Did I overreact?


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  • #391500 Reply
    Natalie

    I have been dating a guy for 2 months, we’re exclusive and recently he told me he loves me. I have spoken to him in the past about his wandering eye and that I didn’t appreciate that he will check out girls when I’m there and that he’ll make comments to me like ‘she’s cute’.

    A couple of days ago I was on Instagram and saw on my news feed that he had liked a photo of a girl in a bikini. I was curious so I clicked on it and found that he had also commented ‘daymmm’ on it. I called him out on it and said that I didn’t appreciate him commenting on her photo and that I felt it was disrespectful to me. He said that I was overreacting, it didn’t mean anything and that he doesn’t even know the girl. He said I’m trying to control him and I said that I’m not but I have expectations on how I should be treated. He just said that I should ignore it and I said he shouldn’t do it. Things are strained between us now and he said that he’s not sure if things will work out between us because he doesn’t want me to get annoyed about things that are so small. To me it’s a big thing because it makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me?

    Am I asking too much that if I’m in a relationship with a guy that he doesn’t make his perving blatantly obvious and that he doesn’t make comments on girl’s photos?

    #391502 Reply
    Free Spirit

    The only way to stop him of this behavior is to leave stating that your expectations are not being met.

    #391506 Reply
    m

    With regards to social media, maybe… Im curious how old he is, since that doesnt sound like the behaviour of a grown man. But him calling wimen cute in front of you, that would bother me, too. You have mentiomed it amd he still does it…which means it is unlikely to change. There are plenty of men who are respectful and will not overtly ogle women and definitely would not mention finding other women attractive.

    How did you address this with him the first time?

    #391507 Reply
    Anonymous

    I had to chime in here because I’ve experienced this. Some people will tell you it’s an overreaction. That men and women will look at other people (which is true). What these people don’t realize is that this dynamic can turn into a power play for insecure men.

    My man pulled some of this BS early in our relationship. Not on social media, but checking out other women and commenting on them to me. I called him on his disrespectful behavior. When I did, the response was surprising; insecurities about losing me and “protecting himself” came out. We talked it through and our relationship is going strong.

    Sure, we’re not dead and we notice other attractive people. But when it’s to this extent, there may be an underlying problem. Some men pull this to mask their insecurities and project them onto the woman, keeping themselves in the driver’s seat of the relationship.

    #391508 Reply
    Natalie

    He’s 33 and I’m 31 and I do expect more from someone his age. I know guys look and I can’t stop that but I don’t expect it to be so obvious in front of me and also comments to be made.

    I just raised it with him in a conversation and just said that I expected more of him and that I never make comments about guys so why would he do it to me? He apologised and said he didn’t mean to. He does apologise for it but I want less apologies and more of him just not doing it!

    I am falling for him and things are amazing apart from the comments and the social media stuff. I don’t want to walk away but I want it to stop!

    #391512 Reply
    M

    Are you prepared to walk away and leave him for good if it doesn’t stop?

    I’m surprised he’s 33. I would expect more from a 20 year old man, but from a man in his 30s… well, as anonymous pointed out, there is probably more going on here. If you are going to give him another chance, try to remain calm and speak about respect (as you did already), not about hurt feelings. If you get emotional and upset, that is reinforcing his behavior, because you’re giving him a reaction and demonstrating how important he is to you. Does that make sense?

    #391516 Reply
    Natalie

    Thanks M and Anonymous for your responses. Yes, I will walk away if the behaviour continues. He knows that it bothers me so i will move forward and hopefully I won’t have to address it with him again. I just don’t understand why he does it. With the comment on social media I asked him why he did it and he just said it was a compliment and I asked if he did it hoping for a response from the girl and he said no, i just didn’t think. It’s so frustrating because I just don’t get it. It may be as anonymous says and he’s insecure and wants to bring me down with him. A few of his friends have commented that he is batting way above his average and maybe he wants to have the upper hand. Hopefully he realises he’ll lose me if it doesn’t stop and he just changes his behaviour. Thanks girls!

