1st Text to an Ex

I would just tell him that you left the old job and are much happier now, and see what he says

First of all if this were a guy who broke up with you at the first sign of stress in the relationship and just chose to walk away we would tell you not to take him back!! If he walked away that easily he couldn’t be into you enough. Secondly you couldn’t even tell him what was going on with you and why you were distant. Why did you never talk about this issue with work until after the break up? You certainly have communication issues you need to work on. If you both agreed to no contact then a message asking to catch up isn’t going to make much sense. Instead I would tell him just what you’ve told us. How the stress of the job had you miserable and was affecting all your relationships and now that you are in a new job and happier you realize you made a mistake letting him go. How you wished things had turned out differently and you’re sorry. And you wonder if you’ll ever find this connection with someone else. You’ll know by his response how he feels.

I’m sorry you had to go through this. It sounds awful.

I don’t really understand why you held it all in. That was obviously why this got so out of control. Venting is perfectly normal and in fact sometimes other perspective and advice can help you to problem solve. Not sure where you live but here in the US there is a department of Labor you can go to for such harassment’s and attorneys that specialize in workplace employee abuse. So here there would have been a place to go. It would not help your work environment but it’s a recourse. In fact with the abuse you eoxerienced you could go out in paid disability leave here.

With regard to the man. If I were with a man who totally shut down and broke up with me over a situation that had nothing to do with me, I would be very reluctant to go back. I would worry that anytime things get tough his way to cope is to run away. With a man you only know four months he has no idea if this is how you usually deal with stress or if it’s a one off. I say this for future consideration. I think it’s toatlly reasonable to tell someone you are off because you have a difficult situation going on. That way you don’t confuse or hurt them by acting as if you don’t want to be with them and then break up with no legitimate reason.

This man may or may not try again. He doesn’t have much history with you to be that attached. I guess it would at least let him know the real reason you acted like this, if nothing else. Good luck.

He may not give you a second chance because you have shown him that when life gets stressful, you shut down, don’t communicate and push him away… he may not want to sign up for that again because here’s always a new stressful situation around the corner.

Joyce,

How I wish my situation might be similar to yours – that my ex could be more involved. Please don’t take this as a criticism, what I meant was that there might still be a chance for you ~

If you are to look back in one year time, will you feel regret of not reaching out to him? But I could understand your fear, especially what has just happened to you.

Perhaps, you can take it light (e.g. starting by some friendly text). If he responds positively, you can ask him out and express how you feel.

I hope things will work out for you ~ good luck.

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your responses!

Ok – really appreciate your input. I’m in the UK. Now that I have left the environment I have been getting support. It’s given me the chance to apply for jobs and no longer suffering from the anxiety symptoms I had been.

I know I should have said something sooner. It is incredibly difficult “accusing” someone of being racist. Only two other girls over heard one of the remarks. Then my Manager’s work friend heard another. Would make reporting it and for it to stand to be an issue. As I know the other girls have their jobs to think about and made it clear they won’t be able to support me.

I think what pushed me was the fact the head of my department refused to even listen to me. On top of the racism she is not even a supportive manager. She always undermines and never says anything postive to me.

Like I even said she never viewed me as a “friend” neither would I want her to be as she is my manager and I would like it to be professional. She also felt the need to question my new relationship and other aspects of my personal life. Everytime I would get ready to go out on a date. It was then she pile on more work and expected me to work later after work. I remember she over heard me talking to my other collegue about going out that evening and how he had a cold – my manager butted in and said “oh off on a date later and he is ill! You better not kiss him or touch him as I can afford you being ill”. She even onced asked outright if I had sex with him! Again not professional!

So another reason I never told him I didn’t want him to think me being happy in a relationship was essentially making her behavior worst against me. I think I subtly mentioned I don’t get on with my boss. But who really has a great relationship with their boss? Never went into detail about it and how unbearable it was.

Didn’t want him to blame himself and thought she would get bored of it and it would all pass eventually. Like I said it got worst pretty much after one of my colleagues referenced how have I managed to get a tall guy (I’m really short and my manager was like “you don’t need a tall man Jayde like the rest of us”) with a beard and essentially her “type” instead of her. It really bugged her. I never referenced him or made a big deal after that. As soon as they said that she was like let me see a photo and was like “oh he is good looking”. This was when the snide comments got even worst. I always underplayed things and stopped dressing up for dates so she wouldn’t question anything. No way to live as I would be excited to see him. The first three months I would dress up to see him and which is the way a new relationship should be.

