Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Comittment-phobe, hot and cold, should I stop having sex?
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Jade
Sarah,
What do you mean by “you people?” I guess YOU ended up on this forum because you have it ALL figured out, right?? Pssshhh…
Sorry, this just happens to be the time of night when I have very little tolerance for BS and call people out on it. Best of luck.
Candy
Get real.
Not everyone you date or know wants to be your friend. Personally, I have intentionally limited who I allow in my life as a friend and so that certainly rules out going through what you are.
It shouldn’t be work to have a friend.I believe many people have this false sense of importance and success in proportion to the high volume of ‘friends’ they can accumulate.
My personal time is too precious to waste on the nonsense of figuring out how to be friends with an ex…it either happens naturally or you move on.
Nikita
aaaaare you sure you’re intellegence young lady? From what I read, I couldn’t find any forms of intellgence here. However, you could tell him that you’re value and respect your friendship that you guys are having more than anything else in the world. And tells him that I hope you can respect and understand. Also tells him that the way he bevahiors is a turn off point to you and you don’t find him attractive in that way anymore. Plus honesty is the best policy anyway. He will respect you more if you can stand and speak up your mind. Good luck!
Sara
I’ve been in a very similar situation as you and I think I completely understand your mindset. So as others have said, it’s most likely that he wants a fwb -as you mentioned, he straight up said he doesn’t want commitment. It’s obvious he wants physical benefits but (to me) it does seem like he enjoys your company (a lot of men are fully content with having this kind of situation, while most women are not (different mindsets)). The catch is that even though he likely enjoys spending time with you, he may not want to be just friends. I don’t know what his reason might be, but it’s possibility. Maybe he wants to place his attention into a fwb with someone else? You would have to ask him to know.
To keep him as a friend- I think the best route would be to ask to have a face-to-face conversation about the issue, and tell him how you feel (i.e. you don’t want to date him as you want a relationship and he doesn’t, but you do value him as a friend and enjoy having conversations. You are interested in a platonic friendship but you want him to stop making advances (and say why)). If he respects/values you, he will either accept what you say and will stop the advances or will stop seeing you (and will give a valid reason as to why). If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, he will continue with the advances or get angry or something like that. Best of luck!
Sma
He does not want you. If he did he will b dating u by now…n not hitting on your friends in front of u…do u call that respect??? Feel sorry for us all you want but at least we have enough pride n dignity to walk wen we being treated like doormat. N maybe u comfortable with a man treating u like u booty call…or wait…you are a bootycall..nothing more.
Sma
Hitting on your friends in front of u*
sarah
Jade,obviously I dont mean anyone who comments, but some of the comments and the quality of the answers in just beyond emotionally dumb. I posed a question about a concrete situation and asked for a call for action.Like what should I do type of thing. Later on, I filled people in and said that I didnt feel completely satisfied with the situation which is why I left it. THE second I questioned it, I posed the question and stopped dating him just a few days after. My next question was how to remain the friendship as I never bash people I liked for some reason. The next thung you know, he is the devil etc. So many man haters here, wondering why things go wrong. Its sad. Many people here are amazing, but some answers, I really feel sorry for some people here. Nothing to do with you, you seem completely normal :)
Candy. I would not want to be a friend to someone I dont respect and like a lot, and its the case with him. The last guy I dated I erased from my phone as I felt he was not adding value and felt irrelevant. I am a person who appreciates honesty, intelligence and depth, which he has, and as friendship is a mutual thing I certainly hope he feels the same, and obviosly he does as we are still talking and hanging out, I just asked for tips on how to remain friends on best possible level. Not sure what question you are answering to, but sure has nothing to do with what I posed.
Nikita. For one, I am NOT intelligence, but intelligent. Kind of emberessing to call someone out on their intelligence with that level of english. Your wish to put someone down is a sign of low self esteem and some emotional problems, so I am not really offended, just feel a bit sorry for you. I have been honest with him to begin with, he also told me ofcourse to being friends, my question is ore about how to maintain the friendship and not just the professional level of relationship and how to make it work so we still can have the bennefits of the friendship. Thank you tho.
Sara, I am sorry to hear that you have been trough a rough patch too. And thank you for the normal tone, obviously not too common here ;) Well, he is the guy who is completely honest, so he said he does not really want the FWB situation (thus holding hands in public in the beginning), said it was understood we were exclusive BUT did not want to promisse anything. I think he got scaed of the feelings at some point and then started to gravitate towards that position, but I wasnt having it, which is why I broke up.
