Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Angry and Upset- Not Sure How to Deal
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tammy.
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Gaia
tammy- It was like catching up with an old friend at first because it was. We knew each other in high school as we had same group of friends but we didn’t hang out with each other. We were fb friends for years though. Then he asked me out for a beer. I wasn’t sure if it was a date or not so always refer to it as our meet and greet. We sat and talked for a couple hours. He then started asking me out on dates. He took me on one of the best dates I’ve ever had. Then it turned out we had things in common so started doing those things together. It wasn’t intense love at first sight. It was kind of a slow, steady build up. The attraction was there and it skyrocketed because we could laugh together a lot. Other than the disappearance act he is really a good man overall. But I don’t think he’s the man for me at this point. I need someone who cares after a year together. And at this point I deserve better. Someone who is willing to talk to me, check up on me when my car is broke down, and isn’t afraid to have feelings.
tammy
i dint post correctly. i meant how was it when you guys met recently. as in the past couple of months or so. did you feel things were dragging? he was not quite there even when you were together? yes i agree. he needs to take all the steps to bridge the gap now. you have always met him more than halfway. its important to hold your own so that you learn once and for all what he does to get you back and keep you in his life. so far hes had it quite easy.
Gaia
Oh I’m sorry I misunderstood. This time around was even better than the other two times. It felt like home when I was with him. I don’t know if that makes sense or if there is a better way to describe it. He was putting in effort, doing all kinds of things/projects for me (I’m almost positive his love language is service), and opening up emotionally instead of being closed off. He showed up for family dinners, holidays, etc. He made me art projects (a wood burning of the house from Up was an xmas present) & building me things for the event I’m doing in Nov., was doing little things at my house to make my life easier, and asking me out on dates. Our year anniversary for dating was July 4. We went to the same place as the year before and had a great time. I was overjoyed because we had a solid year with only a minor fight.
Probably why I’m so hurt and livid now. I wouldn’t have stuck around with someone who didn’t care about me at all. And it really feels like he doesn’t care about me right now.
tammy
maybe hes going thru some crisis due to which he is acting this way? u have tried to talk to him but he has rejected that. from what you say, i feel that he will connect. maybe when he realises that this time you are not going to try to communicate anymore and he has to make the effort to bridge the gap. wait for a week or so and see if he connects? if he doesnt than you know you have no option but to put this behind and move on.
Maddie
Even if it’s a crisis, she deserves better than a guy who defaults to running away in crisis mode (which he already has shown a pattern of doing). He’s in his 40s, he shouldn’t take it out on her if he is going through something.
Gaia
Just an update: it’s over. I confronted him yesterday and got my stuff back. Glad I did because I would have been in limbo for I don’t know how long. He says something is broken in him and he wants to be at the same level as me but he can’t be. He cares for me but can’t say he loves me or wants me to stay in his life. He said I deserve better than him because something is just wrong inside him. There was a lot said but it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day I need someone who loves me and can show up. Today my office burnt down. I’ve been with my team and bosses all day. The fire destroyed everything we’ve put blood sweat and tears into. I guess he saw it on news. He texted to tell me he was glad no one was hurt. He didn’t show up though. Not that I needed the final nail but it was the last nail in the coffin for me.
Maddie
Ughhhh, I’m so sorry. I’d typed up more in my response yesterday, expecting him to eventually come back and say something very similar to what he ended up saying (giving you a lame “it is me not you” but not taking any real responsibility), but decided it wasn’t helpful and deleted it. But maybe it is helpful in regards to, you’re not alone in this experience, it’s not your fault, and this behavior is very common to his specific set of problems. And I’m sorry it took him a year before he flaked out, rather than finding out sooner. Like I said, I had the same thing happen after about a year (down to “can’t say he loves me”), but stupidly re-engaged with him a year later and ended up in one more go around which completed my training in cutting out wishy-washy men!
Just remember, as you move on, that not everyone is like him and there eventually will be good guys out there if you decide to eventually search again.
