Ghosted after fourth date, was it my fault?

You really should consider that it is a lot for some men to give up their freedom, especially if they’ve had hurts in past relationships or not enough time after a break up. And the 2-3 month mark is the MOST important because it’s when most guys make the decision to go forward and invest more heavily.

I only want to be helpful but you sound really rigid and demanding. If you’ve had regular dates for months and he just happens to be busy a couple of weekends (especially on the weekends around the holidays) that, fo me, does not sound automatically like a deal breaker. This site teaches that men will just plow ahead and make it known if they want you – and that’s true for a lot of men. But some are more hesitant but they can still turn out to be great boyfriends once they commit.

There’s a difference between standing up for yourself and having standards as a woman versus letting the man lead. Why was Friday night not good enough for you? Then if a couple more weeks went by and he didn’t lock you down – you could let him know you were done instead of being passive aggressive with terse texts.

Honestly, you also showed a pretty high lack of interest.
1. On the weekend thing- I have not legit had a free weekend in a month due to work travel and planned activities. Sometimes that happens, especially this time of year. He offered you a reasonable alternative of Fridays, which you declined like an entitled princess. If you really like someone and they offer you a reasonable alternative, you could have taken it or offered an alternative- “I am busy next Friday, but Thursday could work”. But hey – most desirable men stay pretty busy and there are times when a schedule just can not be cleared to meet your needs. So you established yourself as difficult.

2. He tried to keep the communication going until you could come up with a date plan and you showed little enthusiasm. No good guy is going to hound a woman who is responding with a lack of interest.

You are playing a “show the disinterest” game which most quality men do not play. He perceives you as not interested and is probably on to other things or waiting to see if you show some interest. Again, quality men do not chase disinterested women. You have shown yourself to be aloof, disinterested, unyielding and high maintenance. No quality guy is going to chase that.

Totally agree with everything Liz Lemon said! And also agree with T from NY that you sound incredibly rigid and demanding! Four dates in 3 months is a VERY low level of interest. You had to ask HIM out, he threw out the work and friends excuse for the next couple of weekends essentially blowing you off. You showed your irritation and he threw out a bone offer you a Friday date. You were rude and told him you weren’t free, didn’t offer an alternative and gave him short and bland replies for days. He wasn’t that interested to begin with so if you expect him to come back begging you to go out with him you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

My guess is he has another woman he’s seeing who he’s more interested in than you. He’s taking her out (probably to meet these friends) instead of you. But he’s keeping you on the back burner. You are reading way too much into this thinking his friend is telling him about no contact and wanting you to break your rule. If your pride and ego won’t allow you to reach out to a man you’ve been dating and interested in then you are going to be very lonely. A man is not just going to keep chasing you if you’re giving him the cold shoulder. At some point he gets tired of putting in all the effort and there are lots of women who will show him interest without working so hard for it.

A man who is interested would be taking you out even if he’s with friends because he wants them to meet you. He probably has a holiday party or two he would be inviting you to. I started dating my husband in the beginning of November when we met and he invited me to a family wedding, his work party and Christmas with his mom!! This guy is either still hung up on his ex or just not that into you.

Alright well I’m sorry that I prefer to get to know men whilst doing activities together before I sleep with them as opposed to doing what people seem to want to do these days and go straight to Friday night netlix and chill. I will not change just because everyone else is doing that doesn’t mean I have to stoop to that level to ‘maintain a man’s interest’. I will never do that. I will always be true to myself. Sorry if you don’t approve.

ForWhatItsWorth, I don’t understand why you’re assuming an offer of a Friday night date is a netflix-and-chill/sleeping together thing? I agree with anon. Friday is perfect for a lovely dinner date, go see a movie, go see live music or to the theater, etc. Whatever. I wouldn’t be offended by the offer of a Friday night date at all.

And like Kaye says, there’s nothing wrong with a weeknight date either, frankly. When I was first dating my boyfriend we had plenty of weeknight dates because we both had kids and there were weekends where we couldn’t get together, before we had gotten serious enough where we met each others’ kids. I had plenty of really wonderful weeknight dates with my boyfriend for the first months we were dating just because we didn’t want to go a week without seeing each other.

I don’t think it was your fault. I also don’t think you’re an entitled princess or rude or you handled this wrong. You simply mirrored him, which is a good thing.I don’t think he was really that interested, here’s why.

Four dates in three months doesn’t show high interest. Texting every day is meaningless. He said he was talking to his BFF about you a lot. Yeah, maybe maybe not. And that could mean twice! Men don’t chat to their besties like we chat to our besties. (And did his bestie tell him to go no contact on you, uh NO. That’s female behavior that wouldn’t occur to a man.)