I have asked him and he said that we ofcourse could remain friends, but just like our dating situation, it is more a feeling that he is pulling back and kind of silently showing signs that its not the same, you know, the professional tone, just talking about work, not checking infor the daily coffe, being more distant, but he sure is still here as we do work together. Maybe it will just take some time, men do have bigger egos. He asked me if I am still up for working on the project, which was strange as I already told him I wanted to work and I was the one starting the project -to me it was the sign of him wanting me out, and I made a big deal out of it, and he assured me he was all in for working, but said nothing about the friendship, which kind of made me sad, but I do have to accept his decission and in the end maybe I just need to relax and he will come around. We have not talked for a day as he is away, but Im sure we ll be back to normal, I mean he still wants to drink coffee with me :) I have been bluntly honest, I always am, and said I value our friendship too much to destroy it with dating when I feel there will be resentment in the end, and asked if he will still be my friend, and he did say yes, when I asked again he got a bit annoyed and said : “what I say always stands” so I guess we will be friends, it will just not be the same. In some way , I want him to make some advances as its reasurring, but also to respect my bundaries.It is confusing, as you see, which is why I dont get mad at him for making advances as I send mixed signals. In the ideal world, I would like him as a boyfriend,but as I respect myself too much to hang around in case it happens, I am happy to have him as just a friend. And he will come around, I guess it takes time and I guess he needs to process it too, as I am the one breaking up and now he is stuck with me for work, but I am sure the tension will go away at some point and we can just hang. Thank you for the kind approach and advise :)
Sma. I recomend a reading course , because we WERE dating for a month, and were kind of commited, I came here because something changed and I was the one breaking uo with HIM. He was not hitting on my “friend”, but leaned towards her while showing her photos. I didnt react because it was not alarming in any way, SHE was the one who told me he did, although I was there and saw no signs of that. She has done this in the past, talks about sex infrnt of every guy I like or date, so I dont really take her seriously, however, I did end it completely after that, used it as an excuse more or less, because I wasnt completly happy about our relation and when I dont get my needs met, I leave, no blaming. Honestly, what is wrong with you? He does NOT treat me like a doormat, he was completely honest and I left the second I did not get the level of affection I needed. ANd I guess you heal your bad self esteem, complexes and the fact that you are this level of person by trying to assault others, but you are saying more about yourself. It is sad really. If booty call meant a guy who buys your son birthday gifts, who ships your father expensive medication, who gives you a multi-million dollar job opportunity , holds your hand and helps you build your business, takes you out for coffee every day, calls you several times a day, travels 60 miles to find a sort of jam you likes,runs out in the rain to get you a waffle – then no women would be here wanting a boyfriend, every single one of them would want a booty call. If guys treat you bad, it is not my fault. I can pick and choose, so I left this guy because I wasnt getting exactly what I needed, I asked people if they know how to keep the friendship. It had nothing to do with dating as I already broke up. So, your answer is not just completely pointless, unintelligent and confusing, but also a sign of a really sad person. Hope you get happy, because happy people dont try tofeel better by insulting others.
Now Im off to a coffee with my now friend, a walk with my grandma and my son and then for a coffee date with a great guy I met yesterday, before meeting investors for my project. I really have a great life, and Im super happy I wrote here,because it reminded me of why I am so happy and succesful – because I choose my friends wisely and never listen to other people. I never have and I have been doing just fine, so I wish you all the same- to the amazing, nice, warm people that have answered me, as well as to the poor hateful souls that really just need to be loved. Love is in us, not in anyone else, so I wish you a lot of love, for yourselves first and foremost. Good luck
Hannah
Sarah I’m no man hater. Ive always had very good, healthy relationships with men and I have a good understanding of them. So I’ll be honest and tell you what I see.
I see a man who wanted a FWB. He got it for a while and then you stopped the benefits. He knows from your past behaviour you have weak boundaries so he kept up with the friends hoping the benefits would return. That’s why he was stilling seeing you for coffee etc. But even then he was Tring it on groping you etc and trying to get you into bed wasn’t he? So he wasn’t just interested in your conversation and the coffee….
Now you want to maintain a friendship but he’s pulling away and being distant. Why? Because he never just wanted a friendship with you. He’s got the idea the sex isn’t happening, he is probably fond of you and likes your company sometimes but he’s not interested in you being a close friend. He never was.
