Complications in One Month Old LDR

#1

This may be a possibility.

Introverts take longer to process information. I think if/when they’re inundated with too much information they tend to withdraw a bit.

#2

Sounds like a good idea.

#3

It would make sense that you would have anxiety over it. You’ll have to work on that.

Could his depression be a reason? I mean I’m just trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle: depression, introversion, this being a new relationship…

You’ve been chatting with a guy for a month you’ve never met. Within 24 hours you were telling each other you loved each other. Yes that is CRAZY! I’m sorry, but there is no way this is going to work. How can you even be in a relationship with a man who can’t even speak to you over the phone? You do video calls but on MUTE? You text while you Skype instead of talking? Do you not understand how weird that is? That’s not an introvert that’s socially INEPT. Add to that his depression and the fact he shuts himself off wanting to cry and feeling useless and this man is not fit to carry on a relationship.

You have just listed all the reasons this has no way of working at only a month in. Add to that the fact this lack of communication triggers your anxiety and the fact communication is KEY in any relationship but obviously more so in long distance relationships and please tell me how you see this working out?

As an introvert, I can tell you now he probably savagely criticizes himself often which causes the depression and that makes him a mentally unhealthy introvert. Unless he makes the choice to change it. He’s already triggering your anxiety so if he doesn’t fix his issue, it will only get worse and you will be constantly left unsatisfied. It’s not your job to fix it.

The only way to know if there is a genuine connection is to actually spend time with him where it doesn’t give him time to think of a response and has to immediately respond. The only way to get a true sense of his overall personality is to spend lots of time with him. Even then, a few hours here and there isn’t going to be enough.

Do NOT confuse infatuation with love. It’s a lie. You can be extremely fond of someone especially at first when he is trying to win you over, possibly seeing yourself falling in love in the future if he is being genuine and not using you to escape his feelings, it is not love.

From what you wrote, it seems like he uses you to escape his feelings and boost his ego.

I think depression is more common in introverts because they tend to self-isolate and are stuck in their own head.

Having said that, you’re not going to have your communication styles all figured out after a month.

Perhaps with time you’ll gain a better understanding and he will be in a better position to express his thoughts and feelings more clearly.

Hi EssDee,

I wonder if you have solved your problem? Even if you had, perhaps my input may still be helpful to others hence let me share.

Since you mentioned looking for more perspectives before deciding, I would like to share what I would do if it happened to me, please feel free to consider as well. I’m not sure if everyone agrees with putting emotions aside and thinking objectively when it comes to relationship, but for me, I’d see an emotionally unstable premarital partner as not fit to father my children. I’m usually self-sacrificial and able to adapt and tolerate when it’s just me. But when I think about our future children having to tolerate that, it helps me to be less love-blind and more objectively observe a man’s reactions to problems in his life and analyse if he would be a good leader of the family that I am about to build with him. I might break up and help him get out of depression as much as what a friend would do, but not as a wife or lover.

I tolerated my ex boyfriend for many years (he was emotionally unstable too), trying to stick with him eventhough he did not fulfill some of my core requirements for a life partner, because I thought love is tolerating, selfless, unconditional, supportive (but it was actually misguidance by the romanticism painted in novels and movies); because I thought I might not be able to find another guy who not only is at least equally good as my ex but also likes me; because what if all the next guys are worse? One day I found him not suitable to become a father figure and I just snapped, I don’t want to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life, I listed my partner requirements clearly, and then screened the next guy that we mutually liked before we got together. I did screen my ex, but I only kept looking at his good and subconsciously forgiving his flaws.

I’m happier now. I’ve decided that I should be more careful about giving out affection at early stages and be tolerating, selfless, and supportive only after a guy marries me, before that I shall closely observe for flaws and end with the most satisfying decision/life partner. I think love requires some objectivity, we have to objectively analyse if a potential partner is worth investing with our lifetime, next generation, time and money.

Sorry, I’m talkative.

