Angry and Upset- Not Sure How to Deal


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  • #897448 Reply

    Gaia

    Hey Everyone,
    I’ve been with my bf now for a year. Just celebrated it a couple weeks ago. I thought things were going well and that we were on the same page with a lot of things. We didn’t have our first real fight until 2 weeks before our anniversary. The fight was about being inconsiderate and I felt it needed to be addressed. I’d show up at his house but he’d be late working or out doing something else without letting me know. I should note that for the past year we have a pretty steady routine of me meeting with him on Wed nights for a few hours and for a few weeks in a row he either went straight to bed or didn’t get home from work until about 2 hours after the normal time I’d be there. I felt he could save me a trip by sending a text saying either he was going to be late or was not feeling it for company. We both got irritated with each other but decided we’d figure it out together. The following weeks were way better. Communication improved and I thought we were back to normal. Until the week before last…

    My son had stuff going on so I switched days that I’d go to see him. Saw him on a Tues. Found him sleeping in his truck. It’s been hot and he’s outside in construction all day so it caught up to him. I woke him up enough to get him inside, gave him a kiss, asked briefly about plans on the upcoming Saturday (he said he’d let me know), and left him alone by going to a friends house. Everything still seemed normal. Wednesday my car started giving me trouble by Thursday I had to tow it to a mechanic. Now, my guy is a car guy and had fixed something on my car the Sat prior to it giving me issues. I thought he’d text/call to ask what was going on. He didn’t. By Saturday I still hadn’t heard from him and was still car less. So at like 7pm I texted him asking if he was alive. Because now I was worried. He normally doesn’t go so long between texts. About an hr later got a message that he was working on a side job. I asked about it briefly then asked if I was going to see him. No response. Next day I asked again. No response. Finally Monday I said… please respond what’s going on. I got that he was wrapped up in his own thing. I expressed that I was concerned he was ghosting and feeling like he was being inconsiderate of me. He responded.. “I’m not going to argue. your right. sorry i canceled on plans we made… oh wait we didn’t have plans. yes i missed your text because i was busy working or tired from work. wow I know that’s a first for me.”

    I’m livid. I haven’t heard from him since. I did respond to the text saying wow I was just asking for a little communication and that text saying he was busy would have sufficed. And obviously if he had time to set up a side job, he could have found time to communicate with me that he was busy.

    Anyway, I know this is long but I’m so angry and upset. I don’t know how to fix it or if it’s something that can be fixed. And I don’t think I’m wrong for being hurt and upset that in 5 days he couldn’t even check on me to see if I needed anything or if I was ok.

    Thanks for letting me vent.

    #897467 Reply

    tammy

    give him space and let him revert. he will i think.

    #897471 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    This sucks Gaia :-( I’m sorry. It sounds like the issue you had a few weeks back has not really been resolved. That is, the problem of his being inconsiderate to you and not communicating.

    I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and upset. I would be too, in your shoes.

    I agree with Tammy that you should sit back for a bit and let him reach out. Could it be something is going on with him at work? Could he be having financial issues? You mention a side job, does he commonly work side jobs or does he have some pressing need for money now?

    You say you’ve been dating a year, how often do you see each other? Are you both happy with the rate that the relationship is progressing? I only ask because you mentioned he started more or less blowing you off for your regular Weds dates (showing up hours late, or going to sleep as soon as he got home). I dunno, maybe he is dissatisfied with the relationship in some way and not articulating it.

    Those are the questions that come to my mind when I read your post. I hope things work out.

    #897487 Reply

    Gaia

    Tammy- I’d like to hope so but I’m not sure he will. We’ve dated 2 times before in the past. The first time he was going through a divorce and it wasn’t final. Then the second time he just wasn’t in a headspace for a relationship. This is our third go round and it has been great for a full year. I was making sure his words and actions were matching this time around. I thought we worked out our issues and it was just a matter of timing before. The times we were together before were only for a few months.

    Liz- No, he doesn’t have money issues. He is pretty frugal. Makes really good money at his job. He’s had a little stress there with some new people he’s training but he always talks to me about it. Or did. He’s never been big on texting/calling. It’s every few days. That normally works for me because we’d see each other in between. We’ve been seeing each other 2-3 times a week. But my last complaint/issue when he started fading off on Wednesdays was that we should be wanting to spend more time not less time together. We also haven’t said I love you’s this time around. When I asked him a few months ago how he felt about me he said “wouldn’t you rather hear it unprompted” and so I left it because I would. Then he started telling me I was “too good for him” and my response was “why would you want someone bad for you”. Other than those brief things we don’t really talk about our relationship we just enjoy each other’s company. Or I thought we did.

