This topic contains 36 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Rose 2 years, 2 months ago.
November 5, 2021 at 6:01 am #929204
So I’ve been dating this guy for 6 weeks now and we’ve been on about 8-9 dates. Things have gone extremely well, he’s always pursued me. I literally don’t have one bad thing to say about him. We haven’t had the exclusivity talk yet but we plan to go on a weekend trip away to Iceland next month (he’s the one that asked me to go and the details are yet to be confirmed).
He told me he was going on a diving holiday for 20 days by himself which will be his final vacation before he starts working. He left on Monday but I haven’t heard from him since then. He text me on Monday saying he was about to get his train and he will keep me updated with photos. Prior to this he said he will have his phone on him so he will text and FaceTime me. But I’ve heard absolutely nothing. I don’t even know if he’s arrived safely. I’ve seen him online on WhatsApp a few times but no message from him and we’re used to talking almost everyday…
Should I reach out to him or leave him be till he gets back???November 5, 2021 at 6:42 am #929205
my suspicious mind will be thinking he was lying and it is a slow fade , especially if he told you he will text you etc and he doesn’t.
but at the same time if he is busy diving then he might not have time to text you, also tbh you don’t go diving on your own, it is one of those sports you shouldn’t do on your own, are you sure he is single ?
also he is not a man of his words if he said he will text and facetime you but he didn’t even let you know that he arrived safely… you want to date someone like that?November 5, 2021 at 7:22 am #929206
You do nothingNovember 5, 2021 at 7:36 am #929207
If it’s a slow fade then I honestly did not see that coming. I’m so devastated.
I’m pretty sure he is single as we’ve spent a lot of time together, doesn’t hide his phone from me etc.
I saw him online moments ago and still nothing! Can’t believe this is happening.
Of course, I would like someone who checks in at the very least and let’s me know they’re safe.
The last time that I saw him which was the day before he left, I had a gut feeling something was wrong. Something just felt off so maybe this is it.
Yes usually you’d dive with someone else and I think he’s gone with someone at the location of his trip so he’s not completely by himself.
How should I handle the situation? Should I forget about him or text him to see if he’s having a good time?
I’m just thinking how on earth am I going to move on? He’s literally everything I’ve wanted in a potential boyfriend, up until his holiday of course.November 5, 2021 at 7:37 am #929208
Yeah I’m thinking to do absolutely nothing and leave him to it. I feel like he may never text me again though.November 5, 2021 at 8:07 am #929209
why did you have a feeling something was off? you said you have been dating for 6 weeks , I am guessing sex was involved too and I am also guessing you both are on dating sites/actively looking to date others etc?
8-9 dates in 6 weeks that is not a lot of time together, that’s one date a week, sometimes 2 , which I think is enough at the beginning but progressively you should be spending more and more time together.
who did the initiating most of the time?
don’t wait for him to text you, go date others, I know it is easy to say but honestly no point waiting for him, you are not even exclusive. He might text you when he is back, but ultimately if he liked you he would be texting you , even once a week so say hi I am having a nice time, thinking of you bla bla .
and don’t go checking if he was online or not.
He might not text you again, but so what? you were fine before him you will be fine now too.
that is his loss not yours.November 5, 2021 at 8:12 am #929210
also Olivia, you can’t say he is everything I have ever wanted , you’ve known him just over a month, maybe 2 months, you don’t even know him, guys are usually on their best behaviour for 2-3 months then you see who they really are, don’t live in the fantasy world, don’t fall for his potentialNovember 5, 2021 at 10:06 am #929211
I don’t know what it was but I just felt he was a little distant. He was less affectionate than he usually is at the time but he was hungover and looking forward to his holiday as well… No, we haven’t had sex. He’s spent the night at my place only once and nothing happened. He actually deleted his dating profile a few weeks ago and then I deleted mine. But we’ve never had “the talk”.
He did most, if not all, of the initiating, I’ve not had to chase him at all.
But yeah you’re right. I won’t wait for him to text, I’ll start seeing other people and see what happens.
