This topic contains 59 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Jai 4 months, 3 weeks ago.
September 14, 2015 at 11:21 am #458142
I have been seeing this guy since 8 week now. We see each other only every 10-14 days. I don’t feel a strong desire from him to see me yet, and I am not sure if I should continue to be patient, or to give up with him.
Indeed, when we leave each other he doesn’t talk about or plan another date. He rather ask me out only late in the week for the next weekend, thus often I scheduled other things meanwhile and so we can’t see each other. I never cancel plans to see him and I have a busy schedule (including time with my kids), but that doesn’t seem to make him to step up and try to arrange things with me in advance. I have tried to propose some dates here and there, because I would like to see him more often, but each time he declines, so we only see each other when HE decides.
Otherwise we both enjoy our time spent together, we go out (dinners, shows, with PDA), he texts me regularly (several times a day, including good morning/good night messages), alway answer to my texts immediately or within minutes, started to call me in the evening recently, gives me some advices, ask me about my interests/values, show interest in my kids, keep me updated about his activities, and started to open himself more lately. Also he clearly stated from the beginning that he is looking for a serious relationship, and I don’t think he sees anybody else currently. BUT at the same time, he never let me see in any ways that he misses me, or that he wants to increase the pacing of this relationship. No flirting, no compliments, and not much kissing from him.
I am getting confused now, as typically a guy would either pull away or starting to show a little more interest at this stage? Am I losing my time with him?
Thanks a lot!September 14, 2015 at 11:32 am #458146
interested but doesn’t make plans to see you = NOT INTERESTED
In short, if he were interested those plans would be made period. I know its harsh but I’ve got at least two gentlemen in this predicament. I don’t wast my time with them anymore. After reading this forum and figuring out that a guys action will always out weigh his words, I don’t even ask “is he interested”.
Unless you WANT to have him in your life in this manner, and know that it won’t change you can keep up with this. If you want something more secure or stable you’d be wasting your time no doubt.September 14, 2015 at 11:40 am #458148
After 8 weeks a guy should know whether or not he wants this to progress and you should be seeing him more not less!! And if he fails to make plans and waits to the last minute to find out you’re already busy, he should step up and make plans earlier! If he’s not doing any of that the good morning/good night texts that take all of 15 seconds to send mean nothing. He should be missing you if there are almost 2 weeks between dates and you should be getting compliments and flirty texts, etc. I would start looking for another guy who shows you interest and wants to see you!September 14, 2015 at 11:40 am #458149
I agree with Teri.
When a guy is really interested in you he makes time to see you.
Also, you are scratching your head wondering how he feels about you.
There are plenty of men out there that will make plans with you in advance and won’t keep you guessing.September 14, 2015 at 11:47 am #458152
I am feel I am in a sort of similar position. In the VERY early stages of dating, have a great time together but he hasn’t really been in touch recently. He doesn’t ask me what my plans are.. I wrote him off as I presumed he wasn’t interested so I stopped contacting him. Then after 3 or 4 days (over a weekend) just when I stop thinking about him, he texts me late on the Sunday night (maybe bored now that his weekend is over?) saying “you given up on me already?” As if it’s me that hasn’t been in contact with him (I had been in contact through the week but felt it was me initiating and that I was getting one word replies.)
Is it possible that single men are just so used to being only concerned with themselves, are so absorbed in what it is that they are doing, that they are out of touch about how women work, and what women expect from a man in early dating days/how to be wooed? Also online dating has lowered the bar in regard to expectations and men can get away with putting in minimal effort? Some women somewhere will accept this lack of effort? Dating seems so fleeting now, do guys only message you or organise a last minute date with you when they are at a loose end and it happen to suit them at that point in time?
Since I had nothing to lose, I just had it out with him. I told him he needed to up his game or he’d be better off remaining single. He seem baffled and didn’t understand where I was coming from. He said he was interested. Should I not hold my breath???September 14, 2015 at 11:49 am #458155
Thank you everybody for the input. Sad but true!September 14, 2015 at 11:50 am #458156
Keep him on the back burner. Do not invest emotionally. Look for other guys, but if there is nothing better to do, you can text with him – why not? Just don’t deceive yourself and don’t get involved. 8 weeks is a long time but you only saw him a few times, so pace yourself back to where it is. If you were seeing each other normally, it would only be a couple of weeks, people tend to meet twice a week.
