HELP! Confused after meeting up with my ex


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  • #658328 Reply
    Nicole

    Hi ladies,

    I’m mainly writing here for a bit of support and maybe to vent a little. I’m stuck in my head and I can’t seem to figure out what has just happened so any advice is appreciated (sorry if it’s a little long).

    So I met up with an ex two nights ago, we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months after we mutually had to take a break from each other. We had been talking a little over the past month and I felt that I was strong enough to meet up.

    In the time we were a part, I feel like I got a little of my backbone back and realised that what happened with us wasn’t in my best interests and I deserved better. He never walked over me but his behaviour was a bit sketchy because of things happening in his life and it made me anxious a lot of the time and I lost a fair bit of weight purely from stress. I still missed him and thought I was strong enough to be friends because in the past six months I have been busy with work and gone on a number of dates.

    Everything was great- we laughed and had lots of fun. I made it clear we weren’t going to sleep together but we did surpass a few boundaries and did end up making out heavily, it became so hard to resist. I said that I thought it was best that we remain friends for right now because he’s not in a place to date and I’m not 100% sure I am either. He said in the future he sees us being together and other people around us at the restaurant even commented on us as a couple, which was a bit uncomfortable lol.I felt I was still in control and the next day he continued to message me, telling me how great the night was. When I said I really enjoyed it but we needed stronger boundaries, he replied “so we will stick it out as friends then?” and I said “yes, friends with no benefits, can you do that?” to which he replied “Sure” with a laughing face and then we continued to message until the conversation died down.

    I’m not really sure what to make of the whole situation. I think I now feel worse because it was clear that both of our feelings are still there but I’d be scared to jump back into a relationship with him again. I’m scared that now I’ve set those boundaries he’ll walk away, even though he never said that. I think I’m just panicking because I assumed after all this time maybe we wouldn’t feel the same way and I don’t want to be hurt again.

    How does this situation sound to everyone? Am I overreacting? What should I do? I’m stuck in a place of thinking he’s the right guy in the future but frightened of being alone if I were to ever wait for him!
    Thank you!! :)

    #658342 Reply
    peggy

    Hi Nicole-I say the future is NOW. Either he wants you and wants to work on things to be with you-or he doesn’t. No half-baked in between. No “friends” crap say I . I would be scared too. Let him be. If he contacts you again tell him that since he is not sure what he wants now,you are moving on. He will step up or fade away. Say no to anything less.

    #658348 Reply
    Nicole

    Hi Peggy,

    Thank you for responding :) I am in a bit of a crazy headspace right now.I feel like when I read messages on here the answer is obvious but I’m in a fog and don’t know how to approach this situation at all, particularly because it caught me off guard.

    I did say to him that in the future obviously I would have a new partner and he became jealous and I told him that either I’d be with him or someone else, there are no other options. I said it point blank because to me that seemed obvious and not to make him upset. Shortly after thats when he said that he sees us together in the future but wanted to know the situation he had (that he has a child) whether that affects how I see him.

    What would make you scared in my situation? That i’ll never hear from him again or just that its an uneasy situation? I think both make me anxious lol.

    I also did say that if he wants to hang out again he can initiate it which he agreed and said he would be the one to message about that so I guess i’ll have to wait and see what happens there too

    #658349 Reply
    Emma

    Why would you offer him a FWB? this something most women dread, half of the advice on this forum is how to AVOID being caught up in this trap, the pine you handed to him on a silver platter. What were you thinking girl?

    You have a strong history together, you broke up and were out of contact for 6 months. if you restart as FWB this will be the END of any potential. You will end up in a mess. 99% of all FWB end in a mess, where a woman gets hurt.

    You need to tell him you did not mean that or that you changed your mind. Understand that by being afraid you are only going to shoot yourself in the foot. Afraid that he would walk away now? then how are you going to get him to commit? why would he ever commit if he can’t do it NOW and also has you available to him at his disposal with no obligations?

    I am really confused about your reasoning.

    The only way for you is to take your life serious and stand your ground. If he loves you he won’t be afraid, he won’t be afraid to work on things and solve the previous issues that led to your breakup. if you love him, you would do the same and you will NOT be able to do FWB.

