Ghoster


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This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sylvia 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #778649 Reply

    anonymous

    I am not sure what to think right now. The guy I have been seeing since September suddenly went ghost on me. Everything seemed to be going good from what I thought. We talked on Thursday, he iniated the conversation and we talked as normal and made plans for Sunday. I asked where he wanted to go and he never replied. This was on Thursday, didn’t hear from him on Friday and it is now Saturday. What could have possibly went wrong in two days?! I’m baffled. I’ve never been ghosted, what happened?!

    #778709 Reply

    anonymous

    I can admit that I reacted out of anger and confusion and sent him some messages jumping to conclusions, which I regret because now I look crazy but I’m trying to wrap my head around wtf happened.

    #779183 Reply

    Raven

    Are you sure he’s not lying in a ditch somewhere…

    #779187 Reply

    new Newbie

    If he hasn’t confirmed the date for tomorrow by now I would consider it a no-go. Go out with friends and try to keep yourself busy. (hugs)

    #779192 Reply

    Better off single

    You reacted out of anger and confusion and sent him some messages jumping to conclusions…whoa crazy town. He probably thought, I’m gonna back off.

    People ghost for a reason. It’s to protect themselves from crazy people because they don’t know how to handle a situation if you happen to be actually crazy.

    #779379 Reply

    anonymous

    **update** we met…he basically told me it was a turn off for him and now I can tell he has been distant. I messed up. How to fix?

    #779388 Reply

    Lane

    Based on what he said, there is nothing “to fix” other than learning how to control your thoughts and emotions. You revealed a trait that he doesn’t like in a woman, and like a stick of dynamite, you blew up (killed) any or all attraction he had for you.

    This is what dating is about, determining if the person truly is who they represent themselves to be. Anyone can be on *good behavior* for a short time but the truth is, you can’t pretend to be someone you are not, at least for long, until your true self is revealed. You showed him that you cannot handle or manage your emotions, you overreact, and this trait in a woman turns him completely off.

    I too would lose attraction if a man overreacted, especially through text! This is the problem with “texting”—once you say and send it, you cannot unsay and unsend it! Its a PERMANENT RECORD that he can read, its burned in his brain, and to try and unburn it is impossible. Men call this “emotional vomit”—yes, they actually have a term for women who engage in it!

    In a nutshell, this is a “you problem” and until you fix you, learn how to not be impulsive, and STOP using texts to relay your unhappiness to or with a man, you are not going to be successful in developing a long-term relationship. BTW, its OK to not hear from a man your dating every single cotton picking day! They have lives beyond you, other people, tasks and things they need to focus on too, and if you can’t cut a guy a break and give him some darn space, you are going to have a rough dating road.

    #779389 Reply

    anon

    Was it a change in communication pattern? IE, was he usually an everyday texter? If he was just the type to communicate a couple times a week, you way over-reacted, and probably should have sent a text on Saturday to confirm Sunday plans (or called).

    To fix this, I might consider a spoken apology “Hey, sorry I jumped to conclusions like that. I’ve had guys just ghost on me in the past and it hurts, and definitely an issue I need to let go of. I realize people get busy and texts get missed, and again, sorry I jumped to such a conclusion”.

    I think most men have been ghosted and understand to a degree that it is upsetting and a little hard to trust after it happens a couple of times.

    While I agree with Lane partially, I think it is beyond rude when people ignore simple texts about plans. If you can’t get back to someone with a date location because you need that much space, please do not date. It was disrespectful of your time to blow that message off.

    #779391 Reply

    Lane

    Anon, this is where we do not agree. I do the OPPOSITE and give the guy the opportunity to clarify it, if he does not, then its MY JOB to determine if this is a “one off” or a bad trait of his.

    Dating is not one-sided. An integral part of it is carefully watching, observing and listening to look for a man’s flaws to determine if they are major enough to walk away. These are important *tests* that should not become a point of contention but sitting back to see if this is something that happens regularly or not. It’s not my job to correct or fix a man who has poor manners or traits, its my job to determine their overall character based how how they act and behave in their daily life. If they do it once, I will put them on notice that I don’t won’t put up with it, for long, such as “I will give you a pass this time but just know I won’t waste my time on flaky behavior.” If they do it again, I walk.

