This topic contains 45 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 3 months, 3 weeks ago.
July 29, 2014 at 4:21 pm #356540
I haven’t posted in an online forum before, so apologies if this is lengthy. I’ve been dating a guy-D, who seemed too good to be true, from an app for about 1 month. Great conversations, gregarious but not too smooth (a bit awkward), very gentlemanly (gave me $ for a cab home on the first date, offered on the 2nd date), texted everyday, made plans in advance, successful (finance), tall/handsome. We’ve been physical -it felt right & still had amazing dates (Central Park all day, wining/dining, the Met, etc. – I’ve chipped in some because not trying to take advantage). He’s family-oriented (texted me tons of childhood & family photos), we have a mutual guy friend (through the app) who said D’s a good guy & I haven’t seen any major red flags (though of course, he’s not perfect).
But today, after a great date this past Saturday, I saw D uploaded recent photos (they were taken last week because he texted me the photos) on the same app (I check once in awhile but haven’t changed my profile). I’m upset but to be fair, we haven’t had the ‘exclusive’ talk because 1 month seemed too soon & yes, I’m still on the app. But it still bugs me that D would so blatantly update his dating profile! Also, he hasn’t texted me since Sunday & while I hate playing games, I feel like now I have to, which is annoying. I’m not so naïve to think that he’s ready to settle down right now, but I thought things were going well & there was potential for more.
So after asking friends:
Option A. Say nothing right now and put a high value on myself/my self-respect. Be secure & confident that I’m a prize. Distract myself by dating other guys (no sex – but also not with D now in case he’s sleeping around). But since his actions clearly bother me, briefly ask ‘are we on the same page?’ (we have a Friday date). Give D 1 more month and if it doesn’t progress to something exclusive, move on.
Option B. Call him tonight/tomorrow and let him know that I saw his new pics & I’d like to know if we’re on the same page. If he is, great let’s chat more in person. If he doesn’t know yet, continue dating D but go back on the app for real to meet other guys. If he’s not on the same page, cut my losses and move on.
Any other suggestions? Your advice would be great, thanks so much.July 29, 2014 at 4:26 pm #356542
I read through both of your options and both options include asking him if you are both on the same page which is very different than ‘saying nothing right now’ which is how Option A starts out. If you remove any mention of asking if you are on the same page from Option A, I would choose that option. Enjoy your dates with him and getting to know him better. Continue on the site yourself and keep dating other people as well.
A couple of questions: How long have you been on the site? How long has he been on the site?July 29, 2014 at 4:28 pm #356543
I think that you just need to let this roll off your back, it has only been one month, you have not agreed to be exclusive, you both still have profiles up. He is just keeping his options open and so should you. He hasn’t done anything wrong and if you bring it up it will look like you think he has and will also look “needy”. Just forget about it and leave it be.July 29, 2014 at 4:28 pm #356545
I say go with A , one month is very soon but honestly if I was sleeping with him, I would expect him not to sleep with anyone else. So option A might have to be changed up a bit so he can understand why you’re not sleeping with him anymore .July 29, 2014 at 4:29 pm #356546
A side note, you sounded concerned that he hadn’t texted you since Sunday. It is only Tuesday and you already have plans for Friday. Do not read into how often a guy texts. He is probably in work week mode (successful finance guy that he is) and most guys are only able to focus on one thing at a time. Don’t worry about the texting for now.July 29, 2014 at 4:50 pm #356557
I would not ask whether you are on the same page as it takes guys much longer to get to where we are thinking than girls. So while he thinks you are great company, he has not yet made up his mind about you and this is fine because its only been a month.
Where you went wrong IMO is that you thought he was not sleeping with anyone else. You said “We’ve been physical -it felt right”. But did not communicate the same to him. Just assumed that he was thinking the same. Always assume that the guy is not exclusive till you tell/ask him specifically if he is. That’s why I always mention that never sleep with a guy till you know for sure that you and he are on the same page. Also I don’t believe you can sex a man into a commitment. I always ALWAYS have a talk with the guy before we get physical – whether we are dating for a relationship or even if it is just FWB. I always tell them that I am not comfortable sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with someone else. That doesn’t mean that you are exclusively dating. Bec IMO 1 month is too soon to exclusively date but rather you guys are exclusively sexual.
