Ghosted after fourth date, was it my fault?


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  • #779915 Reply

    Hana

    Oh dear, here I am again. Gonna try and keep this as honest as I can so here goes! I went on four GREAT dates with this guy and things were going brilliantly. We were messaging every day for three months and he was even arranging for me to meet his friends. On our last date he made a joke about all my other suitors but I laughed it off and said “oh is that what we’re calling them?” and swerved that conversation. Things got a bit tricky when planning the fifth date. I asked him if he fancied meeting up again and he said yeah he really wanted to but he was gonna be busy with work and friends for the next few weekends. I put a very blunt “fair enough nevermind then” and he asked me was I free a Friday anytime soon, I wasn’t very happy that he was going to be so busy so I told him I wasn’t free for the next few weekends either and left it at that. He carried on messaging me for the next few days asking how I was and how my day had been etc but I admit I gave extremely short and bland replies that honestly didn’t require a response. He hasn’t even opened my last message which was five days ago which is something that he said he’d never do and there’s been no contact since then. On our last date he said he was mindful of not keeping me waiting for a reply and I said if that happened I’d literally just go and I wouldn’t double-message and he said he thought I would. He’s fully aware that ignoring me isn’t something I’ll accept and yet he’s doing it anyway. He’s kept me on all his social media but he’s just blatantly ignoring me now. I’m the first girl he’s dated properly since his last relationship ended in January and he did tell me he was talking to his best friend about me a lot so I’m aware there’s a chance his friend has told him to do no contact and see if I’ll go back on my no double-message rule to prove I am interested in him but my pride simply won’t let me. I’m just so confused as to how he can just disappear after it was going so well and after all the effort he put into it, which admittedly was more effort than I was putting in. Was it because I didn’t offer an alternative date like he did and because I was putting short replies that he finally got tired of? Or was I a rebound that got played??

    #779916 Reply

    Better off

    All i get from your story is your guy has a fragile ego, you bruised it, and now he isn’t as interested in you as you want him to be due to a lack of flexibility.

    He is more interested in his friends. You are no longer or not a priority. You’ve been put on the back burner. He will get back to you when nothing interesting is happening.

    he asked if you were free a Friday anytime soon, you weren’t very happy that he was going to be so busy. so, stubborn you, in the heat of the moment, told him you weren’t free for the next few weekends either and left it at that….was it a lie? If it is, maybe he saw right through it. It’s coming off as a lie because it seems you are upset it backfired and you are confused?

    Texting rules are redonkulous.

    #779918 Reply

    T from NY

    You really should consider that it is a lot for some men to give up their freedom, especially if they’ve had hurts in past relationships or not enough time after a break up. And the 2-3 month mark is the MOST important because it’s when most guys make the decision to go forward and invest more heavily.

    I only want to be helpful but you sound really rigid and demanding. If you’ve had regular dates for months and he just happens to be busy a couple of weekends (especially on the weekends around the holidays) that, fo me, does not sound automatically like a deal breaker. This site teaches that men will just plow ahead and make it known if they want you – and that’s true for a lot of men. But some are more hesitant but they can still turn out to be great boyfriends once they commit.

    There’s a difference between standing up for yourself and having standards as a woman versus letting the man lead. Why was Friday night not good enough for you? Then if a couple more weeks went by and he didn’t lock you down – you could let him know you were done instead of being passive aggressive with terse texts.

    #779920 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    What jumps out at me is that you only went on 4 dates in 3 months. Messaging daily means nothing. He could be messaging multiple women daily. It only matters if a guy is investing time in seeing you and spending time with you.

    So that to me shows low interest to begin with on his part, honestly. I’m sure he likes you well enough but if he just ended a serious relationship in January (how long were they together?), he may just not be ready for another relationship.

    Then to top it off, when he told you he was busy the next few weekends, you got ticked off. Which you don’t really have a right to do since you’re not in a relationship. Why wouldn’t you accept a Friday night date?
    And then you give short, bland replies that don’t require a response. And you mention “all the effort he put into it, which admittedly was more effort than I was putting in”. Why would a guy bend over backwards for a woman who is not even putting in equal effort? (Equal effort doesn’t mean taking the lead, it means being warmly receptive/responsive to the man’s gestures).

    Honestly, sorry to be blunt but he probably just figured it wasn’t worth it, and has moved on. The behavior you’re showing is too much work for someone he was dating very casually and had no commitment to. I don’t think he’s playing games, or purposefully ignoring you and waiting for you to double message, or any of that malarkey. He’s just not into it anymore.

