1month-5 dates, amazing guy…who just updated his dating app pics

Hi NYCLady
I read through both of your options and both options include asking him if you are both on the same page which is very different than ‘saying nothing right now’ which is how Option A starts out. If you remove any mention of asking if you are on the same page from Option A, I would choose that option. Enjoy your dates with him and getting to know him better. Continue on the site yourself and keep dating other people as well.

A couple of questions: How long have you been on the site? How long has he been on the site?

I say go with A , one month is very soon but honestly if I was sleeping with him, I would expect him not to sleep with anyone else. So option A might have to be changed up a bit so he can understand why you’re not sleeping with him anymore .

I would not ask whether you are on the same page as it takes guys much longer to get to where we are thinking than girls. So while he thinks you are great company, he has not yet made up his mind about you and this is fine because its only been a month.

Where you went wrong IMO is that you thought he was not sleeping with anyone else. You said “We’ve been physical -it felt right”. But did not communicate the same to him. Just assumed that he was thinking the same. Always assume that the guy is not exclusive till you tell/ask him specifically if he is. That’s why I always mention that never sleep with a guy till you know for sure that you and he are on the same page. Also I don’t believe you can sex a man into a commitment. I always ALWAYS have a talk with the guy before we get physical – whether we are dating for a relationship or even if it is just FWB. I always tell them that I am not comfortable sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with someone else. That doesn’t mean that you are exclusively dating. Bec IMO 1 month is too soon to exclusively date but rather you guys are exclusively sexual.

If I were you I would say this “Hey I saw you uploaded the new pics you sent me on the website. They look good. I have been wanting to talk to you about something. Now that we have been physical, I just wanted to know if you are sleeping with anyone else. If you are, that’s fine as I understand that it takes time to get to know a person and know if you want a relationship with a person. But I would like to continue dating you but with sex off the table as I am not comfortable sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with someone else who again may be sleeping with someone else.” This talk needs to be had face to face and not by text or phone as you need to see his non-verbal cues too. Then wait and listen. Do not react to his answer if it is not what you expected to hear. Instead thank him for being upfront with you and that you will get back to him after processing his reply.

If you want to then just think it over fine. If you want to come here and discuss it that’s fine too.

I don’t think you should mention the pics on the website, any relationship and/or sex conversation can be had without mention of the website, it’s rather irrelevant and he could meet girls anywhere offline as well. Also, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, I made the same mistake recently. However, if you want to have sex with a guy and need for it to be sexually exclusive then you really do need to have that conversation before having sex. Now since you didn’t communicate your sex rules to him he has no way of knowing so when you do discuss this with him don’t make it seem like you blame him.

Just tell him that you understand that both of you are just getting to know one another and it’s very early on in the process but what are his thoughts on being sexually exclusive. Let him give you his answer, then based on his answer decide if you are ok with continuing having sex with him, or not. Either way you might want to thank him for his honest answer and that it helps you decide what you are ok with.

5 dates is very early on so I wouldn’t stress about online or even texts, what I do think you need to address is what you are ok with in terms of sexual activity with a non-boyfriend which is what this guy is.

Agree with most of the ladies, Option A less the “are we on the same page”.

You don’t ask a guy if you’re “on the same page”, you ask a guy on the first date “when dating are you looking for something casual or long term? Then just listen to what he says. If its anything along the lines of “I’m not looking for anything serious” or “I’m just dating casually right now” then BELIEVE HIM, because all you will become is an uncommitted FWB.

The both of you are still FREE AGENTS who are allowed to date, see, sleep, or talk to anyone you decide to do it with. Sorry, but you can’t ask a man to be sexually exclusive with you when you’re in the “getting to know you phase” UNLESS he brings it up. If you bring it up then you ARE asking for a COMMITMENT because that’s what “exclusivity” means to a man. Sorry, but its emotional manipulation and most men aren’t keen in being hijacked into one.

If you want sexual exclusivity, then you need to wait until he formally commits to you. So either wait for that before you have sex, or if want to try it go ahead, but you better be pretty darn sure he’s clearly stated that he’s not interested in dating anyone else but you at the moment. The fact he just updated his online profile is a sure bet he’s not and he’s allowed to do so.

I suggest you find out where he’s at mentally (segue in the “when dating …” question) and if it aligns with yours (looking for something long term) then just enjoy the time with him and put the relationship thoughts aside and continue to get to know him better. If it doesn’t align with yours (not looking for anything serious) then you need to decide if you want a FWB.

