This topic contains 39 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Joyce 4 months, 1 week ago.
November 6, 2018 at 12:23 pm #728484
I broke up with my Ex over a month ago. It was not a messy breakup.
I had been getting distant due to work dramas and he felt it was due to him. We agreed to separate.
I was happy when I was with him. But was miserable at my job as my manager is racist and made everyday a struggle. Till in the end it was presenting an issue in my personal life. In our relationship and even with my own friends and family.
I was miserable and did not put up a fight for the relationship. I just let him go.
We were only together for 4 months. So not long. But it was perfect. He even said he has never felt this connection to someone. I felt the same too.
Anyway I never voiced my concerns about work until it got unbearable following our break-up. Finally told my friends and family. Felt like a great pressure off of me.
I have now left that job and I’m genuinely happier. I didn’t realise until being away from there how unhappy I was.
We went no contact as we felt it would be easier.
Follow that and being away from such a hostile environment. I miss him like crazy.
I know you should never go back with an ex. But I was genuinely not myself the last month we was together.
I feel like the way it ended was so unfinished.
I would like to reach out to him but not sure if I should just “catch up” or mention the work stuff.
What do you guys think?November 6, 2018 at 12:38 pm #728485
I would just tell him that you left the old job and are much happier now, and see what he saysNovember 6, 2018 at 1:08 pm #728486
Not going back to an ex is when that ex has treated you badly. If your behavior is why the relationship ended, you can acknowledge that and feel that you are truly in a better place where you can handle a relationship and treat him well, then reach out to him. He may not take you back but you have nothing to lose.November 6, 2018 at 3:17 pm #728495
First of all if this were a guy who broke up with you at the first sign of stress in the relationship and just chose to walk away we would tell you not to take him back!! If he walked away that easily he couldn’t be into you enough. Secondly you couldn’t even tell him what was going on with you and why you were distant. Why did you never talk about this issue with work until after the break up? You certainly have communication issues you need to work on. If you both agreed to no contact then a message asking to catch up isn’t going to make much sense. Instead I would tell him just what you’ve told us. How the stress of the job had you miserable and was affecting all your relationships and now that you are in a new job and happier you realize you made a mistake letting him go. How you wished things had turned out differently and you’re sorry. And you wonder if you’ll ever find this connection with someone else. You’ll know by his response how he feels.November 6, 2018 at 3:36 pm #728497
Thank you for your messages.
Maybe I’ll reach out explaining.
The last month was awful at work. I work in human resources. So who do you go to in your company when you work in HR?
It got to the stage I was battling with eating food and seriously lost my appitite. I hadn’t been sleeping and even jumping out of my sleep while with him. I was suffering severe nausea on the way to work. Sundays I would genuinely have panic attacks over the week ahead. This was a month before I we parted ways.
It only took after that for me to talk about it as my manager made a snide racist remark about my mum. That weekend before I snapped at one of my siblings – something I never do. I finally broke down to a relative about the hell at work.
Sat down with the head of my department for her to be unsupportive when trying to explain about my manager.
It took me going to the doctor following this to flag it was anxiety linked to the job. Since being away from the environment I have not had that guy wrenching feeling and sleeping soundly. I’ve regained my appetite again. I’m in a way better place since leaving it a month ago.
It’s now that I’m better have I really sat back and think of the night we went out separate ways. The last time I saw him was the week before. I had been distant. I didn’t even want to see him as I was working through lunches and couple hours extra after work that entire week. I got there and crashed and fell straight to sleep. I seem disinterested in him as essentially I was. I was so drained from life. But I never expressed to him or anyone what was going on.
At the time I felt it was weak. We all have stress from life and work? So didn’t want to give in to it and tried fighting it myself. It’s only until talking about it have I realised. In this day and age I shouldn’t be taking racial slurs from anybody especially my manager.
Granted I should have spoke to him about it. Although we had only been dating four months but this point. I hadn’t told friends I’ve known for years or my own family for a that matter.
Anyway I know he thought I wasn’t interested which at the time I was too tired with life let alone anything esle.
Truth is yes it was the honeymoon phase but even he was soppy and sweet and even said he hadn’t experienced anything quiet like it. We was happy together. Everyone in his life noticed how happy he was. Even people in mine. I think my manager caught on I was happy and dating someone. To be fair that’s when she started to get worst.