    The problem is women are too myopically focused on the relationship goal and not myopically focused on the PERSON they are potentially getting into a relationship with! Change this mindset and they would never feel they were ‘ghosted’ but that they dodged a bullet!

    #779392 Reply

    molly

    To be honest, i think you should let him go. You have been dating since September and things still sound to be very formal between you. Idk but i would just assumed you were more in sync now if it was the right thing.
    Him not replying and making you feel guilty about reacting is a easy way for him to seem innocent.
    Leave him be and learn for the future not to react when things like this happen. Simply, if he ghosts you you ghost back.
    Then he can never know what you felt and use that against you.

    #779394 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Dating since September means you’re two months into dating. Many relationships fall apart at the 2-3 month mark because the honeymoon period is wearing off. In particular the guy often realizes he does not want to commit to this particular woman (nothing personal about you, it’s just what happens). I do think you overreacted, but I also think it was rude of him to ignore your initial text.

    However him ignoring you to begin with may have been a red flag, a precursor to indicate he is not really feeling “it” with you anymore. And then since you overreacted, it just turned him off even more. That’s just my theory, I really don’t know. I don’t think there is a way to fix this. You can’t force a guy who is being distant and turned off by you to change. Take it as a lesson and next time you’re in this situation, don’t overreact. Hysterical, accusatory texts never end well, so you should never send them.

    #779395 Reply

    anon

    So Lane, are you saying that it is acceptable for a guy to ignore a simple text asking to confirm a date location?

    Maybe she dodged a bullet, but also maybe men should step up and stop wasting women’s time by NOT cancelling dates they planned. Literally in the past year, close to 20 men over 40 have asked me out for a specific date and gone *poof*. So 20 times, I booked time for them in my schedule, followed day of to confirm, and was ignored. So yes, good to learn that now, but how about we just encourage men to cancel if they aren’t feeling it. Then I could book another date for that evening.

    So now I double or triple book and cancel whoever confirms first which is some next level game playing and terribly inefficient. Also, I very rarely accept a date from a man over the age of 38.

    I actually think ignoring messages and ghosting is passive aggressive and honestly, a way for men to be jerks because they need to take something out on women. I have noticed that younger men do NOT actually do this and either cancel or follow through. My thought is that when a guy ghosts he gets a little rise from rejecting a woman.

    #779396 Reply

    Lane

    You are taking dating way too seriously! I suggest you take a break because your negative energy is probably turning men off.

    The moment dating stops becoming fun, you disengage from it. Interestingly enough, when I stopped dating and not interested in a relationship is when men showed the most interest because my mindset wasn’t focused on the goal of scoring a BF but getting to know them like I did with anyone else, male or female. Men pick up on a woman’s energy and can sense a shift is coming which is when they instinctively pull back when it stops become ‘fun’ and starts heading in the opposite direction—-its like a black cloud appearing and they want to avoid the rainstorm.

    #779399 Reply

    anon

    Eh, while I think you have a point, I do not have this problem with younger men and I approach all guys the same.
    My approach is a brief text conversation or two, keep it small talk, then just wait til the guy asks me out, graciously accept, keep messaging minimal, confirm day of. The formula works great with non-divorced guys under 40. At any rate, even if a guy picks up on something and gets a bad gut feeling, it’s a courtesy to cancel. Young guys do it. I cancel etc. etc.
    I dunno, maybe I give younger guys better energy or something.

    At any rate, there is zero excuse for guys making plans and ghosting. Just cancel. Not that hard. If a 23 year old, can make plans and follow through, and communicate, so too can a 43 year old.

    #779401 Reply

    Lane

    I don’t view this as “ghosting.” Ghosting is the unmarried equivalent of “Marital Abandonment” which is when a husband or wife disappears without a word never to be seen or heard from again! This has been taking place for centuries, its not new, not unique, and one of the many *risks* that a person could very well face when getting involved with or married to another person.

    This is simply two people dating with a very high risk of it ending before it evolves into anything. A man doesn’t owe a lady a relationship just because he takes her on some dates.

    A SINGLE MAN is free to stop asking a lady out if he’s no longer interested, just as a lady is free to stop accepting dates if she’s not interested. Until you are IN a relationship; both parties are FREE to date, talk to, meet others or stop dating entirely if they are not interested in developing a relationship with anyone. Your stringent code of dating conduct is not universal, never has been, never will be. All it does is reveal their character and those are the types I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship anyway!

