    Betty

    The more you focus on writing him off the better. NC! And beware, he might return some time so better figure out a plan in case he does. If he does contact you now you have a second chance to turn it around. Guys like that are interested in the chase more than anything else, and once they’ve conquered you, they move on to someone new. But he could come back so decide now if he’s worth it.

    #571444 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Why 4 dates in 2 months? Red flag without more details….

    #571448 Reply
    R

    So you slept with him and he ghosted out on you. You can look at this situation in two way.

    1) You slept with him within two months of seeing him,two months is not a long time. He stopped talking to you after two months and having sex with you. Isn’t better? If you would’ve waited for 6 months to have sex and he would’ve disappeared after that, it would’ve hurt you more. You would’ve missed him more.

    2) Girls are very emotional, we fall in love with anyone who gives us attention. For guys physical connection is very important. It is not that he didn’t like you. He liked you enough to initiate sex with you but maybe he didn’t feel that connection. I know you are hurting but having someone around who doesn’t feel the connection is not a blessing. Sooner or later he would’ve left you. So earlier the better.

    Wish you luck and stay natural. Go with the flow. Don’t play these games that wait for sex or something. WHatever you feel comfortable with do it. YOLO!!!

    #571449 Reply
    Linda

    He was away in the first 3 weeks for work and we texted and texted everyday

    The thing I felt hard to get over with is he is actually not young anymore and seems very responsible and doesn’t go out that often so I kinda assumed that he is not looking to screw around or anything. And he appeared that he liked me and said he wants a gf!

    I think I will tell him directly that I can tell that he is not seriously in dating me and it’s best we cut contact if he does come back.

    Is that a good idea?

    #571451 Reply
    Kim

    No. just tell him it appears you both are not on the same page.

    It sounds pathetic to tell him you don’t think he is into you.

    Texting means nothing. So if you judge a man’s interest by how often he texts you will get hurt every time.
    Just because he is also looking for a relationship doesn’t mean that you are the one he wants to have it with,

    Don’t take it so literally. It’s good to find men that are dating for the same reason, but don’t assume that just because they date you means they are going to fall for you. Dating is a process to decide if the person you date is worth taking it further. In this case he decided not. It’s not something to take personal. At least he showed you sooner rather than later.

    If you are going to get hurt so easily, don’t sleep with a man until you know his intentions for you.

    #571462 Reply
    Linda

    Look, one thing I don’t understand is:

    Why can’t guys just cherish what they have right now? In this case, he has me really willing to get to know him more, why he just doesn’t care at all about my qualities like caring and sweet and supportive? And not to sound presumptuous I consider myself reasonably attractive and he clearly saw that.

    I just don’t get it why are they so obsessed with the stupid chase? Why don’t they get it that what they have here is good and at least worth exploring more?

    #571463 Reply
    R

    He’s not playing any games. He stopped messaging you is a direct hint that he doesn’t want to pursue with you. I am guilty of that as well. Texting few guys off a dating site but I didn’t like them much and slowly I just ghosted out on them. Take a hint and move on. Agree with Kim don’t say that it seems he isn’t into you, why degrade yourself. If he isn’t messaging you at all you shouldn’t even have this convo with him. Just stop texting and it will be a history

    #571465 Reply
    Linda

    Ok. I certainly won’t reach out to him to have this convo.

    But what if he comes back and pretends nothing happened? I mean, if he disappears for a week and comes back, is that even acceptable now in today’s dating norm just because we are not exclusive?

    #571469 Reply
    R

    Yes it is.You aren’t exclusive to him so he can do whatever he wants. He might be going on other dates, might would want to consider his options without talking to anyone. If he comes back, you can ask him what he’s thinking. Where you guys are going together. For now just relax and keep your options open.

    #571470 Reply
    Meemee

    Don’t just automatically assume that he has bad intertion from the beginning… sometimes sparks die out, sometimes they realize you are not the one after spending more time together…

    I have this happened to me, I have certainly done this to guys many many many times… after a while. I don’t feel anything, and I just slowly ghost…. this is dardatingis all about…

    Don’t reach out, just forget and move on….

    #571480 Reply
    Sherri

    I agree with what Hannah and Meemee said.

    I remember a girl come here a few years ago, she was dating this guy for 6 months and then they had sex and he ghosted on her. When I spoke on some on my guy friends on that, all of their immediate replies were … oh the sex must not have been good for him or he must have not felt the spark.

    Yes, that guy was a DB to just ghost on her and not end it like a decent human being. But I also wondered would she have felt less hurt if he said “Hey, I know we have been dating for 6 months and now that we have had sex, I find it doesn’t do it for me anymore. Why waste more time on this and not just break it off and date others.”