Women seem to think men who’s primary motivator is sex only want sex. But men like a bond and connection too. Sex is their main focus but they want to have a nice thing going with their sex partner. They want to be friends. Partly because it keeps the woman happier and the FWB running more smoothly. This confuses women because they think the man must be into them because they’re coming over for coffee as well as sex. They’re not! This is a classic FWB situation pure and simple.
So now the benefits are he’s questioning working together. Why? Because as far as he’s concerned your relationship is over. He may keep in touch and sometimes come for coffee but what he wanted and valued is no longer on offer. You can’t make someone your friend if they never really saw you as a friend. You were someone to pass the time with and have sex with. There’s nothing wrong with that and he’s not a bad man. But you’re connected to him on a level he simply isn’t with you. I’m sorry!
I could be wrong. Only time will tell how much effort he makes in maintaining your friendship. That will show you. But I think you’ll find in time the ladies posting here were right.
Claudia
That attitude of yours won’t get you very far …u might look 25, 20 or even 10…but you are 35!!! If u not careful 10 years later u will still b In the same situation because of your incapability to listen not take advise. Your lack of respect is appalling. I imagine that’s how u treat the man in your life.
Enjoy the date with the new, please take a look in the mirror…it will improve things I’m your new relationshipa.
sarah
Respectfully, wasnt really like that. We started dating, went on a few dates, slept together after maybe 5-6 dates. On the 5th date he was assertive and I said no, he asked what the problem was and I said I wanted to be a bit more relaxed and felt like I didnt know what he wants from this. He said that he couldnt make any promisses, but wanted to take it slowly and see where it goes, couldnt promisse to be here in 5 years or not to be here in five years, as long as we were happy was his mantra (still is). We started sleeping together, he became less affectionate, and I reacted. Said I felt uncomfortable. He started becoming more affectionate. Said I didnt want to be a FWB and he got surprised and said that is not what we were. He NEVER lies, even when he should ;) He became VERY affectionate, hand holdig, doing sweet things for me all the time, seeing eachother every day , sometimes 3 times. He would come under my window just to have a chat when my son was awake and I couldnt go anywhere. We talked about past, childhood, he offered me a job opportunity (you dont get committed to working closely with someone for the next few years if you plan just sleeping with them and then toss them ?!) , we held hands in public, kissed, he took me out to dinner, all that WHILE we were having sex.We started sleeping over, having breakfast, taking small trips. Then something changed and he bacame distant, after I talked about my ex. I got annoyed and wanted to talk about it, and he is NOT the “lets talk it out ” type. That doesnt fit me, so I pulled back, he kept calling for coffee but did NOT initiate sex anyomore. At that time I WISH he would have. After just having coffee during the day and no contact in the evening, I said I did not feel comfortable with being intimate with him. After 4-5 days it felt like we were not dating anymore. I asked if he had decided we should be just friends and he said no and did not know what I was talking about. Apparently, 5 nights without sex after a month of everyday and night contact was completely normal, and he said taht if it were something, he would have told me.He said that if he wanted to change the nature of our relation into friends, he would have talked to me about it. I suspected that he was seeing someone, but did not bring it up and we did say we were exclusive. He said tht I should relax, and everything was ok. I accepted that answer and we “kept on” dating,but I felt uneasy, something seemed off, he seemed on the edge and told me that I did too. After that night, we saw eachother the next 2 nights, had sex, but I was so off and uneasy. One night he was affectionate, next night he did not kiss me at all, one night he picked me up and hugged me for good 5 minutes, next he didnt even touch me. I brought it uo and he said he did not like to be forcing anything or to have “musts” in a relationship. I kind of understood, I have friends with that kind of personality, but it was just not for me. He is very unaware of some things, he would say ” can you come between 11 and 1? And I get annoyed, but he has an online conference at 1 , so he needs to plan, but I get sensitive about it, he doesnt get what he did wrong etc. When I showed that something bother me that he didnt feel like he could have done differently, he started “handling” me, he is practical like that – by giving me less affection he would show me that I could not get what I want by pouting, he even told me: just tell me exactly what you want. By then I knew that I wanted to have a man that did not need to adjust his behaviour. These three days, after this post , the first night he was sweet and talked me out of breaking it off, kissed me, said how much he liked me, held my hand while we walked in public. Next night he did not hugg me like usual as we slept, I sensed something bothered him, but said nothing. I said that I need more reassurance and he said that he doesnt like routine and he needed me to just relax and trust him.We hugged and kissed but something in me had changed and I think no affection would have been enough by then. Went home that night and decided to not date him anymore.
