Am I his rebound? Is it going well?

Hey M, no worries at all! I so appreciate your generosity, your sincerity and that you put in your time & energy to help me. Sending you lots of love too 💕 💕 💕

I get what you were saying about how to better navigate with head & heart in different circumstances to de-risk. I will proceed with caution.

One of the responses from the ladies(I think Maddie) resonated with me that in an adult relationship, we should be able to communicate when there is confusion. So that’s what I am going to do. I’ll have a little chat with him on our third meeting to get a better idea of where he’s at and to tell him how I feel along with my concerns. Of course, without expectations that he’d reciprocate. I think he’ll appreciate my honesty. If he didn’t, then he’s not my guy 🤷‍♀️

Our third date is coming up this Saturday and I’ll report back!

@Maddie In one of your replies you said playing the therapist role also falls into rebound territory – could you elaborate? I thought it could be a good bonding experience that lets me know him better as well as builds emotional connections between us (given that I also share the fair amount of my stories with him)

Poppy

Adding that a therapist-patient relationship is also one-sided. The work they do is completely in service to the patient. You don’t want to develop that dynamic with a love interest.

Plus, since you’re just getting to know him now when he’s going through a tough time and don’t already have an established connection based out of knowing him when he’s feeling good about himself, that man putting you in the role of seeing him through his worst and emotionally propping him up / distracting him isn’t going to associate you with “winning” at life afterwards. Occasionally if someone is ready on their own to climb out of their bad spot, good relationships can develop when two people meet at a difficult time. But if he’s not already ready to move forward, then you’re in service to him because he can’t show up for a serious relationship right now, and that turns into a rebound.

You want to be careful not to over-intellectualize though if it turns into a way to talk yourself into staying in a situation that your gut is warning you about being a bit off. Don’t make excuses or try to date potential. See the person in front of you as they currently are. Currently, his situation and needs are quite different from yours, and you can’t force a square peg into a round hole.

Hey ladies!

Reporting back from our third meeting! We hung out for about 6 hours in total from 6pm dinner to a cocktail bar and back to my place for tea and some more chatting, ended at around 11:50pm.

No kissing! We had engaging conversations the entire evening. It was enjoyable. When we got back to my place to have tea we did discussed some heavier topics – he asked me if I’m in a good place emotionally, if I’m ready for a committed relationship. I answered yes and not sure adding that a committed relationship is essentially what I’m looking for.

I also asked him about his emotional state. He said he still feels a good amount of disappointment in his ex and he believed she might have just fallen out of love with him but didn’t have the courage to tell him so. When I asked he said he still has hopes about the relationship and admitted that he’s still hung up on her at moment.

I had great empathy for him and gave him a long hug from the couch when I saw the pain on his face. He was more welcoming this time and ran this hands on my back a few time. He said I smelled good and I’m a good hugger, with a big smile. And then I asked him to stand up to do a proper hug. We did the full-body hug and I’d suspect he had a semi hard-on;) Anyway, it was close! But nothing more.

I asked how I feels about me. He said he feels at ease talking to me, even when we don’t talk he feels relaxed, that he feels safe to open up with me and he respects a great deal of my career achievement.

I told him I like him a lot but I don’t want to be his rebound. He said he is trying to move on but it takes time and repeated that he doesn’t want to hurt me and he doesn’t want me to be his rebound. At some point I told him I’m afraid we’ve met each other at the wrong time. He told me if I met a great guy in the meantime I shouldn’t wait around for him. He said he’s not ready for a committed relationship right now even tho he does want it in the future. I told him I understand and I like what we have. He said he feels the same. We didn’t discuss if we should keep seeing each other. I think we both assumed we would as long as it’s casual.

Before he left he said looked hot in my black dress.

He texted when he got back to his place saying he really enjoyed the evening.

That’s it!

Hey Poppy, just a quick reply as I noticed your update.

I’m not really sure what to say except I wish you well of course. I think you should definitely follow his advice and date other guys. I mean really date them and vet for an amazing connection with someone who is ready to give you their all. And won’t risk losing you (and would NEVER suggest you go out with someone else!).