    #779921 Reply

    anon

    Honestly, you also showed a pretty high lack of interest.
    1. On the weekend thing- I have not legit had a free weekend in a month due to work travel and planned activities. Sometimes that happens, especially this time of year. He offered you a reasonable alternative of Fridays, which you declined like an entitled princess. If you really like someone and they offer you a reasonable alternative, you could have taken it or offered an alternative- “I am busy next Friday, but Thursday could work”. But hey – most desirable men stay pretty busy and there are times when a schedule just can not be cleared to meet your needs. So you established yourself as difficult.

    2. He tried to keep the communication going until you could come up with a date plan and you showed little enthusiasm. No good guy is going to hound a woman who is responding with a lack of interest.

    You are playing a “show the disinterest” game which most quality men do not play. He perceives you as not interested and is probably on to other things or waiting to see if you show some interest. Again, quality men do not chase disinterested women. You have shown yourself to be aloof, disinterested, unyielding and high maintenance. No quality guy is going to chase that.

    #779922 Reply

    ForWhatItsWorth

    I think the previous posters are each right in their own way.
    The way I see it is he sensed you were ticked off and got turned off by it. But if he really liked you he would probably try to make it up to you. I agree with Liz that he probably had low interest to begin with, because to be busy for three weekends straight is kind of weird, isn’t it? It’s almost like he’s saying you aren’t worth Saturdays or Sundays but Friday nights were you spend a bit of time watching some netflix and chilling is okay. So yeah I think you were right to get ticked off. I would have gotten ticked off too. The way he reacted to your getting ticked off is your answer.

    #779923 Reply

    kaye

    Totally agree with everything Liz Lemon said! And also agree with T from NY that you sound incredibly rigid and demanding! Four dates in 3 months is a VERY low level of interest. You had to ask HIM out, he threw out the work and friends excuse for the next couple of weekends essentially blowing you off. You showed your irritation and he threw out a bone offer you a Friday date. You were rude and told him you weren’t free, didn’t offer an alternative and gave him short and bland replies for days. He wasn’t that interested to begin with so if you expect him to come back begging you to go out with him you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

    My guess is he has another woman he’s seeing who he’s more interested in than you. He’s taking her out (probably to meet these friends) instead of you. But he’s keeping you on the back burner. You are reading way too much into this thinking his friend is telling him about no contact and wanting you to break your rule. If your pride and ego won’t allow you to reach out to a man you’ve been dating and interested in then you are going to be very lonely. A man is not just going to keep chasing you if you’re giving him the cold shoulder. At some point he gets tired of putting in all the effort and there are lots of women who will show him interest without working so hard for it.

    A man who is interested would be taking you out even if he’s with friends because he wants them to meet you. He probably has a holiday party or two he would be inviting you to. I started dating my husband in the beginning of November when we met and he invited me to a family wedding, his work party and Christmas with his mom!! This guy is either still hung up on his ex or just not that into you.

    #779924 Reply

    anon

    “because to be busy for three weekends straight is kind of weird, isn’t it?”

    My last three weekends have been: Work travel, family in town for a sports event, travel for Thanksgiving. It’s not weird.

    And the “Friday Night” being a second tier option is again, really entitled. It does not sound like he said “friday night netflix and chill”. You can still go out to dinner, see a movie, go to the theater on a friday night.

    I think it is great to know your value and not settle, but if you are so full of yourself that a Friday date is an insult, prepare to be single for a long time.

    #779925 Reply

    ForWhatItsWorth

    Alright well I’m sorry that I prefer to get to know men whilst doing activities together before I sleep with them as opposed to doing what people seem to want to do these days and go straight to Friday night netlix and chill. I will not change just because everyone else is doing that doesn’t mean I have to stoop to that level to ‘maintain a man’s interest’. I will never do that. I will always be true to myself. Sorry if you don’t approve.

    #779927 Reply

    kaye

    Is this long distance? Otherwise why couldn’t you meet for dinner, a movie or anything DURING the week? A man who is interested but legitimately busy for the next few weekends would be jumping at any opportunity to see you because he would be missing you. When I started dating my husband I only had every other week free because of my child custody schedule. And I wasn’t going to allow a man to be around my children until I was sure there was a long term future. So it was quite awhile before he met them. But he would try to meet me for lunch or come by my office to see me during the weeks I had my kids. Because he just didn’t like the thought of going an entire week without seeing me!

    #779929 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    ForWhatItsWorth, I don’t understand why you’re assuming an offer of a Friday night date is a netflix-and-chill/sleeping together thing? I agree with anon. Friday is perfect for a lovely dinner date, go see a movie, go see live music or to the theater, etc. Whatever. I wouldn’t be offended by the offer of a Friday night date at all.

