This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Just Passing Through 2 months ago.
January 7, 2020 at 2:14 am #782343
I [India,31F] and my SO [UK,29M] just completed one month together but complications are rearing their heads.
So I’m basically posting what I’ve posted on Reddit. But haven’t received many responses. I’m looking for more perspectives before I take a decision.
A bit of background:
We met through online chat exactly one month back. Within the first few hours of chat, we felt attracted to each other and barely 24 hours had passed that we confessed our love to each other (I know that’s crazy and a giant red flag for most people, but it just happened for us).
He is sweet, caring, and lovable. I have a demanding job and he’s been understanding enough to work things around my schedule. But as much as I love him and want to be with him, there are a few things that are making me clueless. I’d love for all you amazing people here on this sub to help me with your honest advice, insights and suggestions.
He is an introvert — which I initially read as being someone who takes time to open up. For the first three of weeks, he kept a wonderful pace of communication. Though I should also mention here that he’s not comfortable with phone calls (we’ve tried 3-4 times but he mostly remained silent during calls and later apologized for being shy and awkward). He is OK with video calls, though we always mute ourselves and chat via text even while on Skype.
For the first three weeks or so, he would text me multiple times a day, staying up late at night for me, even leaving romantic messages when I’m sleeping or at work and all of that. After which, he’s slowed down to the point where I have to initiate most conversations and even then, he seems unable to communicate in anything more than one-liners.
Now, I completely understand his need for space and alone time. So I’m wondering if this is a ‘recharge’ phase he’s going through as he might have exhausted himself in the first few weeks?
2. His depression
He suffers from depression. I got to know this within 10 days of meeting him when he tried to shut himself down and went into a shell, wanting to cry, feeling useless etc. But even then, he didn’t block me out completely and allowed me to help him out and make him feel better.
Of late, after he has quietened down, I feel he broods more, keeps to himself, and even looks sad. He has problems that he doesn’t share and feels bogged down by them. I want to help but can’t do anything about it. Also because of his introversion, I don’t feel convincing him to talk is a good idea. So I try to leave him on his own and that leads to…
3. My anxiety
I’m a jittery and anxious person esp when it comes to personal relationships and I constantly worry and overthink things. The fact that he doesn’t share his problems with me makes me feel distanced. On telling him this, his answer was “please babe don’t worry. I’ll tell you if there’s something to worry about. Trust me please.” (sic)
I’m not quite convinced because from his actions, it seems like something is bothering him constantly. (Or am I overthinking?)
Sometimes I crave a conversation or just want to ask him about his day, but feel discouraged thinking that I might be stepping on his personal space where he’s seeking refuge or recharging himself. What’s making things worse is, I can’t talk to him about how I’m feeling cause that will probably make him feel worse about himself (I once cried to him about a personal problem and for the next couple of days, he was all down and feeling guilty that he can’t even hug me to make me feel better).
Honestly, I feel extremely attracted and connected to him, love him, and truly hope we can stay together. He feels the same and even the thought of us breaking up makes him all sad and mopey. I’m a bit overwhelmed and clueless as to how to proceed (totally willing to go the extra mile) without compromising the emotional well-being of both of us.
Please feel free to offer your honest advice.
In LDR with an introvert, dealing with a lack of communication and depression. Need advice on how to move forward.January 7, 2020 at 2:36 am #782344
Honestly, you don’t…January 7, 2020 at 3:20 am #782345
This may be a possibility.
Introverts take longer to process information. I think if/when they’re inundated with too much information they tend to withdraw a bit.
Sounds like a good idea.
It would make sense that you would have anxiety over it. You’ll have to work on that.January 7, 2020 at 8:27 am #782350
My boyfriend is an introvert. Its not that he takes time to open up; introverts’ brains process social interaction differently and are more quickly drained by it. In a nutshell, extroverts are energized by social interaction, while introverts are drained by it. But it doesn’t mean they are shy, can’t be social, or can’t open up.
I don’t think your partner’s lack of communication (brooding, refusing to tell you what’s wrong) is due to introversion. In a relationship you should be able to be comfortable asking your partner how their day was without worrying that you’re somehow inconveniencing them.
Here’s the issue I see. You don’t know this person. You haven’t met each other in real life. In fact you don’t even speak on the phone or video chat. Yet you’re already saying you love each other, etc. Real life is completely different from online. So i think you’re setting yourself up for a major disappointment.
What are your long term plans, how do you plan to meet? What do you hope to accomplish (marriage?)January 7, 2020 at 9:28 am #782352
Could his depression be a reason? I mean I’m just trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle: depression, introversion, this being a new relationship…January 7, 2020 at 9:50 am #782355
It could be. The thing is, this is a LOT of emotional work you’re doing for someone you’ve never met, who you’ve only been involved with for a month.
You say you feel very “connected” to him, but at the same time he makes you feel “distanced” and “discouraged” from talking to him. Not to be harsh but maybe you should evaluate whether this relationship is truly meeting your needs. It shouldn’t be all about him, it should be about you too.
You can’t force anyone to communicate. He has to want to meet you halfway. You shouldn’t be struggling to draw him out, especially this early on. The first months of a relationship are supposed to be the “honeymoon period” where everything feels wonderful and effortless. (This is actually a real phenomenon, look it up). Problems and reality don’t hit until later on down the road, but hopefully by that point both people have bonded with each other enough to be able to work through whatever issues arise. And you should also be thinking about when you will meet in person, and what the goal of this relationship is; surely you don’t want to do LDR forever? Is the plan to eventually live together, or at least live in the same country/city?January 7, 2020 at 11:25 am #782360
You’ve been chatting with a guy for a month you’ve never met. Within 24 hours you were telling each other you loved each other. Yes that is CRAZY! I’m sorry, but there is no way this is going to work. How can you even be in a relationship with a man who can’t even speak to you over the phone? You do video calls but on MUTE? You text while you Skype instead of talking? Do you not understand how weird that is? That’s not an introvert that’s socially INEPT. Add to that his depression and the fact he shuts himself off wanting to cry and feeling useless and this man is not fit to carry on a relationship.