I know this hanging out thing with him feels good now and you’re trying to be careful but you remind me too much of patterns I’ve seen in myself and others. (And there was a lot of ugly crying involved afterwards in all of those cases.) Feelings have a habit of sneaking up on you and snowballing sometimes.

I’m sorry, I don’t think this is what you want to hear, but I think it’s cool to see him as a friend only if you’re detached and scanning the horizon for the real deal who’s ready to be on the same page as you now. This just feels too messy and like you’re playing with something that could turn ugly a little too easily.

Anyway, you need to do what you need to do and discover the right path for you in your own way. (I guess when you’ve been burnt as many times as I have, you take fewer prisoners and you look for the clean upfront stable guys that you really have beautiful potential to build something solid and comfortable and safe and wonderful with because they’re ready now, not maybe-later-or-maybe-not-later.)

No-ones perfect of course, but damaged cases have a way of using you to heal before dumping you to move on. I could be wrong of course, but this just feels all wrong.

If I hugged one of my guy friends and he had a semi-hard-on AND I was happy about it, I’d know that this is no longer just a friend. You’re moving into…. what’s it called these days? A “situationship”. Basically where there’s huge payoffs for him, and you’re heading slowly but surely to heartbreak land.

Anyway, just be careful that’s all. I probably won’t post on here again, as I feel a little like I’m repeating myself and I’m sure you could do without another mum telling you what to do! Sorry!

Be well and be smart. 😎🌟
Sending you lots of love 😘❤️💛💖

PS I’d also ask yourself why you’re settling for so very little when there are hot guys out there that could be the real deal for you. Telling you that you look hot in your black dress isn’t really that much of a compliment when he’s already told you to find a boyfriend elsewhere. (I’m sure you’re not going to love me for saying this, so I’m going to go now before I make it any worse!)

Poppy 😘❤️💛
You’ve got this 👍🌟💖

Hello Ladies!

Just wanted to give you an update on where I’m at right now and I could use your insights one more time!

After reading your replies and having reflected on them, I called him and asked him directly what he meant when he said he doesn’t want to hurt me. He explained(was looking painful) that “I would still want to talk if she came back.” Which really threw me off and made me feel I was the second choice. I messaged him the next morning saying “I appreciate your honesty but if you want us to try a real relationship one day, I’d suggest us to put a pause on the hangouts until you’ve done your grieving and have properly moved on. Take all the time you need.” I explained that I know he’s going through a tough time but I can’t be his friend/therapist/potential date all at once while he’s still hung up on someone else.

He replied saying he agrees that it’s not fair to keep seeing me while he’s not fully over his ex. He asked to stay in touch and reconnect later in the year to see where we’re both at.

We are going to meet one more time to wrap things up.

In the meantime, we still exchange text messages from time to time, in a friendly way – though a lot less initiation from him, which is not surprising. In my mind I am ready to see other guys should they come along but I know how rare it is to meet someone that I really like and could see a future with, so I don’t want to close the door on him completely – is that good for me?

And should I complete cut him off or staying in touch(texting only)? All inputs are welcomed!

xx

I think you should not initiate anything for 30 days…

You two are at different places in your life. I think you responded clearly that once he’s moved on to contact you- perfect. Let that happen if it should happen. In the meantime, date others

Hey Raven, So far of all the guys I’ve met, he’s the only guy who I think I could have a future with. That’s part of my gut feeling. Everything’s there except that he’s not ready at the moment. So I do want to keep him in my life just in case…

Raven, that is a good question. I don’t know but I could ask him directly.

I only know that he respects me enough to be honest with me about where he’s at. But since our convo he appears to be still dating around(or trying to). So maybe he’s keen on getting a rebound to to help himself move on from the 12 year relationship, which I support. It just can’t be me :)

Hey Raven, I appreciate that you spent time reading my post. I feel I am doing alright moving on from my own breakup, even my therapist said so. I had cried my heart out, done journaling, talked with friends and I don’t have regret/resentment anymore and I don’t think about him anymore. I feel good about myself!

But I do have anxiety regarding if/when I could meet a good match.

Which specific areas do you think I should work on/heal from by reading my post?