    And like Kaye says, there’s nothing wrong with a weeknight date either, frankly. When I was first dating my boyfriend we had plenty of weeknight dates because we both had kids and there were weekends where we couldn’t get together, before we had gotten serious enough where we met each others’ kids. I had plenty of really wonderful weeknight dates with my boyfriend for the first months we were dating just because we didn’t want to go a week without seeing each other.

    #779930 Reply

    anon

    “opposed to doing what people seem to want to do these days and go straight to Friday night netlix and chill. I will not change just because everyone else is doing that doesn’t mean I have to stoop to that level to ‘maintain a man’s interest’.”

    I once had a guy spend $200 on a Thursday dinner out that ended with a hug at our cars. A guy asking you out on a Friday does not equal netflix and chill. Accepting a date on a weeknight is not stooping.

    But again, maintain your high standard of ONLY weekend dates as long as you want. IDK, maybe it is a weird thing in some other culture, but in the US netflix and chill is a type of “date” and not limited to specific days, and people can and do have very respectable non-sex dates on any day of the week.

    #779931 Reply

    K

    I don’t think it was your fault. I also don’t think you’re an entitled princess or rude or you handled this wrong. You simply mirrored him, which is a good thing.I don’t think he was really that interested, here’s why.

    Four dates in three months doesn’t show high interest. Texting every day is meaningless. He said he was talking to his BFF about you a lot. Yeah, maybe maybe not. And that could mean twice! Men don’t chat to their besties like we chat to our besties. (And did his bestie tell him to go no contact on you, uh NO. That’s female behavior that wouldn’t occur to a man.)

    If he were that interested in you, he would have given you a detailed explanation of what he was doing those weekends so you would know why he wasn’t asking to include you, or he would have actually invited you along. And he would have tried harder to arrange another date with you. Remember, you’re the one who asked for a fifth date. He might not have been planning to ask to see you again.

    Either he’s seeing other women and you’re lower in the pecking order as back-up girl or he’s just not interested in being in a serious relationship at this point in time. He ended another relationship in January – that was a while ago. But if he was in that for years and years or if he didn’t want it to end or if he was cheated on, then it could be some time before he’s ready to be all in with someone new.

    Bottom line – doesn’t sound like this was really going anywhere. I don’t agree you did anything to put him off. it feels to me like he was on the way out and wasn’t that strong into you in the first place. Sorry.

    #779932 Reply

    Khadija

    I wasn’t very happy that he was going to be so busy so I told him I wasn’t free for the next few weekends either and left it at that.

    Well you basically shot him down and offered no alternatives. It seems you want things to be your way. He’s not even your boyfriend.

    I think 4 dates in 3 months is low interest to begin with and he probably has sensed you are upset. Which is why he has backed off.

    If you really like this guy you could reach out, not sure why you think his friends are thinking about you double texting. That sounds rather silly.

    Honestly, if you can’t be flexible sometimes you are going to have a tough time with dating. People have lives and other commitments that don’t revolve around you.

    #779933 Reply

    Vera

    Fair enough that people are busy but come on!!
    It’s been a few months , only 3-4 dates.
    If a guy was super into you he definitely would have said what he was doing that made him so busy he couldn’t even see you for a couple of hours on three Whole weekends in a row .

    And while I agree you didn’t react the best way by flat out saying you’re busy and being short in your replies … it’s ok you are human .

    For all of you people who keep saying you’re so busy all the time – I will challenge you on that by saying if you were dating someone you were really into , a few hours would magically appear on your weekend schedule to squeeze them in. Isn’t the point of dating to see who you could be compatible with to spend more time with and ultimately integrate into your lives ? People are wearing their busy-ness as a badge of honour these days .
    Don’t worry OP . He really wasn’t showing enough interest anyways .

    #779935 Reply

    anon

    Vera,
    Not my last 3 weeks. Work travel is exhausting. The weekend with the race was exhausting. Thanksgiving travel was exhausting. If I was into someone I would suggest a midweek date or a Friday night date, which this man did.

    I’m going to guess that our OP would not have been open to Saturday lunch or Sunday brunch given her negative reaction to a Friday date. And if someone turned down my alternative, then starting answering my texts with short replies, I’d not do the mental exercise to squeeze them in according to their preferences.

    #779936 Reply

    Hana

    Just to clarify guys, we went out once a week for the first three dates and he was the one that arranged each of those. I decided to arrange the fourth and fifth because it seemed like the fair thing to do. There was a two week gap in which we didn’t see each other because I was absolutely run off my feet in work and then a family member fell ill. I meant it’d been three months since we started talking, not dating, my bad for not describing that properly!
    Thank you all for the replies though, they’ve given me a lot to think about and I think I’m best off just accepting that it’s done with him now

    #779938 Reply

    anon

    So in the future, if you are interested in a guy, be a little flexible if he gets busy, especially if you also get busy.