    I just let them weed themselves out—the faster the better!

    #779409 Reply

    Vera

    Yes, I really don’t understand why many girls here just really want to make it work with a guy.
    Is everyone just using looks/success/attraction as the gauge to his amazing the guy is ?
    If he doesn’t treat you how you want to be treated , good riddance dude !!
    If I text a guy a question and he doesn’t answer me back for says , I definitely reassess if I really want to be with a guy like that! I either end things OR I put this bad action in the bank and continue to assess things he does .
    Last guy I dated – he didn’t seem super interested and before the 4th date he said he would text me “tomorrow” to let me know (about the date the next day). He didn’t text me until after midnight !!’
    So the next day I said oh sorry I didn’t hear from you, made other plans ! I was already over him because of his poor actions . Didn’t even want to see him again at that point .

    #779412 Reply

    Better off single

    Amen!

    #779486 Reply

    Kalyn

    How much time passed between you asking him where you would go on Sunday and you sending him angry texts?

    #779487 Reply

    anonymous

    @anon thank you. I decided to apologize however I don’t believe that changed much. He is still pretty much distant.

    @kalyn Two days.

    I will take this as a lesson learned.

    #779488 Reply

    Newbie

    Guys seem to handle picking a partner way better than women. They really observe all in the first 3 months and when something tiny is off, its game over. A watched a guy dating moved pretty closely a few yours ago. And he was serious about finding a partner and wanting to start a family. Some didnt make it after the first date. Girl 1 he liked more was a nay after he find she had a bird she gave all her time. Girl 2 he liked a lot and also the fact that she cleaned up his house. When she bossed him around once, he was gone. Even when he told this girl he loved her.
    Girl 3 he married and his favourite statement about her was: she is so easy going, puts no pressure on me and is so independant. That sums it up in a nutshell why so many relationships dont make it after 3 months.

    #779489 Reply

    Newbie

    I watched a guy dating movies a few years ago*

    #779490 Reply

    Newbie

    Moves* lol stupid spelling errors

    #779493 Reply

    Kalyn

    I don’t know what you said to him after he didn’t respond, but IMO, two days is way too long to not respond to someone you’re consistently dating, especially if you were making plans. It just seems rude. You might have handled your angry messages to him differently, but I personally believe the fact that you were upset is an appropriate reaction. If someone communicated that way with me more than once or twice, I would probably be “turned off” by him. Honestly? I think he was having doubts for some unrelated reason, intentionally didn’t respond and used your reaction as a reason to back off because he either didn’t know how to talk to you about his doubts or didn’t want to have the conversation.

    The “Three Month Rule” seems to be true in many cases. In my experience, right around three months (give or take) is when most of the men I’ve dated have either decided it wasn’t going to work or they wanted to deepen the connection. In the cases where it didn’t work out, the feelings were usually mutual but there have a been a couple where it seemed to be going well and they just decided they didn’t want to move forward. It happens but I’ve learned to be open without over investing in the first few months, even if they come on really strong.

    #779497 Reply

    Deidre

    Food for thought. Were you two exclusive? Was it a close relationship or more casual? Did he go from 100 to zero in communication all of a sudden?

    I went thru a horrible experience with a guy. Mind you it was more casual but he gave hints he wanted more. Like saying I could really fall in love, you’re amazing, beautiful, etc over 6 mo period.

    He would start playing games like not answer texts or take longer to reply. He would be sure to answer right away sometimes tho. Also insinuations began about other female “friends”. He ghosted twice – for 10 days, then a month. I didn’t reach out because I started believing he was playing me. He came back around with excuses about being sick, stressed or working too much.

    By this time I knew he was playing me. Due to the consistent inconsistency. That gave it away 100%. It was all designed to keep me on my toes! Players do just that.

    I found out later there were a string of other women he was chasing around. Sure he can date other women but should NOT be leading me on. Some people say I should have known better. Possibly so.

    I am just passing on my experience and to look for these signs.

    #779498 Reply

    Newbie

    Im not saying this would have gone different if it was handled differently. But i dont think its rude either. Suppose on thursday you dont know yet what you like to do, so you think: ill answer when i know. And then you forget about it, being busy. Al least thats what happened to me hundreds of times. Only when someone message again i remember. So a simple reminder or something else would have worked i think.

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