Confused!


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This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 1 month ago.

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  • #869622 Reply

    Jane

    We met 2 months ago and everything is going great. We meet twice a week and spend around 5 hours together, and we attend a training course together. We were intimate and fooled around a few times. He told me he likes me on the second date and kissed me, and we talked about our past relationships once. He never mentioned what he is looking for nor did I. Last week we were making out and I stopped him and told him that I feel this is going too fast, and I don’t feel comfortable being this intimate. He respected my will and told me we don’t have to do anything if I am not comfortable. He was silent after that and a few days later, he sent me a quotation saying that “sometimes you feel a connection with a person you only met for a short time, whether because you are sexually attracted, you feel an intellectual connection or maybe you feel comfortable around this person. Let it manifest itself the way it is meant to. We fill so many relationships with our expectations of how things should be not allowing the relationship to evolve as it is”. What also bothers me is that he only texts to make plans. Is this a red flag or am I overthinking?

    #869670 Reply

    Newbie

    I think you know you are in limbo and tried to clear that up with the withholding sex which led to more awkwardness with his quote. I think in the future its wiser to know what someone is looking for for both parties. You cant just ignore that. Now you know nothing. You dont even know if he is having sex with soneone else on other days of the week.
    All in all i think your gut made you stop this. To me he is not acting like a man in love, and its 2 months now so he knows. All you got was a weird quote. Which to me sounds like a soothing quote like: we are not in a hurry to explore this.
    The texting is not something i should read into. But i think its time for the talk and if you already had sex you can at least express the wish to be sexually exclusive while you get to know each other better

    #869687 Reply

    Raven

    Never ever tell a guy to slow down… Telling a guy to slow down, means you’re not interested.

    You just take a step back & re-pace…

    #869767 Reply

    Lane

    It appears as if he’s sending out a ‘smoke signal’ that he’s still interested in getting to know you but its too early for him to know if its based on lust (sexual), or infatuation (emotional & sexual), or signs of love. He’s missing you, thinking of you, and feels very comfortable around you which is a good sign but he still doesn’t know yet. Its highly possible he has never experienced “love” before, and mistook it for lust/infatuation, which is very common in the early stages, and why he asking for more time to sort his feelings out, organically without any pressure or expectations it will be, one or another. That’s my take on it.

    Men are more practical than women. They are the “action” orientated specie, so they will make plans via text, as that has become the primary form of communication your generation uses, and relies on today. When a man keeps making plans to see you, that is a good thing. :o)

    Its good your setting boundaries, especially when a man is unsure, so I would maintain those boundaries until he sorts it out. Kissing, and heavy petting is fine because a man who is falling in love wouldn’t push for the sex (aka “lust”), as the emotional connection is much stronger, its what’s driving him to be with you, and that’s the best pathway to love.

    #880192 Reply

    Jane

    Hi, I am the original writrr of the post.

    It was difficult for us to meet the next 10 days and he didn’t text me much in between. We met later and it was a nice evening, then he disappeared for around a week.

    I saw him later at the training course we are taking together and I totally ignored him. I couldn’t deal with him and I even left without saying bye. He then followed me and asked what was wrong and if I was doing that on purpose and I told him no, he said it’s been a long time since we met and we should go out soon.

    The next day, he sent me a message asking what I was planning to do and I told him I was busy that day. He asked me out two days later and we met, while we were making out he asked me if I missed him and why I dont contact him. He is the one initiating almost all the time. I told him it’s you who disappears and he asked me how often I’d like him to contact me because he wants to give me space.

    The next day he invited me to a trip with a group and it was fun. The day after, we met at the training course and I asked him to join me and my friends later in the evening to watch a play and he came.

    Today, he invited me to an interfaith encounter that he organized, I went and it was a nice evening. He was in a hurry at the end as he is attending a Salsa class and he was very late. So he said goodbye to the whole group and invited all of us to join the salsa class.

