Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Comittment-phobe, hot and cold, should I stop having sex?
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coffee.
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Sarah
Hey,
I am a 35 year young woman, people think I am between 25 and 30 usually. I am well educated, succesfull, good looking according to most men, used to model and get alot of attention, stares, propositions even when with my kid. I have had extreme bad luch with men in my life, but also great love many times over. Yet, it seems that my fear of rejection always stands in my way. I love to be in love, and I just love fully when I do – most men in my life have loved me deeply but end up cold after a year or so. I am now divorced and have a child. My ex was abusive and left me emotionally ill and heart broken, I was alone with the kid and it took me 2 years to be with someone new.
When I did it was a friend who I liked, but we ended up only sleeping together twice. We stayed friends. The next guy was an unemployed loser whom I left when he started abusing me verbally, then he chased me for 3 months and when I said enough he declared how he was with me only for sex (he was inviting me for trips and planning future, even asked me about kids, but apparently…).
And THEN I meet THE guy. Extremely positive (as I am, so its important to me), succesful, likes new ideas and is so curious , which I am too, we end up talking for hours and hours,I am attracted to him as well and he is kind and honest and just very, very intelligent (I am a member of Mensa so I have hard time finding men intelligent enough to challange me). Great huh? Well yeah, we have seen eachother every night since we met, but to begin with he said he was liking to takling it slowly and asked why I expected of him to start planning ahead right away. I wasnt! I just said I felt he was too agressive while kissing and wanted to take it slowly (as I like the guy!) . After a few dates we slept together, but then he stopped kissing me good night and hello – he would come get me, say hi, have cofee like friends, then we would meet up later, have sex and hug and kiss, and then he would take me home and give me a hug, a kiss on the cheeck at best. I protested and said I didnt feel like having sex with him as I didnt want to have a friends with bennefits situation and never agreed to that. He asked whats wrong with that, but denied thats how he sees me when I asked. He asked what I needed, I said more gentle, more affection, but I didnt want to ask him for it or for him to give it to me as I want it to be spontenious. He said we had a great time together, and I should relax.
When I said I couldnt relax if I was all the time afraid of developing feelings, he said I shouldnt be, and just let it go. He couldnt promisse me walks on the beach he said, but he liked more to do things he doesnt promisse then to not do the ones he does. I accepted this and we continued sleeping together and more and more hugging, talks, I dont initiate anything, usually he is the one to do it. He started kissing me hello and good bye, we started taking small trips – it felt like a relationship and a good one. We walked hand in hand etc.
One day I made a comment bout my ex and he changed the tone, later on he said that I had a pattern and mentioned only bad things and he didnt wanted me to hate him when we are over but remember nice things. He basically had already planned for it to be over! He also said that he liked that I was laid back and never demanded anything and that I was ok with never making plans, just taking it day by day. I wasnt! I just thought it was a given we were seeing eachother every night, thus no need for plan making, as it has been like this for a month. We have basically seen eachotether every day for a month, sometimes 3 times a day, and suddenly, it is his PLAN not to make plans, so it will be ok if he just dissapears as he never promissed anything!
I feel really dumb, not used as I chose it though he said he could not commit, but dumb and confused as he is the one initiating contact, he is the one wanting to see me, begging me to come down ( we are neighbours) and have a coffee and is just overall hot for me..And then while having this “you said something mean about your ex, dont do it to me” conversation , he said “maybe its stupid to compare, I mean we are nothing, I am just your neighbour”. A rush od anger went trough me, I work alot, and Im sleep depraved because I want to see him, and it goes both ways, I said I wasnt interested in a fwb relation, and nw this? The night of me mentioning the ex he didnt kiss me, but shook my hand good bye. I didnt sleep with him after that. Yesterday when we went for cofee he was kissing me, groping me, I said that neighbours dont do that, I still like him as a person, but I just wouldnt do it. He said I was trying to manipulate him, which I am not! I am dead serious about stopping the sex, I am still interested tho and hope he can comitt and let himself fall in love with me. Last night we had loose plans, but he didnt get back to me, and was weird when I sent him “Im falling asleep” text, as a “wake up call” to call me if he wasnts to see me, he was cold and weird and when he didnt respond to a joke I made, I stopped texting too.
