Ex meeting has messed my head up


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This topic contains 1 reply, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Eric Charles 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #933457 Reply

    Kirsty

    3 weeks ago me and my ex finished after 4 years together. I found it hard to go no contact and every few days would reach out to him. He never reached out it was only because id call him that we spoke then simetimes we get into an argument about what went wrong and wouldnt speak again for a few days. I got used to not hearing from him and just carried on day by day just getting on with things but it really hurt every day I missed him.

    Yesterday I called him and he asked to meet up to talk I met him and it felt like we had never been apart and I looked at him and the attraction was still there. He told me he had missed me and he regretted everything he did in the relationship that he still loved me. we left each other and now wants to meet up again but this is where my heads messed up I feel like alot has happened in the relationship there’s be alot of disrespect and trust issues and we have had time apart I dont think it will be the same going back he made no efforts with me during the breakup he was ignoring my calls when he was out he was getting on with his life it was me calling him because I was struggling.

    I feel I was dealing with breakup even though I was hurt and so unhappy and now I’m back to square one and thinking what have I done and during that time I was offered a job and excepted it because I told myself I got to move on we are done and its in another city and ive got to move in 4 months and ive not told him and now I feel like I want to be with him again and try again but my family and friends think im in no contact with him again they all dislike him and I still love him my head is a mess and I’m having anxiety I don’t know what to do.

    #933473 Reply

    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    Breakups are difficult.

    They dredge up an overwhelming amount of emotions and it’s agonizing.

    On top of that, the person who you would normally lean on for comfort is exactly the person you can’t reach out to because you broke up.

    The problem here is that you never actually went through the post-breakup stages.

    You would feel bad then run back to him. You never learned to leave those feelings alone and let it be. You never accepted the breakup. You never found your own center again. You never found healthy replacements to give you what the relationship used to give you, so you could stand stronger on your own.

    See the no contact rule is more than just not contacting him.

    The no contact rule is active time, where you are essentially “moving on” and returning to being a happy single woman.

    That’s not to say you don’t want him back in the end, but it’s more like, “Hey I want him back but if it can’t happen, I’ll still be OK.”

    You haven’t done no contact until you’ve reached that place inside.

    Next, if he’s the one that dumped you, he needs enough space to miss you and wonder if he’s really lost you forever.

    If you’re always there, clearly waiting for him to come back, then he knows he “has you” and there’s no chance he’ll lose you. And thus, won’t miss you or wonder about losing you, he knows you’ll always be there.

    If you’re a happy single woman again and you haven’t reached out to him, then he could lose you. Then his mind starts fearing that and he seriously questions if that’s what he wants.

    And the more he questions it, the more he starts thinking about all the good things in the relationship. And the more he does that, the more he downplays the problems and thinks proactively about how the relationship could be better next time.

    >> “I dont think it will be the same going back”

    It CAN’T be the same. After all, you broke up! Why would you want it to be the same?

    Something was wrong. That’s why the breakup happened.

    And something was wrong for awhile before you two actually broke up. That won’t change unless the two of you look at things really honestly and can talk about what was really wrong.

    And guess what? If you’re emotional and upset, he will never attempt to have an honest conversation about the true problems that led to the relationship ending.

    Truth is, even if you’re not upset, he might not be capable of it. He might not be able to put his thoughts and feelings into words. He might not be able to bring himself to say the truth in the deepest way.

    But I can at least tell you that if you’re incredibly emotional and upset, he will never even try.

    If you want a great relationship, he needs to be able to tell you the raw, ugly, difficult stuff. Can you handle hearing it?

    If you can’t, the ugly stuff will still be there. But you won’t know about it. It will still cause all the problems, but you won’t know why.

    So really it comes down to whether or not you want to know what’s truly going on so you can engage with it.

    Hey, maybe there’s no way this relationship can work out. But you can only know that if you know what was actually going on.

    Almost all guys will do their best to tell you the fullest, rawest truth if he believes that you can handle it.

    That doesn’t just mean when you hear it. It also means afterwards, maybe even months or years later.

    Will you bring up raw truths he shared and use it against him? If you ever do, he will never trust you with that level of truth again.

    And how do you get to a place where you can handle that level of truth?

    You actually DO the no contact process of getting to a place where you are truly happy and whole as a single woman.

    Then you can handle him being as he is because you don’t need him to be some other way in order for you to feel OK. At the base of your being, you are a happy and whole single woman.

    As for the job thing, assume you’re going to it. You have 4 months so you have a bit of time to figure out this relationship.

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