    I actually expected that he would say bye to me alone and ask me to join him in person as he once asked me and I was busy. I even saw him when I was leaving at the main gate and he said he is sorry he has to leave.

    I feel that he treats me differently as if we wre only friends when we are around other people, as he did the same on the day on the trip as well.

    Shall I ignore what happened today or shall I tell him that it would have been nice if he would have said bye before leaving? I don’t want to seem needy, but I felt that what he did today wasn’t nice.

    #880210 Reply

    Raven

    Stating your needs is not needy…

    You understand that you are not the only girl he is seeing …?

    #880247 Reply

    Jane

    I forgot to mention that I asked him if he is seeing other women, and he said he hangs out with female friends but nothing intimate.. and we agreed to be suxually exclusive..

    #880281 Reply

    Raven

    You are spot on, “ I feel that he treats me differently as if we wre only friends when we are around other people, as he did the same on the day on the trip as well.”

    That message is pretty clear… Is this what you want?

    #880541 Reply

    Sophia

    There’s a reason he doesn’t want it to appear like you’re a couple in public.

    #919982 Reply

    Jane

    Hi, I am the original writer of the post.

    It’s been 3 months since my last reply. I met with the guy every other day during the first 2 weeks of June. The last time we met, we went on a hike. Afterward, I had very bad back and sciatica pain for almost a month, and it turned out later I had a herniated disc and had Discectomy surgery in July.

    The guy was silent for a few days after the last time we met, then a few days later we met in the training course we were attending together, and I left earlier. He texted me that evening asking how I was doing as we didn’t have the chance to talk during the course. I told him I was fine, but have bad back pain, and he wished me a quick recovery. He was silent for a week after that, and by then I decided that I don’t want to continue seeing him and put boundaries, as he knew I was not feeling well and he didn’t care or show support.

    We met the next week at the training course and I totally ignored him, he tried to talk to me during the breaks, and we talked for a minute, then I used to apologize and do something else. In July, I didn’t attend the training course as I couldn’t walk and later had surgery, and he texted every week to ask if there was anything wrong and to see how I was doing, sometimes I used to answer that I was fine or replied briefly and other times I totally ignored his messages. I didn’t mention that I had severe pain and had surgery.

    I was back to the training course at the end of August, and he asked how I was doing and why I disappeared, I mentioned that I had back surgery and he said he was sorry and asked how I was doing now, we talked for a minute then I apologized and said I had to make a phone call and left that day without saying bye.

    A few days later, I learned from a friend that he got engaged to a woman he probably met at the end of May or in the beginning of June!! His fiancee is the sister of my friend’s friend, and my friend was at his engagement party!

    The day after his engagement party was the last day of the course, and he stopped me while we were leaving and asked if I would like to meet to discuss some potential work, and asked again why I keep disappearing, I said that I was busy.

    He still texts me between now and then, and sometimes sends me funny videos. He didn’t announce that he is engaged on social media, though he is usually active. I even saw him the other day while I was out for a walk with a friend, and he stopped me and wanted to talk, and mentioned that he was going to a dance class and invited me to join him, but I apologized!

    I am not sure how to deal with him, or if I should cut contact as I know him from work too, and he might come to the office where I work sometimes.

    #920004 Reply

    Raven

    Ask him, “What would your fiancé sayid she knew you were texting me…”

    #920007 Reply

    Maddie

    Next time he reaches out, congratulate him on the engagement. Followed by a sentence telling him that with your history together, since he has a fiancee, you don’t feel comfortable keeping in touch outside of work. Wish him luck and tell him you’ll see him around (since it sounds like you can’t avoid it, between the course and work). And then go no contact, may as well block him totally, except when you see him in person and can’t ignore him. You’ve already been blowing him off politely in person, that’s probably good enough to continue doing. He’s really not worth your time or brain space to keep feeling like you need to wrestle with this. You don’t owe him anything. And it’s bizarre he tries to hide all the women he’s hooking up with / dating / engaged to, sounds like bad news.

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