I guess I just like the way he’s treated me but I suppose that’s the bare minimum, that’s what he should be doing in the first place. I’m so used to being mistreated so when a guy treats me right it’s like “wow, I think I really like this one!”November 5, 2021 at 10:38 am #929212
yeah well in his head you were hard work? Because usually guys these days don’t wait this long to sleep with someone, so maybe when he stayed over he was hoping something will happen and it didn’t so he thought to himself : I’ll find someone easier .
This is what I would be thinking , because it happened to me.
But I am sure other ladies will give you great advice, just need to wait as they are in the different time zone :)November 5, 2021 at 11:19 am #929213
Ah maybe, although I did explain to him afterwards that I was on my period so I couldn’t… and he said he understands and appreciates that I told him. And that’s when I noticed he changed a little. But he still talked about us doing stuff in the future, going away etc before he left for his holiday so I don’t know.
I think if he stays silent for the entire duration of his holiday and then contacts me when he’s back, I’ll break things off with him because, like you said, he’s not a man of his words and I couldn’t be with someone like that.
And then on the other hand, if I never hear from him again, then I’ll know he was just a joke from the start and that he didn’t have the decency to tell me he was no longer interested but would rather lie to me instead.
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it :)November 5, 2021 at 12:09 pm #929214
I understand your frustration. To answer your question- no, you shouldn’t reach out to him. You’ve been dating 6 weeks, which isn’t very long- you don’t really know this guy. He’s showing you who he is with this behavior.
It’s possible that he is fading out, as Ewa says. You said yourself something felt off before he left. Please don’t build him up in your head as “everything you ever wanted” and wonder how you will move on. You will be fine. Like I said, you don’t know this guy, so you don’t know if he’s everything you wanted. It takes months and years of dating to start to really know a person.
I’m sorry this is happening, I know it stings! Honestly I think you will most likely hear from him. I don’t think he’ll go 3 weeks with zero contact. He obviously isn’t prioritizing contact with you- not even to let you know he arrived safely- it doesn’t take any time to send a short message. I know he’s not your boyfriend so you shouldn’t have boyfriend expectations- but if he promised to stay in touch but hasn’t, that right there tells you something about him. Anyway, I think you should sit tight and see if he reaches out. Don’t contact him.November 5, 2021 at 12:38 pm #929215
Men are usually singularly focused and diving can be exhausting. He is on vacation and that is his focus. Just let him be, and stop spinning a story about what it means. The reality is you are not exclusive and you are over invested for someone who is not your boyfriend. My guess is he will reach out a few times and never guess that a woman he is only dating is upset. You should not have taken your profile down as you are not exclusive. Please think of a bunch of things you want to do to get back to you while he is away. Until he is back, I suggest you assume everything is fine and he will either step up then or not.November 5, 2021 at 1:57 pm #929217
I agree with Tallspicy. He also may not actually have the reception and phone connection he thought he would. If he didn’t put it on airplane mode, then as he goes in and out of service it might pick him up as online. You can’t really tell anything by trying to stalk his WhatsApp activity, so don’t bother trying.
I’ve had early dating experiences where the guys went away for a week and I heard absolutely nothing, then they were back to business as usual the day after coming home and everything was fine. I’m not saying everything is fine here, it could go either way and you’ll need to wait for more information. But for 6 weeks, it is a good reminder to pull back and observe how he is before getting very attached. It’s still early days and you don’t know him yet. You’re also not exclusive and can stay open to other new experiences.
If he is actually going to fade out on you now because you turned him down for sex (and no one really wants their first time together to be during that time of the month), then he’s not worth pining over anyway.November 5, 2021 at 2:54 pm #929220
Yes true, I understand 6 weeks isn’t a very long time. It will take a lot longer for me to get to know him. I’ve definitely enjoyed the time we’ve spent together so far. But yes I will sit tight and wait for him to contact me, if he does.
I know he isn’t my boyfriend so he’s not under any obligation to act like one. I think I need to keep myself busy to prevent me from thinking the worst.
And yes, extremely bad timing with having him spend the night during the time I was on!