Joe – I handled the whole situation wrong I admit that. But letting him go felt easier as I knew I was miserable and it wasn’t fair on him. Like I said I stopped making an effort.

I think the reason why this got to me really badly. I have dealt with way stressfull situations in my life before. I completed my masters degree during my mum battling through brain surgery and other health issues linked to that. I graduated with honours and daalt with it like nothing. So I’m not adverse to dealing with stress. During that time I was in a relationship and everything. Spoke to friends and it was obviously all open within the family. I always prided myself on dealing with stress well.

So when this all hit me with my boss. It came as a shock. I always knew she was a hard person and a little bit of a bully. But it got to the stage it escalated within a month and a bit. No matter how hard I was working it wasn’t ever good enough. But was like I did my masters battling way more emotional stress I can get through this and not need to burden anyone.

Truth is that was not the case. The difference was no matter how much stress I endured during my masters I had support from my University team. I did not in this situation have support from my manager at work or head of department. So essentially it broke me. I’m shocked it did. And shocked at the way I handled it. I just thought I was “strong” and could handle one bully. Truth is I wasn’t and have come to admit that.

Essentially it is a life lesson. And I’ve learnt a lot about myself and now how to go forward dealing with things.

I just know I’m sat here now. Feeling better for talking to people about it and not bottling it up.

I’ve put weight back on. Stopped biting my nails and painting them again. I’m wearing my makeup and taking pride in myself. I’m becoming me again!

I am the girl he first met about 5 months ago! The girl who was happy to see him and enjoyed his company. Who wasn’t as stressed to face work the next day.

I know we were in the honeymoon phase but I’ve never connected with someone like I did with him.

Which is why I didn’t want to ruin it by being a nag about work stress so early on when we was having the best time ever. Me not talking ruined that.

Luckily I have since managed to repair issues that I caused from being miserable with my family and even one of my friends.

A big part of me wants to reach out and repair issues that came about with him during that month.

Not sure if it’s just me being selfish as he surely has moved on a month on. So I shouldn’t open old wounds!

I’m so lost guys and not sure what is for the best.

Sorry for another essay 🙈

Yes. That would be weird and you are overthinking this. You dumped him without reason. Sending a cutesy message is insulting, call him and explain what happened to you and why you acted the way you did. If someone went cold on me and broke up I would be furious if they thought they could weasel their way back in to my heart with a stupid text message. What are you afraid of. He will either agree to start over or say no. The longer you out this off gives him more time to fall for s9meone else.

Thanks guys.

It wasn’t so much me sitting down with him and saying “let’s break up”

He had been putting in all the effort. I had no time to plan dates and he would book stuff. Got to the stage I was coming home and crashing. No evening calls. Or when I could around and see him I would literally get there super late having to stay in the office till late. To get to his eat and fall asleep.

Even our last date out I was late to see him and he even saw I was tired and walked me to the station to get home early.

I fancied him like crazy but was too tired for anything those last two weeks.

He said how he was the only giving us a chance. As in the beginning it was both of us planning things and all that. By this point I was so defeated with work being so physically and emotionally draining it seemed fair to let him go as I wasn’t the same girl he met in the beginning. I love my company and wasn’t ready to leave just yet, so felt like I wouldn’t be feeling any better any time soon. So went out separate ways.

It is only from now being away from that. That I am me. I am the girl he met in the beginning. Who was happy all the time. Skipping around with a smile on her face.

Hate that he remembers me as that miserable girl.

I will try and contact him. I’ll try and find the best way to explain it all to him.

Fingers crossed I can just meet him.

Hi Emma,

This is the full story.

Like I said I didn’t sit down and say “let’s break up”. It was a chase of him saying how he has been “trying to give us a chance”.

As I had been getting into work at 8ish and not leaving till 8ish. It did not leave time for a relationship. Which was frustrating as the first couple of months. I had all the time in the world and we would meet and date. I was starting to finish later and later. Till in th point it wasn’t fair on him lingering in work waiting for me.

He also works in HR for a different company. He works his allocated hours. Rarely had to stay late and didn’t understand how my company was running having me work so much more hours.

Anyway I’m new-ish to the role so thought I’ll take it. Maybe it’s all part of getting used to things. So didn’t voice my concerns as I thought it looks like I can’t handle it. Plus he also works within HR. Very successful within his company. He is a couple years older than me too. Didn’t want to complain about it to him. Well to anyone. Thought I will settle into it eventually.