If I were you I would say this “Hey I saw you uploaded the new pics you sent me on the website. They look good. I have been wanting to talk to you about something. Now that we have been physical, I just wanted to know if you are sleeping with anyone else. If you are, that’s fine as I understand that it takes time to get to know a person and know if you want a relationship with a person. But I would like to continue dating you but with sex off the table as I am not comfortable sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with someone else who again may be sleeping with someone else.” This talk needs to be had face to face and not by text or phone as you need to see his non-verbal cues too. Then wait and listen. Do not react to his answer if it is not what you expected to hear. Instead thank him for being upfront with you and that you will get back to him after processing his reply.
If you want to then just think it over fine. If you want to come here and discuss it that’s fine too.July 29, 2014 at 5:20 pm #356570
I have a different perspective.
If you did not want him sleeping with other people, then you should have made that clear BEFORE you slept with him. Men do not take too kindly to taking it off the table because it looks like he is getting punished for a boundary you did not set. If you take that route, be prepared for him to back away.
Several other things:
A. NEVER EVER EVER look at the dating site where you met or facebook, as this is a one way ticket to upset-dom. It does nothing but make you crazy.
B. Learn the lesson of the sex thing – you should always be clear about what kind of relationship you want and expectations on exclusivity before you have sex. This does not mean date one, it means in the first few dates and generalized, not about him.
C. You have only been dating a month – a man gets 6-10 weeks to lock it down and act like a boyfriend. He is not in that window yet, and may be testing before he commits.July 29, 2014 at 5:27 pm #356572
I don’t think you should mention the pics on the website, any relationship and/or sex conversation can be had without mention of the website, it’s rather irrelevant and he could meet girls anywhere offline as well. Also, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, I made the same mistake recently. However, if you want to have sex with a guy and need for it to be sexually exclusive then you really do need to have that conversation before having sex. Now since you didn’t communicate your sex rules to him he has no way of knowing so when you do discuss this with him don’t make it seem like you blame him.
Just tell him that you understand that both of you are just getting to know one another and it’s very early on in the process but what are his thoughts on being sexually exclusive. Let him give you his answer, then based on his answer decide if you are ok with continuing having sex with him, or not. Either way you might want to thank him for his honest answer and that it helps you decide what you are ok with.
5 dates is very early on so I wouldn’t stress about online or even texts, what I do think you need to address is what you are ok with in terms of sexual activity with a non-boyfriend which is what this guy is.July 29, 2014 at 5:45 pm #356578
It’s 5 dates, relax!! Have fun!! Keep dating other guys so you don’t get too attached to just one so quickly. I wouldn’t say anything to this guy- just sit back and observe.July 29, 2014 at 8:33 pm #356592
Agree with most of the ladies, Option A less the “are we on the same page”.
You don’t ask a guy if you’re “on the same page”, you ask a guy on the first date “when dating are you looking for something casual or long term? Then just listen to what he says. If its anything along the lines of “I’m not looking for anything serious” or “I’m just dating casually right now” then BELIEVE HIM, because all you will become is an uncommitted FWB.
The both of you are still FREE AGENTS who are allowed to date, see, sleep, or talk to anyone you decide to do it with. Sorry, but you can’t ask a man to be sexually exclusive with you when you’re in the “getting to know you phase” UNLESS he brings it up. If you bring it up then you ARE asking for a COMMITMENT because that’s what “exclusivity” means to a man. Sorry, but its emotional manipulation and most men aren’t keen in being hijacked into one.
If you want sexual exclusivity, then you need to wait until he formally commits to you. So either wait for that before you have sex, or if want to try it go ahead, but you better be pretty darn sure he’s clearly stated that he’s not interested in dating anyone else but you at the moment. The fact he just updated his online profile is a sure bet he’s not and he’s allowed to do so.
I suggest you find out where he’s at mentally (segue in the “when dating …” question) and if it aligns with yours (looking for something long term) then just enjoy the time with him and put the relationship thoughts aside and continue to get to know him better. If it doesn’t align with yours (not looking for anything serious) then you need to decide if you want a FWB.July 30, 2014 at 2:42 am #356617
Juliette, Mel, Jade, Sherri, tallady, Inga, Judy1, Lane: thank you so much for your thoughtful responses – really great advice about the sexual exclusivity talk, which I think I’ll bring up (nicely/calmly/briefly) in person.
