This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sal 5 years, 7 months ago.
April 8, 2016 at 2:39 am #523640
So my boyfriend is suddenly extremely busy with closing 3 deals simultaneously at work. His work has never been so busy earlier (we will be completing 8 months in 2 weeks) and I have enjoyed him initiating calls almost everyday and we text few times everyday too. We also visit each other every 2 months for about 1/2 weeks. While he has exactly told me what goes into closing these deals (private equity related and I understand the process). And yes, he’s devoted in the sense that he’s taken off his profile on the site that we met, introduced me to the people that matter to him etc so he’s nice and all that.
I generally asked him as to when this deal will be closed and he said it’ll go on for about 2 weeks more (it’s been 2 weeks already) While I miss talking to him everyday I do understand that work is important too. I am not proud of this but I was a little down today and I missed him and I told him that I wish we could going back to talking like we spoke earlier. He said ‘let’s try to talk every other day baby? I’m so tired on most days and just want to sleep. I’m also distracted when it comes to anything outside of work. This should end in around 2 weeks or so and then we’ll see and gave me a big kiss.
My question is (please be nice because I’m doing my best and it’s my first happy ldr) what’s the best way to deal with this and know that it’s just a busy time and that it’ll be over quickly? He seems happy to hear from me but as I said, a bit distracted as compared to before due to work.
I don’t want to upset him when he’s busy and stressed out and fight with him but I also wish things go back to normal soon. How do I deal with it? Thank you xApril 8, 2016 at 3:30 am #523644
Due to a work project my visit (to see him) has been delayed by a month too so all this is resulting in just unnecessary stress for me. Anyone here?April 8, 2016 at 4:53 am #523648
It’s natural to miss someone you’re close to, so please stop feeling guilty.
The only good way to deal with it though is to be busy doing things that you enjoy so that you aren’t focusing on missing him so much.
Are there any clubs/groups/meetups that you’d like to join? Can you arrange to see your friends more often?April 8, 2016 at 6:42 am #523663
A man’s work is his life….you are trying to pit one priority against another….don’t.
If he was a doctor and explained he had to attend conferences would you feel the same?
So, you have to face the fact that occasionally this will happen and be good with it…or leave. The choice is always yours….but changing him…that is not possible….and you will hit your head against a wall trying.April 8, 2016 at 7:08 am #523667
This is something you are going to have to deal with and accept if you want to be in a relationship with this man. My ex was in the military, gone for weeks/months at a time, so I had to suck it up and accept that this is his CAREER, and if I couldn’t support it then I need to be with a different man.
Yes, it was hard, especially when I didn’t know when we would speak (could be weeks) or see each other again (months) because we didn’t have VM, internet or cell phones at the time, so if I wasn’t home when he called, it could be another week or so until I heard from him again. Bottom line, you have to learn how to adapt, overcome, and find better ways to fill your days up so your not so reliant on him.
Get some hobbies, find a couple meetup groups, volunteer. I did which made the time go faster because I wasn’t relying on him, had to rely on myself, and that’s the type of woman a man needs to feel like a winner in life. Trust me, a man will chose his career over you if he feels your becoming too demanding of his time. A man’s work will be up and down, and if you can learn how to ride the waves, trust me, he will pay you back TWOFOLD when it calms down again :-)April 8, 2016 at 7:12 am #523668
You’ve been together 8 months. You’ll have times in a relationship where he can’t be there for you and you can’t be there for him. That’s life! I would be stressed if he was acting in a way that makes me feel less loved, but not if he was just busy at work. He’s got his work head on. Leave him to it and enjoy your life for the next 2 weeks. That’s all it is. Not months and months.April 8, 2016 at 8:23 am #523681
@Jippity: Awww, how nice of you to say that. And I think this is the first time I am missing him a lot because suddenly the pattern of communication has changed due to work but you’re right, the best way is to keep busy. Luckily, I have a lot of friends around who I am meeting often and I also spend time at the gym so that I am busy enough to miss him less :)
@Redcurlysue: This makes so much sense. ‘So, you have to face the fact that occasionally this will happen and be good with it…or leave. The choice is always yours….but changing him…that is not possible….and you will hit your head against a wall trying.’
