Confused and not sure what has happened


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  • #676916 Reply
    Flower

    His silence speaks volumes..I wouldn’t make a move..try and distance yourself from the situation, emotions aside. What you have is a guy, who profited of a situation that didn’t engage him to nothing, there you have your no label. He knows he got you cheap. And you never said anything, you were happy like that. Low value. That is something that men deeply hate. Sure, they take it, when offered for free (no hassle, cool girl👍🏻) but does that make them see you as high value woman and does that make them fall in love deeply? There you have your difference between a woman they take as temporary and a woman they know they shouldn’t lose. Now he treated you poorly..but his ignoring you and lack of reaction puts you in an emotional train and makes you question yourself, makes you feel like you should apologize for something you didn’t even do! Don’t fall for it! You ll deeply regret it..I mean you work with guy, your very work post and performance is at stake! Now it’s done, and you have to act professionally. At least in the workplace. Not nice and happy, but like you ve always did and treat him like you would any other college. You are desperate cause he didn’t react like you d expect he would..you ve made a scenario in your head of how he might react and prepared in your head how you d react to that, only, he didn’t react as expected, and so you didn’t do yourself a favor by expecting and thinking about it. So do yourself a favor and do better next time, i e, don’t expect anything, not positive, not negative. And like some said, enough of the nice girl that lets everyone step on her in hope of avoiding conflict! If anything, take this as a lesson of how not to do things. Happy new year

    #676924 Reply
    Tris

    I would confront him (in person, not by text) and ask him why he decided to act like you didn’t exist. He’d most likely give a very lame answer, or nothing at all, so afterwards I’d tell him he was a jerk and I would walk away, not wasting my mind or tears on him anymore. If he had some really good excuse, I might skip “you’re a jerk” part but I still wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him ever again. But this is not really an advice, just saying what I’d do, lol.

    #676926 Reply
    AIda

    I’m really sorry, I would be devastated too.

    You did nothing wrong. I understand you’re hurt, but you need to be angry. He misled you by telling you he loved you and he’s treated you horribly. Can you summon up some anger? Some indignation for being treated this way? Imagine how you would feel if a good friend were going through this…can you feel that way for yourself?

    Even if it doesn’t come naturally, try, because that’s the healthy reaction.

    As far as how to proceed, you need to know what your end goal is in order to know what to do next. What do you want to achieve?

    #676936 Reply
    Jilly

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.

    I don’t think I was easy or acted like I didn’t have respect for myself maybe I was naive but I spent months letting him show interest and pursuing me for lack of a better word before allowing myself to have feelings. I truly thought I was being sensible by waiting until I was sure he loved me and he had not only said it but acted like it too. I was so guarded at the beginning but then after the months of him being amazing I truly fell for him but I thought we were on the same page. He certainly spoke like we were.

    Thanks aida for saying you would be devastated too. I can’t quite get my head around it I think I am in shock a little bit or something because I just truly don’t get what’s going on. It’s not like we had sex and then he disappeared like the chase was over. We have been sleeping together for months and he has been telling me He loved me for longer and spending so much time together right up to before the holidays.

    He always seemed so happy and loving when we were togehter as well.. if anything right before this happened things were better and more intense than ever before.

    I have always been professional and only close friends in the workplace are aware of the relationship so I would never jeopardise either of our careers by bringing it in to the workplace. Regardless of what he has done he is a colleague so I will always have to be kind and courteous because of that.

    I want to feel angry but at the moment I cant seem to get past disbelief and sadness. I am extremely angry at myself but I’m not quite sure what I’ve done wrong so I don’t know how to fix it which is frustrating. I also know there is probably nothing I can do if he obviously decided he doesn’t want me anymore.

    I don’t know if I should talk to him or if I should just pretend to be strong and act like it hasn’t affected me. I’m just really confused and sad and unsure of myself. It’s quite hard to explain.

    My end goal is I want him to go back to loving me but I’m starting to think even if a miracle happened and he did how can you get past sometjing like this? I would never treat another person this way.

    #676937 Reply
    Lane

    First off, this is why you keep your professional and personal life separate! I have never a seen one go well when they work directly with each other. There have been about two successful married couples but they were in completely different departments (buildings or floors) that had nothing to do with each other so they were able keep their work and married life separate, other than carpooling or grabbing lunch occasionally. This is over the span of 35 years and WHY I implemented a strict ‘no work dating policy” and have held to it because this kind of scenario that eventually disrupts the workplace (chatter, sides are taken, etc).

