Considering ending friendship


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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Mariota 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #786032 Reply

    Mariota

    Been friends with this woman for 13 years. We worked together. Over the yrs we spent time at least once a week to go out. My husband left me and she was there as a friend to listen and support.

    Nowadays I am starting to feel used by her. Sometimes when I’m talking about my day she cuts me right off & talking about her own stuff. Or when I talk there’s no response.

    Also she doesnt own a car and frequently wants a ride here and there. This past xmas she said “I dont want you to think I’m taking advantage of you” and gave me some money. We also exchanged gifts.

    Lately she is pops up with a text asking me to take pick her up from airport & drive her home, like I’m some free taxi service. This would entail 2 hrs of my time driving, stressful and not to mention how much gas I’m using.

    I told her no and she blocked me from her phone. Haven’t heard from her in 2 weeks.

    Also last mo her father died. She posted it on FB but didn’t text me about. I sent her a text saying I’m sorry to hear of the loss, asking about funeral plans. She was very curt, using one word replies. In fact lately she kind of blows me off my text with sparse replies.

    I feel hurt that I showed I cared about her loss and have 80% of the time drove her around as requested. I don’t feel appreciated.

    I really don’t think we are friends anymore, she’s just using me. By the way, she doesnt have any other friends but me.

    #786034 Reply

    Franny

    My first question is why you’re posting this on a dating message board.

    My next question is why are you still friends with this person? I believe in kindness and you’re likely a thoughtful friend; but it’s not unkind to cut off relationships and friendships that are draining. You’re not a charity, and you have things to do. It’s okay to let this friendship go.

    #786041 Reply

    Raven

    It’s pretty obvious why she has no friends…

    #786042 Reply

    Jo

    It’s hard to be objective after only hearing one side. I suspect her version of events would be very different.

    I wonder if she feels you’ve somehow let her down. Maybe she feels she hasn’t been compensated for the support she gave you when you needed her (I’m not saying she’s right) and feels you should accommodate her demands in return. Maybe she us simply grieving? I’ve found that friendships which arise from imbalance, one person providing support for another in time of temporary need, are often based on a dysfunctional dynamic and don’t survive when normality is restored.

    However, I don’t see the issue here. She doesn’t seem to want to be friends any more and neither do you, so why are you posting? Why not just let it die with a feeling of relief that you will no longer receive her unreasonable demands.

    If you do want to continue the friendship you need to ask her what the problem is.

    #786043 Reply

    Franny

    Jo, that’s a great response.

    There are always two sides, that’s true. This reminded me of a friendship I had that combusted and I realized it was time to let go.

    #786045 Reply

    Mariota

    I have gone above and beyond for the woman. From listening to all her problems, how broke she is to driving her to dr., hospital, for shopping etc.

    I don’t think she considers me a friend because wouldn’t you tell your friend she had a death in the family? It seems odd to me, unless you really dont consider the person as a friend. That’s my take. Curt replies such as “yes” to texts sound dismissive. Every so often it’s not a big deal. However a repeated pattern means she has a problem.

    Sure I could ask if I did something that’s bothering her, but she is extremely defensive about talking openly.

    Due to the length of the relationship, I was trying to avoid making hasty decisions.

    I have other friends so it’s not so drastic to cut the contact way down and not be available as a free taxi service.

    The lack of contact on her part says volumes. Ignoring as punishment.

    #786047 Reply

    Sophia

    I agree with you Mariota, 100%.

    When she comes back after she feels you’ve learned your lesson for being so rude not to play airport taxi, I hope you don’t allow her back in.

    This is your break. Keep it that way!

    #786053 Reply

    lil

    friendships are tricky. The thing is we all have a different idea of what friendship expectations are. We all have different boundaries.

    What is seen as a normal expectation for one, isn’t necessarily seen in the same way by the other person.

    I think you posting here is fine. The pain of a break up of friendship is no different than a romantic one. Some might argue that it feels worse.

    #786054 Reply

    lil

    I also wonder how the no was said in the airport question. If it was a sorry I really can’t pick you up today and you made an excuse or did you just say NO?

    You can say no and give the hint that you are not down for that and still come across as a friend.

    #786070 Reply

    tammy

    I think you should just let it go. and not text her again. if she wants to be your friend, want you in her life, misses you, she will get in touch.

    I had a friend since many years. all she did was crib and crib. she is not interested in what issues the other person may have. its all about how life has dealt her a rough card. we reconnected on her fathers death few months back.

    its still the same story. all she does is crib and crib. so these days I simply tell her to stop when she does that. she’s around and still a friend. I do at tms hear her out and give her suggestions. but I don’t let her go overboard. I meet her when I need company for my outings at times. she uses me to dump her issues and I use her when I need company to do girlie things.

    give and take.

    #786073 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    Sometimes we use the word ‘friend’ quite loosely..A friend isn’t someone to just gossip with,hangout at a bar with,nor is he/she someone to use for financial gain..A friend is someone whose loyal,loving,honest(even if it hurts),understanding,dependable & respectful..Mariota,you have to take some responsibility in the demise of your friendship because you didn’t stand up for yourself imo..When she consistantly cut you off during conversations you should’ve let her know ‘Friend,you’re not the only one with a voice,my words hold value too’..When she told you that she didnt want you to feel used that was your time to let her know that that’s exactly how you felt & you wasn’t going to continue going out of your way to ride her around..I think all of this couldve been voiced after 13 years of friendship..Money should never be an issue because when you have true friends then trust that if you got them, then they have you!!..My question to you is,if the roles were reversed would she go out of her way to take you around?..It’s ok to feel hurt or even a little guilt when losing a friend ,but if you know without doubt that you were a damn good friend to her no matter the circumstances then let her be..Just remember when you fall back,they crawl back..

    #786080 Reply

    Lane

    I know it stings because of the length of time and energy you put into it; however “it takes two to tango” and it appears you’ve always had this unbalanced/lopsided dynamic because you BOTH established it. She’ll text out of the blue, you’ll respond, and the dysfunctional dance will start again because you’re co-dependent and she’s a narcissist.

    #786107 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    A couple responses in this thread were accidentally squished due to an overactive spam filter – sorry about that, everyone! I re-published the comments.

    #786136 Reply

    Mariota

    I agree I didn’t speak up when she cut off my conversations at times. I’m not a fighter by nature. I mean she listens to me sometimes. I try not to make a mountain out of a molehill. My personality is gentle for the most part. The times I have been more vocal about my feelings on something that happened during my day was always met with grave concern on her part. She said I’m quite concerned about you. Like she didn’t approve of me being assertive with my feelings.

    I noticed some abuse too lately. I said it was too much to ask me to pick her up at an airport that takes me 1 hour to drive to. She responded 3 days later with one half word “ok”. It’s odd because she rarely takes that long to reply. It was done on purpose to punish.

    I’m feeling abuse from that woman more and more. It doesn’t feel good. I’m sure she will pop out of the blue with a text like nothing was wrong. When she needs something- like a ride. She has tried to borrow money from me in the past but I never obliged.

    It seems to me she might be either narcisst or someone who has taken me completely for granted.

    I am leaning more towards letting this go. I have other “normal” friends.

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