If he were that interested in you, he would have given you a detailed explanation of what he was doing those weekends so you would know why he wasn’t asking to include you, or he would have actually invited you along. And he would have tried harder to arrange another date with you. Remember, you’re the one who asked for a fifth date. He might not have been planning to ask to see you again.

Either he’s seeing other women and you’re lower in the pecking order as back-up girl or he’s just not interested in being in a serious relationship at this point in time. He ended another relationship in January – that was a while ago. But if he was in that for years and years or if he didn’t want it to end or if he was cheated on, then it could be some time before he’s ready to be all in with someone new.

Bottom line – doesn’t sound like this was really going anywhere. I don’t agree you did anything to put him off. it feels to me like he was on the way out and wasn’t that strong into you in the first place. Sorry.

Fair enough that people are busy but come on!!
It’s been a few months , only 3-4 dates.
If a guy was super into you he definitely would have said what he was doing that made him so busy he couldn’t even see you for a couple of hours on three Whole weekends in a row .

And while I agree you didn’t react the best way by flat out saying you’re busy and being short in your replies … it’s ok you are human .

For all of you people who keep saying you’re so busy all the time – I will challenge you on that by saying if you were dating someone you were really into , a few hours would magically appear on your weekend schedule to squeeze them in. Isn’t the point of dating to see who you could be compatible with to spend more time with and ultimately integrate into your lives ? People are wearing their busy-ness as a badge of honour these days .
Don’t worry OP . He really wasn’t showing enough interest anyways .

Just to clarify guys, we went out once a week for the first three dates and he was the one that arranged each of those. I decided to arrange the fourth and fifth because it seemed like the fair thing to do. There was a two week gap in which we didn’t see each other because I was absolutely run off my feet in work and then a family member fell ill. I meant it’d been three months since we started talking, not dating, my bad for not describing that properly!
Thank you all for the replies though, they’ve given me a lot to think about and I think I’m best off just accepting that it’s done with him now

Thanks for clarifying, OP.

It sucks, but I think it’s significant that he organized the first 3 dates, then his interest seemed to wane….you had to organize the next 2 dates…then you were busy for weeks, then he’s busy for weeks….I know I sound like a broken record, but his interest level isn’t very high. If he were interested in you, he’d be doing whatever he could to have time with you. Even if it meant lunch on a Tuesday, or a dinner on a Wednesday night- whatever.
If you legitimately couldn’t see him for a couple of weeks because a family member was ill, the guy would NOT inform you his next few weekends were full, if he really wanted to see you. He’d be dying for some time with you, and would find a way.

But I agree with what’s been said, that you came off as aloof and inflexible with your subsequent reactions. And he probably just figured it wasn’t worth the hassle, since his interest level seems like it was waning anyway.

I don’t intend to offend in the least, so I hope none is taken. Next time be flexible and receptive to a guy if you are interested. Don’t play games, and meet his effort level– if he’s trying to see you, be warm and receptive. If he’s texting you and trying to engage, be warm and receptive, don’t give bland replies that don’t need a response. That’s not how you engage a guy and show him you’re interested.

If a guy told me he would be too busy to see me for several weeks… it really doesn’t matter what your response was. Hes gone. Let him go, bye bye

There is a fine line between knowing your worth etc and being a diva. I see nothing wrong with a Friday night date. I agree with others here in that he isn’t very interested. As for men not discussing their dating problems that is not exactly true. Men do discuss these things briefly and yes advice will be offered. I suspect his friend has brought his feelings about the OP into sharp focus. He has realised that his feelings are vague and rather insubstantial. He likes you up to a point,hence he is not pulling a 100% vanishing act. This busy for the next three weeks is him preparing the ground to end the relationship. Men who feel a strong romantic attraction for a woman would fit her in to even the busiest of times.

I agree with Chester. A man who is very interested would not allow a few weeks to go by unless there was a prior vacation/trip planned and even then they would make darn sure to keep you in their close radar so you don’t forget about them! The moment they step back in, they step all the way back in and will pick up where they left off.

Too be honest, he’s just playing the field and not interested in tying himself down into another relationship yet. When a man is ready he will step up and bat it out the park and keep batting it out of the park, when they stop, it mean’s “I’m not interested in pursuing this any further” and will then find reasons, such as using the “I’m busy” excuse, to end the dating game with you—at that point a smart woman steps off the field and walks away.

He did not ‘ghost you’ he lost interest which a very common occurrence in the world of dating—only when a man keeps knocking it out of the park, by asking you out on dates and begins the process of integrating you into his world, should you remain on the field, if not, best to walk off.