Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Absolutely baffled! Advice appreciated please.
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Clara Reid.
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Clara
It seems that some would assume it was a “FWB” situation without knowing the full situation in details. But no, it was not! At least not to my knowledge. Earlier stages we both agreed we were unsure exactly what we were looking for but considering we got along extremely well, we were happy to see where it goes and it was also discussed we had no interest in seeing other people. We both knew where we stood and how we felt about each other. I was introduced to his mother briefly for gosh sake! A friendship base was built here too in that time frame. If he has “ghosted” me due to meeting someone else, why he wouldn’t bother to tell me is beyond me, as i stated to him in the message there were no guarantees between us. I would have wished him well and taken the honesty with respect from him, but i’m not even worthy of an explanation. It’s been 10 days now and the entire situation still has me baffled considering how abrupt it came to a holt.
I cannot thankyou all enough for your kind words and advice, it means a lot.
a
I’m sick of people saying he doesn’t owe you anything, he didn’t commit to you. Like you’re not suppose to have any feelings for a dude you have seen every week and talked to daily for 4 months! He DOES owe you something! He pursued you and you fell for him (as you should if you’re spending time with someone for that many weeks). This guy paid attention to you, pursued you, you probably had sex with him, let him into your world. It is NOT ok for him to just ghost you like that. Forget this DB and find someone who doesn’t waste your time.
a
Also, for the people that said this was a FWB situations. It’s only a FWB situation if both parties agree “this is just a FWB situation.” If a guy is pursuing you, taking you out on dates, future talking, no this is more than FWB. The dude was probably unsure about you and kept stinging you along telling you things that you wanted to hear until he found someone better, and now he probably found someone better. But girl show him that you found someone better too by ignoring his ass. He doesn’t deserve you.
Anne Ohio
I believe you when you say you two were serious about each other. It is beyond strange that he suddenly
ghosted.Among all the possible reasons, him getting cold feet or being confused is the least likely. The most likely is another woman, ex or otherwise.
Whatever the reason, he means it. This is a shocker, very unexpected. Let us know what happens
Clara
Believe me when I say I have had my fair share of some not so great ‘men’ in the past and you would think by now I would be able to detect a rat due to previous experiences, but if he was playing me, my gosh it was extremely convincing! Both being adults, there were more than a few times we didn’t make daily contact, sometimes a few days due to work and everyday life and it was no biggie! But I could sense something was off this time round. I think the hardest part for me in this whole situation was taking a gamble on someone who knew I was hesitant to get close to someone again after being mistreated during my long term relationship and having it end badly, he knew all this and was patient, kind and persistent with me. That doesn’t mean to say just because I’ve been badly treated previously I expected him to “fix me” or be the Knight in shining armour to prove not all men are the same. I just expected some respect, honesty and never thought he would cut me off like I don’t even exist or like we didn’t share something great for a few months. It makes no sense. But is what it is.
sisi
OP – sorry this happened to you…
If 4 months in and you two have not discussed BF/GF, I dont think he ever intended to take this to the next level… Because man moves really quickly with the girl that he likes….
Dating sucks sometimes
Clara
Hi, Sisi
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes, dating definitely does suck.
But I have to disagree a little. I don’t think committing should or shouldn’t have a time frame, every situation is different and in this circumstance both parties were happy to take the time on getting to know each other to see where it would lead. I personally preferred it this way, as I would rather be sure on someone than to just commit only for it to fail not too long down the track. As mentioned in a previous comment, it was definitely discussed early stages so we both knew where we stood (so I thought) it isn’t so much the committing thing that bothers me, it’s the disappearing act for no valid reason. A simple “No longer interested” would have been sufficient. A clea rejection is better than silence.sisi
OP – you are still trying to put a female logic into a male mind… Men dont go slow with the girl that he likes… 3 to 5 dates and a man knows whether this is “the one” for him….
4 months in and he is still “taking it slow”, you already know that he is not that into you.. sorry to blunt….Just trying to make you see a point
Emma
Sisi, where did you take this info form that after 4-5 dates a man makes his decision? maybe some do, but many don’t. On average it takes 2-4 months. Some take a year or more. But after 2-4 months if they know this woman is not the one, they leave. If not for the sake of a woman, then for their own sake. Men don’t want to waste their time as well, especially those in their late 30s.
But I also don’t see why this is relevant here. How does it matter whether he saw or did not see her as the future potential? So if you don’t see the future it is ok to ghost? The whole treat here is to support a woman who feels horrible after being ghosted. it goes without saying that one short text would have made a huge difference in the amount of pain, damage, humiliation to her. And yet someone always comes up with “another perspective”. To what end? To justify and defend the low life that does it? Or to try and say something different for the sake of saying something different?
Clara
Thanks, Emma. We’ll said.