    Second, I think there was much more to what occurred with that other female that you think there is. When a man ‘calls you out’ it means you struck a deep nerve and he saw you in different light. I think it was definitely on his mind and he was no longer missing you enough to reach out. I’ve had these types of pull backs when I was reassessing my feelings about someone and if I don’t miss then enough or no longer have that ‘loving feeling’ I detach from them.

    Lastly, I would write a note “can we talk over coffee after work?” and see if he’d be willing to discuss why he’s gone cold on you. You really have nothing to lose and it would be bet to clear the air because you still have to work together.

    #676938 Reply
    Jilly

    Sorry for going on a bit, it is really helpful to be able to say what I’m thinking. For the exact reason of staying professional and us working together there aren’t a lot of people I can talk to about this as we share so many colleagues, friends etc

    #676940 Reply
    Jilly

    Thanks for the advice lane I appreciate it.

    Do you think then that he developed feelings for the other girl?

    #676941 Reply
    H

    I personally think you NOT saying something makes you look weak. You did nothing wrong so stop thinking that. Just text him and ask if you can talk later – there is clearly some kind of awkwardness and tension between you two and that if he’s over you whatever but you can’t let it get weird at work.

    Acting calm and collected – that ship has sailed. Please don’t let him think he can treat you like you don’t matter and you will just let it go

    #676948 Reply
    Lane

    No, I think it was the way you acted and talked about her in a negative tone that struck a nerve with him. Jealousy although a natural human emotion needs to be carefully monitored because if left unchecked it can be seen as a very negative trait. Its possible the drama between you and this other woman put a very bad taste in his mouth and his feelings changed.

    I do not like jealous men at all. Its fine if one’s in ‘protective mode’ like a dude trying to hit on you in front of him, however if its based on insecurity, like yours was, then it has a totally different feeling to it, an eeewww kind of one that can definitely turn someone off.

    #676954 Reply
    Jilly

    I understand lane. There are a few issues in the past with my relationship with that girl that have caused me to have insecurities with her. I usually manage to keep them in check through self awareness of my own issues in my relationship with her but it slipped out and I immediately apologised.

    It feels crazy that one slip up could completely derail months of happiness but I guess it’s a lesson. Have you any idea if there is a way to rectify this?

    #676957 Reply
    Aida

    It’s possible he withdrew because of the jealousy incident but it’s possible it was something else–there’s no way to know except by him telling you. It does you no good to try to guess or assume.

    I think at this point you need to clear the air. I’d ask him if you can get together to talk. maybe after work like others suggested, and then just ask what happened between you. It’s best for you not to ask “Was it this? or this?” Just leave it a completely blank slate so he can speak from scratch, from his own perspective. Just say everything seemed great when you left, and now it’s not. Can you please tell me what happened?

    I understand your shock completely. I still do not believe you did anything wrong. One small moment of neediness/jealousy that you immediately explained and apologized for could have possibly turned him off, but after 8 months of everything being great and with someone who loves you…well, you have to be able to be vulnerable with someone. And if that was seriously enough to make him treat you this way and walk, then good riddance.

    The thing is, even when you do everything right, it doesn’t mean everything will turn out alright. People have their own stuff. They have their own issues, they have their own things going on in their lives. Even good people can be flaky or unreliable. Him behaving this way can be all about him.

    So I understand your shock and devastation–I actually feel it for you–but you’ve got to understand you can do everything right sometimes, in relationships and in the world in general–and that’s no guarantee.

    #676959 Reply
    Lane

    At this point there’s nothing for you to rectify, however I would definitely ask him if he’s available to talk as you don’t like the distance and would like to clear the air. Let him be the one to open up and tell you the best way he can as to why his feelings have changed. DO NOT, and I mean DO NOT go into ‘convincing mode’ based on what he say’s as that will surely put him off further because when you do your negating his feelings and that’s not how you want the conversation to go.

    If he brings up the other woman, just be honest that there’s something about her that irks you and shouldn’t have involved him in it….don’t go into length, keep it brief and try to mitigate it. Don’t know what the outcome will be but its gonna make it a hell of a lot harder to move on when he’s constantly there—hence why you need keep your dating and work life separate from hereon!