And yes, you’re right, if he were a doctor then I’d totally understand so I will understand this too and he has even explained the whole thing to me so I should just relax and be understanding. Thank you :)
@Lane: Really? You dated a guy from the military and that’s how the communication was? I have so much respect for you and I think that itself is enough for me to just drill in some sense in my head and be mature and understanding with the situation. Because if women can deal with weeks of not talking then I really should not be making a big deal out of not talking for a day or two. I’m trying to be busy with my friends, work and the gym. And yes, my ex and I broke up because his career took away too much time and he could not deal with a career and a relationship (And he came back to me after a year because it was calm but I was already dating the current guy then and had gotten over the ex) and this guy has been really nice about the whole thing. And you’re right, he will be nice to a point but if I get too demanding he could feel like he’s made to choose between me and his career and he may pick his career so I’ll just focus on my life, send him a few happy messages here and there (and not expect him to reply in a certain way or call me often) because he likes hearing from me and has told me so and just look forward to meet him once all this dies down in a couple of months.
@Hannah: Thanks Hannah for making it sound so easy :) That made me smile because you’re right. That’s what there is to it really. And from what I see he’s doing his best to make me feel loved, ie: small things like sending text messages with kisses and words of endearment, explaining to me how the deal process works, assuring me that my work thing will go okay and that I’ll be visiting him soon etc.
So this is what I’ll do: Keep very busy with my friends, family, gym, work etc and send him a happy message or a photo of me when I feel like it and not pressure him into doing anything over the next 2 weeks?
Thank you all for making it so simple for me :)April 8, 2016 at 8:36 am #523684
I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better NYC.
It sounds like he took your feelings on board and suggested speaking every other day, so stick with that for now. Let him come to you with the communication when it’s a good time for him :-)April 8, 2016 at 8:55 am #523686
Thank you Jippity :) Yeah, so while he is stressed out and would like the communication to be organic I think he suggested the ‘every other day’ thing because of my feelings and because I am used to talking every day. You mean let it be the whole ‘Every other day thing’ till he suggests something else? I mean when I feel like sending him a picture or just checking on him, I can, right?April 8, 2016 at 8:57 am #523687
Is there an end in sight to this LDR? You are at 8 months?
I have a different take on this. Frankly ldrs don’t bond two people together. In Lanes case she was married or already had a strong bond.
I eleven this isn’t the first time you have posted on here with this issue?
Clearly it’s not working. It’s too soon in a relationship to be down so often and either a LDR with lots of space works for you or it doesn’t.
Is there a planned end game where you will move closer? If not, than it seems you are doomed to these ups and downs indefinitely. There isn’t anything wrong with his work keeping him busy, but if the distance were not there you could at least spend more time together. I doubt he is flat out 24/7.. No one is.April 8, 2016 at 9:02 am #523689
Hi Claire: Thanks for your message. Nah, this is the first time I am posting here because this is the first time that this is happening. Yes, there is an end date to this. Around 4-5 months from now, I’ll be moving to his city.April 8, 2016 at 9:05 am #523690
Then let it go.April 8, 2016 at 9:07 am #523692
Okay :) and after 2-3 weeks if it still says busy then maybe we can have a talk?April 8, 2016 at 9:10 am #523693
Yeah, let him come to you. He seems to care about you and your feelings so he’ll make time for you when he can. Just hold off on texting him and let him initiate while in this busy period. I too go through busy times with work and I like to just get on with it and contact the people I need to contact when I’m taking a break.
I actually have my phone on silent while I work and just check it when I’m ready to check it. If he can’t do that then I’d just leave him alone, don’t interrupt or break his concentration and let him contact you when he’s ready.