Be careful. It is very easy for guys to do all this texting but we women get emotionally involved and then get hurt. Your deserve better, so smarten up.September 14, 2015 at 11:55 am #458158
Please don’t go by what he says, watch what he does!!!!
I keep hearing and reading that its all in the actions! men are creatures of action that’s the bottom line.
I have stopped very recently asking this question simply because I’m tired of no action. C’mon already I say again if he SAYS he’s interested let him SHOW IT!September 14, 2015 at 11:58 am #458159
@ R, I’ve learned to keep my expectations low but my standards high.
I must say that was a ballsy thing to say to that guy.
In the future I wouldn’t even bother saying all that. A man is either going to step up or he’s not. Being told to do something won’t light a fire under his ass per se.
There is a guy out there that wants to court you, don’t bother with the ones that are too lazy to step up.September 14, 2015 at 12:06 pm #458162
I wouldn’t normally come out and say something like that to a guy so early on, and it’s probably not the done thing to do since we don’t owe each other anything. But I’d already written him off so had nothing to lose. And men and women don’t speak the same language, so why not just tell him plain and simple that I expect more? Now it’s over to him. Now he can either up his game to try to get my attention, or he can continue to acting disinterested and I’ll continue on my way.. (little did he know whilst he was not in touch over the weekend I wasn’t sitting by the phone waiting to hear from him, I was on a date with another guy, who actually wanted to talk to me and find out my plans! You snooze you lose sucker!!!)September 14, 2015 at 12:32 pm #458167
You said he didn’t owe you anything yet you called him out for not keeping in touch? No wonder he was baffled! You say you wrote him off because “I assumed he wasn’t interested so I stopped contacting him.” That’s where I think a lot of women go wrong. You get into a situation where they are initiating the contact and the guy gets used to it. They expect you to continue initiating the conversation and they sit back and have to do nothing. Hence you never know if they are interested or not. If instead you let the guy initiate from the beginning. Only respond when he contacts you, then there is no question when he’s interested and pursuing you.September 14, 2015 at 12:42 pm #458169
IDK if it’s a bad thing, but I tend to be like R. I say what is on my mind and really don’t care if they don’t like it. If they can’t handle that, then they cannot handle me in general as I am a very straight-forward person. So if he cowers away after that comment, better for me, I don’t have to worry about him anymore. I don’t like feeling like I have to tip-toe around men about how I feel about certain things.
But…is there a “right” way to tell them that their lack of effort is a turn-off without being so blunt? I’m sure I’ve scared off some decent guys due to what may be construed as abrasiveness.September 14, 2015 at 12:42 pm #458170
-After several weeks of dating the same guy-, I think men assume we – women – are ok with the attention and effort they are investing on the relationship/dating stage. But hey, they cannot READ our minds! How he would know we are not ok with it if we accept whatever from him when he finally makes plans, and we act like we are cool and ok with that?
But then, when we are alone we are pissed because we want more. Each woman is different, we have different needs and communication style. Some of us don’t require daily contact, some of us can be happy with a call or a message. Some of us can be happy having 1 day per week, some require at least three times per week to feel comfortable. So, if we don’t express what we want these men will know if they are doing ok or not. Men always complain about we women think they can know what we are thinking.
If he doesn’t step up, could be because:
*Woman is accepting whatever he wants to give, she shows she is happy with what she is getting from him.
*She is too available when he decides to show up.