    #676963 Reply
    Betty

    Men are so cruel sometimes and I’m sorry u are hurt. I think u realize too now why getting involved with co-workers is never a good idea. It sounds like he’s feeling guilty about something. I know what I’d do. I’d be sure to make clear eye contact with him and let him see the hurt in your eyes. If he is cruel enough to continue acting the same way after realizing how hurt u are, then u don’t need him in your life. Men sometimes say things ‘in the moment,’ they don’t always mean. Or it’s possible he loves u in the best way he can, which may not mean forever. Just chalk him up and move on.
    I agree with the others that he owes u an explanation, but u shouldn’t have to drag it out of him. Ignore him.

    #676969 Reply
    peggy

    Jilly,just re-read your O.P. You said he thought you were “perfect” etc. Perhaps he has shallow and unrealistic ideas about relationships and one tiny comment from you was enough to burst his bubble. Maybe he has not the ability to talk and solve issues-an important trait needed in a serious partnership. Just a thought that struck me.
    I would just email him. I would tell him that you are sad,confused and disappointed in his behavior. Then wish him well and moa. Unless he was abducted by aliens over the holidays,with photos from planet X to prove it-I would never trust him/give him the time of day again.

    #676971 Reply
    Shoshannah

    I agree with peggy. He does owe you respect, basic decency is something that anyone you interact with owes you! Let alone him… And a silent treatment can feel like a pure torture. Anyone in your shoes would be shocked. Email or lunch, I don’t know, but I definitely wouldn’t pretend that we’re fine. I would want him to know that I am disappointed and then… bye! you can do it in a classy an elegant way. He sounds immature, cowardly, a bit of an idiot to be honest.

    #676974 Reply
    Emma

    I agree, he “owes” you a great deal, not just basic politeness, but respect and courtesy and consideration. Ghosting on you in this way is very cruel.

    I think you posted about it before, I remember a similar story and you received very similar feedback, what changed?

    He behaved in the worst possible way towards you. Your remarks about some girl are nothing, forget about it. Most women do such things on occasion. This is not the reason to ghost on a person whom you been dating for several months.

    I personally would not even talk to him after this, unless he provides an explanation and apologizes PROFUSELY.

    But some women here think it is totally normal. Well maybe it is normal to them. I pity them, because “owes you nothing” is such a trashy way of thinking of things related to human interactions and relationships.

    People “owe” each other a great deal. Use your own judgement. Do not listen to bitter women whose “norms” are horrible.

    #677010 Reply
    Amy S

    Just pick up the phone and ask him whats up. Hes not a random dude that texted you every now and then hes a boyfriend, colleague and the man that claims to love you. This is terrible behaviour so call him on it. Youre not being uncool you are commanding some respect from the loser. Its not looking good though i think you deserve better than this flake.

    #677011 Reply
    Omg

    I called it the first time. He isn’t a bf. She didn’t push the label. So I agree she can ask what went south, but she never was a gf. And for whatever reason he went cold on her. Just ask him instead of playing these games of looking at each other. So silly.

    #677014 Reply
    MHC

    I’m curious about this “you never were GF/BF therefore he owes you nothing” stuff. In my mind, if a guy I’ve been seeing for several months says he loves me, then he is definitely my boyfriend whether it has been officially stated or not. Surely if he can say he loves you and treat you in this horrible way, then he could also just as easily have called you his girlfriend and done the same – I don’t understand how one is somehow more binding than the other. How did he refer to you when introducing you to family and friends while you were together?

    #677034 Reply
    Amanda

    Well this guy attempts to ghost you even when you work together after saying he was in love with you and you are dating for 8 months. This guy is beyond scum. I would try my best to get over him and be glad that you found out about his character now rather than later

    #677148 Reply
    T from NY

    I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound condescending about all advice you’ve already received or you asking for advice in the first place but sometimes I feel like screaming at these posts and asking — where the hell is all the common sense?? I mean listen, with love and relationships and men, there are no full proof absolutes. No wrong or rights when it comes to expressing needs! Sure there are guidelines to human communication and based on gender it is advantageous to learn a man’s ‘language’ to facilitate the most efficient understanding…