    #391526 Reply
    Becca

    i feel for u sis… my ex used to do similar things on instagram… he’s following girls with gigantic boobs and even porn stars =.=””” for him it is genuinely just a habit, he’s interested in that and didn’t and would probably never change…

    so one day I just sat him down for the “disrespect” talk, knowing that he cared a shit loads about how other people sees him (always wanna put on a show to be a gentleman etc), i informed him that all his following activities are public to whoever thats connected to him on instagram… so he realized most of his friends know he’s recently followed a porn star etc…

    then i asked if he would mind all our common friends seeing me following and liking guys with huge muscles and “huge package”… then he kinda got it… but anyway, even I managed to nicely ask him to compromise on his behavior, deep down in his core he didn’t change, and hence, he’s an ex now~

    #391527 Reply
    Natalie

    Hi Becca, thanks for your message and sorry to hear about your past situation. I really hope that my guy does change his behaviour because I would be sad to have to let him go. He’s put it back on me saying I’m being insecure and trying to change him but to me it’s just about respect and when you’re with someone you shouldn’t be making comments about others! He’s an amazing boyfriend – caring, considerate, affectionate but it’s just this one thing and it’s not something I’m willing to accept, nor should I have to!

    #391528 Reply
    Becca

    I know how annoying that can be really… but let’s also explore his side of argument, about the insecurity feeling.

    When my ex used the same line against me back then “its rooted in ur own insecurity and that u r only trying to change me”, i thought it was utter bs… but now that I can finally think with a clearer head, there might be some truth in it…

    the insecurity might not be obvious like “oh, i dun think i am pretty” hence i was not happy that he compliments another girl… it was more complex like “does it mean i am not enough to satisfy all his desires? that he had to pleasure his eyes elsewhere??” then that’s a punch in my ego which led to my feeling of disrespected. I felt my worth suddenly depreciated and I am sharing his desire with the porn stars…

    thinking about it now, I probably way underestimated my worth and attraction and what i meant to my ex. there will always be prettier girls out there but what i didnt see was, he chose me as his partner, he probably saw more in me than just my appearance. Or even if he really was with me for how I look only, we should never forget the unique qualities we possess and have to offer, may it be your cool, your humor or your smartness. those are the things that make you awesome and make you YOU, those are the things that give your reason and power to have options, option to walk when feel not respected.

    my current bf also appreciate pretty girls, he knows i notice him checking out hot babes too but the dynamic is different this time. I don’t see his act as disrespecting to me at all as I know I am someone very special to him and he appreciates me in many other ways beyond just my appearance. I know what I have to offer and I don’t feel the need to compete with all the hot girls he checked out for his attention and desires becoz i am not even in the same basket in his eyes.

    of coz he doesn’t do that in a too dodgy / outrageous way that come across as creepy, and sometimes i would even join him for the checking and commenting. but my point is, knowing who you are and what you have to offer without much doubt work great as an antidote towards situations like that… whether or not your guy ends up changing, if you have a secured sense of self,it defo makes ur partner’s bahaviour less disturbing or offensive…

    #391537 Reply
    Natalie

    Wow Becca, thank you! You’ve made some great points. I have recognised in the last couple of days that I do need to work on my own self esteem because there is that fear that maybe I’m not enough for him and that he’s always going to be looking elsewhere. I know that I’ll never be ok with the comments but maybe if I have a healthier self esteem then I’ll be able to deal with it better. Thanks!

    #391538 Reply
    Newbie

    Many guys check out a lot of girls pornstars etc on fb but are perfectly capable of distingish that from a real flesh and blood girl they are into. That doesn’t bother me at all. What would bother me if the fact thst he comments on girls when he is with you. That would be a dealbreaker for me and is considered a huge red flag on this site

    #391543 Reply
    LAgirl

    The two times i experienced this… the men were both cheaters.

    I also attempted to let them know it was disrespectful and i also took the tactic of ignoring it and making comments back about hot men. It didnt matter.. at the end of the day I discovered they were both serial cheaters.

