Does he have sexual intimacy issues…or is it me?

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  T from NY 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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    I thought a lot about reaching out for some advice, but I’m hoping this dynamic will help me to feel some form of anonymity.

    I’ve been dating this amazing man for just over a year now. We are both in our 30’s (him 34, me 36). We both have children from our previous marriages (him 1 daughter, me a son and daughter). This relationship, however amazing he is, has been perhaps the most challenging relationship I’ve ever been in, from the beginning. Intellectually, I feel we are a great match. We can talk for hours on end about fairly insightful and thought-provoking topics. He makes me laugh probably more than anyone ever has. We have fun together. We work great as a team when facing any type of project, be it small or large. And we’ve grown to learn one another’s communication styles and needs (this has taken the better part of the year to accomplish). Things are wonderful, and we have just recently made the decision to merge homes/families.

    However, the one area of our relationship that remains very mysterious, and even concerning, to me is our sex life. There has never been a time when we just made love like crazy and couldn’t get it enough. Never. Not even for a day. I WANTED us to be there, but he never seemed to get there with me. It took 7 dates for our first kiss to happen, and about 2 months for us to make love. And then it’s only been about once a week ever since. He seems to be very bored by the idea some days, but the times we are intimate it has gotten much more enjoyable. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he has made it very clear he doesn’t want to discuss sex in any way. The odd thing is though, we will sometimes wake in the middle of the night, roll over and start to fondle and kiss me, in ways he doesn’t any other time, and then when I begin engaging it just stops. Just bam – stops. The vast majority of the time we are intimate, it is initiated by me. I feel like I have to seduce him, and it really wears on my confidence within our relationship.

    Can anyone please shed some light on this for me? I’m open to answering any questions to help with bringing understanding. I’m just at a loss. I consider myself to be fairly good looking. I take care of myself, and am extremely hygienic. I strive to be a strong, supportive partner. Is there something I’m missing??

    #788809 Reply

    T from NY

    First off I am very sorry you are going through this. I am afraid that the answers you seek will not be comforting ones. In my opinion there is no fixing this (on YOUR end) for several reasons. There is only what your response will be.

    One. This is your partners problem. And what’s more it’s more of an issue if he doesn’t think it’s a problem! I was in the exact type or marriage where it was ME initiating 90 percent of the time and it didn’t change for 2 DECADES because he also refused to discuss it or adequately address it when I could get him to talk about it. I suffered miserably from lack of physical needs not being met, lack of emotional intimacy and my self esteem was in the toilet.

    The second reason this will be difficult to remedy is that you two have participated in this behavior and come this far down the road and behaviors have become entrenched. A dynamic is established and that’s why advice to deal with issues honestly and courageously in the beginning is recommended. It is not healthy that there are subjects that are completely off limits. Authentic relationships require sometimes dealing in brutal honesties and if he is not willing to speak to you, let alone attempt to meet your needs – you have to consider if that is the type of partner you want to be with for the long term.

    My advice before speaking to him would be to get REALLY clear about what you NEED and what you can ACCEPT in this relationship. If it is different than what you already have – then you should be prepared to let your partner know what you’ve decided IF he refuses to address it with you.

    If it’s bothering you this much now, I believe it will continue to bother you. I have been divorced for over 5 years now and would never be able to accept a relationship where our libidos are not similar. He sounds incredible in many ways. But sex and physical intimacy are what differentiate partnerships from all other relations. I have decided I cannot live without passion, so choose to be alone or with someone similar. It’s now time for you to decide what you can and cannot live with.

    #788810 Reply

    T from NY

    You should not for one moment think it is you. Even women who gain weight or have hygiene issues or WHAT the heck-ever – it would be up to their partner to address the matter with them. This is his issue. One of control, trauma, whatever. It’s not you.

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