    But dear lord the one thing a man does understand and does speak is the language of respect!! This dude knows EXACTLY what he’s doing which is ghosting you right in front of your face! It’s incredibly cruel and beyond disrespectful. And please!! Do not for a minute blame yourself for the disagreement or showing of jealousy involving that other girl! Come on! A man who loves you and wanted to be with you would go out of his way to reassure you that it’s nothing. This man CLEARLY was using you and I do not say that lightly. You did yourself no favors for allowing the relationship to be un-labeled so to speak but whoever posted that if a man is telling you he loves you, texting you all the time and spending his time with you is right — that you would of course assume you are his gf. (Though for the future — I do not ever recommend assuming anything)

    Bottom line — I would figure out when the hell I could get this guy alone and confront him toot sweet. You acting all easy breezy is communicating to him loud and clear — “Hey you can do whatever you want to me, do a 180 on me and I’ll just act like everything is fine. Go ahead and treat me however you want — I won’t call you on it and you can act with impunity” I say F#*% that!! You know at this point you can never be with him again after how he has treated you. Who cares if you work together? If you are going to have continued interactions I would feel it was even more important for him to know who he is dealing with! You are a grown ass woman who is ALLOWED to have a voice and feelings and needs and a REACTION to his pitiful, cruel actions. This is not a time to worry about saving any dignity. I would argue staying quiet this long has already compromised that.

    Call him out. Tell him how you feel. Don’t care how he acts if he acts cold or disdainful. Say your peace. Let your voice be heard. It is beautiful and loving and you did nothing wrong except let something flow along without questioning it — probably again trying to be the cool girl. Screw the cool girl. Get your needs met. And tell this bastard off. Learn from this and go forward. Wishing you luck.

    #677154 Reply
    Jilly

    I reread everyone’s advice yesterday morning and went in prepared to try and be as true to as much of it as possible.

    I dressed nice again tried to project happiness and calmness… even a guy in his team commented jills you look really happy today which he heard.

    It got an hour or so in and hadn’t heard anything from him so text him “I feel like I’m getting the silent treatment from you and I’m not sure why. Is there something going on” He just said “not at all, everything is fine promise”. I thought am i crazy and have I made this up in my head but then of course I am not he has clearly ignored me for weeks and this is not acceptable behaviour. I text back “shall we have lunch together” thinking it would be better to talk about it then.

    He said sure and was all smiles whenever he walked past me which just confused me. We went off to lunch and he was friendly. I wasn’t sure how to broach how hurt i was so was just engaging in normal talk about the holidays etc When we were away from the office he went to put his arm around me and said “I really missed you”. (This is where I think I started to do everything wrong). I pulled away and he was like “whats going on why cant i touch you.. oh ok give me the cold shoulder”. I was quite angry and said “are you joking how can you say that about me after no contact from you for weeks” and “did you really miss me because you haven’t spoken to me the entire time and it was incredibly hurtful to me. Not even to say happy Christmas. Then you completely ignored me yesterday”. He said he was so busy over the holidays that he didn’t text or call because it would have been one text here no response one text there no response as he was so busy. He then said I didn’t text him either so how can i be upset. He also said he was tired and grumpy yesterday and didn’t speak to anyone and I should know he withdraws when he is like this.

    He begged me for a cuddle and said he missed me again and when I was still reluctant he said don’t be like this because of yesterday. I said I had really missed him and it was horrible not talking and it wasn’t just yesterday it was the whole thing. I said I don’t need to be involved or spend time with people who aren’t interested in being there. He just said I was being silly.

    He started saying how gorgeous I looked. He said my body looked amazing in my dress but then again I always look amazing and he always thinks I’m gorgeous so no suprise blah blah blah. In hindsight he was just trying sweet talking his way out of it but at the time It kind of just completely threw me. I know I was doing everything wrong but I was just happy to spend time with him that we just started talking and it seemed nice again. I was so unhappy it was just nice to spend time together which I know is wrong and I should have been stronger and made sure we sorted it out there and then.

    He is away this weekend visiting the other side of his family he didn’t see over the holidays but as I am sure everyone can expect he hasn’t text or called (to be honest he is more of a texter than a caller) since. I am so confused I pretty much gave him the option to get out of jail fairly scott free when I said I don’t need to spend time with people who aren’t interested but he didn’t take it. He is still not really talking to me but then he was trying to be affectionate and sweet talking when we were together. I just don’t understand.