I really do hope he gets in touch at some point. But I know I’ll be okay either way :)
Thanks guys, will keep you postedNovember 6, 2021 at 8:17 am #929231
If he wanted to he would. I had an experience like that just a couple of months ago with this guy who treated me exceptional breakfast in bed, wanted me to come over every weekend, leave clothes and this was after probably 3 weeks of dating I thought it was going way too fast etc. Long story short we don’t even talk anymore after being
together a little over 2 months, because of differences. The thing is not because a guy treats you right that doesn’t mean you are meant to be. Sometimes our instincts warn us beforehand and it’s unexplainable because we can’t see what is wrong but our subconscious does. And people show their true colours one way or the other. I think he showed you who he is, you aren’t on his mind to even say hi when he is online, that’s how I would interpret it. Move on and find someone who will have the decency to give you a ‘ hey, I reached safe but guess what I might not text as often as I promised because of XYZ’ text.November 6, 2021 at 10:17 am #929234
T from NY
Oh I’m sorry this is happening! It’s the worst when you feel safe into leaning into a new connection, and then it’s starts to go upside down. I agree so much with Tallspicy. He could be enjoying himself and never dream that a girl he has a budding relationship with is upset because he’s just living his life. Of course there is the possibility he’s fading. So acknowledge that stress inside yourself! But also be grateful for it! I know that sounds wacky. But feelings aren’t facts. You’re not gonna die, or be alone forever, you’re worth isn’t dependent on some dude. Be watchful. Be observant. That’s what your job is right now with this guy.
If he fades. Be glad he showed his feelings quickly. You only want someone super into you. If he comes back acting if all is well (he just didn’t have service, was distracted etc) AND IF he pursues you after that consistently, remain watchful of his character. Are there other instances he says he’ll do a thing -then doesn’t? Maybe he’s just a little flighty or people pleasey.
But this is a good reminder from the universe to come back to yourself. Even when a guy is being the perfect pursuer/boyfriend we need to remind ourselves as women to always come back to ourselves and not make our moods solely based on how it’s going with our male partners! Re focus. Know that you’re strong enough to handle whatever this is and what’s meant for you certainly will not pass you by.November 8, 2021 at 4:56 pm #929315
Yeah, I completely understand. He is definitely showing his true colours!
It’s been a whole week and I’ve heard nothing. At this point I have erased him from my mind and decided to start dating again. I have a date with a new guy coming up this week. I know I shouldn’t assume anything but honestly, I’ve lost interested. If he had said “hey, I’m going away for 3 weeks and won’t be able to text but I’ll see you when I’m back” then it would be different. But he actually promised to face time me, send photos etc…
I don’t think I will hear from him again, which is fine. But if he did text me I know I will no longer be interested. I think that if he wanted to get in touch, he would find a way to do so. My gut was definitely right! I think it’s because nothing happened the night we spent together… The next day we had plans to go out to his friend’s house for dinner and he cancelled on me saying there wouldn’t be enough food to go around so I couldn’t go ??? And from then he started to act very strange.
I’m going to keep my options open, see other people and stop stressing over this one.November 8, 2021 at 5:03 pm #929317
OK that’s a very important piece of information that would have been helpful to have upfront!
Sadly, you’ve been ghosted. Not enough food to go around?? Oh PLEASE that’s total BS. And if he backed off because you didn’t put out, then good riddance to bad trash.November 8, 2021 at 5:30 pm #929318
The ‘Dinner’ excuse is a new one!
You dodged a bullet…November 9, 2021 at 3:48 am #929325
oh Olivia, unfortunately I was right, he might not even be away if I am honest
I also have a feeling that he would be gone even if you slept with him, so good for you that you didn’t as that would probably made you feel worse .
I also think he might be back when he won’t have other options but I hope you will meet someone else by then :)November 9, 2021 at 1:01 pm #929334
This is a case of “infatuation” which is very common in dating.
My youngest son (29) dates like this where he *initially* (key word) really likes the lady but then in a short time, 1 -2 months, his feelings for her naturally fades. Its not intentional, whereas he really wanted to experience the feeling of being *in love* like his older brother but he just couldn’t get there. He would talk about doing this and that with the ladies (aka “future talk”) but it never materialized because his feelings began to wane and the infatuation dance ended. This is why you CANNOT take any stock into what a man say’s until he has proven, over a good amount of time (six plus months) that his words can be relied upon.