Let’s me honest there is no settling into racist slurs and her obsessiveness into my personal life.

Arguably I should have spoke up. Only till talking to my cousin who also works in HR for another company. Did I realise I had options. Walking away from it was the most important. She was annoyed I didn’t go to her sooner and waited till I ended up anxious and ill from it all.

If I spoke to him I’m sure he would have said the same.

I know I handled the whole situation wrong with my manager.

We spend so much time at work. I didn’t see an out of it. I have a mortgage and responsibilities. Couldn’t just leave my job. So I was taking it and applying for work on the side.

It wasn’t until getting out did I realise how wrong it was.

Yes I let a good thing go with him. Not because I wanted to. Just because yes I let stress get to me. It’s not that I can’t handle stress as I’ve been through worst.

I’m annoyed I even let my manager get to me. I’m even annoyed she cost me a really good guy.

There was talks of a future from him. Kids – he said he hasn’t even contemplated that bekfe with someone. He even said how he would love to adopt. I’ve always said I would love to adopt a child too. When he said that it shocked me as it’s something I’ve always said but he obviously had no idea I wanted that too. Crazy.

We got on well like I never have with anyone.

Like you said maybe the memory is a little childish. I’m 27 and need to behave like an adult.

I’ll call him. Thing is we only ever called in the night before. After texting backwards and forwards.

Would be very out th blue for him to just get a call from me early evening or something.

Accusing someone of racism is a massive deal!

Speaking to other people they have all said tread carefully.

Like I said I’m new to HR. I’m fresh out of science as that was my career before taking time out before a PhD.

So no I didn’t know where to go.

This essentially was my first office role apart from being a receptionist.

Maybe I’m niave. I don’t know.

Honestly thought it would blow over. I love my company. I was a receptionist there for some time before. They have great company benefits and bonuses. I genuinely was adament not to leave. I was trying to be strong and ride it out. As we have all been subject to playgrounf bullies. Thought it was a case of that and she would get bored. She hasn’t got bored! Since leaving on grounds of being “not fit for work” she hasn’t been supportive like my other collegues. She is still being malcious.

Before taking it further to external employment law support I decided to talk to the head of HR. As thought we could deal with her poor management internally. Even she brushed it off too. I couldn’t even get yo the racism.

It was then I seeked external help. It’s only now that I am getting the support I needed.

Yes it all was a little late. I didn’t know what I was doing.

I’m only 27.

I have spent a lot of time in education. I’ve done a science BSc and followed it with a master’s. I spent a lot of time in science and decided to earn some money before a PhD. So I decided to become a receptionist. I ended up with an internal promotion – my manager was not a part of the final decision in hiring me that was two directors.

I’m not an idiot. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable at my job.

Yes I work in HR. But that makes it so hard to “talk to anyone” without going externally.

Like I said my cousin was upset I never went to her. I don’t know why I didn’t. But I was not myself. I’ve never dealt with anxiety to that degree before. I was biting my nails. I was barely eating (didn’t have time for it). I dropped half a stone in those last two weeks of dating him. I was constantly nauseous. I was biting my nails and crying everytime I went to the toilets at work. I was a mess.

But I would put on a smile and pretend everything was okay. They weren’t okay. I was lying to everyone. I was lying to myself.

It only took me admitting something wasn’t right for me to do something finally.

Walking away from that job has helped drastically. Everyone in my life has seen the change on me. Apart from him as I let him go!

Guess it’s just a life lesson and I’ll learn.

TBH, your story about what happened at work is not that fascinating. So go ahead and contact him, but don’t go over the whole complex and boring details.

Why would he want to listen to all that? It’s all about you. Maybe meet and talk about him.

Move on from this work thing, find something more interesting to talk about. Other than yourself.

Joe – I was not looking for anyones pity on here just advice.

I had you mention “You didn’t handle the situation well and even took it out on the poor guy. How will you react the next time life throws you a curve ball?”

And referenced how I have dealt with other stresses in my life well just not this situation.

Then I also responded to L who also didn’t understand how the fact I work in HR why I didn’t seek help.

I was explaining myself and my situation.

I was not here to have people feel “sorry” for me.

Plus people wanted to understand how I managed to let a good thing go. I was trying to get people to understand I was not in my right frame of mind during that time.

Literally came on here for advice as to how to contact him.

Which some people have been supportive with. So thank you all of those that have.