If he asks you out on a night you have plans, just say – hi there – so sweet of you to ask me out! Sadly, I already have plans :-(.

If you want, you can say when you are available if you want to. But, if you are frustrated, simply say.. Maybe a rain check….

If you name other available days and he delays securing anything or waits to respond, you are a free agent….

That’s fine if you have a general discussion about it IF he’s showing interest to let him know where you’re boundaries are and then gauge where he stands on the issue, such as “I don’t have sex with men unless we’re exclusive” and then listen to his response. But I would never tell a guy in the early getting to know you phase “You can only have sex with me while we’re dating.” First, its emotional manipulation that’s essentially FORCING a guy into a commitment, which sexual exclusivity is. Second, just because he may agree with you just to get or keep getting the cookie, doesn’t mean he IS or WILL unless you’re following him around and spying on him all the time.

If you’re getting into an uncommitted FWB having this exclusivity discussion is fine in order to establish parameters that both parties can agree to, but to expect it from someone who’s not even sure or doesn’t know if he likes you enough or even wants to get into a relationship with you is quite another.

In my opinion what it all comes down to in relationships, dating, sex, etc. is the willingness to TRUST someone. It sounds like everyone is looking for some sort of guarantee that they won’t be hurt. There are absolutely NO guarantees. You can have all the pre-sex negotiations you feel compelled to have, they can say whatever they want to say. Take the time to really get to know them. Get to know their character, how they treat you on a daily basis and how they make you feel when you are with them and more importantly when you are not with them. This all happens OVER TIME. This is how trust is developed and earned – by BOTH people in the ‘relationship.’ Once you have a history and trust developed with this person I think you can absolutely know (with the exact same level of certainty as asking them directly) their position on sexual exclusivity and most importantly how you feel about each other.

Noooo, don’t do it NYC!

Do not to into “pursuit mode”. Do not ask him about “sexual exclusivity” Do not talk about the PICs he uploaded.

You are seriously putting the cart way before the horse has gotten out of the gate! Stop this thinking. Just ENJOY the moments you spend together doing “non-sexual activities”. Do not have “sexual exclusivity” talk unless you’re in a commitment and are establishing the parameters and boundaries of what YOU EXPECT in a commitment to determine if he follows those same parameters and boundaries.

Dating should be FUN while also learning about each other. This is the process where you need to watch him in numerous situations to determine his character, honesty, trustworthiness (follows through with what he says every time), is line with future goals (marriage / kids) to determine if you’re a good match, etc. This is what will truly count in the long run. Although sex is an important aspect of the OVERALL PACKAGE, it should never be the primary emphasis or consideration when getting to know someone on a deeper level.

IF he checks all the boxes and you check his based on ALL the discussions you’ve had and his actions and words mesh up, having great sex will only help to solidify this bond. BUT if you aren’t checking all his boxes, then no amount of sex will get him to commit to you. You’re looking at the dating process with distorted glasses.

Thanks, Lane. I get what you’re saying but my 2 limits now are: 1) not interested in casual flings, want to move towards something long-term with the right guy whoever he is, and 2) won’t have sex with someone who’s sleeping around. D & I continuing to date each other and other people is ok for now. But I’d rather ask what D’s looking for in a reasonable/friendly way (not pursuit mode, more to see if we can still date with or without sex depending on how he feels about sexual exclusivity) before more feelings develop on my part. I’m also at the point in my life where solely waiting on the guy’s schedule doesn’t work anymore (2-3 months max) and while casual safe sex is fun, my party days are over.

Updates: date last night was fun, nice guy but not really feeling it. I’ll go on a few more dates with him & other guys I meet.

D texted me yesterday (our last texts were 7/27), apologized for being busy, asked about my week & to reschedule Fri to next Wed because of work deals closing and he confused the dates his London bro was visiting. Legit reasons but now I’m starting to feel like an option, especially with his updated app pics. Yes, he has every right to do that (so do I), it’s still early &I won’t react negatively, but I’m working on putting a high value on myself (used to let guys walk all over me). I don’t have set plans for next Wed, want to chat with him soon but don’t want to be a pushover. He impressed me a lot the first month & it’d be great if that continued. Any suggestions? I’m thinking of replying ‘[small talk] Wed might work for drinks (though my gfs are still deciding a girls night out) can I let u know by Sun? Gl closing the deals! Have fun w your friends etc.’ & then follow up on Sunday.

I’m sorry – the number of dates was right in your title..