    I’m really ticked about this last episode though. I want someone and deserve someone who cares enough to at least check on me when I’m stuck without a car. What if I was in an accident or the hospital? I was such a low priority that he didn’t even check my messages or deliberately ignored them. That hurts and makes me angry.

    #897496 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    The further info that you provided is helpful…it’s significant that it’s the 3rd time around for you two. Not to be harsh, but if it didn’t work out twice before, what are you expecting will happen now? Especially if you are not talking about the relationship, or being intentional about doing it differently this time around.

    I totally agree that you should be spending more, not less, time together after a year. That’s a reasonable expectation. He should be trying to make that happen, not hindering it. Assuming, of course, that he wants the relationship to progress. Could it be that he does not want the relationship to go any further? Maybe he’s worried about expectations on your part? Especially since you asked him a few months ago how he felt, and he evaded the question. It sounds like he’s comfortable just hanging out once in awhile and not having things go anywhere.

    I would be totally upset about the car too. He should have been concerned and checking in with you! I dunno, from what you’ve written I have the impression this guy wants to keep things at a certain level, and not go beyond that. Maybe it’s his “headspace” or whatever, but he is not acting like a man who wants a deepening relationship. Just my two cents from what I’ve read, not knowing the two of you or your history.

    Not sure if this is helpful :-( Again, sorry you’re going through this!

    #897503 Reply

    Gaia

    Liz- I’m thinking the same things. We did talk at the beginning of this time around about expectations and things being different. That’s why this is baffling. Because it did seem to be different and progressing up until a few weeks ago when we had the fight about inconsideration. His actions and words were matching this time. We had spoken about where we see ourselves in the future, eventually living together, and my expectations of marriage before that. I just didn’t see it at relationship/ where are we going talks because it was just natural conversation. Plus, neither of us are rushing. I have at least 1 more year where I’m at because I won’t remove my son from school for his last year. And he won’t move his daughter from her school because he feels she’s been uprooted one too many times when she was younger.

    At this point I’m pretty upset. I haven’t texted him since Monday night when I did go off at his response and called him out. The last thing I said was “what was I right about”. I still don’t have my car back so I’m not going to call, text or show up like I would normally. At this point I’m not sure he’d notice but that could just be my hurt feelings shining through.

    I do think there is something going on whether it’s he isn’t feeling it with me or just wants things to remain the way they are and I’m not supposed to get upset or express my feelings. I mean it’s been over a year, I shouldn’t have to worry if we made plans or not to hear from him. Ugh this sucks.

    #897506 Reply

    Gaia

    I also should mention I basically follow the three strike rule or the third time’s the charm motto. That’s why I’ve given him a third chance. The first 2 times it basically felt like the timing was off. His divorce wasn’t finalized and I wasn’t going to be a rebound and felt uncomfortable because even though he was separated for a year he was still married. Then the second time around there was some legal stuff with his daughter so he really couldn’t focus on a relationship and was still healing from the divorce. I gave him space. I actually got lost and ran into him this third go round so I thought maybe the universe is telling us the time was right. Up until the last few weeks it’s been good. I just don’t understand it. Probably best I don’t have my car so I don’t go confront him hot headed. I know better.

    #897523 Reply

    mama

    Gaia, you really should have put this info in your first post:

    “We’ve dated 2 times before in the past. The first time he was going through a divorce and it wasn’t final. Then the second time he just wasn’t in a headspace for a relationship. This is our third go round and it has been great for a full year.”

    You are being disingenuous otherwise. Every piece of advice that people have given you is null and void without this piece of information.

    #897524 Reply

    mama

    Have either of you done the work (therapy/counseling) between the first time and this time?

    I’m guessing the answer is NO.

    You know better. Do better. You give amazing advice to other people on this forum, how about living it for yourself? Just a thought.

    #897527 Reply

    mama

    (sorry to be so harsh, that wasn’t warranted. I’m very sorry, Gaia.) I do still stand by what I said, but I could have been much kinder. That’s on me.

    #897535 Reply

    Gaia

    Wow mama I wasn’t being disingenuous at all. I’m sorry I didn’t condense it in the mist of venting.

    I have had therapy for many years before being involved with him. He had therapy as well for himself and his daughter after his divorce. It was while we weren’t speaking or seeing each other. No we haven’t had therapy together and honestly didn’t think we needed it. Again it was going great for a year.

    Maybe I needed the bluntness and thanks for the apology. I do try and live by the advice I give. If he was behaving this way in the beginning I would have walked away. But now I feel invested and I’ve grow close with his daughter so it’s not that easy.

