Getting on beautifully, then he went off the radar – confused!

Red flag- Saying he’s “intimidated” by you and saying he was scared he was going to f-up.

Red flag-moving too fast, being SO into you, asking about kids, where you see yourself in 5 years, growing old with you.

Red flag- referring to you as his girlfriend without having “the talk”

Too many red flags with this guy and then as soon as you admit you really like him, that’s the last you see of him. I’m sorry but in my experience dating guys in the 2-3 month range the stronger they come on in the beginning the quicker they disappear at the end.

I would have just let him ghost. You sent multiple text messages, called, and pretty much kept pestering him until he couldn’t ignore you anymore and said he would contact you…which he didn’t. Then you send the I wish you well, I’ll miss you final text. Which I wouldn’t have done but at least you got your answer and you could move on.

No you weren’t too harsh cutting things off like that. You weren’t happy and he wasn’t going to give you want you needed. I think you did the absolute right thing in walking away from a guy who was flaking out and distancing himself from you. Don’t second guess it. This wasn’t meant to be and the less time you wasted the better. Good luck!

Ok, I’ll try again

Wow, I just tried to post a new topic to respond to you and it won’t let me.

Unfortunately you committed two unrecoverable dating mistakes which basically drove him away. I would like to help you so you can see clearer as to navigate the dating world more successfully. I will try again later.

I think you handled it in a kind and respectful manner, when a person vanishes it is natural to worry something happened, so you asked him to please let you know, and he did. And then he ghosted AGAIN. This is where you should have stopped. Telling him all the nice things about him was not needed, he does not deserve it, and you are too kind.

I agree with Kaye on hie red flag list. It is a classical “future talk” man, I am sorry you did not see it sooner.

It was not a very long relationship, you will get over him soon. An important lesson learned, so be careful next time. And learn to recognize “hints”. When a guy is not responding, he is telling you he is not interested anymore. It is not a nice way, but many men are cowards and simply not nice, they do not have a courtesy of telling the woman they are no longer interested, they prefer to watch her go wonder and worry and text and ask. It feeds their ego. He was not entirely this way, but still, why not respond to you after you second text and say he is not on the same page with you and you are not a match together. No good reason for not doing this type of thing, ever. So if you are feeling sad, don’t. He was a flake and not a decent person. You did not lose much at all, in fact, you were spared future problems, I am sure of that. Plus you learned a good lesson.

“The last date we had, I opened up about how I was scared to admit I liked him more than I was saying so.”… “both feeling tortured because we knew we had to go our separate ways home that night due to early commitments the next morning”

This sounds like such intense drama. Dating should be fun, not full of fear and tortured souls. This would make me run too.

Alright lets see if I can get it to work this time.

Hi Mox,

I wanted to give you a perspective from the guy’s point of view and what happened.

You said, “Several days after we had out last date, I figured he was going cold. Sent him a text saying how I knew he was juggling lots of things between work and everything else, but that his quietness made me feel a little forgotten. I said I trusted he’d be in touch when things cooled down.”

This text translated in man speak says, “I am desperate and needy and I need you to reassure me so I feel good about myself. I know I can’t get reassurance now, but trust I will hear from you soon so I can get that reassurance.” Then by you continuing to call and text just showed to him the desperation and neediness.

Right or wrong, this is how men hear this stuff. Unfortunately this type of behavior is complete man repellant. Nothing turns a sexually attracted interested man off faster than 1. a woman who appears (in his eyes) to be needy and insecure and 2. a woman who (desperately) pursues a man with that neediness. Once that chemistry is turned off for the man, the likelihood of it being rekindled is pretty much gone.

I do think this is where things went off track and I do think things could have progressed nicely had you not contacted him at all. The reason I believe this is because I myself have driven men away more than once. Between those painful events and learning how men tick, I can see it clearly now.

Rules/guidelines – never ever pursue a man. If you don’t hear from him in a timely manner, don’t pick up the slack. Let the man do the work. Work on learning how to handle the tension of dating. I am going to write a string on that called dating is like fishing. Maybe that will help some. Never ever ask a man for reassurance. Men don’t need reassurance like woman do and it only comes across as needy. If you are in a long term committed relationship you can ask for reassurance, but then only sparingly.