I know you miss him, but it’ll only be like this for a couple more weeks, so just keep busy and you’ll be fine :-)April 8, 2016 at 9:16 am #523695
Thank you so much Jippity :) and as I read your message, I just got a text from him that said ‘hope you had a nice day sweetie. Kisses’ so yes, I’ll just reply to him and let him be because it seems like he’s doing his best. And yes, it’s just a couple more weeks. Yay :)April 8, 2016 at 9:19 am #523696
Here is the problem I have. I was in a LDR for over a year. It was that mans idea to call and talk everyday, if even for a few minutes. He traveled every week for business and was very busy on and off planes and different time zones.
I was also in a relationship for 2 years where the man worked hard, and used the same excuses yours did, he was so busy, no time, yada yada… I was the understanding gf. Gave him his space. And while I missed him, kept myself busy and of course got very happy and excited when he made whatever megar time for me. It turned out after we broke up he was cheating, seeing plenty of other women, and while busy didn’t have any problem working in social activity. Just not with me.
Even when we moved close and lived together, he was going out for ‘business’ things, on his phone a lot, etc.
My point is this. If a man wants to make you happy and wants to keep communication going he will make the effort to do it without prompting, IMO. The type of man you have to ask or remind or beg for contact with, is a red flag to me. Unless in jail or the military, no one is too busy to keep in contact these days.
In Lanes case, I believe, they didn’t even HAVE texting at the time. Now we have text, phone, Skype, emails, etc…so what’s his issue?April 8, 2016 at 9:23 am #523697
And while I know I sound beyond negative.. I used to get excited by a stupid text message too. If that’s all th effort it takes to make you happy and feel better I would suggest you file that away in ur head for future consideration.
In your case it may be fine, but if you are craving his attention, finding yourself down for hours or days because of it, and one txt makes your world? That sounds sad…on many levels.April 8, 2016 at 9:24 am #523698
No, NYC, I was married to this man for over 20 years. For background. we had a one year separation, both in the military stationed overseas at the time, whereas I got orders to one state (west coast), him another (northertier), and told him to “have a nice life”. He without my knowledge, and on his own volition, got his orders changed to where I was but had to extend at the overseas base we were at in order to make it happen.
I actually broke up with him around the 8th month as I had lost feelings, and started dating again. A few month’s later when he arrived to where I was, I was already with someone else, but he called me on my birthday and asked if I would pick him up from the airport next week. I was hesitant to do so at first, but being a good ‘comrade’ I agreed. When we saw each other it was if the year didn’t happen, and literally picked right back up where we left off!
Even with the advent of the internet our communication was minimal (once or twice a week) because it becomes super mundane if you don’t have anything “new” or “interesting” to talk about. We would catch up but I left out a lot of details where it came to the homefront when he was overseas for months at a time because I didn’t want him worrying about things I was on top of and taking care of. I was too busy to engage in idle chit chat with him as I worked, had to take care of the kids, deal with all the home stuff (chores, shopping, yard, cleaning, bills, birthday parties, sports/activities, etc.) while I left him alone to deal with the ‘mission” that he needed to focus on. Like I said, its something you will have to adapt to, and overcome, if you want to survive in a relationship.April 8, 2016 at 9:45 am #523702
Ummm, okay first of all let me make it amply clear that I have never had to ‘beg’ him to call me or any such thing, ever. Right from the start of the relationship he has called me everyday even if it is at least for a few minutes. He even makes it an effort to be in touch with my family every once in a while and his family with mine/ me. This is the first time that he is doing 3 deals together and he said that instead of talking everyday, if it’s okay if we talked every other day. and I have lived with him for a month or so and my family is friends with his family so I know that he is definitely not using his time to speak with other women or any such things. In 8 months, if 3-4 weeks get busy then I don’t see a problem with me telling him that I miss talking a lot and him doing his bit to keep me happy by including long skype sessions over the weekend etc.
