Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I overreacting?
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Lane.
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April
So boyfriend is going to New York five weeks over Christmas to meet old colleagues and visit the university where used to work. He planned this trip before we got together, and told me before he left that he wouldn’t have stayed for so long had he known that we would be together.
A couple of nights before his departure, we had a disagreement where he got really upset with me. I had missed my birth control pill and as it was around ovulation, I wanted to use condom just to be on the safe side. He wanted to pull out. When I hesitated he accused me of not trusting him. We’ve had this discussion before and this time it killed the vibe and I could tell that he was rather cold towards me when we went to bed. He told me that he would prefer to not be in touch during the five weeks when he’s away as he’d like time to focus on himself. I felt so disappointed and cried myself to sleep. He comforted me, but didn’t say anything.
The next day, he said that he’s changed his mind and that it would have been the wrong way not to be in touch. We live in Europe and he told me before he left that he wasn’t sure whether his new European smartphone would work in the US or not. However, he said that if there’s a will there’s a way. That he would like to ring me and send me WhatsApp’s regularly. He told me he’s going to stay with a former colleague and her husband for the entire stay.
Yesterday, I got the first message from him. He told me that he’d arrived, that he really loves me and that he will be in touch within the next days. But then he added; that at least he hoped to be in touch, because promises wasn’t possible. More he didn’t say. I’ve already told him that I don’t expect him to be glued to the phone all the time, that I’m just happy whenever he has time to send me something.
What irks me is, when I was away for a holiday for two weeks with my family, it was a different game. He got upset with me when I didn’t read or reply to his messages fast enough, despite me always replying the same day and that I sent him multiple daily messages and updates. He said that he didn’t felt like a priority. But when he’s away, it seems to be a different game. I would just like him to be a bit more straightforward, saying that his phone doesn’t work so well or that he’ll be really busy for the next few days, instead of saying that he wants to be in touch within the next days, but can’t promise anything without explanation.
He also knows that I’m stressed about the fact that I might be pregnant, as we’ve not been as careful as we should the last month. I’m not yet ready for a baby, but he really wants one with me, and said he would be happy if I got pregnant now. I’m stressing a bit about this, and knowing he’s far away and perhaps even unreachable if I find out I’m pregnant, is a bit hard. It would just be some peace of mind to know for sure I could reach him.
I don’t want to be the needy girlfriend, but it’s easier to give him space if things are more straightforward. Also, I feel like different rules apply to me and him when we’re traveling. Am I overreacting or am I right to be a bit frustrated?
Better off single
You can not control what he does. You can point it out in a non invasive way that you don’t like not having regular contact. Schedule a specific time everyday or every other day to chat at least once. When you do chat, listen, keep it light hearted, and fun. Not debbie downer so scared of being pregnant bringing up memories of discomfort and confrontation. Most of the time those kind of conversations are better left not had until later and when later comes, it resolves itself.
“I’m stressed about the fact that I might be pregnant, as we’ve not been as careful as we should the last month.” Have you scheduled an appointment? Bought a pee stick? I’m sorry for your dilemma. do you have a girlfriend you can talk to about it to help alleviate some of the ruminating thoughts and fears? Why stress him out over something not confirmed as fact and ruin his trip?
Men are protectors. Providers. They’re possessive about what they hold close to their heart. Which is probably when when you were traveling it was such a big deal. He constantly needed the reassurance because he could not provide or protect you so far away. It’s different for him because his ego says he can protect himself. Something I’ve noticed about men in general, is they’re task oriented. So if the task is spending time with friends in new york that’s what his focus is on. You gave him the green light to do just that. So what exactly is the fuss about? If you’re gonna speak like an easy going girlfriend, act the part.
“I’ve already told him that **I don’t expect him to be glued to the phone all the time,** that I’m just happy whenever he has time to send me something.”
anon
I’d be frustrated.
Also…. if you do not want to risk being a single mom, do not allow a man to have risky sex with you. No pill, he uses a condom. Period. Unless you are married. Period.There are many single mom’s whose boyfriends wanted a baby when they really just wanted condom free sex.
And yes, if I thought I might be pregnant by a man who was creating distance, I’d probably be extremely frustrated by a guy being unavailable. Having a child with a man is a lot different from early casual dating.
Sandee
I”d be more worried about how he keeps pushing his agenda to get you pregnant when you’ve said you aren’t ready. And punished you emotionally when you wanted to use a condom to be safer than withdrawal and he made it about “trust.” But it seems like you’re OK with being pregnant anyway.
Also, it’s 2019 not 1819. There are many ways you two could be in touch while he’s gone. If you’re this anxious about being able to reach him and he isn’t willing to commit to contacting you on a regular basis I wonder how you’re going to do together once you have a child.
Is everybody out there crazy?
Why is the pattern in every thread of advice given to any OP, the guy never gets the benefit of the doubt? Like every boyfriend (not date or fwb) is automatically a selfish untrustworthy emotionless dbag? And the woman has to grow some balls and be this dominating, uncompromising, my-way-or-the-highway high maintenance b×tch? Take it or leave it kind of stuff. What if the woman is just overreacting selling the drama going on in her mind, and it’s not as bad as it actually is?
kaye
First of all if you were that worried about being pregnant why didn’t you use the morning after pill? Any man should know that the withdrawal method is only 80% effective in practice and while condoms are 98% effective if used correctly, the actual effectiveness is 85% so essentially you have a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant on withdrawal and about a 1 in 6 chance with a condom. So don’t forget to take your pills!! I mean set an alarm on your phone every day if you’re that forgetful. It’s not worth the stress and the chance you are taking.
The issue here is you had a disagreement before he left and he wasn’t going to contact you at all. He felt you didn’t trust him. Then he realized he overreacted, re-considered and wants to keep in touch with you regularly. The circumstances are different in your relationship than they were when you were on the trip. And so far he’s told you he arrived, he loves you and he’ll be in touch in the next days. Why can’t that be enough for you? You say you don’t expect him to be glued to the phone and are happy whenever he can talk to you so MEAN IT!!
Because right now those are empty words. You’re irked he has a different standard for you, using this maybe I’m pregnant as an excuse why he should be more available to you. I think you’re overreacting and I really doubt you couldn’t get hold of him if you needed him. The absolute best thing for you to do is to let him enjoy his time away, let him miss you and realize how much he loves you and you reconnect with family and friends who you haven’t seen as much since getting into a relationship with him and enjoy your holidays!!
April
Thanks guys, this made me reflect on myself, and I see that I’m way too much in my own head at the moment. Over thinking and making a big deal out of it. I do worry about the pregnancy issue though, and feel really disappointed with myself that I’ve been so careless with the pills. I will use the time to do my stuff and give him space. And be a lot more careful with birth control in the future.
Sensy
I hope that you see that you need to dump this guy and real quick.
Lane
I think this has more to do with him going away for quite a bit of time at a time your a bit overly emotional being that hormone’s may be spiking due to ovulation…just a possible observation.
If you’ve been together for awhile the initial *neediness* stage does usually taper off as you become more safe and secure in the relationship, so this is probably why he doesn’t need the constant communication like he did before. My BF was this way to the point it was driving me crazy but he finally calmed down as we settled into our relationship and over time he has been able to balance his constant daily need for contact from 5 – 6 times a day down to two or three lol.
I would truly take this ME TIME! Do the happy dance that you get to do what you want, when you want, anytime you want, with whomever you want (friends/family/yourself) for a few weeks. You can binge on ice cream, have the TV all to yourself, go do a gals night, work on a project you’ve been wanting to do but don’t seem to have the time, shop, have a spa day—just do your thing and have some fun! :o)
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