Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › How long should I wait?
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Belle
This is not a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of situation. I was talking to this guy for a few months and at the beginning things were great. Then something happened and he stopped calling or showing any kind of interest. Since I was also talking to other guys at that time, I thought he just didn’t like me enough and I let it go. I’m not the kind of person who’d ghost you, so I kept on answering his texts, though I was a lot colder than before. Then one day he asked me why was I acting so weird (lol) and I explained that I thought he’d lost interest. He then proceeded to say that was not the case at all. That he was actually catching feelings for me, but he didn’t want things to go like his previous relationship (she cheated on him and then told everybody in town he was the cheater).
I told him it was okay if he needed to take some time, but he said he wanted me. So we started talking again and I was the one falling this time. I stopped talking to other guys (I know, I shouldn’t have, but I really liked him). I was trying to give him time to heal, but things didn’t get much better and I then decided to leave. I told him the way he was behaving was not what I wanted from a man, that I didn’t want to be waiting for him all the time and that he needed to get over what happened in the past before he could give us a chance. I told him to take some time and that if he still wanted me after thinking about everything, he could text me. He didn’t answer those texts, so maybe he’s done with me. I don’t know, should I wait? And for how long? Or should I just cut him off completely?Raven
Have you met in person?
Not the real Lily Collins
Do you guys know each other beforehand or did you meet via dating apps? And what Raven said, have you guys met in person?
Does not seem like he’s keen on progressing further with you. Whatever the reason, be it not interested or the classic I’m-not-emotionally-available, you should not wait for him. He’s half in half out. Well, he’s not even half in.
Belle
We haven’t met in person. We were going to, but he then said I shouldn’t be traveling because it’s still dangerous and we had decided to wait longer. I mean, it’s not like I can blame him for giving up, I was already expecting this to happen in a way.
Yes, I guess you are right. I was just hoping, but I should probably just let it go.
Thank you for your answers!Franny
This is not a relationship. You cannot “catch feelings” (I hate that expression) for someone you have never even met. It’s the *idea* of the other person, not really the actual person, you’re hung up on.
I don’t know why women lay all their cards on the table immediately, especially when it’s just a texting situation. People don’t like to be backed into a corner; guys respond particularly badly to this.
Stop talking with this person.
I am so tired of hearing myself say this but please please please, girls, stop chasing guys, stop thinking a texting situation is a relationship, stop building your lives around a guy. I see too much insecurity and game-playing. Have your own life, keep busy, know who you are, enjoy your own company. If a guy shows you attention, you can engage and be charming but it’s also important to be guarded.Belle
Thank you Franny.
I know what you’re saying is true. I do believe I am not in a very good place right now and sometimes it’s hard to “live my life”. I had so many things planned for this year, but everything got ruined because of the virus and right now I’m stuck in a situation I feel suffocating, where I am not feeling fulfilled by my job and can’t follow my dreams. I’ve been trying to feel better, to not think about this guy or any other guy. I keep myself busy and I do yoga and journaling for meditation, but every once in a while it hits me and I guess I just feel lonely and scared. Especially because we had so many adventures planned and I feel like I really needed that right now. Anyway, thank you for your answer, I will stay strong and hopefully soon I won’t have to remind myself that I’m not really into him but just into what we could have been.mama
Belle,
You are not alone in your disappointment and anxiety about what’s going on in the world today. Many of us have had a lot of our plans and dreams ruined by the pandemic.Self care is important — it’s great that you’re doing some healthy things for yourself! Maybe find a counselor to talk to to sort out some of the anxiety you’re dealing with. At the very least it will help you make choices about relationships from a stronger mental and emotional place. I wish you well!
Franny
Bella, you sound like a thoughtful person. I understand the loneliness and panic and fear all too well. I made very unwise decisions because of that fear. Each time an opportunity presented itself, each time a guy showed me some attention, I was immediately all in. While it’s true most (all, actually) of these guys were jerks, I didn’t protect my heart, I ignored the signs that these were unhealthy situations, and I didn’t really take the time to see if these dumb guys were worth it (they weren’t). After a particularly harrowing experience, I took time away from looking for someone to just take care of myself and enjoy being by myself. And the right person appeared at the right moment and I was able to recognize it.
The same will happen for you. You will not be alone forever.
Lisa
Darling, you are amazing. If you feel not good where you are right now. Try to create a place for yourself. Forget that guy. I had a similar situation..I cut him off. He always told me “i am busy”.. (s*** words) and planned things with us without asking me.. Practice yoga, take care of your mental health and body. Hugs
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