Why is he being so mean? Completely blowing me off


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  • #383166 Reply
    Trina

    So there was this guy i knew for a while although we have been in and out of touch over the years. He was suggested as a friend i may know on fb, so i thought oh i wonder how he is (we used to be pretty good friends), and we got talking, he started flirting and being suggestive, said he had thought about me over the years and had a crush on me, and wanted me.

    We said about having a NSA type thing. I slowly started to realize i liked him more than this, he picked up on it i guess, and said he felt i was being a bit clingy. I get it because i was, i started getting super into him after we kept
    talking. He said he didn’t wanna hurt me and we never went through with the hook up. I am
    glad as it probably would of ended in more hurt for me, but i said did he want to continue talking to me, he said he did and really didn’t want us to stop talking or being friends, but he would text me later as he was at work. He never did, and after 5 days i text him saying how i really did care about our friendship and didn’t want it to be ruined as i felt it had a bit, he was obviously not being the same as we were before as friends, he never replied and after that i eventually sent another a few days later saying i felt he didn’t really want to be friends anymore but i was always here for him as a friend and just want us to go back to the friendship we had before. No reply.

    I don’t care he doesn’t want a relationship with me, shit happens and he was honest and some people just don’t have the same feelings you may have for them, but what upsets me is him telling me how much he cared for the friendship and not talking to me since. He has been pretty honest about many things, so why pretend you want to be friends if you don’t want to be? He hasn’t spoken since saying that.

    So i unfriended him off facebook, and then after 2 weeks re-added him. I felt kinda bad unfriending him, but i was upset, and now i probably look stupid, and he hasn’t accepted. Do you think i
    to blame here or is he being an ass? I feel responsible i messed this friendship up, and we were really good friends and i don’t want it ruined, but why is he acting like he hates me? I mean what did i do for him to be such a jerk? We established he didn’t have the same feelings as me
    romantically, but i care about the friendship

    #383176 Reply
    Lane

    Oh Trina you really need to stop! I know its HARD when you feel rejected but constantly reaching out actually hurts you more than helps. Step in his shoes for a minute. What if you told a guy you didn’t have those feelings and he kept texting you, going off face book, and then adding you again when you refused to respond? You would think he was needy, clingly and give you that yucky feeling….same concept.

    I KNOW you were trying to act ‘friendly’ but he didn’t trust you yet because he was very clear on the NSA thing, but you weren’t, so he needed to pull back a bit to give you a little time and space to clear your head and may have reached out again in a week or two to see how you were doing, but your pushing made him pull back further. Like they say “for every action there’s an opposite reaction” so when a man pulls away, you pull away…when he pushes, you push. Get it? :-)

    #383182 Reply
    Beth

    Lane is right hun; best thing to do is to just focus on yourself. Sometimes guys say they want friendship so as to not hurt the girl anymore, sometimes they genuinely do but don’t know their own feelings.. Give yourself the gift of time-if he reaches out have a think about if you want to speak to him-if not there are better friends out there! Good luck hun xx

    #383199 Reply
    Marie

    Stop contacting him, best thing is to leave him alone, if and when he wants to get in touch with you, let it be because he wants to, and not you forcing things. Sounds to me like you should just move on, do your own thing. You may not think so now, but he probably did you a huge favor, at least you won’t become more invested in a guy who does not feel the same way about you the way you feel about him. I am sure there are Lots of other guys out there that would love to be with you!!!

    #383230 Reply
    Trina

    Thanks. It just annoys me. Don’t lie and tell me you want a friendship with me when you don’t. That gives me false hope! And at least i am trying. He doesn’t ever think how his behavior seems. A lying pig. He acts like i did something terrible to him where he can’t even aknowledge my existance. I find it very strange

    #383239 Reply
    buttercup

    He’s not a lying pig.

    You turned him off. As lane says, have you never had a guy fancy you when you didn’t like him back.

    Any steps he takes to convince you to be with him, turns you off more.

    Most people say they want to stay friends because its hard to tell someone to go away. Its less hurtful and more gentle to offer friendship. Communication may then start again weeks or months later. But not days. You need time to let your feelings die down. It took me 3 months of no contact to lose my feelings for a guy friend I have. Now our friendship is better than ever and my crush is over. He’s much more relaxed and communicative now that he knows I’m not drooling over him. We’re now very honest and open and close. Now its real.

    5 days of no contact is not enough for you to lose your feelings. You probably came across a bit too keen and he was put off by that. We’ve all been there! (every guy I’ve fancied has not liked me back. I turned them off with my chasing and over eagerness). Its a tough lesson to learn, but learn it you must. Its experience and will make the future better.

    #383380 Reply
    Trina

    I have to disagree. I think he has been a complete lying pig. Instead of saying to me to be honest with you i don’t think it is best we be friends due to your feelings, or i want to be friends but i think you need some time to get over your feelings, he lied about wanting to be friends making me think we would continue as we had before as friends, but instead with no intentions of talking to me ever again.

    He had many times to tell me he didn’t want to be friends, but instead constantly ignored my messages and had me wonder what i had done wrong for him to not want to be friends. He had no issue telling me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to have sex with me, but telling me after everything he didn’t want to be friends was such an issue? At almost 30 i find this behavior very cowardly. I would actually have no hard feelings towards him had he said i don’t want to be friends and was honest, not ignore someone to get your point across like an immature teenager. Just my two cents.