Sherri, I’ve been on the app for about 2 months, not sure about him but he’s had 4 serious girlfriends (last one ended last year) and dated a lot.
I’m trying not to freak out over him not texting since it’s out of the norm but ok, going to breathe/relax and let him chase because I need to work on really valuing/respecting myself. If I don’t hear from him until Wed night/Thurs though, any thoughts on how to respond (not ok with last minute plans but don’t wanna be too bitchy)?
I have other dates lined up now – will keep you posted & probably also come back with more questions as the 2nd month ends lol.July 30, 2014 at 7:23 am #356633
If he asks you out on a night you have plans, just say – hi there – so sweet of you to ask me out! Sadly, I already have plans :-(.
If you want, you can say when you are available if you want to. But, if you are frustrated, simply say.. Maybe a rain check….July 30, 2014 at 7:24 am #356634
Or…. Hi there! Shoot, I already have plans on Friday! Bummer…July 30, 2014 at 7:25 am #356635
If you name other available days and he delays securing anything or waits to respond, you are a free agent….July 30, 2014 at 10:01 am #356666
Agree with Talllady’s answer.
Sorry Lane, I always have the sexual exclusivity talk even when in an FWB. But then again I have it before getting physical when the guy is talking about sex and when I am making my decision whether I want to go further with him or not.July 30, 2014 at 10:33 am #356681
That’s fine if you have a general discussion about it IF he’s showing interest to let him know where you’re boundaries are and then gauge where he stands on the issue, such as “I don’t have sex with men unless we’re exclusive” and then listen to his response. But I would never tell a guy in the early getting to know you phase “You can only have sex with me while we’re dating.” First, its emotional manipulation that’s essentially FORCING a guy into a commitment, which sexual exclusivity is. Second, just because he may agree with you just to get or keep getting the cookie, doesn’t mean he IS or WILL unless you’re following him around and spying on him all the time.
If you’re getting into an uncommitted FWB having this exclusivity discussion is fine in order to establish parameters that both parties can agree to, but to expect it from someone who’s not even sure or doesn’t know if he likes you enough or even wants to get into a relationship with you is quite another.July 30, 2014 at 10:50 am #356687
Oh I agree Lane. I never ever force a guy into a commitment or try to sex a guy into a commitment. I tell them that I am not comfortable having sex/fooling around with someone who may be doing that with someone else who may be doing that with someone else. I tell them that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to continue dating them and getting to know them. It just means that sex and fooling around is off the table. It also doesn’t mean that we are in a committed relationship as he is ok to date other women just as I am ok to date other men. If they agree GREAT!! If not, there is always NEXT ;)July 30, 2014 at 11:04 am #356690
In my opinion what it all comes down to in relationships, dating, sex, etc. is the willingness to TRUST someone. It sounds like everyone is looking for some sort of guarantee that they won’t be hurt. There are absolutely NO guarantees. You can have all the pre-sex negotiations you feel compelled to have, they can say whatever they want to say. Take the time to really get to know them. Get to know their character, how they treat you on a daily basis and how they make you feel when you are with them and more importantly when you are not with them. This all happens OVER TIME. This is how trust is developed and earned – by BOTH people in the ‘relationship.’ Once you have a history and trust developed with this person I think you can absolutely know (with the exact same level of certainty as asking them directly) their position on sexual exclusivity and most importantly how you feel about each other.July 30, 2014 at 11:22 am #356694
Early on, I feel a bit awkward bringing up the sexual exclusivity talk, but I think now is an okay time to do it – we’ve had very open, comfortable conversations. I do agree with what you’re all saying though & will work on that.
Since he’s been the one initiating all the time & I’m trying to be unreactive/calm, I’ll text him later “Hey how’s work going? [something funny] Friday, wanna do dinner at XX 9PM?”
Then if we do meet on Friday, be charming/normal & then casually mention “I noticed you uploaded new app pics, they look great! So with dating, are you looking for casual or long-term?” Be prepared for any response & then segway “Since we’re both still active on the app, how do you feel about being sexually exclusive?” & gauge his reactions. No matter what he says though, trusting him is going to be the issue now & I’ll probably take a step back to process his responses/my feelings.
