Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I know what I need to do here but I just have to vent
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 1 week, 4 days ago by Maddie.
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Jeanie
I dated a guy for two months. In the past week I’ve been feeling like he hasn’t been making time for me. Like at all. Which I knew I just had to deal with bc the hadn’t had the exclusivity talk and in fact I had a date last Thursday. Throughout the week he gave me some very mixed messages. He told me a text I sent him about a hot guy in a hoodie really bothered him (I thought it was HIM that’s why I said that). He said another time that when I told him I was at the bar he was really jealous bc he knew there were guys around. That prompted me to ask him if he wanted me to not date other people. He said that’s what he wanted. Literally the next day I’m out with friends and I text asking if he wants to come to an event with my friends in two weeks. Tells me his next three weekends are packed. I say “if you want to be with me you’re going to start having to make time for me. If you don’t want to be with me that’s fine too but if you’re going to continue not making time for me then we simply aren’t compatible.” He said he’d make time for me this week but it felt begrudgingly. I said let’s talk later. He insisted on calling me even though I said no. He called me after I had been drinking with friends all day (I told him that morning not to text or call me bc it was an annual event and I knew I would not be of sound mind. We had a 50 min conversation that I only remember parts of. I remembered it ended badly so I called him yesterday. He was basically like you want all this time from me and “I didn’t sign up for this” and I found your behavior with regard to wanting more time “off putting.” In the moment I was upset and I simply said ok I won’t bug you about this anymore but upon reflection – he gave me mixed signals and then gaslit the hell out of me. So I’m out. Not that he’s called. We talk and text every day and I haven’t heard from him since we hung up yesterday morning. I’m so disappointed in myself for wasting my time. I thought he was a good one.
MaryWell, just be certain not to second guess yourself on this. It sure does sound like he was gaslighting you and that is about a need for control, which is weakness in disguise.
JeanieOh I’ve been second guessing myself since it all happened lol. I so appreciate your response, Mary, and I’m glad you see what I see. This is a tough one for me because we spoke every single day and got along really well. He even brought me a small meaningful gift last week when we met for a date so of course I’m wondering all day every day if I’m doing the right thing or not. At the end of the day we really aren’t compatible bc I want more time that he doesn’t have/doesn’t want to give to me and apparently doesn’t want to be exclusive despite what he says (bc if he did he’d make the time.) Just a tough pill to swallow but I won’t be reaching out. I know I need to start getting over it.
MaddieIt’s only been two months. Don’t beat yourself up. That’s not much time to get to know someone because it’s easy to be on best behavior for the first few months and only show what you want to. So it took him a couple months to show he’s not a good one for you, that’s okay. That’s why a lot of people don’t DTR until a bit later, to make sure they’ve gotten to know the person better first and don’t just have honeymoon period glasses on. It’s good you figured out he’s not a good match for you so quickly, and there’s nothing abnormal about this happening during early dating for you to be hard on yourself about. Though it’s okay to be disappointed things aren’t working out. I’m glad you know what you need to do, though!
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