He is very smart, and I dont want to manipulate him into anything, but his behaviour is not matching his words (it does now tho :( ) ,and now my fear of rejection is kicking in.. What if he doesnt call, if I never see him, he is a catch – the regular ones. I DONT call or text, I never did, he did all the initiating, but yesterday, as the fear kicked in, I was the one msging first, and regreted it immediatly. We started to work on some projects too, which he will be investing in so I dont want to lose the business opportunity either, but the main question is how do I make him dare to fall in love or how do I know when its smart to run for the hills? COuld he still commit if I “ride it out” or should I run away when he doesnt,is it smart to stop having sex or should I just continue (the sex is good, but “Im just your neighbour” comment put me over the edge and it suddeny feels so cheap, I do want to keep him in my life tho, in some way. I dont know what to think, please help!
Leigh
Hey Sarah, it sounds like he wants a FWB situation. End of story. I think that if you let this guy go, because I think he will become like your other guys who ended up mentally abusing you, that when you date again that you wait to have sex. It sounds like a repeated story with the men you meet and you have sex with them. Not sure how long it took to sleep with the others but the most recent guy was way too soon. Now he’s thinking that you want a FWB situation.
In answer to your post title: Yes, stop having sex with him and see how he continues with you. If he ghosts then accept it and move on. If he continues then control the boundaries and see how he responds.
The business opportunity “might” be his stake in with you to keep you around. So….
That is what happens with dating. You don’t know, you try things out and you see if works.
redcurleysue
Interesting enough you speak a lot about abuse….you are choosing the wrong men to go out with. Also, you expect sex to mean a relationship…it does not.
Do not have sex with a man until you know how much he cares about you and your family. Take it slow. Do not fall in love fast….keep your eyes open more.
Advice
Ahhh, Mensa. Well, intellectual IQ doesn’t equal emotional or common sense IQ.
For you to have looks, brains, and pick of the crop, why do you keep picking the men are want you the least? This is your issue and not theirs. Rule of thumb is that you have a group of men who show real interest in you, then you date them and pick the man who is the BEST. You are not doing this.
You are, for some reason, falling for the bad boys and /or men who simply find you very easy to manipulate. Seeing a man every day because he asks, is a huge mistake. It tells him you have nothing else really going on that is more important than him. Being ‘sleep deprived’ because you jump when he calls you, is not being a gf or even a fwb. It’s being taken advantage of,
This man is not going to fall in love with you. He is correct that withholding sex is manipulative. You can’t be all in and on his terms then suddenly blame him because you went along with it.
I suggest you keep reading this forum and as many articles as you can about how to date and read men better. Your radar is way off when it comes to picking ‘decent’ men.
People who look like ‘models’ tend to have some of the lowest self esteem. My guess you fit this bill, because you are afraid to set boundaries and pace the relationship. You don’t want to rock the boat. Very bad strategy.
Next time take things slow, get to know the man, don’t have sex so early on unless you are ok that he may only want sex, don’t be so available. Find out up front if he is looking for a relationship, in general, most men will be honest about this. If he says he is t ready, wants to take it slow, has been burnt in the past, yada yada, then he isn’t your man. That’s smoke screen to keep you around.
Unfortunately, you believe that if you pull back he will suddenly love you. It doesn’t work that way, believe me… If a man loves you, his words will match his actions and you will never be left wondering.
Sarah
Thanx for the rply you guys. I have not jumped to sex before , I was in 4 long committed relationships in the last 10 years, serial monogamist if you will. This guy was very aggressive with sex and I am kind of out of my game, as well I was smitten with him.
Last night we made plans but he dissapeared from the conversation as we spoke when I made a comment about going to sleep if he is not asking to see me. Today he msged me around 10 pm, I replied an hour later, but he did not answer. I feel him pulling back.
I have had the talk with him and said I was ok with taking it slow, and no promisses, but I was however not ok with the FWB situation and need more connection in order to be intimate. He said that I COULD relax and I did not need to censor my feelings. He was very, very affectionate, hugging me while we slept, kissing my hand, stroking my cheek, called every day etc, holding my hand in public..It does NOT sound like a FWB situation, and then suddenly he stopped. I dont think its because of sex, because we already had sex when he was very boyfriendy”, so it is probably the comment about my ex that made him wonder, as well as him getting that I was trying to pull back to gain something more. He said he is not up to interogation nor games in the beginning.