But date with a new guy tonight! Gonna have fun & try to not stress ;]July 30, 2014 at 12:04 pm #356709
Noooo, don’t do it NYC!
Do not to into “pursuit mode”. Do not ask him about “sexual exclusivity” Do not talk about the PICs he uploaded.
You are seriously putting the cart way before the horse has gotten out of the gate! Stop this thinking. Just ENJOY the moments you spend together doing “non-sexual activities”. Do not have “sexual exclusivity” talk unless you’re in a commitment and are establishing the parameters and boundaries of what YOU EXPECT in a commitment to determine if he follows those same parameters and boundaries.
Dating should be FUN while also learning about each other. This is the process where you need to watch him in numerous situations to determine his character, honesty, trustworthiness (follows through with what he says every time), is line with future goals (marriage / kids) to determine if you’re a good match, etc. This is what will truly count in the long run. Although sex is an important aspect of the OVERALL PACKAGE, it should never be the primary emphasis or consideration when getting to know someone on a deeper level.
IF he checks all the boxes and you check his based on ALL the discussions you’ve had and his actions and words mesh up, having great sex will only help to solidify this bond. BUT if you aren’t checking all his boxes, then no amount of sex will get him to commit to you. You’re looking at the dating process with distorted glasses.July 30, 2014 at 12:13 pm #356716
What I mean by BASIC questions is asking what their take is on a particular area, such as: How do feel about sexual exclusivity when in a commitment? What are your thoughts on marriage and children? “When dating are you looking for casual or something long-term?
Don’t ever call them out something like uploading pics on a dating website. You ARE NOT his GF, therefore its none of your business what he does or doesn’t do when you’re not in his presence. He’s grown adult single man who doesn’t need a lady he barely knows telling what he should or shouldn’t do. Stay out of his personal business and if such time he wants to move forward, ONLY THEN should you be having this discussion to make sure your both on the same page, so to speak.July 31, 2014 at 11:02 am #356843
Thanks, Lane. I get what you’re saying but my 2 limits now are: 1) not interested in casual flings, want to move towards something long-term with the right guy whoever he is, and 2) won’t have sex with someone who’s sleeping around. D & I continuing to date each other and other people is ok for now. But I’d rather ask what D’s looking for in a reasonable/friendly way (not pursuit mode, more to see if we can still date with or without sex depending on how he feels about sexual exclusivity) before more feelings develop on my part. I’m also at the point in my life where solely waiting on the guy’s schedule doesn’t work anymore (2-3 months max) and while casual safe sex is fun, my party days are over.
Updates: date last night was fun, nice guy but not really feeling it. I’ll go on a few more dates with him & other guys I meet.
D texted me yesterday (our last texts were 7/27), apologized for being busy, asked about my week & to reschedule Fri to next Wed because of work deals closing and he confused the dates his London bro was visiting. Legit reasons but now I’m starting to feel like an option, especially with his updated app pics. Yes, he has every right to do that (so do I), it’s still early &I won’t react negatively, but I’m working on putting a high value on myself (used to let guys walk all over me). I don’t have set plans for next Wed, want to chat with him soon but don’t want to be a pushover. He impressed me a lot the first month & it’d be great if that continued. Any suggestions? I’m thinking of replying ‘[small talk] Wed might work for drinks (though my gfs are still deciding a girls night out) can I let u know by Sun? Gl closing the deals! Have fun w your friends etc.’ & then follow up on Sunday.July 31, 2014 at 11:55 am #356862
I try to usually give people the benefit of the doubt but I don’t like this one. Was this the first time you had heard from him since last Sunday? How many dates have you been on with him in total?
If I were you, I would say ‘That’s too bad. Next week is really busy for me.’ Leave it at that. Don’t wish him luck, don’t tell him to have fun, don’t promise to follow up with him. Then just get busy doing something else. Get back online and schedule some new dates for yourself.
I don’t like what he is doing.July 31, 2014 at 12:16 pm #356864
I’m sorry – the number of dates was right in your title..July 31, 2014 at 12:25 pm #356866
Hi, I get the same vibe as Juliette is getting. I think he is doing the fade out. Don’t chase him. Live your life. I love the saying “be the type of person you’d like to date.”