This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 1 month, 1 week ago.
January 20, 2021 at 3:51 pm #838198
Long story short, met this guy online (we are both 30) that I’ve been seeing for about a month and a half (6 weeks) . Prior to him, I haven’t dated much in the past couple of years after ending a 6 year relationship 3 years ago. He is one of the first people I really dated (gone on actual dates not just someone trying to hook up) and we’ve been on about 7 dates. Each one of them being at least 4 hours or more; one was an entire day. Between dates he would call at least once or twice a week (we would be on the phone for hours), he’s not a huge texter but I would hear from him at least every other day consistently. We were going on at least 1 date a week (3 of the 7 dates were movie dates at each others house). He just got out of a 9 year relationship about a year ago and he mentioned multiple times he is still sad about his ex (she left him). He also mentioned that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. At first I was upset and thought that maybe I should just stop talking to him but then I decided I honestly I didn’t mind because I don’t feel that we are that compatible for a long term relationship or even marriage which is something I’m ideally looking for. We also don’t have the same opinion on kids, communication styles, and different things like that which would make it never work.
BUT, I really enjoy spending time with him, I like the conversations we can have. I feel very comfortable around him and I can tell he does too. I also have been pretty lonely for the past couple of years that I haven’t dated and am not going to lie and say I didn’t enjoy having someone around for the last month. Well, after 2 attempts (it was him but when I said no he would stop) on both those movie nights at each others homes (mind you we had real dates before and after those attempts) we finally had sex this past weekend. And although it seemed completely normal afterwards, he even stayed the night, we made breakfast and hung out until about 3:00pm that afternoon, I still feel something is off. I haven’t heard from him since I saw him on Monday (again, it’s usually every other day has been his pattern) but I don’t know why I feel so much anxiety and like he is going to disappear.
The thing is I’m the one who initiated the sex this time, he even stopped me and said he meant what he said about not wanting anything serious and that’s not why he came over but I was just being impulsive in the moment and said its fine even though now I wish we hadn’t. I know it was also the first time for him since his ex a year ago (blame a pandemic and weird work hours) so I don’t know if he is feeling weird about that or what. I did text him this morning and still haven’t heard from him but he also works overnight and sleeps during the day so again, not completely out of the ordinary. I guess I’m just feeling bad and also don’t want to feel like he only used me for sex even though I genuinely don’t feel that way.
We literally have had so many conversations and have been able to just be so open with one another, again, spend hours and hours on these dates and constantly have something to talk about. And not just surface things but actually talking about our dreams, fears, goals, families, etc. The logical part of me knows I shouldn’t care if he does ghost because it’s not like we want the same things anyway and aren’t compatible, but at the same time I really feel there was a deeper connection there even if it was just friendship and a part of me is afraid to lose that. I also have attachment issues so I don’t know if that’s contributing to it. I just feel so confused and sadJanuary 20, 2021 at 4:31 pm #838202
Omg! This is going to feel very harsh, so I apologize in advance.
Honey, wtf. This guy is gone. You decided because of your feelings to literally ignore him telling you he is not over his ex and does not want a relationship. There was no deeper connection for him, other than enjoying your company. It was too new to be connected anyhow. He did not use you for sex, you threw sex at him and he reluctantly accepted, that is on you.
You need to self sooth immediately and lose his number. And please read up about insecure attachment. You were actually attracted to his unavailability, not him. That is what made him
appealing.January 20, 2021 at 4:37 pm #838204
Hi I don’t really see why you are confused except for the obvious that you are fooling yourself if you believe that you are only going along with this because you see there is no potential. If you deep down feel that you and him are incompatible and do not see yourself long term then sleeping with him (initiating it at at that) would not affect you. In fact you would be happy he isn’t coming after you. I do believe your ego is hurting if he doesn’t come back for sex after this night, but again you don’t see anything with him long term so it shouldn’t matter? He has told you several times he is not ready not for a relationship so his behavior not calling or acting like a boyfriend should not be a surprise. If you truly want to have fun and be carefree with this guy then your mentality needs to change. Meaning if he doesn’t call or initiate a meetup then you can’t or shouldn’t feel bummed about it. In these situations the only person you can blame is yourself for continuing a relationship we have no control over despite the other person being extremely honest and upfront. I suggest you either continue and take it for what it currently is or you stop yourself now if you are unable to handle the little he has to offer.January 20, 2021 at 4:40 pm #838207
I cant really understand your thought process. First of all how can you feel used when you initiated it? You know thats weird right?
