Pregnant with Ex, getting an abortion, should I tell him?

If you are NOT going to keep it, then I don’t think he needs to know anything. My reply would have been totally different if you decided to keep it.. In that case, even if turns out that the father of the baby wants nothing to do with it, he has the right to know.

If it was a messy break up and you acted crazy, he is going to think this is a ploy to get him back.

Iris, why?

I’m asking because I like to take in other people’s point of view. If she is going through an abortion anyway, even if the break up was messy, why a guy should know he lost a child (that he might or might not have wanted)?

Isn’t it a sign of respect to avoid the unnecessary pain of letting him know since she said he doesn’t have any say on this anyway?

I don’t know, the more I think about it, the more I think is kind of cruel to tell him.
In addition to that, if she went a bit crazy over the breakup, sure thing he’s going to think she is telling him in a desperate attept to win him back.

Laura, I think its a sign of respect both ways. It’s respect if you are thinking of his feelings, but also respect that you feel even if you are broken up that he has a right to know what is happening to his child. I think in this case it really depends on what the mother needs, is it the support, will be not be supportive….. even if you know you’re getting an abortion, its still not an easy decision to make or an easy procedure to go through (mentally and physically). Maybe you should give him the opportunity to step up as a man in that respect.

My point is how is t ‘respect’ to tell someone that they have no say in a life and death situation?

My intention isn’t to hold it against him, and honestly I don’t know if I need the support or not. It’s a recent discovery and something I’m still processing. I don’t want to tell my family cause I know that they would disagree with the abortion on religious grounds and I don’t know if I want to get friends involved because of how personal it is and I don’t know how they would take it. He would be the only one I would be comfortable outside an anonymous setting like this to tell because he is part of the situation. The 1% uncertainty is that by some miracle he comes up with a solution, and I don’t mean getting back together but something from a child care perspective and financial as well. I have always wanted children, but am not willing/ able to have one alone with my current job which requires long hours and lots of travel and living in an expensive city also does not help. The 99% comes from the fact that I really can’t think of any other options and while I am open to ideas I don’t want guilt to be a reason I don’t have an abortion.

N. All this reasoning might have a logic if you didn’t have a messy breakup. I highly doubt that after that, the father would help in supporting the child. Having a kid is a huge responsibility and a lifetime commitment, emotionally and financially.

thinking about having an abortion is also a delicate choice and only you know what’s best, but as I have already said, if the break up was so messy, do you really think the guy would suddenly be happy to help? Are you 100% sure you are not fooling yourself and hoping that this would change his mind?

I’m not judging, it could be a human reaction to a situation like this one (I would be seriously freaking out if I were in your shoes) but thats not enough to involve someone who is clearly already out of the picture anyway.

He wasn’t a long-term relationship, that’s also something to take into consideration. You virtually don’t even know the guy, and if this was my baby, I would want to make sure that at least (in the remote possibility that the guy decides to be part of it financially) he would be a decent person to be around my kid.

Are you even sure about this? Nope, one month is nothing and you would want to give such a huge responsibility, concering YOUR child, to a complete stranger?

Yes, I make good money but my job is dependent upon the city I live in, washington DC, so moving is not necessarily and option. As for other jobs, it would be hard to find one elsewhere unless I make a complete career change in which case it would jeopardize the somewhat financial security I currently have. I also know that he can’t move either because of his job in the military. The child care part is the bigger issue more than money in that if I travel for work, I can’t take a baby with me. If it were a co-parenting situation, it might be a different story, but like Laura said, I don’t know the guy well enough to know what he would do or if he would even step up to the plate. If for some reason I was to have the child, I would want him/her to know their father, so I would hopefully get to know my ex more during the next few months and that would give me time to decide if he gets joint custody or not but before we get to that point, to continue with the pregnancy I would need to know that there is a plan in place.
If he were still my boyfriend, I would probably have a conversation with him about it because we would still be a partnership and the implied support would be there. The outcome would probably be the same since location and jobs would still be the same.

If you are at all considering having the child and co-parenting with this man, you may want to consult with an attorney before you tell him about the pregnancy. In most states, custody is not something that is up to you to “decide,” but rather the courts. In fact, if you must travel a great deal for your job, you are at risk that your ex could file for full/sole custody of the baby and you may even be in the position of having to pay him child support. People can be extremely unpredictable and vindictive; please think this all the way through. I was unfortunately in your situation and did not.

I wouldn’t given the circumstances. There is no point given you are 99% sure. You guys were barely dating. After dating for a month, this guy really is basically a stranger, you don’t know him. Your one percent hesitation seems to be hinged on a dream scenario where he would coparent with you. But you know really nothing about this guy to make a good assessment if he wants to parent, or even if he would be a good parent, and be supportive. He broke up with you….learning that he may have to parent a child with someone that he didn’t want to spend his life with can cause a lot of resentment. You could potentially end up in a more stressful situation and hinged to this stranger for the next 20 years. It’s a hard decision either way, and having been in the same situation, I am worried for you that you feel that you can’t tell anyone besides him. I trully doubt this guy would be able to support you in the way that you want as you go through with it, he’d be passed through the emotional wringer as well. Nothing worse than feeling abandoned when you feel at your most vulnerable. I was in the same predicament with religious parents and all as well, and didn’t tell my friends either. Going through this process, trying to figure out what I wanted was stressful. I ended up going to a sexual health clinic and talking to a counsellor. I would strongly suggest you seek out the same support as you try and process this all and come to a decision.

I think you need to assume you’ll be going it alone if you kept it. He may try to do the right thing to start with but the chances are he won’t be in that child’s life over the long term. The chances are financial support is the only support you’ll get from him, if that.

You shouldn’t base your decision on any promises he makes. You don’t know him and you don’t know if he can keep his promises. You may also get to know him over the coming months and find out he’s a horrible person and one you wouldn’t want around your child.

This is too big a decision to make based on someone else you hardly know.

Tell him if you want and find out his reaction but don’t make such an important decision based on him. I also think counselling it a good idea. Also, you do know you don’t have long to decide if you want to have the full range of options available to you don’t you? I can’t remember the cut-off point for a medical, rather than surgical, procedure but I think it’s around 8 weeks.

It’s his baby too and he needs to know. You should tell him. Do you have a family to support you, if you keep the child? You are 30 and it’s the right time for you to have a baby. I am sure you will be a great mom. Be brave!