As previously mentioned Sisi, the commitment time frame is not even the issue here and isn’t exactly valid to the topic.
To everyone saying he didn’t owe me a thing, we weren’t committed or he never planned on committing, please have some compassion for gosh sake.
We kept in contact on a regular basis, almost daily.
We got to know each other, past history,present, likes and dislikes – anything that could possibly be discussed you name it, we spoke it.
He complimented me regularly and made me feel like something special.
We were intimate on a number of occasions.A label did not need to be on this situation to be treated like a respected human being, I deserved an explanation at very least! Not to be discarded like a piece of trash.
If the shoe was on the other foot, please ask yourself how you would be feeling. We’ve all taken chances on people before by letting them in – whether a lover or friend and learned sooner or later we shouldn’t have, it’s a part of life and will happen regardless of how much we try to prevent it.
It you have not experienced something like this before, I hope you never have to – Compassion.Anon
Clara, the people who sais you werent committed, he didnt owe you anything, etc, clearly has little to no boundaries. They seem to think its fine to be treated like crap. Make excuses for it. I feel sorry for them
What this man did is flatout wrong. You did not deserve the weeks of waiting to see if he’ll respond. You did not deserve the figuring out on your own that its over. You did not deserve to feel that you were diacarded like trash. After everything wasnt even worth a goodbye
You didnt so anything wrong. You in no way caused this. He is a scumbag with absolutely no respect or integrity
He is going to come back with some bs story. Just tell him to f off. You now know the type of man he really is
Kim
Clara, I’m glad to see you are standing your ground for deserving more respect from this guy. He had a choice to tell you his plan. For whatever reason, he didn’t. For doing the decent thing, he chose wrong.
People who charge in after the fact with BS “points” to pin someone else’s UNSOLICITED bad behavior on you are only airing their own f’d up mentality. They want to separate themselves by trying to prove they would have been too smart to have this happen to them. Why? Because they have been in the spot of feeling like a fool one too many times for their liking and will use any opportunity to make themselves feel a sense of superiority over someone, anyone.
People running out on relationships without a word isn’t new but it is sadly more common now. Technology has made it easier but have any of the people who are so eager to offer garbage and irrelevant justifications ever stopped to think they are part of this growing problem? By spreading the mentality (for their own reason of wanting to feel above others) that you are acting entitled to dare think you deserve decency, they have given the offenders cause to feel entitled to run away like thieves in the night.
Not only do some people tell you that you don’t deserve courtesy on your end, some also condone what is done on the ghoster’s end.
What the reaction is more and more:
Person #1: “Hey man, how’s things with Suzie?”
Person #2: “Eh, not happening anymore.”
Person #1: “Why?”
Person #2: “No reason really. Just not feeling it.”
Person #1: “How’d she take it when you told her?”
Person#2: “Idk, I never really said anything. Too much hassle. She called and texted. Thank Gawwwd she she finally got the hint.”
Person #1:”Ok, right. You didn’t owe her anything. It’s not like you were official or married.”
Person#2: “Exactly.”What the reaction could easily be:
Same conversation until the last line.
Person#1: “Whoa, wait. You never told her? Just left her hanging? No wonder she tried getting ahold of you. Cold, man. Very cold.”Appropriately directed criticism won’t end poor behavior but it is a FACT that social disdain or approval are what create social norms for influencing how individuals behave when they are part of the collective.
So, to all those who operate on self-serving motivation to rationalize poor treatment of others, take note:
You are ultimately harming yourselves. Is your temporary sense of superiority worth it in the long run? Maybe that will be enough of a selfish reason for you to see the light.Kay
^^^ well said Kim…good examples, well summed up, no excuse for poor behavior
Anon
I completely agree. People juatifying bad behavior,normalizing it, are as much to blame as the people doing it
Clara
I am blown away by the advice and kind words here. Thankyou all, it’s very much appreciated.
It’s been 2 weeks now since I last heard from him. He is very much still alive and well by the looks as he has been active on social media.
Fair to say I’m at the extremely angry and frustrated stage now, there is no reasonable theory or logical explanation for this it’s clear as day he is just rudely avoiding me.
Hopefully after the anger wears off I will be somewhat better.anon
Clara, I dated a man for a year. We moved in together. We were a very happy couple. No issues whatsoever. We lived together for 5 months. One day het got up, told me he’s quickly going to visit his folks. I said have fun, bye. He said it’s not bye, he’s going to be right back, and he loves me more than anything. He went to visit them and never came home
I knew he was alive, because he read my messages, simply didn’t repond or answer calls.