The thing with going along with casual is that there are no rules for it. And it can stop any moment. For him it might have just been about the sex or he is pulling back on purpose as a sign to ypu he doesnt want a relationship.
All in all i wonder why ypu have to pick this guy (who doesnt want you, sorry to be blunt) as a booty call when you dont even want casual and you clearly like him more. You are working against your own self protection. Dont you think there are other guys outthere who you can have s good connection with and want you.
Im sure this guy will reach out again. But you are in denial about his motives. I also think you posted about this guy before and were warned. Why not listen? We only want to prevent you from hurting yourselfJanuary 20, 2021 at 4:41 pm #838208
I posted before i saw the other replies. I didnt mean to gang up on you with the same commentaryJanuary 20, 2021 at 4:49 pm #838209
You have answered your own questions. This guy doesn’t want a relationship yet you keep engaging and investing your time into him. Why? He isn’t going to change his mind. You stated yourself you have attachment issues. Why would you be sleeping with a guy who doesn’t want a relationship when you know you get attached? You are bringing on your own heartache and confusion when there really is nothing to be confused about.January 20, 2021 at 4:52 pm #838210
Same as newbie said. I didn’t see the other responses.January 20, 2021 at 5:31 pm #838219
I agree you were probably attracted to his being emotionally unavailable and that he didn’t use you. He told more than once he was looking for causal only. The problem is you don’t what that actually means for him – you may well have different interpretations of what casual means.
Its likely he is pulling away because he is reaffirming that its just causal.
Women bond with sex. The hormones released tend to send us a bit crazy because they are the same hormones released then you have a baby and bond with them. Its potent stuff and probably why after that night you’re feeling more attached with him and like him more. But sex doesn’t cause men to have deeper feelings at all.
I don’t see the point in you having carried on dating him or having sex with him if you really feel so incompatible- it was just going to shut you off to other men who are a better potential match with you.
If I were you I would lose his number and move on. Use this experience as a lesson. I’ve been where you are and cringe now at the mistakes I made but there is better out there for you!January 21, 2021 at 2:44 am #838277
Is this a joke?
If not, BLOCK HIM ASAPJanuary 21, 2021 at 2:32 pm #838318
Thank you everyone for all that you said. I do agree with most of what everyone has said and I know I shouldn’t have made the mistake of sleeping with him especially when he said he is not looking for anything serious. I do know that I have a tendency to see the best in people and I think with the amount of time we spent together and all of the actual conversations we had, I became attached to the feeling of someone being interested in me again and having the comfort of what is a false sense companionship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s a bad person or that he wasn’t honestly trying to get to know me because I just don’t think that’s true. But I also knew he is broken and can’t even love his self at the moment let alone anyone else.
Also, although I often operate mostly out of emotion, I do have a logical side that knows very well that this man is not for me long term. I wanted to keep him around because I genuinely enjoyed having someone to spend time with that is somewhat interesting and down to do anything (not saying it’s right but I’m honest). But, I already decided that if I do keep this as a friendship that it will be strictly platonic and I will need to learn to establish some boundaries which I have never been good at.
Btw, he did end up contacting me yesterday and things seemed normal and like nothing has changed so I do believe it was in my own head but I also am not giving him so much energy or emphasis on how he’s acting at the moment because frankly it doesn’t matter. And after a break of figuring out my own personal issues, I am going to continue looking for someone who is more on my level and aligns with the things I want for my future.
Definitely a lessoned learned and if I had to give advice to anyone, I would say know who you are and don’t try to change that for someone or because you think it could possibly end differently. I have known for a long time I’m not a person for casual sex or being casual with someone because I love people hard and not only get attached but also just crave a real relationship that could possibly last forever, so I need to just keep that in mind when I’m dating and get rid of the wrong guys faster.January 21, 2021 at 5:28 pm #838333
Yes, i think thats a good lesson learned. If you stick to your wishes and boundaries, you are less inclined to lose yourself on tje proces. Even if it feels the more difficult road.
This guy falls in the most clearly not wanting to commit category so give him the Benefit of the doubt just means you are wasting your time. If you know you cant handle casual. And i also believe you cant, at least not know. So spend your time wisely and dont give your heart away too easy.
Its also worth a look as in how your attachment style is and what gets in your way of becoming ‘secure’. Take careJanuary 21, 2021 at 5:30 pm #838334
At least not *now