Concerned for best friend and boyfriend


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  • #780565 Reply

    Lilley

    I’m very worried about my friend. She is 26 and her boyfriend is 29. I think she has rose colored glasses on. I’ve voiced some of this to her, but she just gets mad, so I don’t bother anymore to keep our friendship.

    She met him a year ago, August, online. After a month he broke things off claiming he had bad mental health issues and needed help and couldn’t be in a relationship with her.

    I felt bad for him, but I also felt this was an excuse to drop my friend. My friend went all sympathy googly eyed for him clinging as the supportive not girlfriend. I told her she should move on, as he left her and didn’t care about letting her move on.

    I felt he was manipulating her. She worked her way into this weird not committed relationship with him. They went to dinners, they had sex, but he never brought her to anything which would constitute a relationship together and told her so.

    I noticed my friend changing. He was changing her mindset to accept that this was normal. She was convinced this non-relationship was what she wanted.

    This went on from Septmber through February. She found out during that time, he hooked up with his ex. He apparently sells weed to his friends, including his ex, and one night it lead to more. My friend doesn’t smoke and doesn’t like smoking, but says she doesn’t judge him. She should, she’s dating a marijuana dealer. She doesn’t see it that way because he sells to his friends and not strangers. My friend is warped. She found all this out from his ex, who reached out to her to warn her. Apparently he does this in between, we’re not committed but let’s act like we’re in a relationship sometimes with no strings attached bit as he talks to other girls or keeps ex’s around as an option too. His ex claimed he did it to her and other girls before.

    I thought this was horrible. My friend was such a great person and did not deserve to be an option and a booty call.

    In March they got back together in an official relationship. They have been together ever since, it now being December. There’s just something about him deep down that rubs me wrong. He doesn’t post one thing about her on social media.

    They’ve been shopping for rings, so I guess its serious. In less than a year. I feel like she barely knows him. But its her choice.

    He’s apparently going to propose by the end of the year.

    She then tells me last night all this stuff that’s horrible red flags, but she thinks are fine.

    They go to a jeweler. They pick out a ring. Jeweler has a credit card option to pay it off. Sounds fine. But then she tells me how he has bad credit and wouldn’t be approved. So she takes out the card in her name and hands it to him to use and pay for the ring. I would never take out a credit card in my name that I have to pay and hand it to someone with bad credit. I wouldn’t marry someone who couldn’t at least apply and get a credit card. How are they ever going to get a home? He probably sees my friend as his ticket.

    I was appalled. That’s insane. She claims he has bad credit from years and years ago when he had a card, spent foolishly and wasn’t paying.

    That didn’t add up to me. It doesn’t take years and years to build it up. You either pay it off or make regular payments steadily for years and your credit goes up from that. I know, in 6 years mine went up to excellent from low from a few bad payments. I pay regularly and my credit is great.

    The only reason it would be still bad, would be if he’s really not paying still or something recently he did bad again. Huge red flag. I have a feeling she’ll be paying for her ring.

    Another huge red flag. They are going to get engaged and she hasn’t met his family. I know some families are different. But he has a mom and dad and two little siblings. They live in a nice neighborhood. He visits them but never brings her. He preaches to her that they aren’t so nice to him and a year ago they kicked him out.

    I call bull****. He must have done something for them to kick him out. My friend thinks they are just mean people. But her boyfriend still talks to them when he wants, just not with her. She also claims his father angrily texts him…about money. He owes them money.

    Angrily means he probably isn’t paying something he should be.

    But my friend thinks they are just mean people, when in reality it sounds to me like he’s keeping her away from his family so his family doesn’t tell her how he really is, a lying money troubled inmature loser.

    And now his parents don’t like my friend.

    Apparently his parents think my friend is not wanting to meet them and his parents are mad that they are getting engaged and they don’t even know her. I think he’s giving his family the excuse that she doesn’t want to meet them, which isn’t true, and he is playing both sides so they never meet.

    The situation is crazy and I’m so worried about my friend. She thinks he’s this mature love of her life. And thinks he’s a victim in all this. I keep supporting her, but its hard to keep my mouth shut when she keeps telling me things that are horrible red flags. And now she is going to marry the guy.

    #780567 Reply

    Dangerouse

    Haha, that’s funny. When I read the part about ring shopping, I thought to myself, I bet she buys her own ring.

    Next paragraph, she did. You are absolutely right in all your thoughts. But everyone here will tell you, you can’t help her.

    Shes obviously not that bright. She will have to learn the hard way. I hope she doesn’t get pregnant.

    #780569 Reply

    Lane

    As you know there is nothing you can do to convince someone of something they don’t believe or are concerned with.

    You know she’s an adult and can make adult decisions. With that adults make a lot of mistakes and the best way to learn from them is usually the hard way. All you can do at this point is step back, let it unfold and be there with a pint of ice cream and tissues with a “I warned you about him and I hope you learned a lesson from this experience and will listen to me next time.” Then throw in some laughter as that is the best medicine for a heartbreak.