    The idea that a man will move a mountain to get to a disinterested acting woman is a myth for the most part. That’s a Hollywood myth. Truly.

    #779940 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Thanks for clarifying, OP.

    It sucks, but I think it’s significant that he organized the first 3 dates, then his interest seemed to wane….you had to organize the next 2 dates…then you were busy for weeks, then he’s busy for weeks….I know I sound like a broken record, but his interest level isn’t very high. If he were interested in you, he’d be doing whatever he could to have time with you. Even if it meant lunch on a Tuesday, or a dinner on a Wednesday night- whatever.
    If you legitimately couldn’t see him for a couple of weeks because a family member was ill, the guy would NOT inform you his next few weekends were full, if he really wanted to see you. He’d be dying for some time with you, and would find a way.

    But I agree with what’s been said, that you came off as aloof and inflexible with your subsequent reactions. And he probably just figured it wasn’t worth the hassle, since his interest level seems like it was waning anyway.

    I don’t intend to offend in the least, so I hope none is taken. Next time be flexible and receptive to a guy if you are interested. Don’t play games, and meet his effort level– if he’s trying to see you, be warm and receptive. If he’s texting you and trying to engage, be warm and receptive, don’t give bland replies that don’t need a response. That’s not how you engage a guy and show him you’re interested.

    #779941 Reply

    Tallspicy

    This guy was never very interested. The rest is conjecture. You need to be less invested in men who are not your boyfriend, less impressed by texting, and only invite men into your life who escalate and when they stop, let them go.

    AND LADIES STOP WITH THE FAIR MALARKEY. men do not want fair, they want to lead, and for you to be warm, playful, appreciative and responsive. It is not rocket science. They want you to be, not do. This does not mean that you never plan something, but you only do it if they are consistent, and then let them plan the next few.

    Just because you thought the dates were great, does not mean that he did. Your feelings are not his feelings. I suggest that you never set up a date or initiate contact until after the 4th date in general, and only if he is very consistent about those dates.

    Many men fade in general, it means nothing other than they faded. If you were less invested you would not take ownership of that, and only own your ability to be warm, playful and joyous – responsive, appreciative.

    #779943 Reply

    Dangerouse

    If a guy told me he would be too busy to see me for several weeks… it really doesn’t matter what your response was. Hes gone. Let him go, bye bye

    #779947 Reply

    anon

    ” If you were less invested you would not take ownership of that, and only own your ability to be warm, playful and joyous – responsive, appreciative.”

    So what you are saying, is men only value your ability to act like a loyal dog.

    I think men value women who are authentic, which is why games are pointless. Granted, your authenticity needs to match their wants. And honestly in this case, it probably just was not a good match on either end. Like if you really felt genuine warmth, joy and playfulness around the guy, you’d make a friday night work. You did not feel that, he annoyed you, you went cold, he walked.

    #779953 Reply

    Chester

    There is a fine line between knowing your worth etc and being a diva. I see nothing wrong with a Friday night date. I agree with others here in that he isn’t very interested. As for men not discussing their dating problems that is not exactly true. Men do discuss these things briefly and yes advice will be offered. I suspect his friend has brought his feelings about the OP into sharp focus. He has realised that his feelings are vague and rather insubstantial. He likes you up to a point,hence he is not pulling a 100% vanishing act. This busy for the next three weeks is him preparing the ground to end the relationship. Men who feel a strong romantic attraction for a woman would fit her in to even the busiest of times.

    #779969 Reply

    Diana

    What’s wrong with friday night?

    #779972 Reply

    Lane

    I agree with Chester. A man who is very interested would not allow a few weeks to go by unless there was a prior vacation/trip planned and even then they would make darn sure to keep you in their close radar so you don’t forget about them! The moment they step back in, they step all the way back in and will pick up where they left off.

    Too be honest, he’s just playing the field and not interested in tying himself down into another relationship yet. When a man is ready he will step up and bat it out the park and keep batting it out of the park, when they stop, it mean’s “I’m not interested in pursuing this any further” and will then find reasons, such as using the “I’m busy” excuse, to end the dating game with you—at that point a smart woman steps off the field and walks away.

    He did not ‘ghost you’ he lost interest which a very common occurrence in the world of dating—only when a man keeps knocking it out of the park, by asking you out on dates and begins the process of integrating you into his world, should you remain on the field, if not, best to walk off.

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