Melia

Hi Everyone,

So, here’s the update.

I’m happy to report that we’re still together and things have gotten significantly better between us. In fact, it’s just getting better and better (touchwood). Turns out he was still trying to process the whole idea of being with someone after staying single for nearly 2 years post-breakup from a 7-year long relationship. He clarified this during a night-long chat we had a day after I posted my original post.

I was at fault here too ’cause I should have communicated my fears and doubts to him in a direct way (“men can be dense sometimes”, in his own words). My overthinking was at play and an anxiety-riddled mind can often lead you to interpret words and actions way differently than a calm and composed mind. I spoke to my therapist and they helped me understand the pattern and encouraged me to speak frankly and directly with him. And after I did, it lifted a great deal of weight off my chest, which was pretty self-imposed tbh. He convinced me that I should be direct with him henceforth and communicate my needs.

Since then, we have worked together to figure out the sweet spot of communication, which meets both our needs. He has always been a good listener for me; now, he checks in with me regularly to make sure I’m okay and we’re on the same page.

He has started opening up his life to me. Over the past months, I’ve become the first one he comes to when he wants to talk about almost anything — from new game releases, TV shows, culture talks to office problems, family issues, etc. He’s just happy that I can lend a non-judgmental ear. We’re about to celebrate our six months’ anniversary next week and though, we haven’t talked about closing the distance, I feel that’s the next chapter we’re going to start soon.

It hasn’t been an overnight job and we’re still learning about each other every day. But we’re thankful to be able to call each our place of calm and comfort.

I thank every one of you for taking the time to comment and light up my path, at least to some extent, when I needed it.

Cheers!

Are you sure you’re capable enough to offer any kind of constructive view in an LDR advice column?

I mean, sure, you have the freedom to as long as you have a keyboard to stomp on. But do you have the sensitivity, understanding, and empathy to even listen, let alone provide insightful and practical guidance?

I clearly mentioned that even if we haven’t met, talking about closing the distance is on the cards. As it is, the pandemic has thrown a wrench in the plans of thousand’s of LD couples and even non-LD ones. So, even if we want to meet, this is not the right time.

I generally don’t engage in any kind of negativity thrown my way but decided to comment not just for you but for any other troll who might want to follow your suit — your ilk is growing by the day, you know.

Get well soon!

Why do you even dare to call me a troll? I took the time to respond. Just because i think you are doing yourself a big disservice doesnt make me a troll.

Thanks liz. I also wanted to add one thing. If you are having a 6 months anniversary you consider each other bf/gf right? So you can ask your bf everything. Ask two questions: when are you planning to meet me and how do you see the two of us in the future? When he is vague without real intent you can wrote him off as a e-tetherer. At least take some steps to make sure he has real intentions of meeting

Sorry, if my response offended you, Newbie. The intention behind your comment was good but the way you put it forth was rather offensive, to be honest.

“You both are waisting your time and hiding from real life. Are you scared of life? Of rejection?”

I can take and appreciate a blunt and honest opinion. But I feel the apparent rudeness emanated by those quoted lines was unnecessary and could have been avoided. It might not come across as rude to some, but to me it did. To each their own, I guess.

Again, I get your intentions, and thanks for commenting.

One could say I have rose-tinted glasses on but I strongly believe I don’t. We have been through a couple of fairly trying situations. After a devastating cyclone here where I live a couple of months back, we were left with no internet or electricity for 3 days. The lockdown prevented us from moving out either. He was the one to order food delivery for us over those three days — something he did of his own accord.

Recently, his dad was laid off from his job and a lot of stress ensued in his family. I’ve been (and continue to be) the pillar of support (emotional and not financial) for him through this time.

I did not mention these things in my update ’cause I felt they are pretty extraneous to the post.

And yes, with regards to our plan of me flying to him, we would be splitting the expense of the whole trip between us.

I won’t say he’s “the one” or “my soulmate,” but he’s someone I can clearly see my future with.