I hope this helps give you a pretty specific answer to what happened and why. Chalk it up as lesson learned and try to learn to not do it again. You attracted this great guy originally, so I am sure you can attract another great guy again soon. Good luck.

Wow, really sounds so super similar to my most recent situation its weird! diff is, I only sent one text saying all good see ya nicely, he came back saying busy but please come hang out with his famz that night, i couldnt – get a text a week later asking to go to a game in about 2 weeks – lol.. who knows, I don’t really mind. Doesnt matter what his deal is, its what i want and its nobodys scraps – should he decide to contact again, who knows then i will cut it off. Same for you doll, doesnt matter what his deal is, it matters what you want in a partner and if they aint delivering then why would you hold on? i agree they should ABSOLUTELY have the guts to end it properly, but just another coward really :) mine did the whole wanting exclusive dating also – which is why i didnt immediately move on but have now, didnt take me long though to not really care.

Thinking back, I had been telling my friends how it all seemed too good to be true. Whether I was being overly suspiscious and insecure that this great guy had come along.

They all encouraged me to just trust it, and that not every guy is indecent. Perhaps I should’ve trusted my gut then. What would you have done at the time though if you had felt things were going a bit too well?

men not me

Lesson learnt. Thankyou so much everyone for your insights.

I’m heartbroken now, knowing it was all my fault. I’m the one who suggested the breakup. I threw away something which was good. He is moving to another town 250km away in April for work for three months, he may only have time on wkds to come back to where I am – if he does, as I’m not sure if he’ll have a place to stay anymore. He had asked if I would go and see him up there when he moved.

I feel like such a loser. is there any chance I can get him back now that I completely messed up?

I don’t think you are 100% at fault. But do however let people have their space. The only way to let someone have space is to be secure in your awesomeness and that they will cycle back eventually because of how awesome you are. But if they take space and are gone, oh well, then it’s not meant to be. You will be ok regardless. Late thirties? You mean you are in the absolute prime of your womanhood? That’s not a bad time to be experiencing.

Mox,

I’m sorry this happened and it sucks to feel heartbroken, but it’s not 100% your fault: you clearly wanted to know where you stood, so you kept asking. I’ve been in that situation – ouch, I feel for you, because you did the wrong thing there, but you can’t say non-contact would have worked either and I know what it’s like when you’re going crazy for an answer.
I can imagine how hurtful it was to be ignored by him and why it prompted more and more initiation from you.

However, I can’t stress enough that what everyone is advising here is EXACTLY what to do. Let him disappear. Get on with life and trust that, if he’s as interested as you initially believed, he will be back.

I know this from experience.

Read this over and over again until it’s imprinted in your head! “Men are like rubber bands. During the intimacy cycle men will withdraw. It is just how they are wired. The get close for a while and then they pull back to center themselves again and then once they are done, they spring back picking up the same level of intimacy.”

This is what happened with me and my current man and it’s never happened to me before now either. So we met online, hit it off and sparks everywhere, he’s telling me how amazing I am yadda yadda… super intense. So I pulled back a little, gave him space, and we both had a bit of a pull back, me because I was concerned that he was moving too fast and him – well, who knows, but I am certain it was the rubber band thing. I left it 12 days, so did he, then BOOM, he was back, everything back to even better than before.

Same cycle happened again one other time, left it over a week, then he came back with the absolute goal of seeing me more and getting us more onto a steady thing. Now, if I leave him for a day without contact, he’s straight back in touch with me, asking to see me.

I cannot stress enough how difficult it is to let them have their space: at first I freaked out completely and had to give my phone to my friend overnight as I was so upset at his silence (even though I wasn’t contacting him either!) I know it’s hard, but it is genuinely effective. When he first came back, he sheepishly alluded to the fact he had disappeared and I didn’t even mention it, which he seemed so grateful for – it was like I could literally see him viewing me with a different kind of respect, as I had just got on with my life, as far as he was concerned, and didn’t stress him out over basically the fact we’d both given each other a bit of space.

It’s not easy, but it’s worth doing. I would absolutely recommend going non-contact now. There is nothing whatsoever you can do that is better for you (and for any potential future if there is one with this guy) than silence. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN.

This forum helps enormously. Stay on it!