So overall it was a mess. I was a mess. Not sure it’s even worth reaching out to be fair. I feel I would regret it if I don’t.
Sorry for the essayNovember 6, 2018 at 3:49 pm #728499
I’m sorry you had to go through this. It sounds awful.
I don’t really understand why you held it all in. That was obviously why this got so out of control. Venting is perfectly normal and in fact sometimes other perspective and advice can help you to problem solve. Not sure where you live but here in the US there is a department of Labor you can go to for such harassment’s and attorneys that specialize in workplace employee abuse. So here there would have been a place to go. It would not help your work environment but it’s a recourse. In fact with the abuse you eoxerienced you could go out in paid disability leave here.
With regard to the man. If I were with a man who totally shut down and broke up with me over a situation that had nothing to do with me, I would be very reluctant to go back. I would worry that anytime things get tough his way to cope is to run away. With a man you only know four months he has no idea if this is how you usually deal with stress or if it’s a one off. I say this for future consideration. I think it’s toatlly reasonable to tell someone you are off because you have a difficult situation going on. That way you don’t confuse or hurt them by acting as if you don’t want to be with them and then break up with no legitimate reason.
This man may or may not try again. He doesn’t have much history with you to be that attached. I guess it would at least let him know the real reason you acted like this, if nothing else. Good luck.November 6, 2018 at 3:50 pm #728498
So, reaching out to him is a risk for you. Worst case he says no, and you don’t get a second chance. If you don’t reach out, you don’t get a second chance.
I’d make it a phone call, and just be upfront about what you were going through, that you liked him, but unfortunately work had you too stressed out. I know if I had a guy I really like tell me that, I’d give him a second chance or minimally not be angry or hurt over being reached out to.November 6, 2018 at 5:08 pm #728502
He may not give you a second chance because you have shown him that when life gets stressful, you shut down, don’t communicate and push him away… he may not want to sign up for that again because here’s always a new stressful situation around the corner.November 6, 2018 at 5:14 pm #728504
Don’t explain over text. Just contact him, tell him you miss him and you may have been wrong breaking up. Hopefully, he will meet you to discuss it.November 6, 2018 at 5:29 pm #728507
How I wish my situation might be similar to yours – that my ex could be more involved. Please don’t take this as a criticism, what I meant was that there might still be a chance for you ~
If you are to look back in one year time, will you feel regret of not reaching out to him? But I could understand your fear, especially what has just happened to you.
Perhaps, you can take it light (e.g. starting by some friendly text). If he responds positively, you can ask him out and express how you feel.
I hope things will work out for you ~ good luck.November 6, 2018 at 5:50 pm #728508
Do not text! It’s insulting to break up with someone and then have the person who broke up with you send some light text. Texting is so cowardly. If you want a chance at least man up and do it the right way through a phone call. Texting… smh.November 7, 2018 at 3:06 pm #728607
Thank you so much for your responses!
Ok – really appreciate your input. I’m in the UK. Now that I have left the environment I have been getting support. It’s given me the chance to apply for jobs and no longer suffering from the anxiety symptoms I had been.
I know I should have said something sooner. It is incredibly difficult “accusing” someone of being racist. Only two other girls over heard one of the remarks. Then my Manager’s work friend heard another. Would make reporting it and for it to stand to be an issue. As I know the other girls have their jobs to think about and made it clear they won’t be able to support me.
I think what pushed me was the fact the head of my department refused to even listen to me. On top of the racism she is not even a supportive manager. She always undermines and never says anything postive to me.
Like I even said she never viewed me as a “friend” neither would I want her to be as she is my manager and I would like it to be professional. She also felt the need to question my new relationship and other aspects of my personal life. Everytime I would get ready to go out on a date. It was then she pile on more work and expected me to work later after work. I remember she over heard me talking to my other collegue about going out that evening and how he had a cold – my manager butted in and said “oh off on a date later and he is ill! You better not kiss him or touch him as I can afford you being ill”. She even onced asked outright if I had sex with him! Again not professional!
So another reason I never told him I didn’t want him to think me being happy in a relationship was essentially making her behavior worst against me. I think I subtly mentioned I don’t get on with my boss. But who really has a great relationship with their boss? Never went into detail about it and how unbearable it was.
