Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Complicated breakup,
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 3 years, 11 months ago by
Peggy.
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Sara
Long post- had a 10 year relationship with a man 20 years my senior- I’m now 50 and he is 70. We got along well, but it was not going to go anywhere. We were secret from my family. After 10 years he had enough. We broke up 4 months ago, but have not gone longer than 2 days without seeing each other. We’ve made great changes and are reconciling. We say we are each other’s soulmates and each other’s best friend. We have an amazing time together and truly enjoy each other’s company. He is seeing an old friend of 30 years for about 3 months whom he states he doesn’t love, but won’t leave to her so we can be exclusive. I told him today, I was done.. He said he would call me when he ends new relationship. Do I wait, if so, for how long? We truly do love each other
Raven
You went from GF to side chick…
Anon
Definitely would like more information- why were you a secret and why couldn’t he take it anymore? It sounds like he may have never been able to date or wasn’t single for a long time.
Sophia
Of course you don’t wait!! If you were reconciling he would dump the other woman, not say say “hey, I’ll be back after I finish up having my yahoos with her”. Doesn’t sound like love.
Mary
I think there’s more to it in the other relationship than you’re aware of. Honestly it sounds like you’re the mistress he won’t leave his wife for. No matter how much he cares for you, he still loves his wife. You shouldn’t wait around for that.
Sara
Mary- I was not his mistress. He was secret to my family because of age and religion. We did everything together and I was close with his family. We had lack of communication the past couple of years. He was tired of not being part of my family. Our communication the pat 4 months has been the best it ever has been. New found intimacy. I needed to make some changes which I did willing and wholeheartedly. He contacted his new girlfriend initially to see if she new of any single women and she told him she was available. Since they have been friends for 30 years, he thought he would go for it. Now, he knows her on a new level and states they are not compatible. He doesn’t want to leave her because it’ll hurt her and he would lose the friendship. States in his mind it’s over but wants to avoid conformation. We have a trip planned in September. Part of me wants to wait it out and another walk away. Please, help
Raven
He doesn’t want to ‘hurt’ his new GF by breaking up with her- so he’ll just sneak around with his ex-GF aka side chick…
Newbie
Paige, i apologize in advance. Youre 50, you were in a secret relationship for 10 years meaning you were hiding. I dont know why you never had the balls to stand up to your family but i get your ex wasnt happy about being a secret.
But ala it was done and now you can start over. I wouldnt try to get the ex back. He went to find a new gf asap but more importantly he is 70, meaning he will be in diapers soon needing blue pills to get any action in the bedroom. If you grow old together thats part of the proces, but in this case you can simply opt out since he leftNewbie
I guess you are also ‘letitia’ where you describe the 10 tears as mainly ldr. That explains a lot about this ‘relationship’. You have got to look for love close by. Not vague ldr’s
Anon
I’m pretty sure if you stop seeing him for sex, he will do 1 thing- make a choice. If you continue to have sex with him he will keep you as a side piece like Raven said. Make him make a choice- and for goodness sake he’s 70!
Anon
You need to walk away. Stay strong. You are second choice although he may tell you otherwise. I’ve been in similar situation. Didn’t want to wait, so I remained friends while he had his gf. Told me everything I needed to hear. Even told me I was doing the right thing for waiting for him. He wants his cake and eat it too. I allowed it. Now I am stuck. Any advice how to let go and stop making excuses to see him.
Tallspicy
He has a girlfriend. You are not reconciling. Period.
mell
Sara – never wait on someone else’s relaitonship to end. I’m sorry, but he’s no longer offering you an actual relationship. he’s relegated you to being a mistress.
He told you he’d come back to you after he was done f*cking another woman. He says he doesn’t love her, but he also doesn’t want to leave her to be with his ‘soulmate’. It sounds like she is his girlfriend, not you. This is not reconciling.
He’s spinning you a story – he didn’t want his ‘friend’ but he thought he’d try her out? He knew he isn’t compatible but he stays with her – for what? Sex? Not to hurt her feelings? But if he didn’t want to hurt her, he wouldn’t cheat on her with you, and he wouldn’t pretend to love her. He’s a coward – nd I suspect he doesn’t love either of you, if he’s willing to play you like that. I fear he just realised that he could get sex out of an old friend, and that it was easier than sneaking around with you. He doesn’t want a relationship, he seems to want sex where he can get it. Forgive us if we don’t believe his words – pretty much any guy who cheats on his GF says the same thing. His excuses aren’t special.
Are you really content to be the other woman? Maybe you weren’t the mistress then, but you 100% are now. And for him to have his cake and eat it with both of you? It sounds like he is incredibly disrespectful to both you and her – a man with principles wouldn’t do that.
You are being played. And think: if he was sick of your sneaking around as a couple: what has changed now? Are you willing to have him be a part of your family after decades of refusing? If not, then why do you think he’d be happy to change how he feels? I fear you expect a different outcome, even though he’s shown you how he feels about it already.
And honestly, no matter what the issue is – religion, sexuality, families just hating your partner – after a couple of years you either have to brave it or break up if it’s really that big a deal. Or live as best as you can as a secret. Being a secret for half your life sounds a terrible way to live, and I’m sure it was very hard for the both of you – which is why uou need to think carefully about if you’d want to do that again. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life sneaking around? I’m not here to judge – but it’s your life. Did that make you happy?
Lane
Wait for what? When you throw out an ultimatum, you better be prepared for that ultimatum to backfire—its like throwing you know what into a fan and not expecting to suffer any blowback.
The one thing I can say is I have never seen an “ultimatum” such as “do this, or I walk” work, at least for long, because you are taking away someone’s free will to decide it for themselves. They have to *want it* far more than you do for it to have any value or meaning. Trying to force someone to do something at gun point, which is essentially what an ultimatum is, because its done by threat or force of a threat, and not allowing them free will to choose it for themselves. This is why ultimatums backfire on the one pulling the trigger because their *free will* will eventually win out when they start feeling trapped into doing something they didn’t or don’t want to do or they would have done it without you needing to say a peep!.
I know you want your best friend back but this is not how you go about it. A best friend steps back and freely allows other friends to make their own decisions, whether you agree with it or not. Only until the friends are willing, able, and capable of hashing it out and coming to a mutual agreement to give it another go, that addresses the needs of both parties, does it have the potential of a successful outcome.
To answer your question…you don’t wait and completely disengage as its disrespectful to his GF who did nothing to you. You only give HIM another shot when he’s fully *all in* on his own free will, and *HE* WANTS TO take it to the next level with you. Until then you don’t give him another shot (ultimatum) to shoot you down with.
Peggy
Hi Sara-I am struck by the fact that you are 50 years old and he is older. How could you not make a choice to live your own life and stand uo to your family? Sounds like you are spineless and allow others to dictate to you.
Maybe your family would object for a reasonable reason-like he is actually married? In that case you should realize you deserve better. How have you a vacation planned with him if he is seeing someone else? This guy is not a man who deeply cares about you,based on his actions.
Cancel the holiday,stop being in his life as a friend or anything else. Do better,find a better guy and stop letting your family influence your life so much! Good luck. -
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