I was in shock. I didn’t know what to tell the kids each time they asked when he came home
One month later I threw all his stuff in the garage and left it theree
3 months later he called me, we need to talk it out and fix things. I told him to come pick up his stuff when I’m not home. He came around to my house, kept calling, etc. I refused to open the gate or answer his calls. A month later he came and pickud up his things
He kept on calling for a year. I never answered
Till today, 3 years later, I don’t know why he did that. I will never know. I don’t care. You have to be very cruel to do that to anyone, especially someone you claim to love
Delete this jerks number and block him on social media etc. you don’t need to see what he’s up to. He is going to come crawling back in anything from 2 weeks to 2 years. then tell him to f off. you already know the type of man he is
Kim
Clara, you will feel better. You know that, I know that. Right now it can feel like that day is very far off when this will be a memory without the range of emotions attached but the day will come. You won’t have to try; it will just be natural to not give what happened your energy. I hope that time comes quickly for you.
I was ghosted by a guy I had been seeing for over 7 months. He did it right after he brought up wanting to spend more time together and become more involved. The thing that got me was he didn’t have to say any of that. I hadn’t said a word about taking anything to the next level. It was all his idea. Of course, at the time I was happy about it and really did like him or I wouldn’t have said I liked the idea of doing that.
Him cutting contact for no reason (All I knew from him was he wanted to take the next step.) was frustrating enough without the icing on the cake of his recent “devotion declaration”. I think the most maddening part is how absolutely unnecessary it is for someone to choose this path.I feel for you. I know what it’s like immediately afterwards. It probably sounds pretty hollow right now to say things will get better but they 100% will.
anon
I’d do a little public shaming if he’s still friend’s on Social Media.
Nice FB post along the lines of “Hey Ed, tried messaging you a couple times, must have missed the one where you broke up with me. Let me know if you want the stuff back that you left at my place. Take Care!”
fox
naah, I wouldn’t do what anon suggested. It has a smell of “crazy girl”. Altough I’m always pro openness and honesty and if you want to have a closure from your side – send a message saying how you feel about that. Don’t expect a reply.
Or just leave it like that how it is.Im so sorry it happened to you, I know how much it can hurt. This kind of behaviour is not ok.
anon
Yeah, I mean it’s a little crazy girl, but its also satisfying to know that he’s probably going to have some women asking about it who are familiar with ghosting. It basically just has to be “hey bro, you left stuff at my house, but you ghosted me post sex, and don’t know any other way to reunite you with your stuff….”I know if I saw a post like that on a guys social media account, I’d drop him like a hot coal. Who cares what the guy thinks, he should have answered her text if he didn’t want her to try and reach him in another manner.
But that’s me, I’ve learned that guys with “crazy girls” in the past usually treat women like garbage. It’s pretty rare that a woman goes crazy on a guy that communicates….
fox
@anon I agree with the sentence “It’s pretty rare that a woman goes crazy on a guy that communicates….”. Still I always support for staying sincere – if that behaviour hurt you, just say it. From the heart, sincerely (don’t expect a answer though). Don’t go into “playing games” which posting to FB will be (trying to show that you’re over it, it didn’t hurt you, you’re playing it cool – when it actually did hurt you and you are not over it). Ghosting wasn’t under your control, staying in touch with your feelings and sincerity is.
Time goes by and if the ghoster has at least some kind of heart, he will understand that he did something wrong. Hopefully by that time you have moved on and don’t even care about his apologies.
anon
It’s not as much playing games as it is a warning to the next girl. Make him explain to the next girl why a girl is posting on his FB that he ghosted on her. Make him uncomfortable, as uncomfortable as she was.
Personally, I consider ghosting (after 4 months of intimacy), emotional abuse. It’s not much different than had he ended it by hitting her. Only if he hits her, she can file with police and any girl can find that record. Let his FB be a warning that he’s an emotional abuser.
fox
@anon – he will probably delete this post really quickly anyway. Even I would do that, if someone posted something like this for my page. And personally I think it won’t make him uncomfortable – I have never ghosted someone, but probably I have hurt somebody’s feelings also during my life (even if I didn’t want, I didn’t know how to communicate good enough etc). And if to look back to those persons – I have understood after some time that I hurt them, but only because they didn’t start to act “crazy”. Understanding that I hurt good persons made me uncomfortable. Not facebook posts.
With the last part I agree completely.Lane
Ladies, this is the NEW AGE of dating so you can while and complain all you want buts it’s not going to change anytime soon and that the reality of dating today a all the other changes that has taken place over the decades.
You have two choices: 1) accept it as reality and be more cautious hen dating; or whine and gripe about something you hav no control over as you cmt FORCE them to do anything, only live with the new rules of the game.
Lane
As a side note: If you want to blame it on technology then do so as humans now have the capacity to trash, dump,, ignore, etc. to their hearts content and there’s so penalty, fine, backlash or other negative feeling if one uses that option. It’s the reality of our world today that didn’t use to exist but now does.
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