Confusing signals… or is it me?

What country are you from? Are you American? There can be many cultural differences if you’re dating a European because they don’t have the formal “dating” culture they do in America.

If you are from different countries, you can ask what dating is like where he is to get a better sense of what he sees as “normal.” If it’s very different from yours and you don’t think you can come around to feel comfortable as you get to know him better, then you may simply not be compatible and that’s okay. Don’t assume the worst, that he’s not interested, but pay attention to how you are feeling. The way he shows interest may not be a good fit for what you’re looking for.

I have another queustion…i will be out of state for the next month. I’ve told him he can text and call whenever, And he said okay and for me to keep in touch as well. I just think, based off his lack of interest in long term stuff, and he’s not a phone or social media person… but I’ve seen him active on the dating app, that he won’t keep in touch as much as id like him to. How do i handle this? Do i text him first? Do i not text at all? We’ve been talking for two months and he initiated like 90% of the texts, and asked to meet 8 out of the 10 times…

I want him to want to keep in touch but I’m just nervous and anxious that he won’t, and i don’t know how to act or what else to do…

“I want him to want to keep in touch”

Unfortunately, it’s out of your control what other people want and how they act. That’s where establishing trust and compatibility over time help build the foundation for a stable relationship. It sounds like you’re refraining from reaching out and counting his contact to validate yourself and quiet anxiety. Are you talking to your therapist at all about having an anxious (or fearful avoidant) insecure attachment style?

I agree that taking it upon yourself to call to manage your own anxiety doesn’t help establish anything really and also starts to force things. But never calling because you’re guessing at what he wants and trying to seem like a “cool girl” to be whatever you’re assuming it is that he wants is also not healthy.

Thanks Maddie & Ss,
I appreciate your words of advice.

To answer the questions, yes, i am talking to my therapist about my anxieties and how they’re based off some things that happened in childhood and how i need to center myself… it’s helping somewhat. The therapist said she wants me to learn to slowly get to know him or men…slowly, bc apparently i might be rushing to be chosen by him or any man im attracted to…i think you touched on this Ss.

Ss, sometimes i also wonder to myself why i like this guy. i don’t think its ego as much as its wanting a man to choose me and my whole need for love since it’s always been so deprived growing up in my family. It just feels so great that it’s like i get blinded whether i like the guy, or just feel like I’ll take any guy. Now to be fair, i do enjoy being around him. I’m attracted to him. He’s intelligent, interesting, a gentlemen, thoughtful, attentive, asks me what id like to do, is eager to carry everything for me or get anything for me that would make me more comfortable when we’re together… the small things he does are very amazing and i really appreciate it. Ialso like how safe i feel in his arms. I haven’t felt that with the other men I’ve met from OLD. Our fascination and comments on life are also similar… our cynicism, our opinions.. so to be fair, there are commonalities and i enjoy this with him, but yes, the awkwardness… I’m trying to decipher if it’s him/me feeding off my/his energy or if it’s just one of us (whether he even interested) , and i really want to get out of my own way so that I’m able to see who is making this weird lol maybe it’s the combo of us.

I do have catastrophic thinking and anxiety of a man rejecting me. I know we all do, but my anxieties cause me to waste the whole day thinking about him instead of tending to the really important things in my life.. even my hobbies that i like. I really need to tend to those more. That would probably help me. I think this month will be a good time to see how he responds… if at all…ufff..i really hope he does.

I do want to know, though, should i initiate at all even tho he does most of the initiating ? I told myself that I’d come from a genuine place of interest if i want to text him, not when i need validation or attention or am anxious n need to see if he responds to me, bc i don’t want to play games. I really like him and i do want to get to know him better. I just want to be sure it’s mutual so that’s why i don’t initiate. At first, it was because i tried to follow the courting rules of leaning back to see if he wants to pursue me, which he did, but then something happened midway so i don’t know what to do… he tells me i should text him too, so i don’t want to have him do all the work again. I do think it shud be semi equal at this point? Or am i wrong? I think his dating culture is all about equality and in basically making him do all the work.. not making him, but sitting back and just responding happily when he asks me out.

Also, those awkwardness… what are those? My job is communications so i am literally a comms expert, and very good at it, and believe me when i say that i don’t have a problem making ppl feel comfortable around me so that they open up, but this guy…i don’t know. I don’t have enough to experience if it’s compatibility or something that I’m bringing in to make it awkward bc i like him so much and am insecure bc he hasn’t told me he likes me. I’ve never dated someone who is not this communicative…hmm, i wonder if this will just be a dead end. I’m really hoping not but maybe it’s 4 the best. I mean, how long am i supposed to keep trying? ,

I do like the advice tho to see if he initiates. I think ill lean back since last week i was the one who initiated all the texts and asked him to meet… it just feels like i forced him to meet me…idk..i feel like he should have asked me to hang out since i was leaving and i feel like that tells me he not into me…see?… catastrophic thinking lol

Thank you both. I think having these answers kind of keeps me sane in knowing that others are in it with me, so to say. I don’t feel as lonely and it makes me feel more reassured when i get it out and hv ppl who don’t know me provide outside perspective… thank you both so much! I’m going to keep this chain updated as needed lol i think I’m learning already

He text me this evening to see if i had left the state yet. I text him back telling him where i was, and we text back and forth a Couple texts each… no flirting but more like saying hi, checking in, that sort of thing. I wished him luck on his project And he thanked me, and that was that. He’s def not a flirt lol and i am ok with it at this point while we get to know each other. I like that he text me at least…i just wish we had more substance to talk about but i guess at this early in the game…2 months… it might be difficult…

Ewa, if this is true about him, then you have no idea how much confusion that has cleared up for me… seriously. Here i am, wondering… we seem to be having a great time together, but then there have been no compliments, no flirting, no flirty texts, etc… unfortunately, every man I’ve been on dates with in my life has been flirty and complimentary (well, i guess look how that played out lol) so in American culture, if you’re not complimentary, flirty, more “open”, sometimes that can be taken as a lack of interest. So I’m left wondering… Does he like me? Is he interested? Am i boring? And, if he’s not interested, why does he keep asking me out?