I’m actually more sorry about your office, that’s truly terrible (moreso than losing a guy who doesn’t deserve you). Things are tough professionally all over right now, I hope you can rebuild. But it’s a lot of $h*t hitting the fan at once, so take your time and be kind to yourself.
tammy
so sorry to hear about your office. hope you guys can pick up again soon. atleast noone was hurt.
about the guy, sorry to hear but you knew that something was not quite right. instead of assuming its closure based on his behavior and walking away, you have now got proper closure this time. take this as a positive pls. i think you have given this man enough chances and this is it. the end. i think you should now just block him everywhere and start life afresh as you have shown the tendency to keep taking him back. block him, grieve and move on. You will now have to channelize all your efforts and thoughts in rebuilding your office. so all the best for that.
Liz Lemon
I’m sorry Gaia! I’m sorry about what happened this guy, and about your office. With regards to the relationship, at least you got to have a conversation with him, which will help you with closure. It would have been really cr@ppy if he had totally ghosted you. As much as it hurts, now you can totally close the door on this man and not look back. About your office, I’m so sorry about that and I hope you and your team can bounce back relatively quickly. Best wishes and good luck to you.
mama
Holy bananas. :( I’m sorry to hear about both of these events.
To be honest you were making a lot of excuses for your guy but getting angry and resentful the whole time. The thing about needing a man that shows up — How many times did he not show up for you in the past where you made excuses for him and pretended it was fine. It was not fine. He was going to push that line as far as he could and now you’ve had enough.
You have to be okay with letting your standards be known before you’ve had “enough”. And taking action to walk away when someone doesn’t meet those standards rather than making all these excuses. It might help cut down on your own suffering, resentment and anger.
I’m sorry for all of your pain from large parts of your life right now, and wish you healing and recovery and to come back stronger from both. I guess these are times where keeping a current gratefulness list might be helpful. (When I am at my lowest, I find keeping a running list of all the things I’m grateful for helps my perspective. Sometimes there are things that get repeated and it helps me figure out my priorities when I look back at my list.) You are a great presence on this forum, so I hope you find some time to come back and let us know how you are doing.
Gaia
Thank you everyone.
I’m not planning on going anywhere. Not sure about giving advice right now though. I’m still struggling with understanding what happened. I just don’t get how you could be with someone so long and not care if you ever see them again. I feel like I got used and would have continued to be used for who knows how long. It sucks but I’m getting through. I basically was already without him for 2 weeks prior to the confrontation so it’s not as bad as it was the first 2 times around.My focus is on helping my bosses and team get through this ordeal. We are all lucky to be alive and thankful that we never gave up the office we were renting previously. So we still have a place to work. And some of us are able to work from home. We got used to that with covid. We are all just readjusting now. It’s not been an easy week and it’s only Tues. I wish I had someone to turn to hold me and let me cry. My best friend is moving out of state next month and doesn’t understand why I was even with my bosses at the fire on Sunday. She works for a big corp where I work for a small business and this was our newly renovated building that we busted are a**es on.
Bright side is I did get my car back so I’m back to being mobile.
Maddie
“I feel like I got used and would have continued to be used for who knows how long.”
It’s difficult, but it’s not a negative reflection on you, he wasn’t using you. It doesn’t feel good to be with someone who can’t grow further into a relationship, but just because he didn’t have the capacity to give you more doesn’t mean he was using you.
What it boils down to is, he has mental health issues he hasn’t dealt with. He was managing them for a while trying to show up for a romantic relationship, and as things got more serious, he couldn’t keep it together. And when that happens with him, he withdraws instead of looking for connection or help. The sense of being used, I think, comes from how you’re interpreting his lack of emotional availability. He’s numbed out to avoid his issues for now, but his issues being undealt with will very likely come back to haunt him later. And by then, you may or may not ever know about that happening for him, but you’ll have moved on in a healthy way instead of staying stuck like he is so it won’t matter.
It’ll get better, but it will take time. Especially for the blindsiding to wear off.
bookgirl
Maddie, I have to say… you continually give such kind, wonderful, and compassionate advice to people, regardless of situation. It’s impressive. I just wanted you to know! ☺️
Maddie
Aw shucks. I’ve just made every single mistake already lol. Years ago I’d read message boards for advice, and things are crappy enough for everyone with the pandemic, happy to pay it forward if I can!