During the day, usually my son is with me, so we act like friends, and even when he is not – so I didnt say anything. We didnt see eachother much as he was busy, and then my friend made that comment about him leaning in, and that I took as an excuse and broke it off.
I didnt stop the sex and then he took me for coffee every day HE is the one who took a break from it, and I felt uneasy about continuing after not being intimate for few days, as I could not really be sure of if we were friends or dating . He said that he really liked me and wanted to date me. ND he said “listen to what I tell you and trust me dont analyse my every move or read between the lines, I mean what I say”- so I went on for 3 more days, . (we WERE dating at the time). Then he would be completely friendly during the day, no affection, nothing, just like a friend so I had no opportunity to break up and like I said,he was off for 3-4 nights again,and I just felt I couldnt go back. During these days we were seeing eachother during the day, and we wWERE dating,as I had not broken up yet, so no need for cofees to get sex.. He thought he would get it anyway and had no idea that I had made up my mind about breaking up. He tried to convince me to continue when I finally broke up, and the kissing and groping was I guess his way of getting back together (doubt that he would just want to get me into bed to dump me when we are about to be stuck together for work, he is smarter than so) . So no, Im sure this was never about the sex. If anything, I was the one getting pouty if we did not see eachother in the evening. He always made sure to be there during the day at some point, every day,even knowing he would get sex. So no, this is completely untrue.
I am not sure that you understand the concept of FWB. You dont hugg your , you dont kiss apart from the bedroom, you dont hold hands walking down the street. SO what exactly do you do with a boyfrind that is different??? I am also not sure how much you people expect from someone to promisse you in the frist month of dating????? That he will stay with me forever?!
We were dating, and OFCOURSE we did not define what we were after less then a month. I would run scared if he tried! We just got together, I have a child, taking it easy is more than ok with me. Everything was perfect, until something CHANGED; he pulled back, I got annoyed, he was distant for a few days and then I tried to break up, he convinced me to stay and I stayed for 3 days, but felt it sucked and broke up anyway. The last time we saw eachother, when I broke up, I was very clear on not sleeping with him, yet he hugged me and fell asleep with me. Its like you are sp used to saying same things to people that you dont even reflect anymore. All men are not the same, they are human beings, with different experiences and motivations, and this is all just crap.
I am someone who men ask out alot. I know exactly what a man just wanting sex behaves and looks like. You dont hold hands in public, buy your fwb kids presents or send medicine to your fwb father. Just please, like I said: HOW should a boyfriend behave if this is FWB? Move in?? Geezuz. This guy is completely honest and would have said when I asked, he has answered everything brutally honest.
He also said that he values me as a person and a friend and that he wants to stay friends and I have no reason to distrust him, we have had coffees and he has asked to see me, but I was busy. I broke up with him and his ego is hurt, so Im sure it will be hard to be exactly the same in the beginning and it has nothing to do with him “using ” me for sex (OMG ,like women dont get pleasure out of it?!). And yes, men have sex as a motive, and sure , some want FWB; but not all the men want the same things and not all of them are liers. This guy wants to be my friend, he would have said so if it were different. He said it hurts when I talk about my guy friend whom i have nothing with, and he hates to hear about m y ex,even in a memory. Ofcourse his ego is hurt. But I have no doubt that we will stay friends, this coffee we had 20 minutes ago is the proof, so why the hell do I bother reading this and writing it when I have all my answers in frint of me, in form of this amazing guy whom I can talk with for 9 hours straigh, forget to sleep, have a 4 hour long cofee breaks, amazing insights, develop new ideas, being insainly funny. But ofcourse, who cares we just had coffee, who cares about how we get along because , well, a person who doesnt know him , or me,says that he doesnt feel the connection so that must be valid. you have no idea about our friendship and these are just stupid guesses..Like he said, actually, people who end up listening to unqualified peoples guessing will end up in the gatter. ANd now, this applies to more areas than trading. I m off, but thanx, why would I ever question this amazing person , I need to relax and just be me, and not ask people for advice, especially one who dont know us
Really
If you are so intelligent and never follow advice, why bother posting a novel on this forum?
You sound egotistical and want things only on your terms. You dump the man because you say you were not happy, but then are now forcing the issue of how he is supposed to act as your friend.