Didn’t want him to blame himself and thought she would get bored of it and it would all pass eventually. Like I said it got worst pretty much after one of my colleagues referenced how have I managed to get a tall guy (I’m really short and my manager was like “you don’t need a tall man Jayde like the rest of us”) with a beard and essentially her “type” instead of her. It really bugged her. I never referenced him or made a big deal after that. As soon as they said that she was like let me see a photo and was like “oh he is good looking”. This was when the snide comments got even worst. I always underplayed things and stopped dressing up for dates so she wouldn’t question anything. No way to live as I would be excited to see him. The first three months I would dress up to see him and which is the way a new relationship should be.
Joe – I handled the whole situation wrong I admit that. But letting him go felt easier as I knew I was miserable and it wasn’t fair on him. Like I said I stopped making an effort.
I think the reason why this got to me really badly. I have dealt with way stressfull situations in my life before. I completed my masters degree during my mum battling through brain surgery and other health issues linked to that. I graduated with honours and daalt with it like nothing. So I’m not adverse to dealing with stress. During that time I was in a relationship and everything. Spoke to friends and it was obviously all open within the family. I always prided myself on dealing with stress well.
So when this all hit me with my boss. It came as a shock. I always knew she was a hard person and a little bit of a bully. But it got to the stage it escalated within a month and a bit. No matter how hard I was working it wasn’t ever good enough. But was like I did my masters battling way more emotional stress I can get through this and not need to burden anyone.
Truth is that was not the case. The difference was no matter how much stress I endured during my masters I had support from my University team. I did not in this situation have support from my manager at work or head of department. So essentially it broke me. I’m shocked it did. And shocked at the way I handled it. I just thought I was “strong” and could handle one bully. Truth is I wasn’t and have come to admit that.
Essentially it is a life lesson. And I’ve learnt a lot about myself and now how to go forward dealing with things.
I just know I’m sat here now. Feeling better for talking to people about it and not bottling it up.
I’ve put weight back on. Stopped biting my nails and painting them again. I’m wearing my makeup and taking pride in myself. I’m becoming me again!
I am the girl he first met about 5 months ago! The girl who was happy to see him and enjoyed his company. Who wasn’t as stressed to face work the next day.
I know we were in the honeymoon phase but I’ve never connected with someone like I did with him.
Which is why I didn’t want to ruin it by being a nag about work stress so early on when we was having the best time ever. Me not talking ruined that.
Luckily I have since managed to repair issues that I caused from being miserable with my family and even one of my friends.
A big part of me wants to reach out and repair issues that came about with him during that month.
Not sure if it’s just me being selfish as he surely has moved on a month on. So I shouldn’t open old wounds!
I’m so lost guys and not sure what is for the best.
Sorry for another essay 🙈November 8, 2018 at 9:33 am #728697
Just me again guys!
I don’t know if this is a “sign” but I was emptying out a bag today before using it and stumbled across a pub quiz sheet and the sweets we won from one of out early dates.
Would it be weird to message him with a “look what I found and reminded me of you blah blah blah”
Or hold off and actual message and explain about work.
Not sure the best way to approach it. Seems a bit of a coincidence I’ve stumbled acorss this literally after thinking of him and asking for advice.November 8, 2018 at 9:52 am #728701
Yes. That would be weird and you are overthinking this. You dumped him without reason. Sending a cutesy message is insulting, call him and explain what happened to you and why you acted the way you did. If someone went cold on me and broke up I would be furious if they thought they could weasel their way back in to my heart with a stupid text message. What are you afraid of. He will either agree to start over or say no. The longer you out this off gives him more time to fall for s9meone else.November 8, 2018 at 10:02 am #728705
Joyce, we are all afraid of rejection. It’s hard to take when someone breaks up with us and doesn’t want to be with us. That is how he feels about you breaking things off with him. You said no contact so I doubt he is going to reach out to you. You are going to have to be the one who is strong and confident enough to call him and tell him exactly what went on with you. If it were me, I would text him and tell him the thing you found that reminded you of him and tell him you would like to talk to him and let him know what was going on with your life during this time. Explain how you have repaired issues with friends and family which were caused during this stressful time and you would like a chance to do the same with him.November 8, 2018 at 11:29 am #728723
It wasn’t so much me sitting down with him and saying “let’s break up”
He had been putting in all the effort. I had no time to plan dates and he would book stuff. Got to the stage I was coming home and crashing. No evening calls. Or when I could around and see him I would literally get there super late having to stay in the office till late. To get to his eat and fall asleep.