Gaia
Got a bit of a gut punch yesterday. This dude is a slimy, lying piece of excrement. It turns out for he was cheating for the better part of the relationship. The other woman sent me a message and I answered her questions. Turns out he’d been seeing her on certain days and me on the others. We shared screen shots for confirmation. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the office fire and felt I was moving on. Then she sent me these messages. I told her I felt blindsided and very angry. I then wished her luck because she wanted to call him out for being a cheater but she was in love with him so she didn’t know what she was going to do. I told her she deserves better and that he’d probably do it again. She was very upset because he had met her family and her kid was going over for dinners. I told her I was doing the same or had been up until we split on the 24th. I told her he has no respect for her if he was sleeping with us both, that he’s obviously been lying to both of us, and that he is extremely shi**y for putting his kid in a bad position where she was keeping us a secret from each other. Then I wished her luck and the best.
I went out with a man I connected with in the past week from elementary school (we used to ride bikes together and he just moved back to the area). We had a great time and he helped the anger calm. It’s the best way to describe it. But while we were out my ex’s daughter texted me asking why I hadn’t been around and was I okay. I feel bad but I texted her back honestly that she should talk to her dad, he was seeing me and another woman and that I loved her very much but wasn’t going to be around.
A part of me wants to say something to him but the other part of me doesn’t want to give him anymore of my headspace. I feel like I got so used and I just don’t understand why. It’s sick and twisted to do that to someone. Just needed to get this off my chest. I’m going to do my best to put the wasted year behind me.
Maddie
F— him! While I still think he has an insecure attachment style and prior life issues to explain why he makes these choices (the why he did this to you, and it’s ALL him NOT you), I didn’t expect to hear he’s also just a cheating @$$hole :( No wonder therapy didn’t work for him, he likes being a sleezebag and getting away with it! I’m so sorry. He got snippy with you because he could only balance his lies if you stuck to his schedule, and then he deflected when you might have caught him.
Don’t confront him. Even if the other woman stays stuck instead of calling him out, his daughter will probably say something. Someone will, he’ll find out you know, and there’s nothing more you need to engage with about. Leave him behind because you deserve so much better.
Always better not to understand people who act this way, I say, because that means you don’t relate to how someone can do awful things to others. I think you’ve handled this very well so far, and I’m sorry again. Take things slow with the new guy since you’ve got some open wounds, but it’ll be nice to explore a new connection, friendship or otherwise, with someone who hopefully is a normal person. (Which means if he starts talking about a chaotic past and then getting dodgy and vague, run away!)
Gaia
Maddie-
Thanks! That’s just what I needed to hear. I’m just hanging out with the new guy as a friend. I’m too freshly wounded and sadly so is he. We both are just leaning on each other for friendship while dealing with our baggage. We’ve both talked about our pasts and it’s not even close to the chaotic mess of the ex. I promise I will run away if I even get a whiff of a red flag, heck I’m not sure I could handle a yellow flag at this point.Sophia
Gaia,
I just wanted to let you know I commend you for the way you’ve handled every aspect of that nonsense.
You are an example to me on how to stand up for myself and take the high road.
For what it’s worth, from a faceless reader/writer on this site, I am very proud of you. I hope you are, too.
💛Gaia
Sophia- thank you so much ❤
Liz Lemon
Ugh, what a scumbag, I’m sorry Gaia! At least you have a full picture now, of what a piece of crap he is. The cheating is bad enough, but also the fact that he’d drag his daughter into it speaks volumes about his character, in my book (and not in a good way). Especially since from what you said before, she’s had several adults in her life that have failed her (mom, stepmom). And now to have you, a positive loving adult, yanked away… ugh. The kids in this situation wind up being the collateral damage. It really sucks. You think he’d want to protect her but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
I agree that you’re handling this with grace and dignity. Again, I’m really sorry! Feel free to vent here if you need to.