Good luck with that.
Hannah
Sarah you’re only fooling yourself. He didn’t want commitment or a relationship. That by definition makes it a FWB. My FWBS have treated me the way you describe.
What’s you’re explanation then for him coming into to you aggressively for sex, slowing it down when you said no and being more affectionate, then backing off after the sex? Really you think it was because you mentioned your ex? Up until then he was falling in love and wanted a relationship? Nope. He was playing you to get you into bed.
All of my FWBS have treated me the way you describe. I wouldn’t have accepted less. For God’s sake he said you were “just his neighbour”. How more clear could he be? He’s being honest, you don’t want to hear it. I’m saying this asite a woman who was in your position for 3 painful years. He’s not lying but he’s still playing you and he knows he is.
As I said before. Time will tell!
alia
From my experience people act like he was acting, when they have another love interest in the works. And I think you already know that. It doesn’t mean he is committing to the other person either. Or that he likes the other person better than you. He may even be flirting with your friend because he needs to take the focus off both you and his new love interest. There is nothing particularly wrong or dishonest about his behavior other than he was probably not exclusive with you, or at least would drop the exclusivity clause once the other love interest was up for sex.
I agree with you he is not a bad guy, but he would not make a good boyfriend at this stage of his life. He is playing the field. Many men do that and the only way to stop them from being one of the women in their rotation is to not have sex with them in the first place. Granted you didn’t know that he will act like this that’s why we have to date them for a while without having sex. Usually, when they sense the sex is off the table, they will bail.
It’s a peculiar thing to be a woman in their thirties and all of a sudden become celibate and only have sex when in a relationship, but that seems to be a good way to gauge the mans true interest. I’ve recently been on a couple dates with someone whom I had to cool off with taking the sex off the table. He became distant at first, but he is also opening up to me more and trusting me more than he would have if we had slept together. It pretty cool. So, yes, I recommend you take things slow. Give yourself 3 months from the first date until you sleep with them, it will change the dynamic and it will so much more pleasant for you.Sarah
Claudia, really. You are absolutely right. I always look to my own interest, and my sons. I try not to hurt anyone, Im always respectful and kind, and honest. Getting out of the situation when it no longer serves you is not egotistical but smart, and asking for advice on how to stay friends never stated “on my terms”, but sure. Ofcourse I wanted it on my terms. I it goes togeter with his terms, great, if not, thats too bad. I will iss him in that case, but wont really fight for it. IM happy to give him my friendship, but it needs to serve us both.
Taking advice is something you need to do from people who know you and are objective. I have a friend (the one lieing about being hit on by every guy I date) who has been hurt a lot, she hates men, complains about them, obsesses about every word. Nothing she ever said has ever brought me anything good. Its not smart to take any advise and your advise taking will not determine your faith in 10 years (hahahaha, really?) but how much you listen to your heart, your gut, and how controlled or free you are of your own mind and fears. Some good advise on the way can be helpful, I have listed plenty to my life coach in my days, but he knows what he is doing and is not speaking from own bad experience. I would advise you to be more like me, honestly. Listen to what your gut sais, get out when you dont feel great about it and love yourself. All the rest is actually pointless
Sarah
Alia, that might be the way! Sex clauds the mind, first of all, second of all, it is hard to get to know someone and see the potential if he makes up your mind about you. But on the other hand, you know what? Somehow I am grateful that it turned out this way – because if someone likes you, is right for you, is your soul mate – or one of them, he would be there. My ex husband truly was amazing while it lasted and before some problems, and we had a one night stand!
So I guess your rule is applicable when you are a bit unsure about a guy, but in my opinion it is always best to go with your gut, and if doesnt work – it doesnt. At least you know he is not the right one. The right one will be there and there would be no work , but sure, when its casual, and no real feelings yet, if its not spontanious, then it might be a good idea to chill it off.
You are also right, he is not boyfriend material, he actually was at the beginning, but in that second stage thats exactly what I knew, which is why I broke it off.