    I have no idea about your man, but the ones i was with were and they were not young. One was in 40’s and other in late 50’s.

    #391564 Reply
    Andrea

    If he did something like that on social media and criticized you when you raised your concern, he did not care about your feelings at all. That’s not a man who loves you would do (As he said he loved you). However looking at other girls is nature of man, I would overlook this one.

    If I were you, I would accept what he said that things might not work out between us and really re-evaluate his potential to meet my expectation. That is, at this point, he is not qualified as a boyfriend.

    #391572 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Natalie.

    You need to teach men through ACTION. Start finding some hunks and make comments about them and see how he reacts to it. Just say, well if your going to do then I see no reason why I can’t do it too! Someone someone needs a taste of their own medicine to know how bad it really tastes.

    Personally, I think your communication and approach need to be adjusted as its coming off as too ‘motherish’ (demanding) where your treating him more like a child who was caught doing something wrong, than a grown adult male who deserves to be talked to with the same kind of respect your demanding from him. What’s wrong for you may be right for him, so instead of taking the ego position (“I need or I want”), you should have tried to understood his side first, by asking why he does it and what it means to him, and then found a better way to negotiate a solution where you don’t feel so insecure.

    Bodies are like like art, a flower, a sunset…would you not want him to comment on those? Would you like being told you can’t do something that you like? Need to look at life through the lenses of others and try to understand it first, and then try to seek a solution that benefits both parties. When one feels like they have to give things up just to someone else, it will never work long-term because resentment will slowly build in and love slowly turns into indifference or hate.

    #391573 Reply
    Lane

    Acck…trying to multitask. Wish there was an “edit” button!

    Meant: “SOMETIMES someone needs a taste of their own medicine to know how bad it really tastes.”

    Meant: “When one feels like they have to give things up just to PLEASE someone else, it will never work long-term…”

    #391575 Reply
    Sherri

    I find this guy really immature. Other than what you have mentioned, how is his behaviour re other stuff. Also I do not really see this guy as long term relationship material …. as in a guy who you would marry and have kids with. Pass the time kind of guy sure but not the permanent commitment kind of guy …… Something to think about.

    #391581 Reply
    Lane

    Sherri, this is where I think I disagree for the first time.

    Men are ‘visual creatures’ and bodies are one (of many) a man can’t help to look at. I’m pretty sure sure you’ve thought to yourself “wow, he’s a hunk” when you were dating, in a relationship or married to someone, but had no care to actually meet or date him. Just because men are more ‘expressive about it means diddly. So its OK for him to say it in his head (think it), but never utter it? What’s the difference if the end result is the same?

    As long as he’s just looking and not touching then there shouldn’t be a problem. What you don’t think guys who don’t make public comments or say it out loud near their SO’s haven’t ever cheated or left them for another? Its a fallacy (mistaken belief) to assume men aren’t looking even if they don’t appear to be looking.

    It has more to do with her own insecurities that it does about his comments. If she thinks she would feel more secure with a guy who doesn’t make comments or look when in her presence, then she’s deluding herself because that man can just as easily be secretly looking and she will not be any safer with him than one who does.

    #391582 Reply
    Ashley

    you’re not overreacting.. most of us feel like this but it IS a mistake to call them out on it because they react how your man did. they don’t actually stop, they blame it on us. SO frustrating I know. but it does help if you see it from their point of view.. imagine if you liked a picture & someone got upset over it. it would actually be a turn off & annoying, they would appear uptight & insecure. the best thing to do is don’t look at what he is doing on social media. once you literally stop & resist the temptation to look every time you want to, you will stop caring about it & thinking about it. this is what I did & it works for me. or if it bothers you so much that you do not want to accept anything like this, leave. guys won’t change anything about their behavior unless they want to. if you say you hate something you have to leave or they don’t take it seriously. if you complain about something yet stick around they just will say you’re needy & keep doing it because you have shown through your actions it actually is “ok” because you’re still there & putting up with it. realistically speaking though, pretty much any guy is going to do the liking pictures on instagram thing. even if they don’t “like” it they will still look so I think being realistic it’s something us girls just have to get over & be more confident & chalk it up to “boys will be boys” however the fact he says other girls are hot in front of you IS disrespectful so it seems like if too much of that keeps up you might want to get a more respectful man because that’s just in bad taste.