Lane: Thank you for sharing your story and kudos to you for having dealt with it so well :) And you’re right, it’s something that I’ll have to adapt to and overcome if I want to survive because this is not a movie lolApril 8, 2016 at 9:47 am #523703
And one more thing, I never ‘find myself down for hours’. It has happened for a day or two during the course of my 8 month old relationship and I am human. Additionally, if he acted funny often then I would have dumped him a long time back like I dumped some f*ckboys :PApril 8, 2016 at 10:03 am #523707
Okay, tell you what? Does he keep you happy 80% of the time? Are you not asking for his time/ attention most of the time? Is this the first time that he is so busy? Is he still sounding as loving as before? Do you trust him? Is there end to the LDR?
If your answer is yes to all of the above then you’re fine. Every relationship has ups and downs and you have to deal with it if you want to be one. Also there is no guarantee of a future in any relationship (even marriage) so you do you and you do your best and you learn from your mistakes. Don’t plan so much on every little thing. Keep busy and do what makes you happy and respect his busy schedule and give him space when he deals with it.
I think you are doing okay. The more you think about it, the more you’ll obsess and that’s a waste of time.April 8, 2016 at 11:23 am #523732
“my ex and I broke up because his career took away too much time and he could not deal with a career and a relationship”
What is different between your relationship with your ex and your current guy?April 8, 2016 at 11:58 am #523742
NYC, everything sounds fine hun, please don’t worry.
I’m glad he messaged you, it sounds like he’s taken your feelings on this seriously. That’s lovely.
It sounds really promising to me :-)April 8, 2016 at 12:12 pm #523745
while mine is not LDR it may as well be :)
we live about 45mins away, he works for the gov’t and owns his own biz. talk about ‘adapt and overcome” I’m doing it for the past 1.4 years. EASY NO WAY….REWARDING Hell YES!!!
He is actually contemplating closing down or reducing his biz due to health reasons and to begin living a ‘normal’ life where he is actually off on weekends so we can do more things together. Up til now, its been nuts and like the posters have said so clearly his career is his life. other than children, nothing will come close and if he’s not fulfilled in this area, naught else matters. He always comes to my place due to me having the kids majority of the time and he works near my home…….that being said..
I’ve come to a greater respect for him after reading this forum and the various experience woman have in this area. But to answer your title, deal with it best by doing just what your doing. Having a life outside of the relationship is key. For me I work and have two very active and rambunctious kids under 10 so no problem keeping busy. when I do have ‘down’ time I usually binge Xfinity or do some light retail therapy, mani/pedi etc. unfortunately my ‘circle o friends’ is so small and so is he, so if we’re not at work we’re usually home.
One thing to keep in mind and it helps me tremendously is that he is in love with me and is excited about a future together, all of his conversations are geared towards us building a life with one another and that puts a smile on my face any day. He never fails to let me know what a ‘gem’ he’s found in me and once his ‘schedule’ starts to make more sense he jokes that I won’t be able to get rid of him for the ‘free’ time he’ll have on his hands :).
But everything is a process and takes time so when I’m not with him its these thoughts that keep me going: Our last convo, his last text, his last joke that made me laugh til tears. etc etc etc. all of this is what and how I deal with it best.April 8, 2016 at 12:28 pm #523747
NYC, I know it’s easier said than done! He sounds like a great boyfriend going through a busy time. Don’t worry! Just be there for him without putting any pressure on. You have no idea how much a man appreciates a woman that doesn’t get needy and add stress to his life when he’s already stressed!
I get what Claire is saying. I’ve had a guy who was always busy and there was always an excuse. I have a feeling he was up to shady things as well. But for you, this is a temporary thing. Assuming all goes back to normal, it will be fine in a couple of weeks.
One thing though. When he does become free, remember he’s had a stressful few weeks. Don’t be offended if he wants some time to himself. My work is project-based and I have to neglect everything sometimes to make deadlines. When I’m finished, I just need a few days to unwind, clean my house, get up to date with everything, etc.