Gaia
Admin- I swear I posted and I think it’s stuck in the queue.
tammy
what a horrible horrible man. you were thinking that something was not quite right and hence you posted your concerns here to get an objective view. well shows that your instincts were working well. next time when your instincts shout out at you, pls do listen. i liked the fact that you managed to not get into the drama after learning his truth post break up. it takes a lot of guts, resolve and the strict determination to not get involved in bad drama.
at least you did better than me. :-). i had met this guy in the past who suddenly pinged me a few days back. we had seen each few times in the past when once over a disagreement he just blocked me. seems he got covid and it was quite serious. while he was in icu, he thought he should apologise to people in his life that he had wronged. and hence the apology. i had always felt something off about this guy in the past. so when he connected with me again, one of the first things he asked was if i was seeing someone. i was quite irritated at the question and so i lied to him and said yes. why should he ask me about my status when he had blocked me. am sure he was just fishing around as he was single and bored. he is currently at home and recuperating from covid. after few days, i politely messaged and said hope hes now doing well and better. once again instead of talking generally, he said how is your bf tammy? i straight on told him that that’s none of his business and that this reconnect is a bad idea. and blocked him. atleast you managed to avoid all this.
Gaia
Tammy- I’m sorry he sounds like a flake. You are better off lol
I posted yesterday but I guess it is still held up in the queue or something. I stayed out of the drama but both of them appear to want to bring it to me. Short and sweet: I cleared out all the gifts he gave me, put in a box and put a note on the box. No names were mentioned but it wasn’t a nice note but as polite as I was willing to be. It said it was for sale to anyone other than the lying scum who gave it to me and I signed with love from the woman who was asked by the mistress not to post on social media then I hoped they got what they deserve. I woke up yesterday to messages from her and then from him about how I was psycho, he doesn’t love me, and that it shows my character to call him a liar. She is the one that sent me proof! I’ve been moving on and minding my own business enjoying life with a friend. But both contact me to say I’m the psycho? I sent both back a message that I don’t want him, that they were contacting me after stalking my personal page when neither of them are friends and that they should keep their misery to themselves as I have no part in it.
I don’t understand what is wrong with people. Seriously, they made their choices why send me messages at all? No names were mentioned so guilty conscience? I blocked both on social media.
Liz Lemon
I’m confused, what did you do with the box? Did you give it to him, or post it on social media, or something? The way I read your post, you put it on social media?
I still think he’s a turd, but….it’s clear your actions were intended to provoke. Surely you see that? Whether you mentioned names or not, you were hoping for some kind of reaction, right? If you truly didn’t, you would have just thrown away his gifts. No note about lying scum, no putting it on blast online. No need to make a show or production of it. Right? Hopefully you see my point :-)
Having said that– it’s okay! I know you’re hurting. It’s normal to want to get back at him. I’m only pointing this out because you seem shocked that they reacted. It doesn’t surprise me at all. They saw it as an attack. It was intended as an attack. The best way to prevent future drama like this is to not post stuff on social media about it– nothing at all. That’s what moving on and minding your own business really is.
Anyway, at this point, they don’t matter– I’m glad you’ve blocked them both. It sucks so bad and it’s really $hitty what he’s done. I hope you have support from friends and family. Take time to grieve, and heal. I hope you don’t feel attacked by my comments, they are not at all intended that way– I’m just trying to help you see how you contributed to this particular dynamic, and hopefully avoid future drama.
Gaia
Liz- I do see that but honestly expected it to be in person at the flea market not online. I was doing a purge and well I’m so sick of being the bigger person and taking the high road. This one didn’t deserve anything from me. And I think more women should put lying cheaters on blast. Maybe it’ll make a difference to the next woman he tries to mess with. Maybe it won’t but I’m truly ok with my actions.
It made me feel better, was on my personal fb page, and was what I needed to do. The way I look at it is I spoke the truth and both of them felt guilty or she was trying to get him to prove he wasn’t lying or something. If they are so happy with their choices to be together they have no reason to contact me, be looking at my page or any reason to check up on me in any fashion.
I don’t feel attacked and I do see your point. I’ve taken the time to grieve. The relationship was already ending and over when she brought the cheating stuff to me. The box was the last thing I felt I needed to do to make my mind right. He isn’t worth my tears.
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