Confused


This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Elvira 1 month ago.

Viewing 22 posts - 1 through 22 (of 22 total)
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  • #846867 Reply

    Libby

    I have been seeing this guy for a while now. A while is 8 months. He is the one who asked me out and I liked him a lot and so we went on a few dates. He tells me that he likes me whenever he gets a chance. He wanted to take things slow and I was perfectly fine with it because this is my first relationship too. There has been absolutely zero physical contact between us except for the slight unconscious pats and touches. Last week, when we were in university. I grabbed his hand to talk to him and he quickly took it away like I had scared him. There has been no other problems. But I am not able to forget or understand why he pulled away. Am I overthinking? Because he has been behaving as usual after that. I want to know why he did that though..

    #846923 Reply

    Newbie

    Wow, this guy gives a new definition of taking it slow. 8 months and he cant even bare you taking his hand?
    Dont you think its time to let this one go? He must have issues of some kind so why not let another breadcrumb Florence nightingale lady sort him out and you can check later if he turned out any interesting

    #846952 Reply

    Anderson

    My immediate thought is he has severe intimacy issues. But maybe I should hold that judgment until I know more, especially as this is inexperienced first love and not adult dating

    Not to mention I myself used to be the shyest out of all my friends, esp with my first gf. Physical touch was fine but initiating that first kiss might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done with any girl. Even over a decade later

    Have you two been alone together? eg. each other’s room? Ever casually asked him his reasons to take things slow?

    #846960 Reply

    Raven

    Ask him…

    #846972 Reply

    Libby

    I don’t think you can call him shy. He is extremely outgoing and popular. When he is with guys he has no problem with contact but I have never seen him touch or have any kind of physical contact with any girl. He talks a lot, jokes around and has his fun but I think he has a problem with touching the opposite gender. But what do I do? Should I just outright ask him why he never holds hands? I don’t want to scare him or rush him because I really like him and I think he really likes me too.

    #846976 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I had bf once who was extremely verbally affectionate, and we were very close emotionally. But he was very uninterested in getting physical with me. To the point where I would cry about it, and practically beg him for intimacy/sex. He would always give very convoluted reasons for why he couldn’t/wouldn’t get physical (I’m not just talking about sex– he was also averse to kissing, cuddling, hand holding– basically all the hallmarks of boyfriend/girlfriend physical interactions. He was also very outgoing and popular, you never would have thought he had such deep issues with physical intimacy. It turned out he was gay, and was totally in denial about it. I’m just throwing that out there.

    #846977 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I forgot to add– yes, you should talk to him. Communicate with him. He’s your boyfriend and it’s been 8 months. It’s perfectly okay to say that you would like to have physical intimacy. Hand holding, cuddling, kissing, making out, sex– whatever you want. That’s normal and healthy in a romantic relationship. If he is unable to give that to you, then maybe you should just be friends.

    #846978 Reply

    Elivira

    It seems very odd to me that for 8 months you have no physical contact not a kiss or hug or anything? Could it be he is not interested in a relationship with a woman? I would have a very open non judgmental conversation with him.

    #846979 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    And– when we did have sex, which wasn’t often at all, it was very quick/impersonal. There was practically no foreplay. No kissing or cuddling. He preferred positions where we weren’t face to face (doggy style, reverse cowgirl, etc). Sorry to be so graphic. But yeah, it was a very unsatisfying relationship for me. So I think you should address this issue because if this guy is not able to satisfy you physically, you deserve to move on to someone who can.

    #846980 Reply

    Newbie

    Do you guys talk? And is it any kind of beyond friends? Because a few dates in 8 months, nothing physical whatsoever doesnt look like he is interested in anything romantic. So im not sure asking why he wont hold hands gets you an honest answer. I think you should really stop investing time i this guy

    #846982 Reply

    Newbie

    Liz, i thought about being gay too. But thats something he will probably wont be ready to tell

    #846997 Reply

    Anderson

    It’s possible to be outgoing yet shy with women as a virgin male but I digress. 8 months is ridiculously long and abnormal even for that. I missed this very important detail (!). I agree he could be undecided about his orientation.

    “I would have a very open non judgmental conversation with him.”

    I second this. I’m a firm believer in if someone genuinely likes you, you cant scare them off with a conversation. If they leave or change after the chat, you simply unveiled what was already there.

    #847023 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree Newbie, it’s likely he won’t want to go there (the question of whether he’s gay). My ex never admitted it when we were together, it came out later.