    #391584 Reply
    talllady

    Firstly, this is a matter of what you can accept or not accept. Some people are more flirty than others. Some people are ok with that, some are not.

    However, I disagree with other posters on here from the point of view of:

    I totally understand that people look, but this is a matter of degree. I simply could not be with someone who is obviously looking, because it would feel like they were, well, obviously “looking”.

    I do believe there is some wiggle room here, looks here and there are totally normal. So is the occasional comment on a really beautiful or handsome person.

    I do not believe this is about her insecurity – Boyfriends do not act like they are out there obviously looking for other people. This comes down to body language etc. We can all tell someone who is on the hunt and others who are not. Boyfriends act like boyfriends, and this one is not.

    This man is behaving on the hunt. Commenting on instragram bikini photos of a stranger? Yuck!

    I do believe there is always room to work on your self esteem and communication tools, but this does not sound like that. With that said, I just think you are not a good fit. And asking him to change is going to make you both feel icky.

    #391587 Reply
    Newbie

    I’m really more on lane’s side, i’m only concerned that he made comments in public so soon in the relationship. When it comes to fb and other social media or when you become deeper involved, i really don’t see a problem there. Guys like girls and all assets attached to them. It actually makes me laugh how stupid they are about it.

    #391588 Reply
    R

    Without reading any of the other responses my reaction to the OP is this one.

    I do think you need to relax a little, as well as he needs to tone it down a bit. Getting mad at your bf for ‘liking’ a pic, can be as overdramatic about going in a huff about him fancying a celebrity – its silly, a waste of energy and he’s never going to get her anyway. He does need to be respectful of you, but its ok to find other people attractive so long as he is loyal and true to you – is he ? Does he make you happy? Are you secure in your relationship and trust him? If the answer is no, you’re probably with the wrong guy, or might need to work on your own security before you can be with someone.

    Do you think he would be bothered if you liked another guy’s pics / commented if you thought someone was attractive?

    #391589 Reply
    talllady

    I do not think the liking was a major issue, this guy just sounds like a douche/jacka$$.

    Not harmful, but not a good man.

    There are not a lot of men in their 30’s trolling instagram for bikini picks. Again, not a fatal flaw, but also not the mark of a mature man. And I only want mature men.

    You get what you choose.

    #391590 Reply
    talllady

    You all know I am the first one to get on the “you need to own your own reaction” train, in fact, I built that train. But, I want my women only dating classy men. This one does not seem that way….

    #391591 Reply
    lisa

    I agree with Newbie and Lane on this one.

    My guy will every now and then ‘like’ or ‘comment’ on an Instagram pic of a very attractive model. She has like 200K likes on the pic and over a thousand comments, so why does it bother me so much? It doesn’t really. I follow a bunch of hot model guys and girls on Instagram and I don’t really think anything of it. Is he actively trying to be with her? No. Does my liking a hot guys pic on Instagram mean I’m flirting with him? I don’t think so.

    I have 2 close guy friends that ALWAYS like half-naked girls pictures on Instagram. They are both in fully committed long term relationships and I can NEVER see one of them cheating on their girlfriends. It’s just eye candy.

    I’ve caught myself saying “wow, that girl is really cute” to my bf when we are out to eat or something. It’s because if something is nice to look at, I say it and I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Do I want her to come over to our table and have a drink with us? Absolutely not. I’m just commenting on how pretty she is.

    I’m sure a lot of you disagree and feel its disrespectful. But unless your guy is OBVIOUSLY looking at other girls or gives you any idea that he isn’t into you anymore, I just would try and not let it get to you.

    Other than him liking pictures of girls, is there anything else that he does that you think is disrespectful? I think if a guy is disrespectful in general, he will show it in a lot of different ways.

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