Even our last date out I was late to see him and he even saw I was tired and walked me to the station to get home early.
I fancied him like crazy but was too tired for anything those last two weeks.
He said how he was the only giving us a chance. As in the beginning it was both of us planning things and all that. By this point I was so defeated with work being so physically and emotionally draining it seemed fair to let him go as I wasn’t the same girl he met in the beginning. I love my company and wasn’t ready to leave just yet, so felt like I wouldn’t be feeling any better any time soon. So went out separate ways.
It is only from now being away from that. That I am me. I am the girl he met in the beginning. Who was happy all the time. Skipping around with a smile on her face.
Hate that he remembers me as that miserable girl.
I will try and contact him. I’ll try and find the best way to explain it all to him.
Fingers crossed I can just meet him.November 8, 2018 at 5:49 pm #728762
I find this very odd. I understand you were stressed and exhausted, but you just tossed away something nice without even telling him what’s going on? I don’t believe we have all facts from this story, there is something else behind there. Was he not asking you why you broke up? Or was it HIM who broke up with you and you didn’t want to admit it?
And I do agree hat sending silly “remind of you” texts is very immature. If you are very young then maybe, but anyone over 25 can be more respectful.
Can him and talk to him in person. Tell him how you feel. If he hasn’t moved on yet, there might be a chance.
But communicate! Talk to a person. If this is all true, it is very odd to see such behaviour from 1) a female, and 2) an HR person. I am not trying to be rude, I am simply quite amazed. Women normally do the opposite, we overshare, over communicate.November 8, 2018 at 7:03 pm #728765
This is the full story.
Like I said I didn’t sit down and say “let’s break up”. It was a chase of him saying how he has been “trying to give us a chance”.
As I had been getting into work at 8ish and not leaving till 8ish. It did not leave time for a relationship. Which was frustrating as the first couple of months. I had all the time in the world and we would meet and date. I was starting to finish later and later. Till in th point it wasn’t fair on him lingering in work waiting for me.
He also works in HR for a different company. He works his allocated hours. Rarely had to stay late and didn’t understand how my company was running having me work so much more hours.
Anyway I’m new-ish to the role so thought I’ll take it. Maybe it’s all part of getting used to things. So didn’t voice my concerns as I thought it looks like I can’t handle it. Plus he also works within HR. Very successful within his company. He is a couple years older than me too. Didn’t want to complain about it to him. Well to anyone. Thought I will settle into it eventually.
Let’s me honest there is no settling into racist slurs and her obsessiveness into my personal life.
Arguably I should have spoke up. Only till talking to my cousin who also works in HR for another company. Did I realise I had options. Walking away from it was the most important. She was annoyed I didn’t go to her sooner and waited till I ended up anxious and ill from it all.
If I spoke to him I’m sure he would have said the same.
I know I handled the whole situation wrong with my manager.
We spend so much time at work. I didn’t see an out of it. I have a mortgage and responsibilities. Couldn’t just leave my job. So I was taking it and applying for work on the side.
It wasn’t until getting out did I realise how wrong it was.
Yes I let a good thing go with him. Not because I wanted to. Just because yes I let stress get to me. It’s not that I can’t handle stress as I’ve been through worst.
I’m annoyed I even let my manager get to me. I’m even annoyed she cost me a really good guy.
There was talks of a future from him. Kids – he said he hasn’t even contemplated that bekfe with someone. He even said how he would love to adopt. I’ve always said I would love to adopt a child too. When he said that it shocked me as it’s something I’ve always said but he obviously had no idea I wanted that too. Crazy.
We got on well like I never have with anyone.
Like you said maybe the memory is a little childish. I’m 27 and need to behave like an adult.
I’ll call him. Thing is we only ever called in the night before. After texting backwards and forwards.
Would be very out th blue for him to just get a call from me early evening or something.November 8, 2018 at 7:10 pm #728766
How can you be in HR and not know where to go to determine your options?November 8, 2018 at 7:30 pm #728772
Accusing someone of racism is a massive deal!
Speaking to other people they have all said tread carefully.
Like I said I’m new to HR. I’m fresh out of science as that was my career before taking time out before a PhD.
