Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Do I send the Merry Christmas text or not?
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Sammy.
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Sammy
Help please! Met a guy on CMB 4 weeks ago. A little hesitant as 5 years younger than me and worry younger guys see me as a hookup. I’m 38, looking for dating -> serious / marriage minded guys. Hardly ever like anyone. Anyway, we exchanged long book like messages daily and he seemed very polite/ thoughtful and interested. After a week he mentioned he would like to exchange numbers if I was comfortable as texting on WhatsApp was easier. Gave my number, easy communication. Told me he is looking for a partner. Sweet compliments and hello pretty lady type messages etc. Graduated to phone call initiated by him then a first date which he planned with lunch and drinks. He asked me how I felt about a kiss on a first date and I said I don’t normally and he pulled me in for a kiss anyway which was a surprise and very sexual. I was a little taken aback but attracted to him and we had a nice date. He made no attempt to suggest sex. He asked me out again and we text in between. Made a little joke about his hungry kisses and he said sorry about trying to eat me and we flirted a little. 2nd date was nice too and again very passionate kisses but mainly talking. Texting daily after and mainly him initiating. Then here in U.K. a lockdown was being announced, I was meant to be away on the weekend then trip cancelled so he suggested we meet as I was in town. I said meeting him would be nice. Then the day before when more restrictions were announced by the government, he said he was really angry about it and ‘as much as he would love to see me, he didn’t think he’d be good company’ so I said no stress. Though found it odd his mood could be so affected as my approach was seeing him would make the day better. I had mentioned I had plans to have a zoom call that evening and in between he text asking if I was free that evening we could speak on the phone. I didn’t get off the zoom call Until late. Messaged when I finished saying too sleepy to speak but next day would be nice. He didn’t reply to my text so I messaged that evening to ask how his day and he replied quickly but didn’t acknowledge my earlier text or say anything about trying to speak or meet again. Seemed less warm on text but we had some banter back and forth, he said he had some reports to finish so I said hope he wasn’t up too late with it and he said thanks, hope you have a good rest of evening… that was 4 days ago. Up until Saturday, he was initiating conversation. It’s like overnight something changed. I feel I did reach out once already after he didn’t reply about speaking which was his idea. Feels odd, maybe he is ghosting and I should leave it. Or send a casual Merry Christmas text and see if he replies…. UGH sorry – any advice appreciated as I feel a man should pursue but don’t want to lower myself by texting… If he was interested I guess he would be in touch
Newbie
People send Merry xmas cheers to total strangers so Yes i think you can but only that. You are way overthinking your interactions with dude. Just stop, sit back and see what he does
Zoe
Absolutely NOT!
You have been initiating way too much already. Move on with your life.Tallspicy
No. You are grossly overinvested. He is not pursuing you anymore. That is your queue to loose his number. He knows where you are.
Dating: letting him lead until he is your boyfriend. He means nothing until he is your boyfriend. If he walks away, he was never your boyfriend so it doesn’t matter.
Dating: never letting anyone else’s actions or opinions have any sway over your feelings of self love.
Sammy
Think you’re right @tallspicy…. he has stopped pursuing me. He also said he cannot stand it when people don’t make an effort to maintain a conversation which is why I thought he might think it’s my turn to make more effort. But early stages of dating guys should. Yes @Zoe I should leave it… don’t get the point of these guys though. Maybe underneath it all, a hook up was more his driver for this and now there is a lockdown he sees no point in chatting as we can’t meet and progress physically. Unless he was lying, said he rarely clicks with anyone. Especially now with pandemic, hard for anyone to meet… seems a waste but sure the feeling must be mutual.
I think the fact I’m upset by his pulling away at an early stage shows I am too invested and if he comes back in contact again to fade again, would only be worse… sick of thisAnon
I think differently. Things are so challenging right now- he could be in a really bad mood over what’s going on. I’d wish him Merry Christmas as you seemed to be getting along ok before these restrictions.
Sammy
So I wished him merry Christmas and we had a back & forth..nice enough… guess not ghosted but could be a slow fade. not going to initiate again! Thanks for advice all….Merry Christmas to you all! X
Tallspicy
Now you know nothing at all about his interest. He was pleasant I am sure. Lose his info, he knows where to find you.
Anon
You wish him a merry Christmas because he was a person you were recently in a possible dating situation and it’s Christmas. That’s all. You did a nice thing by doing that. The world we are currently living in is rough- send kindness out when you can. I know you want something more- but know you put it out there- a kind gesture.
Sammy
Thanks for both angles @tallspicy and @anon
He messaged me today Merry actual Xmas! So more back and forth and by end of day, he sent a blatantly sexual comment about what he has been daydreaming about. He asked me if it is time to be reacquainted with his tongue? I said in light banter that’s partly that the next date is for ;) and his answer was ‘cool’… I said partly and date as it’s just that… not an affirmative to yes let’s meet to hook up..,feels more he has turned suddenly from courting me to being less warm and wants to meet only to have action. I live alone and he lives with his folks but I’m not inviting him to mine for a 3rd date. Too soon. I’ve given him a green light to another date and upto him to move forward with suggestion of a time. Yes it’s tricky to do much as so many restrictions but not impossible. If you like a Woman, it’s a good time to get to her, calling / FaceTime etc… he hasn’t moved forward and yes I’d like to be pursued. I’ve done the kind gesture of reinitiating at XmasNewbie
You two have no established routine yet, so you cant conclude much about what this guy is. Except he did stop asking you out and now you are nudging him and he is 33 still living with his parents. If you really want marriage/kids i would extract the net fast certainly now in Corona times. You dont have time to entertain boys
Lil
Hmm sounds to me that he is not looking for a relationship but sex. He had pulled back and now he is resting you too see if you will put out for the next date. Don’t fall for this !