    3 weeks ago as an example we couldn’t spend an evening together we were both free due to childcare issues and so we talked for 6 straight hours until 1 in the morning. The next day at work I was obviously really tired and he spent all day looking after me and just being extra loving and sweet… It was after this that everything went wrong really.. He went away for a family funeral, came back for a few days in which the incident with the girl happened and then was away again until this week. I don’t understand what I have done to make him go so cold on me. I don’t know what to do. I know a lot of people will say I have done this to myself and I deserve what I get and I know it didn’t go as planned. I am not making excuses but I am so in love with this person and this was so unexpected it has absolutely shaken me.

    #677156 Reply
    Hannah

    I’m so sorry Jilly. If a man told me he loved me, there’s no way I’d expect this treatment from him. You weren’t FWBs. It was more than that.

    I can’t tell you why but he’s definitely lost interest. He’s being a coward and not telling you to your face. He’ll keep being nice and friendly not to cause any issues at work, but he won’t make an effort to see you. He wants you to get fed up and start ignoring him too.

    I hate to hurt you but you must know a man who loves you doesn’t treat you this way. They want to spend time with You, they want to know how you are.

    My friend’s girlfriend was in a car accident yesterday. Although she’s fine, he’s cancelled all his plans to be with her. He feels terrible he let her drive home alone and feels like the worst boyfriend ever, even though it was no way his fault. Now think of your man and what would happen if you told him you were in an accident?

    Maybe he did really like you for a while but he isn’t acting in a loving way at all now is he? You need to let go.

    You also need to stop blaming yourself! You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s just not the right man for you. Do you blame yourself if it rains? (I hope not!) But in the same way, people’s feelings change and it’s not your fault. Or maybe he acted like he cared more than he did and is now showing his true colours.

    Either way, it’s very painful for you. There’s no point contacting him again or asking to see him, asking questions etc. You made a move, he talked about you being gorgeous and missing you (no talk of love, just physical apprearance), and since he’s made no effort to contact you. That says it all doesn’t it? It isn’t your fault and I know it hurts but he’s lost interest.

    I also know you love him but look at how he’s treated you. He is not a nice man. In fact he’s an a*s*hole. Nice men do not tell a woman they love her and then just ignore her when they’re done. You need to start seeing him for what he is. Time to get angry!

    #677158 Reply
    Jilly

    Thank you Hannah mostly for saying you don’t think it was just fwb because it felt so much more than that and it makes me feel less stupid for thinking that too.

    It’s really hard to not blame myself because I must have done something wrong to cause him to lose interest or he would still be crazy about me. If he still thinks I’m gorgeous it’s obviously not the physical side of things (And we have really amazing sex) know not everyone thinks im beautiful im not conceited but i obviously tick the right boxes for him looks wise. So if it isn’t that it must be my personality i guess or something I have done but I don’t know why because we always have fun and I’m always sweet and kind with him. It’s not like we have lots of arguments, I’m not demanding or needy.. I feel an idiot for thinking now but I thought we were completely right for each other and saw a future maybe somewhere down the line.

    I just want to know what went wrong so I can try and fix it but I guess I cant. If it is someone else I don’t understand how you can just instantly forget your feelings for someone you are with and close to because you have an idea you might like someone else? It seems so bizarre to me.

    Also why would he not just say? Why even bring up missing me if he didn’t? I know you are right and he has lost interest but I just don’t want it to be true.

    Would it hurt to say something like  “it feels like you have lost interest in the relationship and want it to end.. if this is the case please can you just be open about it so we know where we stand and can move on?” Or something similar?

    If I don’t contact him again how do I behave at work? Just happy and like I don’t care? I would always be professional but do I just completely ignore him aside from that? I don’t want to act mean or dramatic..

    I am just heartbroken I wasn’t enough for him…  I don’t know what else I could have done to have made it better. I am not perfect but I really put my all in to it and making him happy. Is there a way of rekindling his interest?

    Thank you for all of your advice everyone I really appreciate it. An outside perspective is really useful and I appreciate all of your support.

    #677159 Reply
    Hannah

    Jilly, this isn’t your fault. The man is an as*. Sometimes it can take time for someone to show their true colours. My ex started being abusive after 18 months for example. It wasn’t my fault. It turns out he did that to other women too.

    I bet if you knew his exes he’s done this before.

    He just doesn’t have the guts to end something.

    You don’t have to have done anything wrong. He may have changed his mind, he may have led you on or he may be a psycho. I can’t tell you that. But please don’t blame yourself. He is not a nice man. No nice man would treat you like this would he?

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