Ghoster

Are you sure he’s not lying in a ditch somewhere…

You reacted out of anger and confusion and sent him some messages jumping to conclusions…whoa crazy town. He probably thought, I’m gonna back off.

People ghost for a reason. It’s to protect themselves from crazy people because they don’t know how to handle a situation if you happen to be actually crazy.

Based on what he said, there is nothing “to fix” other than learning how to control your thoughts and emotions. You revealed a trait that he doesn’t like in a woman, and like a stick of dynamite, you blew up (killed) any or all attraction he had for you.

This is what dating is about, determining if the person truly is who they represent themselves to be. Anyone can be on *good behavior* for a short time but the truth is, you can’t pretend to be someone you are not, at least for long, until your true self is revealed. You showed him that you cannot handle or manage your emotions, you overreact, and this trait in a woman turns him completely off.

I too would lose attraction if a man overreacted, especially through text! This is the problem with “texting”—once you say and send it, you cannot unsay and unsend it! Its a PERMANENT RECORD that he can read, its burned in his brain, and to try and unburn it is impossible. Men call this “emotional vomit”—yes, they actually have a term for women who engage in it!

In a nutshell, this is a “you problem” and until you fix you, learn how to not be impulsive, and STOP using texts to relay your unhappiness to or with a man, you are not going to be successful in developing a long-term relationship. BTW, its OK to not hear from a man your dating every single cotton picking day! They have lives beyond you, other people, tasks and things they need to focus on too, and if you can’t cut a guy a break and give him some darn space, you are going to have a rough dating road.

Anon, this is where we do not agree. I do the OPPOSITE and give the guy the opportunity to clarify it, if he does not, then its MY JOB to determine if this is a “one off” or a bad trait of his.

Dating is not one-sided. An integral part of it is carefully watching, observing and listening to look for a man’s flaws to determine if they are major enough to walk away. These are important *tests* that should not become a point of contention but sitting back to see if this is something that happens regularly or not. It’s not my job to correct or fix a man who has poor manners or traits, its my job to determine their overall character based how how they act and behave in their daily life. If they do it once, I will put them on notice that I don’t won’t put up with it, for long, such as “I will give you a pass this time but just know I won’t waste my time on flaky behavior.” If they do it again, I walk.

The problem is women are too myopically focused on the relationship goal and not myopically focused on the PERSON they are potentially getting into a relationship with! Change this mindset and they would never feel they were ‘ghosted’ but that they dodged a bullet!

Dating since September means you’re two months into dating. Many relationships fall apart at the 2-3 month mark because the honeymoon period is wearing off. In particular the guy often realizes he does not want to commit to this particular woman (nothing personal about you, it’s just what happens). I do think you overreacted, but I also think it was rude of him to ignore your initial text.

However him ignoring you to begin with may have been a red flag, a precursor to indicate he is not really feeling “it” with you anymore. And then since you overreacted, it just turned him off even more. That’s just my theory, I really don’t know. I don’t think there is a way to fix this. You can’t force a guy who is being distant and turned off by you to change. Take it as a lesson and next time you’re in this situation, don’t overreact. Hysterical, accusatory texts never end well, so you should never send them.

You are taking dating way too seriously! I suggest you take a break because your negative energy is probably turning men off.

The moment dating stops becoming fun, you disengage from it. Interestingly enough, when I stopped dating and not interested in a relationship is when men showed the most interest because my mindset wasn’t focused on the goal of scoring a BF but getting to know them like I did with anyone else, male or female. Men pick up on a woman’s energy and can sense a shift is coming which is when they instinctively pull back when it stops become ‘fun’ and starts heading in the opposite direction—-its like a black cloud appearing and they want to avoid the rainstorm.

I don’t view this as “ghosting.” Ghosting is the unmarried equivalent of “Marital Abandonment” which is when a husband or wife disappears without a word never to be seen or heard from again! This has been taking place for centuries, its not new, not unique, and one of the many *risks* that a person could very well face when getting involved with or married to another person.

This is simply two people dating with a very high risk of it ending before it evolves into anything. A man doesn’t owe a lady a relationship just because he takes her on some dates.

A SINGLE MAN is free to stop asking a lady out if he’s no longer interested, just as a lady is free to stop accepting dates if she’s not interested. Until you are IN a relationship; both parties are FREE to date, talk to, meet others or stop dating entirely if they are not interested in developing a relationship with anyone. Your stringent code of dating conduct is not universal, never has been, never will be. All it does is reveal their character and those are the types I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship anyway!

I just let them weed themselves out—the faster the better!

Amen!

@anon thank you. I decided to apologize however I don’t believe that changed much. He is still pretty much distant.

@kalyn Two days.

I will take this as a lesson learned.

I watched a guy dating movies a few years ago*

I don’t know what you said to him after he didn’t respond, but IMO, two days is way too long to not respond to someone you’re consistently dating, especially if you were making plans. It just seems rude. You might have handled your angry messages to him differently, but I personally believe the fact that you were upset is an appropriate reaction. If someone communicated that way with me more than once or twice, I would probably be “turned off” by him. Honestly? I think he was having doubts for some unrelated reason, intentionally didn’t respond and used your reaction as a reason to back off because he either didn’t know how to talk to you about his doubts or didn’t want to have the conversation.

The “Three Month Rule” seems to be true in many cases. In my experience, right around three months (give or take) is when most of the men I’ve dated have either decided it wasn’t going to work or they wanted to deepen the connection. In the cases where it didn’t work out, the feelings were usually mutual but there have a been a couple where it seemed to be going well and they just decided they didn’t want to move forward. It happens but I’ve learned to be open without over investing in the first few months, even if they come on really strong.

Im not saying this would have gone different if it was handled differently. But i dont think its rude either. Suppose on thursday you dont know yet what you like to do, so you think: ill answer when i know. And then you forget about it, being busy. Al least thats what happened to me hundreds of times. Only when someone message again i remember. So a simple reminder or something else would have worked i think.