    Also just because a guy says that he is dating for something meaningful doesn’t mean that he feels that something meaningful is with you. As if that was the case, the roles could be reversed and you could be asked, why did you not marry the first guy you ever dated.

    Also 4 dates in 2 months is so little. And all that texting gave you a false sense of security. What if you had met this guy for 4 dates in 2 weeks, would you have slept with him even then? Not judging…. just curious.

    I say this to all my friends – just because you slept with a guy, doesn’t mean he owes you a relationship OR it could also be the other way round. Just because a guy took you out on a date/dates, doesn’t mean that you are expected to jump into bed with him.

    To me, I seriously do not think he just used you for sex. Maybe he is genuinely busy and the sex didn’t really do it for him. The combination of both, lead him to disappear. Yes, he could have mentioned that he was not interested anymore. But I know guys do not like to deal with drama. So saying that may have opened a can of worms of “oh did u just use me etc. etc.” I find that’s why many guys ghost… they find it easier than dealing with the aftermath of break up.

    #571505 Reply
    Newbie

    Its very clear that guys can do that because they are not emotionally involved with the woman yet. So they dont feel heart pain is the girl is suddenly gone. Thats why its important during the dates not only to see if you have a hood time but also try to open up the guy, do active things etc. If they feel they get special attention and respect its way harder for them to suddenly ghost. So a guy being a gentleman etc is not enough, he has to think you are pretty damn special too.

    #571515 Reply
    R

    Newbie wrote it the best. In order to win a man’s heart, we girls need to be giving as well so they have something to miss. If the guy is doing all the work then there’s nothing to miss out on losing you. All the guys I talk to I become their instant friend first. I’ll do nice things for them not to win their heart but that’s how I am and honestly if things don’t work out for us…. they become my besties. Now I’ve got a problem I have way too many male friends that my next BF to be is going to be feel insecure about lol

    #571550 Reply
    T from NY

    Women who say what this guy did was awful — do not understand men. He did not use you. You consented as a grown woman to have sexual intercourse. You did that without getting a commitment or title the of exclusive… BUT just as other VERY WISE ladies on this forum have pointed out — EVEN if he had been your boyfriend when you agreed to sex he could have broken it off! It’s called DATING. And just because he said he was looking for something long term — what he means is WITH the RIGHT WOMAN. He may have a lot of ways (different from yours) on how he determines who is the right lady. He may not even know what they are on a conscious level — he just knows he’ll know!!

    So he decided, after sex (maybe that was the timing) that for whatever reason — he wasn’t feeling it. And let me give you a couple of scenarios of how this could have gone for him;

    A) He really likes you. He feels excited to pursue things with you therefore he texts you a lot. He is attracted to you. You two have sex and it just wasn’t a connection. He just doesn’t feel he should lead you on — so he starts to drop off. Thank him for that! He’s not lying to you or pretending to feel something he’s not.

    B) Alternate scenario: He likes you but he doesn’t know exactly how much he likes you. Be he knows he’s attracted to you. You two have sex. His concerns were confirmed. He didn’t feel an increase of affection after you two became physical. He starts to drop off. Thank him for that! He’s not lying to you or pretending to feel something he’s not.

    C) He likes you and he thinks he’s looking for something serious but then you two have sex. He panics — maybe due to how you are acting a little different or maybe just due to he realized — man I’m not up for this right now. He starts to drop off. Thank him for that! He’s not lying to you or pretending to feel something he’s not.

    Don’t you want a man that’s completely head over heels for you? This man did nothing wrong. Sex does not a boyfriend make!! Be disappointed about the IDEA of the two of you being over — but feel resolved to only expend your energy and emotions on men who want to court you and understand they would be a fool to let you go!

    #571568 Reply
    Khadija

    Linda,
    You are giving this man too much power and energy. He is one person and what he did is more so a reflection of his character.

    As your friends mentioned it probably would have been best to wait for a commitment before sex. However, nothing is ever guaranteed.

    What I suggest is always being in a place that no matter what happens after sex you will be just fine with it. You can’t expect it will change things or bring a man closer. Plus he didn’t use you. As a adult you willingly consented to have sex with him.

    I wouldn’t send him a message much less return his if he should pop back up again. Which he probably will.

    Lastly, although a guy may say he is looking for something meaningful pay attention to his actions. In 2 months you only had 4 days. That to me says a lot, people make time for what they want. Be leery of the too busy nonsense because I think that is a precursor for a disappearing act.

    #571608 Reply
    Linda

    I went on to the app where we met and he unmatched me. It makes me feel more hurt now. I just don’t know where it went wrong and what did I do wrong.

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