I feel him getting cold, and starting to ghost slowly and it hurts. I dont know how to act, I am hurt so I cant be my happy self and want to show him that its not ok, on the other hand, I dont want to lose him. He is very honest, succesful, sweet and a good guy overall. Just because he is wanting to take it slow does not make him a bad guy. I know its easier to see it that way “he is a jerk, I dont care”, but the truth is different. He is a good person, someone I want around. I just dont know how to act now, when and if we see eachother. Rejection hurts, I just wish I knew how to put my foot down without being moody and needy. I tend to give more than I recive and this time it was different..And then this :/ Like I said he ignored my answer tonight and we havent seen eachother since last night, usually we spend the night awake and go for a morning coffee, then see eachother at the evening and then again spend the night. I know it sounds like a short period but we see eachother alot and talk during the evening, so I know something is off. I know I cant control it, and I dont try to, but I wish I knew how to react when he gets back to me via msg..Thanx guys.
kaye
This isn’t sustainable. You can’t expect to see each other every night, stay up all night and do it night after night. Eventually this sleep deprived thing will begin to affect your work and other things. And I hate to say it but usually these relationships that start our so hot and seeing each other every day and doing everything together so fast burn out the quickest.
If you don’t slow this way down and go at a steady pace and actually have a life that doesn’t revolve around him you’re going to keep seeing him fade away until he’s gone.
Sensy
When he messages you, let him know you need some time to get your balance (pulling way back). In a couple weeks, he will be tapping at your door. Let him know you have gained perspective and sleeping with him in a non committed relationship is simply not for you Then watch his actions. You MUST be consistent with your words for him to take you seriously. This is my advice since you do believe he is a good guy.
Sarah
Btw, he called and we are now going for the morning coffee, trying to stay relaxed :)
Sensy
Same soup, different day.
Options2
Sorry.
I think you are lacking dating intelligence.
Your wanting to be in love seems to dictate your thoughts and behavior. Not attractive.
A normal guy and smart man would not want to see you every night not speak to you everyday.
You are attracting the opposite. Once you realize your own pattern and unattractive quality to great man, you dating experience will greatly improved. It also means that is a smaller pool of men. You should not just date anyone that gives you the attention you seek.
Good luck.
alia
Regardless if he is a commitment phobe or not, he is most importantly behaving disrespectfully towards you, and that shouldn’t be acceptable to you. Once you treat yourself with the respect you deserve you will see others will, too. Two things will happen, they will either disappear into an abyss (good riddance), or will start treating you with more respect. This guy is as good as any for you to start practicing enforcing boundaries.
sarah
sensy and alia, thank you. Options2 – very disgusting and patronizing behaviour- why would I ever date
“anyone who gives me attention
“? I get a lot of attention from guys every day, I am asked out several times a week, and this is the second guy I dated in the last 2 years. Wouls recommend to learn to read and then comment. ANd I have had amazing relationships in my life, thank you and none of the guys broke up with me, so I dont believe they found me unattractive. The guy Im dating is super super rich, and a trader so I a guessing he is “risk minimizing”. He is 34 years old and has never had a committed relationship, has it downed on you that this thing might not me my fault? geez! For you other guys – update. We met up for a coffee couple of times and spent a very nice night on Monday, then he introduced me as A FRIEND to a random girl. I got mpissed and the mood was horrible. He wanted to go out later that night, and he was 20 minutes late and I got pissed again – he got annoyed , guess that was too much pissed off for him – although I had all right to be, and he didnt even attempt to fix it. After that I decided I was over it, I want to still be friends and work with him, and I was going to tell him I want to break off the intimacy and stop dating, but he never gave me a chance, actually HE stopped contacting me during evenings and the day. He did ask me out for a coffee but was distant and kind of in a bad mood and made me feel horrible because he was so cold. I declined another coffee after that and this morning I did go for a coffe but was very happy, relaxed casual and acted only as a friend. Not that he triend anything, but I was not giving him any room to even try and Im proud of myself. Still hurts so much, I miss him greatly :( If you have suggestions how to get him interested again, I would like to hear it…I am in love with him and it just sucks.M
was he ever that interested if he’s introducing you as a friend?
Raven
Someone stated this earlier…
Men who are into you, NEVER leave you guessing…
sarah
I am sure he was interested. He still gets in touch every day and has cofee with me, I guess he is just a confused guy, or just weird. I just want friendship at this stage, dont really know how to approach it and what to tell him. He was talking about wanting to kiss me again this morning, not getting back to me this evening tho. Nyway, suggestions are wellcome, stating guesses is in my opinion unneccesary
Sarah
Please guys, any suggestions? I really want to stay friends with this guy. I really dont want keep having sex with him and Im not interested any more, especially after he kind of hit on my friend in front of me, so now I want tips on how to stay friends and save this friendshi (AND MY CAREER!) as I am working with him right now! He does not respect my bounderies, I have tld him no, but he still tries to kiss me, grope me whenever he gets a chance. I am really not willing to lose him, but I dont want him in that way anymore, I am actually a bit repulsed with him in that way, but I love his company and would love to maintain the friendship and the work relationship…
Market
You love him. He repulses you. You’re not having sex. Wait, you are? You’re friends. You value his friendship. He’s rich, he’s a trader (“day”trader, perhaps?). He works with you now. He hit on your friend. Is he in MENSA too?