Regarding some other love interest, there is no way – we were together all the time, he picked up all the calls, spent every morning together, every evening and night. This is not a big city, and we were walking in the centre hand by hand, so Im sure there was noone else, he also would never lie. There was a girl who came and said hi, I asked if she was someone to watch out for, jokingly, and he said no, but I did sleep with her if thats what you are asking. So I am pretty damn sure we were exclusive, as he said we were – I guess some feelings scared him, or he changed his mind down the road for some reason, and he needed to make sure to get away by distancing himself sexually and emotionally then I distanced myeself emotionally and then it was impossible . We acted like crazy kids in love for 2 weeks, then he goes supercold. My own guess is this: he has a standard (like I do too). He did not see himself with a girl who is a single mother with a 5 year old, he has so many goals set that he forgets to feel. I said once “see how you feel about it tomorrow” and he looked at me and said: ” what do feelings have to do with anything?” He is just wired like that. And flirting started after he got distant, probably to just make a point. He basically just leaned in while showing photos, I was there and didnt react, and he was honest about it and said: If I got to know here somewhere else, I might have leaned in on purpose, its just my nature, but this time I really just wanted to show your friend some pictures and sure, I would have been more causios about body contact if it was a guy, but I would really never disrespect you that way” . But whatever, he is just not my person, and I got out in time , no harm done.
Like I said, if thats his nature, if he s not my person, even if I waited for 6 months, his nature would not change or he would have this respect for me based on me being “different”, but basically, he needs to NOT date someone to fall in love, I think he was hurt and is causios, logical, and just out of sync. He needs to fall in love head over heels with someone he know already or gets to know, on a personal level. Soeone who would check all the boxes and make him actually feel. I think I did make him feel (he actually said he adored me and it was long time ago he felt like this with someone) – but then we had a bad day and he got remin ded of me not checking his boxes.
It s not really important, its his issue – I will just keep following my heart.And actually your 3 month rule is great for guys that you dont really feel it with to begin with , if you wonder, if there are red flags – wait, if it s organic and great, follow your heart.
I was in a sexless marriage and then didnt slepp with anyone for 2 years, so Im cool with waiting :D we just need to remind ourselves that we are enough, that we are loved even without someone, and not to be too hard on our selves (because others already are)
Thank you for the advise, I wish you all the luck and plenty of love
Sarah
BTW, the guy just called me, I told him that I was about to go on a date and he turned stone cold. I ask what was wrong as I thought he was ok with us being friends and not dating – and he tells me that I am one to chose it. I said that I chose it because I could feel him distancing himself and I had no need to stay where my needs werent met and then he tells me that he had to distance himself as it was getting out of hand, his feelings were way too strong way too fast and he had to put his foot down as he knows that it wasnt smart to get that serious that fast. I asked what feelings had to do eith smart, and e said “nothing, that is the problem” Apparently, he was distancing himself not to lose me, but not to lose himselfas he felt our relation started to affect his decisions, work and life and it just felt scary and he felt that he needed to put some distance between us and when he did I started behaving differently and then he got reaffirmed that I was wrong for him, so he distanced himself some more. I asked what he feels now and he said that he is hurt although he has no right to be, he closed this chapter in his head when I broke it off, but his heart is not really catching up and it still hurts. He said we should go back to way we were and he would not run scared this time, but I really dont feel like doing this again so I told him we could be friends and if the feelings come up again and he is more sure of what he wants then and can relax more, we will see where we go from there. Then he sais “how do you think that makes me feel, to have you there and know you dont want to be with me?”
So dear overanalysing women, sometimes things are not as horrible as we make them out to be. Just have high standards, dont analyse and get out as soon as your standards are not met. They will come around. I will still go out with my new date, and told him so- he had his chance. Now in the aftermath, I think I just needed reassurance, now I m pretty sure I dont really want him as a boyfriend.I need and want someone who knows what he wants and who wants me, all the way. So good luck to you, and please dont judge situation based on your personal bad experience. And get out as soon as you dont feel great about it (geezuz, Hannah, 3 years? I felt he was in love with me, and when he started to distance hiself , I basically posted here the first day, and I made it trough 3 dates – then I broke it off, its just beyond me that someone can keep it up for 3 years! 3 days were waaay too much for me). Good luck girls, Im off and wont settle for anything but perfection – call me egotistical if you will :) Love to you all, with good and bad advise, hope you find love :)
Hannah
To clarify, he was my friend for 3 years. Not in a sexual relationship!
Of course your guy isn’t happy you’re dating. He doesn’t just see you as a friend. If he did, he’d be happy for you.
He told you he was just your neighbour and he hit in your friend in front of you. He wasn’t developing amazing strong feelings…
He wants to go back to the way things were? So neighbours that have sex. He’s not talking about a relationship is he?
