Ex who got married to his ex before me texted me a year after his marriage


Home Forums Break Up Advice Ex who got married to his ex before me texted me a year after his marriage

This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  AngieBaby 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #929718 Reply

    Lana

    He dated his ex for 10 months, told me almost cheated on her when he was drunk and she was away on a three-month trip and they finally had to break up because of the girl’s mother. We were together for three and a half years. We were pretty serious and intended on getting married but started having a lot of fights during our last year together. He broke up with me, kept asking me to sleep with him for 7 months after the breakup and then 6 months after the last time he asked me to come over to his place and I didn’t, he got married to his ex before me. After the breakup I kept begging him to stay in contact with him and he said he didn’t want to. When I heard he was married I stopped contacting him altogether. Now, 1 year after his marriage and a year and a half after the last time we talked to each other, he texted me and told me he had a bad dream and I was in it so he couldn’t resist reaching out because he wanted to see how I was doing. I replied politely but coldly and told him I was fine and thanked him for checking.
    I don’t wanna be in contact with him but I’m really curious about why on earth he texted me after such a long time.

    #929719 Reply

    tammy

    doesn’t really matter does it? whatever the reason? hes married and has a wife. you have already replied to him. now forget about him.

    #929748 Reply

    Andrea

    He may feel some guilt over how things ended and just wanted to touch base. Or he could be looking for an easy hookup. I wouldn’t have responded.

    #929750 Reply

    alice

    This is common behavior for people who cannot bear to commit to one person indefinitely! Intimacy makes them nervous and restless, and so they look to a secondary person – often an ex – to provide the boost they need to and to offer an alternative, as they see it, to the person they’re with. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THIS PERSON. He’s already shown you what sort of person he is.

    #929751 Reply

    Maddie

    What alice said, 100%.

    #929754 Reply

    AngieBaby

    He was fishing to see if you were still on the line. OK, you took the bait this time. Now that he knows you’re there, he will find another flimsy excuse of some kind to contact you again. At that point just say, you’re glad he’s doing OK but it would be best for him not to contact you any longer. And then you block and don’t respond to anything else if he finds a way to contact you on another channel. Like Alice said, either he can’t ever get all in with one person, or he’s unhappy in the marriage and looking for an easy outlet to get attention. Don’t give him any more. He made his choice and he has to live with it. You don’t need this kind of person in your life, not even as a “friend.”

    #929833 Reply

    Lana

    Thank you everyone for answering. If this was about guilt wouldn’t he have apologized or something?

    #929835 Reply

    Maddie

    No. For this type of guilt and cowardly person, seeing that you’ll still respond is validation enough. There’s still too much shame and immaturity to take any responsibility and apology, which is how you know he hasn’t changed. So even if it is guilt instead of flat out fishing for attention and an outlet to step out on his wife, it doesn’t matter. His outreach is nothing but bad news under all scenarios. I would just block him and be done, you don’t owe him anything further.

    #929836 Reply

    Lana

    Yes, I mean I’m not gonna answer if he does text me and that’s why I responded coldly. For a second there I thought he had something important to tell me, like an emergency or something.
    I have something else on my mind though. During this whole time after he was married I kept thinking maybe he never loved me one bit and that he just used me for 3 and a half years to get over his ex which he couldn’t in the end. Or maybe he was right when he blamed me for our relationship not working and that I ran him back to hi ex. When he texted me I could also entertain the possibility that this is who he is, never content with what he has, self-sabotaging and everything. That it doesn’t matter if it’s me or his wife, that my gut feeling was right and he kinda was gonna turn out to be a cheater. So my question is, is this probable? Or is it that he loves his wife faithfully and just texted me to relieve the guilt?

    #929838 Reply

    Maddie

    I can understand the impulse to want to ask that question, but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is all the actions he took were completely disrespectful of you, over and over for a long period of time, and why would you blame yourself for HIS choices? He’s a grown man. He has attachment, intimacy, and commitment issues. Even if he’s legally committed to her, randomly and vaguely fishing and breadcrumbing your exes who are on the terms he ended things with you on (emotionally charged, and you are not friends) is emotionally inappropriate. Plus, he’s already almost cheated on her at least once that you know about.

    It is probable they will not have the kind of solid marriage you are looking for or one that would make YOU happy, though whatever they have may work better for them. Maybe they both like being miserable, who knows. He’s not going to magically change because that’s not how humans work, is what I think the answer to your question really is. It takes hard work and wanting to change over usually a period of a couple years in order to change. If he had something real to say in the vein of an apology and then mutually moving on (since he is married), he’d have said it in response to your reply. But it sounds he hasn’t said anything of substance, which means analyzing him or assuming his intentions when he has a history of treating you like crap is a waste of your energy.

    If you want to examine something, it will be more helpful to you to introspect about why you’d accept the blame for his terrible behavior and choices and continued to stick around, why he’s able to guilt you into wondering if this was your fault. It’s not your fault, and his behavior should not be accepted and tolerated. You deserve better, and with the space you now have from him I hope it gives you the room to focus on healing yourself and eventually be open to someone who will treat you and care for you with the respect you deserve.

    #929843 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Lana, please stop. Don’t go down that rabbit hole, there’s no bottom to it. The past is gone. All these questions won’t change what happened then or where things are today, even if you had the answers to them.

    Keep reading Maddie’s response until you don’t have any more need to ask questions involving his behavior and his choices.

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