He’s a predator. Expunge him from your life.
Sarah
?! I do love him as a friend. Just because somebody is not to committ or a relationship material does not make him a bad person.. We have lovely time when we meet, I enjoy the talks and the intellectual exchange. He is not a member of Mensa, but s very intelligent and funny, does not mean I want to hve sex with him anymore. Every human is a predator, I m just not willing to be his prey anymore and ask for advice how to respectfully pull back without losing the friendship. Yes, he is a trader, and an investor, a succesful one. Not sure how this is relevant? It was for me at the time as I am sick of being the one with more money in every relationship, but now it is a great cooperation opportunity but above all, I value his friendship.
Market
All right, I wasn’t having an open mind about him because I don’t like the way he treated you during Month #1, yet that is the past. So, I would lay it out, say you value your past with him and you value your working relationship with him YET most of all you value your friendship with him. Tell him you want to keep it professional because of our commitment issues (laugh) and you’re looking forward to a great future.
You kinda have to throw fake blame on yourself and joke it off for friendship’s sake.
Most guys can’t handle full frontal honesty.
alia
Doubt you have to do much, doubt he values your friendship as much as you do his. He’s already disrespected you up and down. There is really nothing much you can do, but be normal and polite, and I would shy away from this “friendship” with him. The less involvement with someone who disrespects you, the better off you are. Pull way back as they say here and, make new friends. Stay cordial with him for work’s sake. He probably won’t even notice. If you feel social and like going for coffee, find a new coffee buddy.
Twinkie
Wow this all seems exhausting. It’s like a boring soap opera. First scene of the day…Coffee daily, talking, sorry. He clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries and he doesn’t respect you. That is not a man you want to date period. I would never date a man who doesn’t respect my boundaries. I’m very old fashioned though, maybe a bit too old fashioned but who cares. I can tell you one thing, the men I date aways respect me and my boundaries, if not there’s PLENTY OF FISH everywhere.
Sarah
Market, thannx :) I already told him, and I was actually fully honest – said I needed something he couldnt give, and that he feels that he is giving it and I feel Im not getting it doesnt change the fact that I am not satisfied, which is why I didnt want to change my opinion of him as a person by continuin to date him as I really value him. Its not his fault, nor mine, I just think its better to pull the bandaid off. He uderstood, but kept trying so I will be a bit more certain next time as we ended up hugging and falling asleep last time.
Alia, you dont call the person whos presence you dont value for coffee every day when you dont get laid – so you are wrong, I dont feel disrespected as he told me very honestly he could not offer me commitment, so I dont understand why he is such a bad guy in everybodies eyes. I have plenty of friends, but he is very , very nice guy and gret to be with, so I have no intention of not being friends if he agrees ( he already did, but I hope we can keep it up).
Twinkie, I dont want to date him. I asked how to gently stop the dating behaviour and still keep him as a friend. I have no intention of dating him for now, nor sleeping with him. I want him as a friend. As I have said no in the past, and still changed my mind, I think its natural that he is trying, but I need to be more firm.
Claudia
That guy is not confused , all he wants from u is sex….you are the one who is confused, one moment u in love, the next u just love him as a friend….this guy wants FWB it’s either ur in or ur out. But don’t expect him to love u coz that not what he wants from this arrangement
Raven
Why would you want to remain friends with someone so disrespectful … ?
Sarah
Honestly, I feel sorry for you people. You usually get intimate with people that you dont really like as human beings and wouldnt want to be friends with? I happen to ONLY get intimate with people I genuinly like and want in my life in some form, and tend to be on very good terms with my exes, unless they are abusive or disrespectful. Also, being in love and then realizing you are not on the same path and wanting to remain friends is also completely normal progession for most people, especially when you dont date for years and nobody has really hurt anyone. I am true to myself and choose not to be in a situation where I dont feel completely satisfied, but I am satisfied with our conversations and the level of communication so why would I give it up just because we dont want exactly same things right now??? Also how is not being willing to commit or showing affection towwards someone you have been intimate with disrespectful? I wanted a suggestion on how to remain friends, if you dont know, really dont see the reason to comment!
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