    Stop thinking it is a TV show, it is your life. You won’t get another one. Be true to yourself and act with integrity and dignity. Those cynical FWBs and casual arrangements are dangerous, especially for women. They are beneficial to men who want to sleep around without any obligations, moral or financial. In some rare circumstances is suits women too, but very rarely. If you have feelings for a person you cannot do FWB with this person.

    I’d tell your guy to make up his mind on what he feels and wants and then let you know. He needs to ask you. Did he ask to get back together? He needs to ask you, without it, you are getting yourself in a trap that would result in another heartache for you. There is an easier way to lose weight, don’t you think? LOL

    #658350 Reply
    peggy

    Nicole-scared tat he will flake out again. I repeat,he needs to be all in or all out-you deserve nothing less.

    #658375 Reply
    Nicole

    Thanks ladies! I appreciate your advice and positive outlooks for me :) I think I am feeling sick because I realise that after all this time a part I do love and care about him still and that only happened after seeing him again BUT i’m also terrified of our relationship failing again but I need him to take the lead right now.

    Emma: I don’t want FWB with him, I meant either a platonic friendship or a relationship and no in between. I realise that we were a little physical when we met up but I made sure there was no actual sex element because I told him that makes it messy for us and we deserve better. He didn’t ask me to be his gf again and I said if he was ever ready for that to tell me which he said fine and he did see me in his future.

    Peggy: Thank you, I do dread that because he can be inconsistent (in all relationships) so I worry he’ll either just fade off or go and find someone else and I’d hate to see that. During the time we were a part he met someone else for a month and even though he came back to me, it was still awful.

    #658376 Reply
    Nicole

    And yes Emma, losing weight is not my priority HAHA so I don’t want to go down that road again!

    #658389 Reply
    Tina

    Your feelings for him are not gone, so you cannot be his friend. As friends, you should be happy for each other if you found new love. Can you say you could do that? Support him with his new GF? Could he do that for you? If not, then you are not true friends anyway.

    Also if you stay around him will you be able to move on? I bet not. So why would you stick around? Hoping that somehow he will change, see your true value? He will not, especially not if he still gets the benefits of having you around.

    Move on. Take more time for yourself. Date others.

    #658409 Reply
    Miss_A

    Here’s the part I don’t understand:

    “In the time we were a part, I feel like I got a little of my backbone back and realised that what happened with us wasn’t in my best interests and I deserved better. He never walked over me but his behaviour was a bit sketchy because of things happening in his life and it made me anxious a lot of the time and I lost a fair bit of weight purely from stress.”

    Did he treat you badly? What kind of “sketchy behavior” are we talking about? How he acted in the past is a strong predictor of how he’ll act in the future.

    #658413 Reply
    Khadija

    I hate to burst your bubble but you cannot be friends with an ex that you have feelings for.

    One of two things will happen. You will either start hooking up with him or get back together.

    I mean you already made out on the first meeting. Friends don’t make out with each other.

    In your post you mentioned having a backbone, well don’t settle for this, you clearly want to get back together.

    Anything less than sitting and working things out is a waste of your time.

    #658417 Reply
    kaye

    I agree with Miss_A, either you realized being with him wasn’t in your best interest and you deserved better or you didn’t. Which is it? Why do you all the sudden think he could be the “right guy in the future”? Nothing has changed since the breakup. One night having dinner together and making out didn’t solve any of your previous relationship issues did it?

    It’s not unusual to meet up with an ex and find out the chemistry is still there and there are feelings still there and to have a bit of nostalgia in seeing them again. That’s because it’s human nature to remember the good times and forget the bad times. Seems you’ve totally forgotten how your were anxious most of the time and even losing a good amount of weight from the stress. The only time that has happened to me was when I was going through my separation after my 24 year marriage. It’s not a good feeling. We can miss lots of things but that doesn’t mean they’re good for us. I’ve been on a diet for the last 6 weeks and I miss Krispy Kreme doughnuts but I know they’re not good for me! LOL

    One night of laughing and having fun with him and you already surpassed some of the boundaries you set up. You even told him you needed stronger boundaries so don’t think he doesn’t know if you want to still hang out as “friends” that he can’t continue to push those and get you back in bed with him. I’ve tried to be friends with several exes and I would say 99% of the time the fun little banter has turned sexual and boundaries have been crossed and it just didn’t work to stay friends. I think that can only happen years down the road and not just 6 months. You are already scared to lose him entirely by setting these boundaries so that tells me you may be inclined to bend them in order to keep him in your life. That’s dangerous territory to navigate. Which is why everyone recommends no contact and moving on. You’ve just created a huge setback in seeing him again and lost 6 months of progress..