*He is not really interested. So, he doesn’t care.September 14, 2015 at 12:59 pm #458176
Thank you all for your thoughts. I agree that this guy doesn’t show much interest. This is sad as I already dumped him earlier this summer for the same reason – but he continued pursuing me for one month, saying he was truly interested but just wanted to take is time, so I gave him a second chance. I should not have done so obviously…
@Maria: I wish I would be able to keep him on the back burner, but I really have difficulties to date a man without starting to get attached. I don’t like in between situations. Better break the ties now.September 14, 2015 at 3:03 pm #458215
Marie, when I first read your post I wanted to cry because I could have written it… and the wound is very raw. My friend of three years went on vacation several months ago for 2 ½ weeks (platonic) but when we returned began dating….. INSERT YOUR LETTER….. for 5 months. We dated every other Saturday evening because he had custody of his children the other weekends; and after the second month met on Sundays evening occasionally after he dropped them off. As for texting, no he didn’t text much… and hardly called in 5 months. I called / texted most of the time and I am not one to call /text much. Although when we did talk on the phone, we would speak for an hour or so. I never knew when he left if there would be another date until that Wednesday or the following. You stated he does not compliment you, does not flirt with you and hardly kisses you…. Well…. My friend would compliment me, he always did, always flirted but as far as being interested in me sexually; I don’t believe to this day he really was. (He was very much a gentleman with me rather odd considering I know what his reputation is….. understand?) In the end (recently) he told me that he was developing the same feeling for me that he had for someone who had hurt him badly when they left; I had made comments about leaving at the end of the year and he didn’t want to be hurt like that again. He wants to remain “friends” with me….??? and promises I am not a booty call. (Of course not, we didn’t. LOL) What I can tell you from this is…. I never knew where I stood in this “relationship”… ….. A girlfriend or just a friend standing in as a girlfriend till he found a real one? I was constantly second guessing myself and his actions or lack of. If a man is interested in you, he will let you know where you stand in his life…. There will be NO question…. It wasn’t until I went back in my memory to the last relationship (Which was a few years ago) and remembered how I was treated; when everything started clicking. I also purchased a book “He’s just not that into you.” I swore I would never buy that book, but I did…. and I must say it was logical. Had I followed this with my friend (and a few others), I wouldn’t have ended up where I am today. My advice, date a few men (at the same time) not just one. Let them come to you…. You are the Princess and deserve to be spoiled. If they can’t get off their butts and take us out, call us, text us, show continuous interest….. do you think they will do ANYTHING for us once we have them…eh, no. Let the next women who wastes time texting / calling / chasing them…….have them… (just a thought…lol)October 25, 2015 at 3:51 am #470430
I have a similar situation with a man. We have been together for 31 months. His name is Matt and is 40 years old, ( this year in 2015) and lives in Sacramento.
We met in our apartment complex and he knows my family and kids. He makes a point of ensuring we see each other everyday. But, after work he rests until the evening usually 6-7 ish, he gets off work at 4:30 and home by 5pm. I understand that he wants to relax after work but he rarely comes by after to visit with me and my kids, after work. We usually get together after 7-8ish file a late dinner and relax time. Than on his every other Friday off he doesn’t make plans with me. This is frustrating bc I need to have my time organized as well. His expectation is that we spend every night together, but when I bring up making plansFebruary 26, 2016 at 12:15 pm #509992
I’ve been seeing thins guy for a little bit more than 6 months. His schedule is awful. He works from 5pm to
12am.Goes home like at 2am gets home by car like at 3:15 or so. Sleeps until 1 or 2pm. Gets ready to go back to work everyday. We see each other after 12am when we do, I’m the one that makes plans if we don’t go to his apartment we’ll go out to munch on something or have a drink. What should I do? I mean he’s a sweetheart when I see him and calls everyday before work. The goodles morning/night text & is a bit jealous. What would be your opinion towards this situation?
Thanks 🙂February 26, 2016 at 12:34 pm #510002
He’s too busy…February 27, 2016 at 3:21 pm #510406
Lol that’s true. He should ay least try to make time? Or am I asking for too much
????February 27, 2016 at 3:21 pm #510407
Lol that’s true. He should ay least try to make time? Or am I asking for too much
????February 27, 2016 at 3:23 pm #510409
Yeah I know. Should he make more time or am I asking for too much?February 27, 2016 at 3:26 pm #510413
If he doesn’t make plans to see you regularly, he’s not interested. He’s probably keeping you on the back burner in case his other options don’t pan out. Forget about him and look for someone else.June 14, 2016 at 11:09 pm #540301
I met a guy 3 weeks ago. for the three times we met, I invited him or asked if I could see him. while his weekends are busy I have shown previously that I am free during the week too. the thing is he ke texts everyday. he never ignores my text and seems genuinely interested in getting to know me. but why does he not set dates or make plans to see me. I’m no longer making the plans and waiting for him to move.June 15, 2016 at 4:19 pm #540505
He might be juggling many women at a time or he’s already taken. No rocket science here.
Stinks of lack of interest.June 15, 2016 at 4:58 pm #540521
It’s only been 8 weeks, give it more time and be patient. But do not make him your priority. Stay a little detached in case things don’t work out. Keep seeing others casually.
Why would you want to end it? Unless you have someone better, wait and see how it goes. You can always put a break on it later on. Just make sure not to invest into him emotionally.