    #897538 Reply

    Zoe

    He was not sure about you the first 2 times he is STILL not sure about you.
    He should be chasing and worrying about you not you about him. You add to the situation by constantly pushing him into more doubt by nagging, calling too much texting too much.
    If you continue then he will step out of this relationship

    #897548 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I don’t think you’re nagging, calling, or texting too much. You’ve been quite restrained, in my opinion. In a relationship of a year’s duration, it’s not too much to expect a response to a text, or to want clarification about when you can see him (in reference to the Weds evening visits). But I do think there is something going on with him– whether he’s unsure about the relationship, or not wanting to take it any further– something is up with him. This may be his 3rd strike.

    Can I ask your ages, and how long he’s been divorced? Was it a contentious divorce? Maybe he is not really looking for anything serious. There are divorced men like that. They enjoy a woman’s company, but don’t want expectations or deep commitment. You mention that you told him you expect marriage before you’ll live with him (if I understand that correctly?)– maybe he’s getting cold feet. Especially since you have talked to him about seeing each other more, and have started having more expectations of him, it seems like.

    It sucks, I’m sorry. Hopefully he calls you today since you don’t have a car and you’re not able to make the Weds night visit. That’s the least he should do.

    #897567 Reply

    Gaia

    Zoe- ummm I don’t nag him at all. Literally said we rarely text. And I texted 3 times between tues and Saturday. He only responded because I asked if he was alive. After a year I shouldn’t be worried about under or over texting.

    Liz- yeah something is going on. I just don’t know what. Maybe he’s a coward and doesn’t know how to end it. Or just wants casual. I made it clear from the beginning that’s not what I want. I’m 41 and he is 42. I’ve never been married but was in a 17 year relationship that was abusive. He’s been divorced 2 times. The first was his daughters mother, she was into drugs, he got custody and bio mom isn’t in her life at all. 2nd ex he claimed that it was that he didn’t make time for her and so she cheated. She’s married to that guy now and also isn’t in her step daughters life due to legal issues. Both marriages were only 3-4 yrs. I don’t know if he’s getting cold feet or if I’m not it. We talked about it in the beginning that he’s open to marriage again.

    It’s frustrating and I’m pretty sure it’s over. I’m sad and angry but I know I deserve better treatment.

    #897576 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Yikes, divorced twice before 40? Not a good sign… (I’m assuming it was before 40 because you said he’s 42 & you’ve been dating a year, I assume he was divorced at least a year before you started dating this time around). Unless he’s had some therapy, or major self reflection, since his divorces.

    I’m sorry. You do deserve better. It’s cowardly of him to behave this way.

    #897590 Reply

    Gaia

    I really appreciate you talking me through this Liz. Thanks a bunch. Yes, it was a year at least. He said he went to therapy after both. He said the first one was the worst and he was having panic attacks about it even though he left. His daughter was very young. The first time we dated he was separated for over a year but it wasn’t finalized. There was a house that needed to be sold and all the divorce proceedings. We split because he got depressed and ghosted. We didn’t speak to each other for over 6 months then ran into each other at a flea market. 2nd time I walked away because he had too much going on and no headspace for a relationship. But I think I’m probably just making excuses for a man who’s never been into me enough. This time felt very different from the other 2. He was consistent for months with actions. Almost a full year at least until our first real fight.

    I’ll need closure and to get the few things I have at his house that I want back. It’s selfish but I need it for my own closure and peace of mind.

    #897618 Reply

    Maddie

    Sounds to me like he has an insecure attachment style (my opinion, based on what you said about how he’s been with the exes and with you, is fearful avoidant). It’s fairly typical for relationships that break up and reconnect / reconcile to involve at least one partner with a fearful avoidant style. While he may have gone to therapy to pick up the pieces from the divorces, that doesn’t mean they were the right therapists for him to address his role in the relationships and how he shows up for commitment, or to help him become more secure in relationships. He could have felt better and less panicked about the breakups after therapy but not grown or changed.

    When someone has an insecure attachment style, it can take a year or two to start having problems because the issues sometimes don’t come up until the relationship is getting serious ie the partner is becoming a permanent fixture in their lives. Then the person’s nervous system may get triggered into freaking out (not because of anything the partner has done, would happen with almost anyone they’re with). Stress, whether related or not, and any arguments can also cause this quiet freak out to happen, because the avoidant insecure attachment style person doesn’t have the tools to cope with stress or handle conflict in a healthy way and withdraws.

    Anyway, I don’t think it’s that he’s never been into you enough. I think he has major commitment and relationship issues stemming from his life before he met you, and he’ll continue to have these problems with future partners. It sucks because things can seem really solid for long periods of time in these situations (I’ve experienced them before too), and then communication stalls and you’re left spinning and wondering what happened. If you decide it’s over, I think what’s happening is inevitable in situations with a fearful avoidant partner that hasn’t done their work yet. And you don’t know until you find out how they do under stress and if they move towards you or away (though how he ghosted the first time is a red flag about that). But it’s more complicated than him not being that into you, and it’s not that you did anything to bring it on. He’s got a pattern you can see now: he didn’t pay enough attention to his second wife so she left (though handled it badly through cheating). Then he didn’t have the mindspace for you your second time around, so you left. So, this is what he does, and what he actually needs therapy for.