You have just listed all the reasons this has no way of working at only a month in. Add to that the fact this lack of communication triggers your anxiety and the fact communication is KEY in any relationship but obviously more so in long distance relationships and please tell me how you see this working out?January 7, 2020 at 11:27 am #782361
You cannot possibly be in love with each other- you are complete strangers and never even met! You’ve built up this whole back story for him based on him being an introvert that excuses him for his poor communication. Its all in your head and not real. I mean you could be right but you dont know because you don’t actually know him at all!
Your feelings and emotions seem very overwhelming and i struggle to see how he has said he loves you when he can’t even speak to you on the phone or a video call.
This is all a bit ridiculous and driven by fantasy in my opinionJanuary 7, 2020 at 2:17 pm #782378
Better off single
As an introvert, I can tell you now he probably savagely criticizes himself often which causes the depression and that makes him a mentally unhealthy introvert. Unless he makes the choice to change it. He’s already triggering your anxiety so if he doesn’t fix his issue, it will only get worse and you will be constantly left unsatisfied. It’s not your job to fix it.
The only way to know if there is a genuine connection is to actually spend time with him where it doesn’t give him time to think of a response and has to immediately respond. The only way to get a true sense of his overall personality is to spend lots of time with him. Even then, a few hours here and there isn’t going to be enough.
Do NOT confuse infatuation with love. It’s a lie. You can be extremely fond of someone especially at first when he is trying to win you over, possibly seeing yourself falling in love in the future if he is being genuine and not using you to escape his feelings, it is not love.
From what you wrote, it seems like he uses you to escape his feelings and boost his ego.January 7, 2020 at 2:19 pm #782379
Better off single
The fact that he is long distance and you have not met is a red flag in itself.January 7, 2020 at 3:44 pm #782387
I think depression is more common in introverts because they tend to self-isolate and are stuck in their own head.
Having said that, you’re not going to have your communication styles all figured out after a month.
Perhaps with time you’ll gain a better understanding and he will be in a better position to express his thoughts and feelings more clearly.January 7, 2020 at 11:27 pm #782400
How hard is to meet someone?? How on Earth will you know if there’s a possibility of a relationship unless you actually meet them- introvert/extrovert/ whatever you want to call yourself. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone reading this. I think people are incredibly afraid of disappointment- they text and think yes this is a great person, text, and text- but you meet them and they are not so great and your fake bubble image is gone. Is this what we are coming to? Shaking my head.March 28, 2020 at 8:14 pm #788414
I wonder if you have solved your problem? Even if you had, perhaps my input may still be helpful to others hence let me share.
Since you mentioned looking for more perspectives before deciding, I would like to share what I would do if it happened to me, please feel free to consider as well. I’m not sure if everyone agrees with putting emotions aside and thinking objectively when it comes to relationship, but for me, I’d see an emotionally unstable premarital partner as not fit to father my children. I’m usually self-sacrificial and able to adapt and tolerate when it’s just me. But when I think about our future children having to tolerate that, it helps me to be less love-blind and more objectively observe a man’s reactions to problems in his life and analyse if he would be a good leader of the family that I am about to build with him. I might break up and help him get out of depression as much as what a friend would do, but not as a wife or lover.
I tolerated my ex boyfriend for many years (he was emotionally unstable too), trying to stick with him eventhough he did not fulfill some of my core requirements for a life partner, because I thought love is tolerating, selfless, unconditional, supportive (but it was actually misguidance by the romanticism painted in novels and movies); because I thought I might not be able to find another guy who not only is at least equally good as my ex but also likes me; because what if all the next guys are worse? One day I found him not suitable to become a father figure and I just snapped, I don’t want to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life, I listed my partner requirements clearly, and then screened the next guy that we mutually liked before we got together. I did screen my ex, but I only kept looking at his good and subconsciously forgiving his flaws.
I’m happier now. I’ve decided that I should be more careful about giving out affection at early stages and be tolerating, selfless, and supportive only after a guy marries me, before that I shall closely observe for flaws and end with the most satisfying decision/life partner. I think love requires some objectivity, we have to objectively analyse if a potential partner is worth investing with our lifetime, next generation, time and money.
Sorry, I’m talkative.
MeliaMarch 28, 2020 at 11:18 pm #788417
Just Passing Through
I am an introvert and I can tell you that we thrive in one-to-one and small group settings. I in particular tend to lead and dominate in these situations.
Now he may well be an introvert but I think that he is hiding something that is why he doesn’t want to talk but prefers texting on Skype. He maybe afraid that he is going to blurt out something, and at least with texting you can always read over and check you haven’t revealed anything you don’t want revealed.
I wouldn’t take anything than men say at face value as men have a tendency to agree with anything women say to them.
For example, you say:’I really don’t want children.’ and he’ll totally agree. however if you say you want children he’ll say:’oh so do I the more the merrier’. Most men have no idea one way or the other if they want children.
have you considered that you maybe asking him too much and he feels that you are prying albeit unconsciously? I don’t think that his level of communication will change for the better. Men are not romantic. or at least not romantic to the frequency and degree that women expect/demand.