    So I wouldn’t recommend asking this guy if he’s gay. But an open, non judgmental conversation (as has already been said) is definitely in order. If you’re a couple then it’s reasonable to want some level of physical intimacy. So letting him know your needs and asking him what he’d be comfortable doing physically seems like the first step here.

    #847109 Reply

    Libby

    Oh my! I never even considered that. He has always shown interest in girls before (just not physical). Now that this thought has entered my head, I will try having a conversation with him about this. We were friends before we got into a relationship and the interactions have gotten a little different. We talk more, we flirt and hang out more. But since it’s a first for both us, I don’t know how exactly things work. But I haven’t noticed any signs of him liking men. And he comes from a very religious and orthodox family so I always thought that was the reason.

    #847171 Reply

    Lane

    Libby, no secure relationship has communication issues like this. When one is in a safe and secure relationship you are not concerned with asking questions or discussing any topic with your SO.

    It doesn’t sound like you know where you really stand with this guy and why you don’t feel secure with him. For a man to go eight months without ANY physical contact (touch, hand holding, kiss, hug, closeness etc.) is so far outside of the ordinary, I too thought he was gay based on what you wrote lol. I don’t care how orthodox or religious a man is, they couldn’t stop themselves from having physical touch with a lady they adore, cherish, love or in love with—a man who does not would definitely act like this.

    I would definitely get clarity now as being in an insecure or unloving relationship takes a major toll on your self-esteem—no man is ever worth losing that over.

    #847180 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    My ex was also from a religious, traditional family. His parents were so traditional they wanted him to get married & had a girl picked out, be it he refused. He flirted with girls (including me) & showed interest in them. In fact he was extremely popular with girls. He never showed the slightest interest in men. Trust me, it was like being hit over the head with a brick when I found out he was gay. But then everything clicked & all the signs made sense. I think in his case it was really, really deeply repressed.

    Again, I’m not saying this is the case with your guy. You should definitely talk to him, though.

    #847193 Reply

    Newbie

    If he is gay and in hiding you will not find any signs of him liking men. But my main question is for you: why do you call this a relationship (i suppose you mean romantic) and are inclined to hang on to it when the dynamic between you two is as romantic as doing homework for school. I dont see it. If youre in university so outthere in stead of clinging onto iceking Joe.

    #847208 Reply

    AngieBaby

    8 months with no physical contact much less sex…

    4 possibilities: extremely religious so feels guilt/shame/fear about sex outside marriage; has been sexually abused; is gay, asexual or unsure of his sexuality; he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you the way you want to be in a relationship with him.

    Any way you slice it, it’s time for the non-judgmental open conversation as recommended above. You’re wasting time you can’t get back and you’re developing bad habits with men such as going along with whatever he wants to do and accepting crumbs.

    #847388 Reply

    Caetru

    The first thing I thought of, which has already been mentioned, is that he’s gay. I’ve had two gay male friends that I knew before they came out. They were very popular with women and very flirty but not physical. One of them dated a girl who would cry to me because he never wanted to be physically intimate. The second thing I thought was that, if he comes from a super religious family, he may have been taught that intimacy is saved for marriage or that sex is bad. Finally, he could be extremely shy.

    Bottom line, you will never know until you ask him. 8 months is a long time to be in a relationship with no physical contact. Are you sure he wants to be more than friends? Does he call you his girlfriend? Because he is not showing that he wants a romantic relationship.

    #847613 Reply

    tammy

    ask him…this is not normal

    #848644 Reply

    Libby

    I spoke to him. I don’t know what to feel though. First, he apologized for pulling his hand away when I grabbed it and said that he had been surprised by the action. He also said that he meant no harm by that. Then he continued by saying that he was a little uncomfortable about touching girls since he had never done it before. He said that he wanted to do it but couldn’t do it without breaking into a sweat. He also told me that he was raised by his grandmother (he had mentioned that previously) and that he was taught that all physical stuff were after marriage, so he felt shy doing it otherwise. Then I asked him if there was a reason why he was uncomfortable with girls and he said that he didn’t exactly know why. He told me that he was also worried that I would feel uncomfortable if he touched me because this was my first time too. He told me that he liked me a lot and that he was sorry for making me feel this way. When I asked him about his sexuality, he didn’t seem very fazed. He told me that he was straight (with a straight face) And he also held my hands throughout the talk!

    #848652 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi Libby
    It is really great you spoke and it seems you both just need to feel more comfortable with intimacy and talking about it – communication is key.
    I would say this is a good start and if he wants to wait for marriage or not that is something you both can decide together. Good luck!

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