    #780580 Reply

    Laura

    This story sounds familiar – the part about he’s a weed dealer and she doesn’t smoke but says she doesn’t judge. You’ve posted this before, haven’t you.

    All you can do is warn her and then step back and let her make her own choices. I’ve had to walk away from a few friends who were ignoring all good advice and ruining their lives hanging around with the wrong guys. There’s nothing else you can do. She’s being incredibly naive but it’s her life and she can do with it what she wants.

    #781051 Reply

    Lilley

    I’m trying hard to shut my lips. I shake my head nodding with a smile on my face, when in reality, I want to shake her telling her she’s crazy. He’s a ball of bad news. What I don’t like overall, is he uses the mental health thing as a crutch, I think so he gets whatever he wants. He smokes weed, she accepts it because he claims it helps his mental health. Its a Saturday night, I’ll ask her where he is and why they aren’t going out etc… She claims, well some nights he says he just needs to decompress and be alone to clear his head mentally, you know to soothe his anxiety and play video games with his friends.

    I almost laugh out loud at this one. Man, the excuses guys use to make girls let them play video games and do whatever they want anytime they want – just claim mental illness and girls will fawn all over you with sympathy.

    She claims his parents don’t believe he has mental illness and tell him to man up and figure his problems out. That makes me laugh. He most likely doesn’t have mental illness, and they would know as his family. My friend again, thinks they just are mean to him. Like open your eyes, his dad isn’t sending him angry text messages about money because he just doesn’t like him.

    Yes, I posted about this before, I now know the new information about credit card, the engagement, the family drama. I mean she claims, he’ll be paying the credit card bill for the ring. Maybe he will. But truly who before 30 years old has bad credit? Huge red flag.

    He gave her access to his social media. I’ve never had to do that in a relationship. It’s dumb at our age. She finds a message from a woman from January-when they were in their weird non-committal relationship, saying “Treat my sister well”

    When my friend asked him what is was about, he claimed he had no idea. Again, laughable. Someone’s sister reaching out means you were heavily dating someone. I don’t introduce someone to my family on a first, second, third, fourth…date. I told my friend that. She thinks maybe he took a girl out for coffee and they ran into the girl’s sister. She’s delusional and he makes her this way so he can again, do whatever he wants.

    He talks it up too. She claims he tried to get her to get a $9000 ring, but she didn’t want something that expensive. Hah! Yeah imagine her putting that on her credit card and then him not paying. He knew she didn’t want a pricey ring. He was just trying to sound like money bags. She claims that for their wedding, he wants to pay for all family and friends flights to the location. I almost laughed again…oh yeah with his bad credit.

    My friend is delusional.

    Our group of friends went camping a few months ago not his river bank. I couldn’t go. I asked my other friend and her boyfriend about it- a different couple. My friend’s boyfriend – again a different guy, mentioned how weed guy brought a pipe to smoke marijuana in front of everyone, which my friends didn’t like and then they did some water sports and apparently the whole time my girl friend looked miserable dragging him drunk around in the water. But ask her today, they had a fantastic time.

    #781070 Reply

    Honeypie

    All you can do is say regularly that you’re really worried about her and how she justifies his actions and behaviour. That you’re there for here whatever happens and keep that door open for her to come to you, but don’t go along with the story as if it’s ok. Keep reminding her it isn’t and that she’s justifying his wrong doings

    #781074 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah i remember your posts and also the one were you were so bitter about being single. At some point you have to let this go. Its not healthy for you to gather more and more evidence that he is bad news. He clearly is and your friend is stepping in with her eyes wide open. She has been warned enough and like dangerouse said she is obviously not that bright if she is even willing to pay for her own ring.
    I would detach from her, slowly. There is no point in being supportive when there is nothing to support

    #781121 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Mod update: Hi Lilley –

    As some of our other community members have noted, you’ve posted on this forum before, and sometimes you’ve brought up some situations which you’ve discussed with the community before, but under different names. I appreciate that you’ve turned to the community for advice, and I hope your interactions with this community have helped you.

    When you had started participating with this community, things were different around here. Recently, we’ve started tightening-up some of our community guidelines, and that’s why I’m speaking to you now.

    One of the things we’re asking from our community participants is to choose a consistent pseudonym. This will help our community draw-together threads and topics posted by an individual, which is a good thing. Helping the community draw-together your history when asking for advice shows respect for the community’s time and effort spent in replying with their advice.

    My posting here isn’t meant as a call-out, or to cause embarrassment. We’ve have many community members which visit here once or twice a month for years, participating in good faith, and they were just accustomed to using a new name for every topic. That’s in the past; we’re nudging things in this new direction moving forward, and I’ve been leaving similar messages for other community members as I happen to see them.

    Please keep this in mind next time you start a thread. (And, it’s fine if you settle on a new consistent name other than Lilley next time, as long as you make it clear you’ve posted before.)

    Thanks!

    #781125 Reply

    Newbie

    Its good ANM pointed out you are using different names, so for me its more alarming in a sense that you are spending more time picking the bf of a friend apart than making yourself happier. Go venture out, you will meet good people

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