And because of this misunderstanding, perhaps?, i feel like i may have pulled back from him or just had a sort of frustrated energy around him, and I’ve also responded with a frustrated energy in text responses to him.

We have hung out like once a week. I’m pretty sure i have been the culprit when he asked to hang out more than once a week and i pulled back bc of all of this other confusion. But now it may be making sense since i am noticing that he is reserved with me, but not with strangers lol.

Do they ever open up? I’m laughing but I’m wondering if this is who he is for life? Or if this is just him in the dating phase? Now it makes sense that he so loud and boisterous and fun around his friends and in his photos.

I feel like i need a lesson in dating German men. This doesn’t make me want to stop dating him… it does make me feel a little better, actually… maybe i just need to keep working on myself so i don’t obsess.

Thanks so much Ewa!

“i just wish we had more substance to talk about but i guess at this early in the game…2 months… it might be difficult…”

After two months of dating you should have LOADS to talk about, if you’re with a guy you click with. At two months of dating you are in the honeymoon period, if you’re with the right guy!

Seriously, I’m thinking back to my previous relationships with guys all over the world (Europe, Latin America), and my current relationship with my bf (who is American, lol)– no matter where the guy was from, if we were still dating and things were going well after 2 months, we had *plenty* to talk about. I hate to be a debbie downer but like I said, dating should not be a struggle– if you are finding it awkward and hard to find substantive topics of conversation after 2 months, it’s not gonna work out with this guy.

Maddie has excellent advice as always!

You said you’re both 40. What are your relationship histories– have either of you been married before? Or engaged, or other very serious relationships? You didn’t mention children so I assume neither of you have kids?

Sorry. I have tried posting but for some reason it wasn’t taking…ok let’s try this again.

Liz and Maddie,
I had written a thank you to you both but didn’t see it published. So thank you 4 your great words! I feel like i should really think about why I’m dating this guy. So much to say but i think ill take this month to clear my mind and really figure out my needs n requirements and if this is working or I’m in my own way with my anxiety.

Liz, he has had a serious relationship that ended about 5 years ago where they were wanting to be married but he moved to the US And the long distance eventually ended their relationship. When i had asked about it, it seemed like he was a bit frustrated with her asking him to do everything. He ended up flying out to see her in europe once a month for a year for the entire last year before they both decided it wasn’t working. She wanted more And he said he wanted to wait to finish his postgrad work. Since then, hes only had shorter relationships.

My last serious relationship ended in 2016. It was also 3 years. We weren’t compatible and the signs were there on day 1 and i didn’t listen, which is not shocking. Ufff

No children for both. Both never married before.

Hi Liz,
Im pretty sure he is still on the apps, but i disconnected with him a while ago so im not positive. he was when i was still connected with him.
i dont think i would feel comfortable being exclusive with a man after 2 months, regardless… i do think we should have discussed something, esp since were not in our 20s, but nope. only bc we’re also both seriously busy in our jobs. we both work like 12 hours a day, and now ive left the state to respond in another state and will be gone a month UGH

i do agree with all of you here…heck, id be saying the same thing to a friend… “girrrl, how is this many dating you two months and he hasnt raised any questions about wanting to be exclusive with you? screw that little boy!” lol

so i see your point…emotions are a strong thing. i have to say, though, being out of state makes me less anxious since its like out of sight, out of mind. he hasnt contacted me in 3 days, and even if he does contact me….i mean, his texts are just so lame and boring LOL lets just be honest. sometimes im too bored to respond to him, but i do to be nice. lol

i like him but i feel hes either holding back, or isnt as interested and may just be responding out of being bored as well. oh well. now that were not forced to hang out, lets see what happens.

im moving forward, and after a month (will have a couple of sessions with my therapist to discuss these things) ill better understand whether its me or not.

man, love is so hard, and if its not supposed to be, thats really hard to understand as well bc ive never seen love not be hard…from my upbringing, family, etc…

thanks all! ill keep in touch. :)

If you feel he’s boring, and that you’re “forced” to hang out with him, why are you even bothering with this guy? Something to think about!

Maddie is 100% correct that a relationship isn’t hard when you’re mentally healthy, and with someone you are compatible with. You will have challenging moments, of course. But as a general rule, a relationship should flow easily. It should feel comfortable. It should enhance your life. It should not make you feel anxious, or frustrated, or bored. Those are all signs that either the person isn’t right for you, or you need to work on yourself– or perhaps both those things! Good for you for doing the work and pursuing things with your therapist.

Well… he hasn’t text since Monday… unbelievable! And the guy i only met once has already text twice…freaking unbelievable!