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Maddie.
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Ella
Hi, I posted about a lil over a month ago about this situation and started to feel like I am stepping into a zone which I don’t like.
Some background: I am 22, he is 21. We both go to different colleges, but live very close to each other at home. Over the winter break, we went out on 3 lovely dates at home. He brought up “where this is going” talk on the second date, ( I had no intention to do so I kind of knew what this was) and he basically made it clear he may want to pick things back up when we are able to do so (both at home), but for right now, lets keep in touch casually. He told me he doesn’t know what he wants, and doesn’t want to do a long distance relationship. I agreed to the long distance relationship part as I did not want that either, but told him I am not looking for a friends with benefits situation ultimately at the end of the day. I was proud of myself for putting my foot down there, and I could tell it was registering it in his head…but now this past month-ish so of casually keeping in touch is borderline driving me nuts.
He is the only one who texts me first. Only like maybe once a week if anything. My guy friend tells me he is doing that to keep me in the back of my head so he can just hit me up to have sex when he is home. Part of me agrees with that…another part I am not too sure. This guy did not push for sex, and he seemed to be very candid about his feelings/where he is at, emphasizing (at the time) how much he liked me, wanting to take it slow. I have not been texting him first, and just been polite and really trying to remove him from romantic prospect box in my head into just a friendly person box, but I am having major difficulty doing so. Some times I am chill with it, other times I do not look forward to the texting conversation as I am overanalyzing why he is reaching out to me at all. We purely just talk about movies and television shows–the conversation has substance, but never asks me how I am doing (I realize I may be nitpicking here…but just hear me out). He said he has no expectations, and yet here, I catch myself having expectations to then trying to erase that. I am in a tug of war with myself of what I should and should not be feeling.
I am talking to a few other dudes, but living in the city in covid and winter, not a lot of great options at the moment to get myself intensely back out there in the dating game, so only texting really a bunch of dudes at the moment. I am so busy with a heavy course load as it is my senior year, and trying to focus on job and finishing out my degree the best I can, I go back & forth to being like “am I just overanalyzing this because its more fun than school work sometimes?” to “I really do not like this and I think its just kind of silly at this point”. I can’t believe I am about to type this next part out, this is so trivial, but he added me to a “private” thing on his social media–only for his friends and other people he “allows” to see stuff he posts. I was so scared I was deemed one of the “bros”, and now I am for sure the nail is in the coffin with that one. He shared something about wanting love on his private thing…. And it made me so upset. I don’t think I can play this stringing along for the hell of it game, when I know deep down, I want something emotionally satisfying. If anyone could help me on 1) should I do a slow fade? 2) just speak up and out with it? 3) really try to limit contact with him in general?
I also blame winter for this. I know in warmer weather I would be seeing a bit more people and feeling like myself. Also its the peak of the term, and I am exhausted in all aspects. But I know I do NOT need to overanalyze what some dude is posting onto social media and let alone, texting me, and trying to decode something, I feel like I am in gradeschool. I just want a man to SHOW UP and put in effort. I like him (this the first guy I have felt chemistry with in over a year)…but at what cost? Thank you. Sorry for so long I have been studying and it feels cathartic to type out.
Raven
Did you remove yourself from the ‘group?’
Maddie
You may as well cut things off with him, as it’s not getting you anything and there’s no opportunity for that to change for several months. And then what, in the fall does he go back to school and disconnect again (is he a junior or also a senior)? Save yourself the trouble if you’re looking for a committed situation. I agree he’s trying to keep you on the back burner, whether for future sex or companionship, but there’s no space for this to go anywhere in the near future and you’re too young to get emotionally invested in something that will distract you from being truly open to other better options.
You did the right thing communicating upfront that you didn’t want a FWD. Now hide his social media presence from yourself and next time he texts, tell him you’ll be busy for a while with upcoming work and job hunting, and then stop responding. If he’s interested in coming back seriously in the future when you’re geographically closer, and if you’re both still single, he’ll let you know. You don’t need to do anything else… in my opinion, you don’t need to speak up any further than you already did after only 3 dates that didn’t become anything.
Ella
Raven–No, I have not, I honestly forgot I could mute it and remove myself. So thank you, I will do that. At first I thought it was nice he felt comfortable adding me to it, but now I realize its not a good thing at all (even though its so trivial).
Maddie– He is a junior, year below me, and I am a senior, so I knew that this may be complicated, but we live so close to each other when we are home, I thought “ok, no harm keeping in touch casually since we both have a lot of things in common (we both want to go into same industry), maybe pick it back up” but obviously once I got out of my little romantic haze…I realize at BEST this would just be a summer fling. That’s it. Our college schedules don’t even line up. I am on a quarter system, so I graduate in mid June, while he will be back home beginning of May. To be fair, I like to go home on the weekends, as I am only a hour away, to help out my parents, but that would require a lot of clear communication that in hindsight doesn’t seem complicated, but from what he proposed, I don’t think we will reach an agreement even with that. Then he will go back to school in the fall, and then what? I at first didn’t see harm in a hometown thing, but I don’t think I am cut out for it at all, when I know I am looking for something to progress. Starting and stopping is not what I want. Sigh. Thank you for advice as well.
Kim
If starting and stopping the relationship isn’t what you want then be honest and tell him. What happens when you guys are at college? He’s probably booking up with others. When you tell him he’ll either step up to the plate to commit to making an effort with you or he won’t. Don’t settle for something less than what you deserve.
Lane
Ella, I know women are better at ‘multi tasking’ but the problem with it is you spread yourself too thin, and that’s not a good head space to be in, especially when dating. If I were you, I would give up on men at the moment; just focus on your studies, and career prospects for the time being.
Maybe when you’re settled with a job, and place to live you can return to dating. But for now, I would just enjoy your youth (doing what you want, when you want, anytime you want, with whomever you want), and enjoying your new adventure while being single as it can be a blast without feeling so burdened by guy angst or stress. I would go on non-dating binges, for a year or so when I was your age, and made some awesome memories that I would have never had the chance to do or experience if I was bogged down with a BF. Live a little, as you have plenty of time to worry about guys :o)
Ella
Ladies—all of you were right and I was happy to be self aware at least a little but so today he told me he was home, as was I, for spring break, though he is doing classes from home. He at first said “im currently home as well”..like what am I supposed to do with that? AND HE SAID THIS OVER SNAPCHAT. NOT EVEN A TEXT. And all I said was “well look at that”. Then he said “maybe we should link up” and that again turned me off, why is he saying this over SNAPCHAT. Finally I said in response to that after being incredibly upset for 20 minutes, then regained composure “just text me and we can make possible plans”. Then all of a sudden he back pedaled and said “I have a lot of homework and exams this week but if I realize I have some time I will absolutely text you”. What. This is not worth my time AT ALL anymore. He was clear that this was a flexible thing but now I feel stupid over the fact he couldn’t even text me he was home???? This was over snapchat???? Its done, I am done and sick of beating a dead horse. Thank you all for good advice. I clearly had some type of bare minimum expectations and was absolutely ruined by it failing. I feel so silly I even entertained this.
Maddie
It’s okay, don’t beat yourself up too much. Because you’re young, you’re still bound to come across this situation again and again, and now you’re prepared to recognize it quickly and know it’s a waste of your time without getting very involved. Honestly, 22 is young to learn that, I was older lol.
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