This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Zoe 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
January 15, 2021 at 8:02 am #837239
I started seeing this guy about a month and a half ago that I met online. We went on at least 9 dates in that time (at least 2 times a week) and he was calling every other day, we’d have hour conversations, etc and everything just felt really natural and comfortable with him. Although he didn’t have exactly what I was looking for, he was a good guy and because of chemistry I figured why not give him a chance. We never had sex although we were intimate and I liked the he wasn’t rushing me or over eager. The one downside was he recently got out of a long term relationship (they broke up a year ago) and I could tell he was still upset about it. He doesn’t have any family or friends here and is quite alone and I know that gets to him.
After all of this time we had been spending together I had decided to ask him what he saw for his future (I.e would he ever be interested in a relationship down the line). When I tell you I saw a different side of him. He got completely defensive, said it was an uncomfortable conversation, etc etc. Something along the lines about he thought it was clear from the beginning that he wasn’t interested in something serious and just a whole bunch of other things that I was thrown off by. He started off by saying that I’m too focused on the future and all I care about is finding a husband (mind you the only time I’ve talked about a husband is when he asked in the beginning if I want to get married) and how I overthink relationships and am just so future oriented and he doesn’t understand why. He also said that I am someone who has a fantasy idea of love and that I’m going to “die alone” if I keep that mentality. He said someone other stuff but that is the gist of it. The craziest part is that when he says these things, he is so calm almost as if he is really trying to give you advice or help you that you don’t even realize he’s insulting you. I told him that just because he has a bad experience in love he doesn’t have the right to break me down or tell me what I’m looking for is unattainable just because he can’t give it to me or think that exist. And although now looking back their were slight signs, mostly the bitterness towards his ex ending things, I just never imagine it going this south or him getting that upset and saying those things just because I asked where this is going?
So anyways, after being completely thrown off and deciding I can no longer see him, he calls me 2 days later to apologize and say he realized what he said was wrong and didn’t mean it and all these other things. I told him it still doesn’t make it right. He said he wants to still be friends but honestly I just don’t think I should. He is new to this city and has no family and friends here so I know he will probably reach out because he doesn’t have others but I just don’t think he even deserves friendship.
But now I just feel really discouraged, I’m 30 (so is he btw even though he just acted like he was 12) because it’s just so hard to date as it is, I had a long term relationship that ended 4 years ago and since then I haven’t met many people or even been approached by many men to date. I tried online because I figured that the only way right now and these are the type of. people I keep attracting. It’s honestly just sad and disappointing, not to mention I really liked this guy and I am somewhat hurt that it turned so negative when it was going so well. How do you stay motivated to date when it feels hopeless?January 15, 2021 at 8:38 am #837241
Hi Aurora, if I were you, I will delete his number right away. At the beginning of connection, people tend to disguise, pretending to be the person they are not. And it is natural that the veil slips eventually and reveals the true self. I gotta say, you have dodged a bullet. This guy is certainly problematic and has tons of garbage. Rmb – You are not a charity and here to offer free emotional shelter.
Regarding the discouraged feeling you have, I want to reassure you that you are not alone here. I have had that feeling, even the ‘eligible’ girlfriends in my circle who are beautiful, smart and confident have been through that. Technology has enabled easy hookups…the dating dynamics has become complicated. From your text, I can see you are a genuine and kind person and my advice to online dating – don’t ignore any red flags and talk yourself out of them. I havent had much luck in online dating and whenever a connection goes south, I can always trace back to the red flags. Also, try not to fixate your mind on dating. Focus on yourself. Do things that makes you happy. You dont need a date/bf/husband to validate your self worth. You can be single but live a fulfilling life with freedom and chances too.January 15, 2021 at 9:21 am #837246
Dont get discouraged because of this guy. It was only two months of your life and he wasnt even your type. Its really when we lower our standards odd ducks fly in. But i think you handled it really well. You asked a fair question and recognized the bs he threw back at you. Maybe he did gave you a disclaimer early on, maybe he didnt. But at least now its clear. I would also lose his number like lesley suggestedJanuary 15, 2021 at 12:51 pm #837268
You asked, “How do you stay motivated to date when it feels hopeless?”
First you take a break. Replenish your optimism through self care, time with friends, give yourself reminders of your awesomeness and that you can trust your gut.
Then try again. Maybe stay a little detached in the beginning, let them show you who they are. And when you do meet someone you want to get to know better, remember they aren’t all the same.
And also… that guy seemed to be taking his own sh** out on you, and it had absolutely nothing to do with you. Let him own and carry around his own garbage. Don’t let it take up space in your heart and brain, shake it off. How nice he apologized. That doesn’t mean you owe him anything and I think it’s wise for you to not be friends with someone like that.January 15, 2021 at 2:03 pm #837287
Yikes. He sounds a headache. I’m 38 and been online dating more years than I care to count (5 since my divorce!) it’s tough out there. You’re young and sound kind. There are a lot of misguided men out there looking for whatever they can find, from an ego stroke to casual sex / validation to a good old mindf%>$…. A minority of good guys are online and looking for a relationship. They exist. To keep hopeful I agree a level of detachment is needed. Pay attention to early conversations. Ask early what a guy is looking for. If he says he isn’t looking for a relationship, believe him. If you continue to date him hoping he will change his mind, prepare to be disappointed and he will feel it’s been ok to get whatever you offer in the meantime as he told you from the start. You’re not there to be his friend after the way he attacked you – completely unfair to project on you that way. Red flags 🚩 everywhere. In the meantime, write down all your great character traits and what you look for in a partner. What’s non negotiable and meet men on your level only. Wish you well xJanuary 15, 2021 at 2:34 pm #837289
So much great advice here! I feel like what this guy said to you was pretty vicious. It was a very personal attack. I wouldn’t want to be “friends” with someone like that either. He could very well fly off the handle at you about other things.
I love what mama said about owning his sh*t, let this guy keep his own garbage. It’s not your baggage, it’s his. It sounds like he’s still bitter over his breakup and it was unfair of him to take it out on you.
I totally understand feeling discouraged and disappointed. You’ve received some really great advice here about taking breaks from dating as needed, replenishing yourself, focusing on other aspects of your life (hobbies, friends etc). There are good guys online, I met my bf online and we’ve been together 3 years now. So it happens. You just have to be true to yourself and what you want. Take care of yourself and don’t let experiences like this get you down.January 16, 2021 at 2:57 am #837373
Block him, never consider a man thats not on the same page with you. He sound like an a8hole. Believe him