    #658426 Reply
    Hannah

    When you were with him, you felt you had no backbone, you were anxious and lost weight. He’s inconsistent and a terrible partner.

    You’ve spent 6 months getting over this and you’re putting yourself through this again?! What a waste of 6 months unless you stop right now.

    He was a terrible boyfriend. He’ll make a terrible friend (see above how he makes you feel).

    I bet you can feel all that good work you did for 6 months unravelling right now.

    Sometimes people are toxic to our lives. You need to cut them out. It’s the only way.

    #658464 Reply
    Phillygirl

    The others who said you can’t be friends with an ex you have feelings for are absolutely right.

    You can NOT be afraid to lose him. Wrong mentality. The right mentality is never settling for less than your (reasonable) boundaries. The RIGHT men step up. The WRONG ones step out. That’s a good thing,

    You can NOT find the right man when you are still clinging to the wrong one.

    Tell you two can not be friends, and you are moving on with your life. If he changes his mind about a serious committed relationship, he can reach out, and if you’re available you can see. Tell him NOT to contact you for sex, anything casual or anything less than what you already stated. If he does, it proves he has NO RESPECT for you. If he continues to try and play these games, it PROVES he has no respect for you.

    Never settle for someone who repeatedly disrespects you and dismisses your boundaries.

    I really think you are wasting you time with this guy. You need to let go and get over him. Only distance and time away allows that. You are stuck on him because you refuse to cut him loose

    #658473 Reply
    Nicole

    Thanks for all of your comments,i’m going to keep reading them until it sinks in how much he has to lose too. In the time we were a part, I realised I was such a good catch and he let that go so its been really helpful to be reminded of what I deserve again! Thats why I felt strong enough to meet up but I wasn’t ready for all of those feelings to come back. In the 6 months, I have dated but only one guy has stood out and that was a relationship that didn’t really have longevity so I think seeing this ex makes me think he’s so great again :( I will however see through his actions and how he respects me or not so thank you for reminding me of that :)

    @Tina: You’re right, I couldn’t see him with another girl. Yes, I could accept it but no, I’d rather he have no one or me lol.

    @Miss A: I wouldn’t say he treated me badly, he’s not a toxic person but in a nutshell, he just had such inconsistent behaviour and isn’t the greatest communicator. For the first few months he was amazing, we became exclusive, I met everyone important in his life and then he changed and I was the one constantly being the support but when I needed him, he was only ever half there. He never cheated or anything but would forget dates planned and would become avoidant. He does also suffer from what I think is a bit of depression and while I accepted that, I would become anxious because thats not how you should treat your girlfriend.

    I know thats a strong indicator and the other night he asked me if a situation he had going on would make me hesitant to be with him and i said not really and that there were other areas of our relationship that would make me hesitant again lol

    @Khadija: Thank you! I do want to show him I have a backbone. I feel like he’s mostly in control and thats not fair either so thanks :)

    @Kaye: Thank you, yeah i think i am disappointed because it took me 4 of those 6 months to not miss him anymore and I really started to like someone else but now I feel shut off again from dating because it seems too scary. I won’t contact him and see what happens

    @Hannah: Thank you- I was worried that everything i’ve done in the past 6 months was lost but maybe it isn’t. I know, I have to be stronger than him now, i felt strong to meet him and now I feel worse than ever which means we can’t see each other for some time

    @Phillygirl:Thanks- I know you’re right, for some reason I can never let him go. It’s been almost 2 years of our back and forth. You are right about respect though, he will show it in his actions, if we are friends then he won’t push anything more and be good to me. I guess ill just have to keep moving and see if he does that :(

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