Unfortunately you will meet a lot these infatuation guys before you find ‘the one’ but there a lessons from these experiences that you can learn from so you don’t keep repeating the same dating mistakes. In this case I would not reach out. He knows how to reach you, and if he can’t find the time to at least “check in” and follow up on *his words* (critical weed out factor) then he’s not the kind of man you should want to be with. If you can’t rely on a man’s words at least 95% of the time, and all you get are ’empty promises’ you are going to have a miserable relationship. Far better to be single than in a miserable relationship!
In the future, try really hard to not get swept up during the infatuation stage because it can initially *feel like love* for both guys and gals but its a case of temporary feelings that fades away in a short period of time. Really try to stay grounded by carefully watching, listening, and observing men you are dating to determine if he’s worthy enough of your time. If he fades, bounces, or disappears its OK because you don’t want to waste your breathe, time or energy chasing or trying to force a man to feel something he isn’t feeling—only waste it on those who do, and continue to prove it to you :o)November 12, 2021 at 12:43 pm #929383
Yes I think it’s a lame excuse and I didn’t believe it for one minute. I think it’s because he had changed his mind about me from that moment and didn’t want me around his friends. But he obviously couldn’t tell me that.
It’s been almost 2 weeks and I still haven’t heard from him. He’s ghosting me for sure!
You’re right in saying that he might not even be on holiday. The night before he “left” I didn’t see one bag or suitcase packed for his 3 week holiday. Maybe he’s a last minute guy like most are but still I thought that was very strange.
In future I will try not to get overly excited about a guy and wait to see if he is consistent in dating me for at least 3 months. The trouble these days is, in my experience, guys don’t stick around that long. They’ll date me for a couple of weeks and move onto the next. I guess I haven’t found someone who truly likes me yet. But I will keep dating and see who I meet.November 22, 2021 at 9:14 am #929525
Okay, so 3 weeks later I get a text message from him saying “hey how’s things? I’m back from Africa yesterday and it was amazing. So much good diving” and then proceeded to send me photos and then said “just a few to make you jealous ;)”
I’ve heard NOTHING from this guy till now. He promised to keep in touch with me but didn’t. He didn’t even apologise??
I’m thinking to completely ignore him but want to know what everyone’s thoughts are?November 22, 2021 at 11:13 am #929528
On the one hand, this is lame if he’d said he’d message you during his trip and then didn’t. As I said before, he may not have had much reception, but surely there was a moment at his hotel that he could have messaged just to say he’s okay but reception is much more limited than he expected and he’ll be in touch when he gets back. On the other hand, he did say he’d be gone 3 weeks and reached out as soon as he returned.
All that’s important at this point is, no excuses for him — how do you feel about what you’ve observed from him the last 9 weeks and does it match how you want to be treated and what you want in a potential partner? I think Liz and TallSpicy’s posts earlier are worth re-reading. Between him canceling dinner and then being out of touch after telling you he’d reach out, I don’t think it’s because anything was “off” between you, I think he sounds like he’s a very reactive person. The way I’d see his actions after these 9 weeks is that he is someone who responds to what’s in front of him in the moment and can be oblivious, which can come out as thoughtless. You can try talking to him about it (lay out that dinner cancellation and 3 weeks unexpectedly out of touch isn’t the kind of relationship you’re looking for and see if he steps up and it never happens again), or you can write it off as you learned what you needed to from early dating and this is a bad match for you and won’t be worth the effort. Personally, I need someone conscientious so it would drive me crazy to be with someone who isn’t, and it sounds like he’s not. Even though that doesn’t make him a bad person, it may make him a bad potential boyfriend.November 22, 2021 at 12:16 pm #929529
I’d find what he did extremely off-putting. He doesn’t bother to contact you for 3 weeks and his first message when he gets back in touch is sending photos “to make you jealous”? I get that the jealousy comment was a joke, but it’s in poor taste, in my book, after he said he’d stay in touch and then didn’t bother.
And I agree the dinner thing was weird, and rude, even. It’s rude to dis-invite someone after inviting them somewhere. I doubt the friend “didn’t have enough food” and if that were actually the case, the polite thing would have been for the guy to offer to bring something to help boost the amount of food at the party, AND bring your date– not to dis-invite your date.
overall though I agree with what Maddie wrote, the question here isn’t whether he’s a bad person, but whether you think he’d make a good boyfriend for you.