    It’s hard but better to find out if he can’t fully show up for a relationship before you move in together or legally commit. Hang in there.

    #897656 Reply

    Ewa

    when someone tells you you are too good for them , believe them . He had a reason to say it, meaning he is the bad one in this relationship not you
    to me it feels like he is already checked out of the relationship or in the process of doing it , he just wants you to get a hint

    #897742 Reply

    Gaia

    Maddie- I think your assessment might be spot on. I’ve read about attachment styles for myself and did a few of those personal development things. I have a secure attachment style and according to my bestie I’m a very low maintenance gf. I have my own life, friends and hobbies so if I don’t hear from him for a couple days it normally doesn’t bother me. My bestie thinks that I’m weird because of it and thinks it makes it easier for people to take advantage of me or take me for granted.

    I have paid attention and am seeing the recurring theme. It’s pretty much what you described. It breaks my heart and a part of me wishes I could do something about it but I don’t think there is anything I can do to change it.

    Ewa- maybe but I don’t do hints or subtlety after a year. He should be man enough to say he is out.

    At this point I’m still sad and angry but I’m coping with those emotions in healthy ways… going for walks, talking to my bestie, getting prepared for an event I have in Nov., etc.

    I still haven’t heard from him since I called him out on the b.s. on Monday. I’m actually not even surprised that I didn’t get a text, call or anything when I didn’t show up last night.

    #897780 Reply

    mama

    He SHOULD be man enough to have the talk with you but it sounds like he isn’t.

    Maybe don’t reach out for a while. A cooling off period might be best for you both.

    All that therapy doesn’t seem to be helping him in an effective way. He sounds like he’s a bit of a mess and you sound way too accommodating of all his quirks.

    #897796 Reply

    Rox

    Hi Gaia,
    It sounds like you have invested a lot of time into your boyfriend. And so, I would take a good step back for a moment. I would be totally angered as well.
    From a completely different perspective, on his end even though he doesn’t sound like he has money troubles. He is taking on more work, working late- to the point where he is exhausted.

    You said you found him sleeping in his truck, or going straight to bed. I would say, that he is not really in the mindset to be there for you, because he is not taking care of himself either. He also doesn’t seem to recognize that there is a schedule that you see him every Wednesday and wants you to clue in that he has work as his number one priority. I’m not sure if that helps, but that is what I see from your story.

    #897799 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Rox has a good point. It’s not uncommon for men who are unhappy in relationships, or wanting to escape them, to throw themselves into their work. My bf and his ex had an unhappy marriage, and he used work as an excuse to not be around the house much– constantly working long hours, taking overtime shifts, etc, as a way to avoid having to interact with her. It wasn’t even a conscious thing at the time. So Gaia, if your bf is looking for an escape from the relationship– or at least, a way to avoid confronting things– the “busy with work” excuse is not surprising.

    #897704 Reply

    tammy

    i still stand by what i said earlier. do not make a move to connect with him. you gave him two chances already. and now hes screwing the third one as well. i think he is going through some s**t and taking it out on you. you tried talking to him but he didnt entertain you. i think its important this time atleast that you stick to your ground. you have given enough chances and always let him in. this time if you want a chance to make this work, its important that he comes to you and tries to sort this mess. that would atleast show that hes putting efforts to make you stay. i know this would be hard for you but my suggestion is that this time you stay in your corner. let him make the effort to walk up to your corner. pls dont do his work. not this time. and if he doesn’t make any efforts to connect, than you know that by sticking to your corner you did right. you want a man who is ready to put in his bit of efforts to have you in his life. pls stay firm and do not initiate contact this time.

    [Mod note: tammy posted this a few hours ago, before the most recent replies, but it was caught up in the forum filter. Sorry about that!]

    #897815 Reply

    Gaia

    Rox- He usually works hard and I know it is a priority for him. I’m pretty sure I’m not even on his priority list at this point.

    Liz- Yes, I’ve wondered that as well. Is he just throwing himself into work and side jobs to avoid being with me? I don’t know. Like I said, up until the recent conflict everything was good and normal. But maybe it was because I hadn’t rocked the boat until then.

    mama- I wish I was cooling off LOL I don’t plan on reaching out to him and will give him plenty of space.

    tammy- exactly my thoughts right now. I won’t waver and I won’t contact him. It’s on him now.

    #897932 Reply

    tammy

    how was it between you two when you guys met?

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