So no I didn’t know where to go.
This essentially was my first office role apart from being a receptionist.
Maybe I’m niave. I don’t know.
Honestly thought it would blow over. I love my company. I was a receptionist there for some time before. They have great company benefits and bonuses. I genuinely was adament not to leave. I was trying to be strong and ride it out. As we have all been subject to playgrounf bullies. Thought it was a case of that and she would get bored. She hasn’t got bored! Since leaving on grounds of being “not fit for work” she hasn’t been supportive like my other collegues. She is still being malcious.
Before taking it further to external employment law support I decided to talk to the head of HR. As thought we could deal with her poor management internally. Even she brushed it off too. I couldn’t even get yo the racism.
It was then I seeked external help. It’s only now that I am getting the support I needed.
Yes it all was a little late. I didn’t know what I was doing.
I’m only 27.
I have spent a lot of time in education. I’ve done a science BSc and followed it with a master’s. I spent a lot of time in science and decided to earn some money before a PhD. So I decided to become a receptionist. I ended up with an internal promotion – my manager was not a part of the final decision in hiring me that was two directors.
I’m not an idiot. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable at my job.
Yes I work in HR. But that makes it so hard to “talk to anyone” without going externally.
Like I said my cousin was upset I never went to her. I don’t know why I didn’t. But I was not myself. I’ve never dealt with anxiety to that degree before. I was biting my nails. I was barely eating (didn’t have time for it). I dropped half a stone in those last two weeks of dating him. I was constantly nauseous. I was biting my nails and crying everytime I went to the toilets at work. I was a mess.
But I would put on a smile and pretend everything was okay. They weren’t okay. I was lying to everyone. I was lying to myself.
It only took me admitting something wasn’t right for me to do something finally.
Walking away from that job has helped drastically. Everyone in my life has seen the change on me. Apart from him as I let him go!
Guess it’s just a life lesson and I’ll learn.November 8, 2018 at 9:55 pm #728776
I still don’t get it.
“Like I said I didn’t sit down and say “let’s break up”. It was a chase of him saying how he has been “trying to give us a chance”. – ???
So, did you verbally break up or did you not? what did you say? what did he say?
WHO initiated the break up and how did you agree that it is a breakup?November 9, 2018 at 10:32 am #728799
TBH, your story about what happened at work is not that fascinating. So go ahead and contact him, but don’t go over the whole complex and boring details.
Why would he want to listen to all that? It’s all about you. Maybe meet and talk about him.
Move on from this work thing, find something more interesting to talk about. Other than yourself.November 9, 2018 at 11:23 am #728809
Emma -just to clarify…
It was all by text.
He said how he was “giving us a chance”
I was like let’s meet and actual talk as this isn’t easy and I don’t want to do it over text. I was genuinely intiating to talk. But when my friends re-read it they saw how it could be me ending it.
He was like you are right it is not easy and maybe we are better off not meeting and it would be too upsetting.
So he went to bed as we both had work the next day. We wished each other well. Saying good night we agreed not to keep messaging as it wasn’t doing any of us any good. So we wished each other well. And that was it. Very amicable.
To be it felt like he is was ready to end it too as he said he had been “giving it a chance”. I didn’t dig into it as he followed with he couldn’t make me happy. I did say I was happy. But let’s face it he could see I wasn’t happy – but was with him. He just didn’t know that.
Anyway we haven’t messaged since. And that was thatNovember 9, 2018 at 11:28 am #728810
Joe – I was not looking for anyones pity on here just advice.
I had you mention “You didn’t handle the situation well and even took it out on the poor guy. How will you react the next time life throws you a curve ball?”
And referenced how I have dealt with other stresses in my life well just not this situation.
Then I also responded to L who also didn’t understand how the fact I work in HR why I didn’t seek help.
I was explaining myself and my situation.
I was not here to have people feel “sorry” for me.
Plus people wanted to understand how I managed to let a good thing go. I was trying to get people to understand I was not in my right frame of mind during that time.
Literally came on here for advice as to how to contact him.
Which some people have been supportive with. So thank you all of those that have.November 9, 2018 at 11:40 am #728815
Joe – you don’t have to read my long story if you don’t want to.
Everyone on here who has read it has been very nice and supportive.
I was just explaining things as people asked.