Sammy
Yes seems like he has shifted too much for me to feel he wants more than a hook up. Hot and cold / games is off putting for me. He said within first few conversations a month ago when we were talking about what we look for in a partner he said 1) big sexual attraction as if it’s not there from the beginning of a relationship it’s doomed 2) someone that improves his life… I agree that sexual attraction is important but the key thing is exploring sex in a relationship not when dating and sure wouldnt be having sex on a 3rd date. When he used the word relationship in that context, I figured he was on the same page but seems he means sex off the bat. Not comfortable. He is British Indian (me too) and sadly common for grown ass men to live with their folks until they decide to get married. He said he is looking to buy a place though normally men who are more independent and broad minded do so earlier. Not got a good feeling about him anymore nor feeling like I did anything wrong. I expect not to hear from him again and he won’t be hearing from me either. Thanks for input!
Tallspicy
Hell to the no! Gross. Next.
It would be one thing if he was consistent and pushing a little sexually, but he is not even trying to court you. I suggest this is a dangerous game to turn around and you like him too much to do it.
Tallspicy
Men date to get sex and find love. But, it is your job to pave it and make it clear that overly sexual will not fly. You did not do that.
Tallspicy
Your answer should not have been next date. It should have been…. easy there, tiger. That would have sent a clearer message.
Sammy
Fair comments. I made the easy tiger comment after the first date and he said sorry. He clearly wants sex early and will lose interest in women who aren’t game. I’ve lost my desire to get to know him too now in the last 48 hours as he has shown his cards and not being gentlemanly. It’s a two way street. He has lost my interest too.
Charlotte
Hello! I have had this before (and I am 45 now and been around the block a few times). There are a few things I want to say: firstly from my experience of having guys do exactly this he is only interested in hooking up for sex, and I think that’s what he’s going for. The texts are all very nice but it’s easy to be lulled into a false sense of security with a guy, but there are too many red flags here. Secondly – and I cannot say this loud enough – however he treats you now is how he will treat you in a relationship. When you said he got a bit moody that was a huge red flag, because if a genuine guy really likes you then speaking to you should calm down any annoyance he has with COVID, or if he’s not in a great mood he should not want to show it in order to not put you off. It almost feels like he’s trying to see whether you will still respond if he is a bit of an arse. The fact that he’s even asking about kissing you on the first date is a red flag, and the fact he goes ahead when you didn’t give permission – if it’s sexual too then he’s just looking to get his end away. I know it’s really hard, particularly when someone you like shows interest, but there are so many red flags here. x
Sammy
Hey Charlotte – thanks for your wisdom… I don’t think he got too far with me, passionate kissing was ok but still he pushed a boundary you’re right… from what I see, he will continue to be a moody sexually frustrated manchild for a while. Yes many red flags but as he started off as very polite and had lots of say outside of the sexual comment, felt he wanted more than a hook up. He isn’t boyfriend material and I’m glad I’m no longer interested. Pre Xmas was a different story as was thinking maybe being kind and reaching out was okay to start a conversation.
Liz Lemon
You live and you learn. I agree with many of Charlotte’s points. Getting moody with you about Covid when he’d only been on a couple dates with you shows that he was not in courting mode– he was not trying to impress you. I understand being frustrated about restrictions but a man trying to court a woman would vent to a friend about it and not to a woman he just barely met, assuming he wanted to impress her.
Also the first date kiss was icky. When you said you don’t normally kiss on a first date, and he pulled you in anyway (without even asking for consent)– again, not the actions of a man who is courting you and concerned about the impression he’s making on you (what if you had pushed him away or slapped him? He was obviously not overly concerned with that possiblity).
Anyway good for you for picking up on how the tone of his interactions with you has changed. I agree the best thing is to let this one go. At least you found out early, before getting invested.
Ss
In fairness he might of taken the “I don’t normally…” comment in a flirty way depending on the OPs tone or that she was making an exception.
Not sure what to think of the rest of it. Living at home still as a British Indian is fairly common in my experience, its a cultural norm.
I’d be concerned about the sexual comments coming off the back of radio silence.
I think he’ll reach out again but likely for a hook up
Sammy
Ss…he is clearly confident and sexually forward. The first date was smooth too. He may have taken anything other than HELL NO as an opening but a gent would hang back after what I said. I wasn’t being flirty. Yes being sexual in comments after radio silence was indicative of any underlying intent. I don’t believe a guy goes from genuinely wanting to court you to trying to hook up overnight. I think a hook up was his main aim from the start. Doubt I’ll hear from him again as I’ve made it pretty clear I’m looking for a relationship. Apparently he was too but actions and words don’t match. Doubt he will but If he reaches out again after more radio silence (havent heard from him since his last message yesterday), I’ll politely draw a line about not being on same page, feel rude to ignore as found out we have friends in common.
Sammy
Also deleted his number now and his chat thread. Feel better for it. As done in my head and lessons learned but didn’t get in too deep. Gave him benefit of doubt and reached out once to wish him merry Christmas. Can’t beat myself up.
Sammy
Thanks @charlotte for your wisdom… I hear you. And to be honest he didn’t get too far. Some passionate kissing and a little mindfu***ry… he is not boyfriend material by a long way
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