Don’t settle for second best Sarah! I’m glad you’re not. I didn’t realise you’d only known this guy a few weeks. In that case he’s not even really a friend is he? He’s just a guy you’ve known a few weeks. Is he worth this much thought?
Candy
All this overthinking and drama over a guy you saw for a few weeks?
Jade
Sarah,
Soooo much to read. So much so that I’m not 100% sure what you’re seeking advice about but I will say that the incredible detail of your posts tells me that you are over scrutinizing every single little thing that this man does or doesn’t do. It must be exhausting for both of you. That could be his reason for withdrawing. Not being harsh, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you were on the verge of interpreting what his breathing patterns meant. It’s just too much.
Andrea
Hummmmm. Veryyyyy long posts from someone who asked a question about a man who obviously didn’t want her as a girlfriend and is blind to the real definition of FWB.
sarah
Hannah, I dont know why you are trying to prove this. Guy who is getting laid does not need to try to get laid, get over yourself. He was trying to get laid WHILE he was getting laid and he showed affection while he is getting laid, it is when HE stopped the sex that the affection stopped, not the other way around.He was more or less my boyfriend although we had no definitions, was super affectionate while getting sex every night. THEN something happened and he withdrew, and now, he himself sais that he got scared becaus ehe was feeling too much, but of course, YOU know better than himself. Itd sad really, if you were hurt doesnt mean that every man is the same and treats women the same way.
Regarding the neighbour comment- he said “If you say this about your ex, will you say the same about me if we break up?” I looked at him like he is crazy, and he added “that was dumb of me to compare myself to your husband of 5 years, Im sorry. Compared to him, Im just your neighbour”. Later on he said that he felt he needed to minimize what he said as he was afraid of coming on too strong when giving him the same importance as my husband although we had been dating for 2 weeks at the time, and he was affraid of scaring me away as I had said I wanted to take it slowly and see where it goes.
No, he did not hit on myfriend. I was there, didnt react. He leaned in to show her some photos, she said that he got too close. She has said this before about every guy I like or date, she is a kind of girl that need affirmation and would talk about her vagina in front of guys I date. He said that he would never disresoect me like that, but he also had a nice connection with her and felt it was natural to lean in. He said he finds her pretty unattractive but very nice. He is very honest, there was a girl who came to say hi once, and I asked if I should get my claws out jokingly and he said “no need, but I did have sex with her a while ago”. So he tells me exactly as it is. I feel really dumb for listening to bunch of strangers when all I needed to do was to see how he was with me and listen to his words. He told me that he never lies when we started dating. He was right.
I dont really know what a guy can do within the first few weeks for you to NOT consider him a FWB, FFS, should he ask me to marry him??? He sais his feelings got to strong too fast and you still know better? Its just ridiculous.
Andrea
Bye Felicia!
sarah
Candy, we saw eachother at least twice every day, so it was a bit intense. Im sure there are people who date for years that have seen less of each other. Jade, sure I overthink, especially if Im unsure of where I stand as Im not used to it and I get anxious. I m a tyoe of person who wants answers right here, right now. I obsess in the oent, then I let it go. While I was overthinking it, I posted this. Over time, a few days after I ended it, but seekes advice on how to stay friends in the best manner. The post have less to do with him and more with annoying unqualified guesses coming from peoples own bitterness.
If I had said I was a poor ugly woman Im sure I would have gotten more encouragment.Im not disillusional, I know what a man in love looks like, so these answers felt really dumb. I know I can be condensending, but it is hard not to when people that never met you are more sure about somebody elses feelings than the person himself. Just weird.
Andrea, it would be you not knowing the definition or difference between a bf and FWB,and thats sad..
Andrea
My karma ran over your dogma
Jade
I’m not talking about other peoples’ posts or advice. I’m trying to point out to you that HE told you to stop over analyzing his every move and to stop reading between the lines so he KNEW you were doing it and I can see it! It’s just ALL way too much, imo. More than enough reason for any man or woman, regardless of their feelings, to withdraw. And, I’m not being mean here, but what exactly is the advice that you’re looking for? Because I can’t decipher that amidst all this other stuff.. We don’t need a play by play of your hourly interactions, it’s honestly way too much and too confusing. Nobody here is going to simply tell you what you want to hear either, btw. You’ll get all sorts of advice. You can take it or leave it bc we don’t know either of you. I’m just still totally lost in the length of your posts! Explain it to me like I’m a 5 year old if need be..
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