This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Raven 2 weeks, 5 days ago.
September 26, 2020 at 9:22 am #815009
I’ve been talking to this guy for three months who is three hours away. His job moves him around everywhere but we both are looking for a relationship. It has been a little hard the distance but we have been trying.
We have had one disagreement over political beliefs but decided we liked each other more than that disagreement. His work does cause us to cancel many dates. It’s also talking about moving him again but it’s not final. He didn’t want to stop talking.
We were discussing dating and how to make a long distance relationship work if we decided to date. He said at first he saw us working but in time getting harder. That in all honesty from his experience that long distance doesn’t usually work. I then asked if he was one of those guys who change girls when he changes location or if he was with a girl just in the moment.
He got so mad at me, saying I was making assumptions about him that were not true. He got really offended.
I tried genuinely apologizing and even explaining my concerns. I tried texting wanting to work things out and accepting I was wrong. He just ignored me.
I finally messaged him a final good bye saying that long distance would never work if we have no communication. That that’s all you have in a long distance relationship. That if you won’t talk and work through your problems that it would never work. That no one is perfect and makes mistakes. All types of relationships have fights or disagreements but it’s how you handle them that makes and breaks them. Running away never fixes anything. If this mistake meant more to him then me we have nothing.
Would you break it off with someone over this? Is he over reacting?September 26, 2020 at 10:07 am #815011
I think you struck a nerve and inadvertently nailed him with your question, which is why he got so mad.
LDRs are difficult to navigate, and three hours of distance is a lot to do for a date. He’s not going to travel six hours to see you for a four date unless they’re madly in love, so was he planning to come for the weekend? Does he work on weekends? There’s a lot of weekends in three months and yet he hasn’t made it over to see you.
Work might move him again. Where, farther away but he wants to keep “talking”? That’s all he’s interested in doing.
Your argument for communication during LDR is spot on, so take your own advice to heart. No need to try to sway him anymore. Write this one off and move forward.September 26, 2020 at 10:12 am #815013
He does work weekends. He asked me to be patient with his work schedule we have been planning to meet. We were supposed to meet one weekend but my ac went out and I had to get it fixed.
I deleted his number and messages. You can’t for someone to talk to you.September 26, 2020 at 10:23 am #815018
I think acting like this when he is 44 years old instead of just coming out and saying “its completely over its never going to work,” instead of just ignoring me says a lot after 3 months of constant talking.September 26, 2020 at 10:53 am #815024
Hugs. I had a similar situation happen when I gave advise to a man I was dating about something he said he wanted to do. We were exclusive, the conversation was less than 15 minutes and yes, I gave advise he did not ask for, but he shut down and ended our relationship very soon after without trying to fix it. We had even discussed talking through problems and in the end, I am still guessing if that was the issue because he never articulated anything other than he was no longer into it.
So firstly, you should not be invested in men you have never met or are not your boyfriend. Why did you never meet?
He did not technically break things off because there was just talking. Is it rude? Yes, but again why are you invested in a man not your boyfriend and never met.
That said, there are times when someone is so triggered and just exit. Not everyone is capable of talking things through.
You learned some lessons here….September 26, 2020 at 10:54 am #815025
It does say a lot. I’m glad you’re moving on. Good for you. 😊September 26, 2020 at 10:56 am #815026
Btw, the point of my story is that some people get triggered and leave.
My relationship was only a few months old, he was committed and we had seen each other at least 20 times. He still was unable or unwilling to fix it or accept my apology. That is not the man for me: won’t be pushed gently on his dreams, wont articulate a problem, can’t self sooth and can’t repair relationships or forgive. Next man please. Confident men can do all those thingsSeptember 26, 2020 at 11:24 am #815029
Y’all are so right. And I am the type of person who makes minor mistakes or unintentionally says the wrong thing and makes some mad. I’m also the type of person who owns my wrongs and says sorry.
Whoever I end up with or date whatever is going to have to be the type of person who can accept my apology and work through those issues. Or it can’t work. I can’t waste my time on a guy who expects me to be a perfect woman because I can’t meet those standards.September 26, 2020 at 12:03 pm #815034
Great that you see that!!!
Please add not investing in men you have never met or are not your boyfriend or long distance …that is called fantasy relationships. You never knew this man, yet you had expectations that were not based in reality.
It is a sign of unavailability and insecure attachment on your end, not his.September 26, 2020 at 2:27 pm #815058
T from NY
This guy probably meant what he expressed in the beginning about wanting to make it work. But flakiness of breaking plans and not being available and he’s so busy traveling yada yada is not ideal and he was trying to let you into his reality by expressing he was concerned it wasn’t going to work.
But any man who shuts down and shuts you out after hearing something he doesn’t like, makes him feel uncomfortable, he doesn’t agree with etc etc after 2 weeks or 2 years, or anything in between, is a bullet dodged. And let’s be clear – either that man is so emotionally FRAGILE and not developed he is not able to use his big boy words OR there were several, or OTHER things at least, that were bothering him about being in the relationship you weren’t privy to – it’s best he showed you the man he is NOT so you are free to be available to the real man who is worthy of you.September 26, 2020 at 2:55 pm #815062
From what you said he is ignoring you so i dont see the point of breaking it off when he seems to have done that already. I think he overreacted to what you said. But he was already pulling back so it doesnt really matterSeptember 26, 2020 at 3:55 pm #815069
This all happened last night. I guess he could be ignoring me because he’s mad but I’ve been ghosted before so I know in my experience it usually means they are done. He was always so afraid that I was done talking in the past for one reason or another. The silent treatment or ghosting is just so stupid in your 40s. If your done say it. If your mad and need space say it. Whatever the case I agree if he was truly interested in me he would accept my apology and work through it.
I know I could never go through this in a long distance relationship or any relationship. I need someone to care more about me and my feelings. And someone who can be direct and honest when it’s over because everyone deserves that.
Thanks for y’all input. I do feel so much better about everything.September 26, 2020 at 4:35 pm #815072
A man will let things like this go IF you’ve developed a strong enough bond. Before one has been made however, its very different, and easy to let someone go that you were already two feet out with.
Bringing up this type of topic when he was already looking to exit was the ammunition he needed to end it and make you look like the bad person. Never give ammo to someone who is already backtracking (looking for an out) as it will be used. I’ve done it to guys when a crass assumption was made bey them where any apology or sorry on their part was a futile waste of energy—it crossed way over the line to the point of no return.
It wasn’t going to work anyway so best to end it now instead of doing it the dentist way. Like they say “an opportunity lost, is an opportunity gained.” You are now freed up to find a new guy, preferably local. I do suggest in the future you don’t make those kinds of statements or assumptions about people in this manner; it was insensitive and offensive IMO.September 26, 2020 at 5:04 pm #815077
Long distance relationships never work, period. End of discussion.September 26, 2020 at 7:09 pm #815084
I think he was either married or had a girlfriend already. All the cancelled plans and built-in excuses points to that to me. He was never going to meet up with you. There would always be a reason why he couldn’t. He even had a built-in excuse to pull back even further-he might have to move for work. I hate to be so cynical but I am someone who has been through it all and when someone makes plans and keeps breaking them, usually there’s someone else.October 10, 2020 at 12:56 am #818122
honestly he sounds immature. ima go ahead and say youve dodged a fat bullet after he exposed his childish behavior. you had every right to be honest and say what you were thinking regarding his promiscuity, and he 1. did not take the time to hear your side nor understand you, 2. used the silent treatment as a means of communication, and 3. is a douche. good riddance and i support your sound judgement about how awful he ultimately handled this.October 10, 2020 at 8:31 am #818158
Have you two even met in person?