    #383381 Reply
    Ashley

    Trina, he didn’t lie to you. He wants to be friends, but your clingy needy behavior has caused him to back off, indefinitely. Men have are VERY GOOD at feeling when the girl is acting needy, and when this happens, they pull away. Ask him questions, share your emotions, text/call him…will just drive him further. Any guy doesn’t respond well to this behavior. They do not want to be chased, even for friends.

    Let me ask you, do you have any other guy friends? Do you expect them to act a certain way with you, and if you don’t hear from them you freak out and do what you just did with this guy?

    You are clearly more invested in your so called friendship than he is. If you really want this guy to be friends with you, don’t force it. Let him be. And treat him like how you would a normal guy friend. You don’t question his actions, you don’t freak out when you don’t hear from him, you don’t get affected when he no longer does what he used to do. In other words, no expectations or hard feelings.

    Don’t reach out any longer. You’ve done too much damage already by doing so. Focus on yourself and heal.

    #383382 Reply
    Ashley

    Also I’ve done the same before, with the guy I dated but not exclusive with., I defriended, regretted doing so, befriended, which he hadn’t accepted. I looked really stupid. I had to let go,

    A year later, when feelings were all gone, we’re back in touch and are really good friends now.

    The lesson, don’t force a friendship with someone, especially with someone you have feelings for. You do not “need” his friendship. If you say you do, then that proves you are needy.

    Let the feelings die, so real friendship can grow. Give him space, and focus on being happy without him. You can do it.

    #383391 Reply
    Leila

    I agree with the other girls saying he didn’t lie to you. Men are simple. They mean what they say. So when he said he cared about the friendship, he meant it. But how he shows that he cares is different from yours, simply because he’s a man and you’re a woman–two different creatures. You can’t expect him to care for the friendship the way we do.

    You accuse him of being a liar because you think he’s not being honest when he said he wanted to be friends. To you, honesty is if he had said “we cannot be friends because of your feelings”. That’s unfair because we’re telling you, he’s being honest. Your interpretation and expectation are what’s hurting your feelings. You’re also playing victim by saying he had all the time to say he didn’t want to be friends. You insist that you are lied on. And you say, he ignored you and had you wondering what you had done wrong. You’re putting the blame on him.

    I’ve always believed that women get hurt not because of the man’s words or actions but because of how we women interpret them. In other words, we are rsponsible for what we feel.

    #383394 Reply
    Trina

    Ashley did he get back in touch with you? It could be possible he lied about caring about the friendship for a NSA type thing. Now we aren’t doing NSA he has no reason to keep in touch with me

    #383395 Reply
    Trina

    Also to answer the other post, no i don’t talk to my other guy friends this much. We went a few weeks before the NSA talk where we were just friendly and would take maybe once a week. The problem is though i feel responsible for this. I was clingy and pushed him away from me even as a friend it seems, and now i feel I am to blame and have been reaching out to try and fix it because i don’t want to loose the friendship. The problem is i think i am too late.

    #383396 Reply
    Ashley

    Yes, he got back in touch. Because I gave him space, lots of it. I gave him enough time to clear his head, clear mine, and become happy again without him. But you see, we dated for four months. We bonded and shared good memories together during those four months. So that could be another reason why he had the motivation to come back.

    I’m not sure how close you are to this man or if you have shared any memories together, but if a man has enough investment in you, and physical bonding/doing activites together (because that’s how men feel connected), not bonding by text/message (this how women bond), it’s likely he’ll come back to you as long as you give him space and not chase.

    It’s also possible that he said he “cared” just so he can get the NSA. But to him it’s FWB, it’s still “friendship”. So there’s no lying. What I get from your post is you expected him to care for you as much as you do. Expectations are turn off.

    #383397 Reply
    Ashley

    Trina, it’s okay. Just take this as a lesson. Now you can heal. Just focus on yourself and fill your time with lots ot things to make you happy. If he reaches out, and you are ready to talk, then go ahead and talk to him like how you would a normal guy friend. No special treatment. If he doesn’t, it’s okay, you don’t need his friendship anyway. You are the most important here :)

    #383626 Reply
    Trina

    Do you think i made a mistake unfriending him? Did i look bitter and pathetic? I am sure adding him again looked more pathetic. I just feel like if he wanted to be friends he would of accepted

    #383629 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Trina.

    I don’t think it was a mistake, it was a reaction to the way you were feeling at the time and I think it was for the best so you can move on faster. Just let it go for now—there’s nothing you can do at this point in time, so just accept it for what it is and take time to heal.

    If at some point in the future HE reaches out, you’ll be in a much better state of mind to decide if you would even want him as a friend. Take care of you—go to the spa, have a girls night out, and do some fun stuff! :-)

    #383630 Reply
    Ariel

    This guy is an ass.
    He had every opportunity to tell you he didn’t want to be friends or whatever
    And you texting him made him feel uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say

    he’s the cowed if he can’t face you himself. Him not responding means he’s clearly not interested and can’t tell you cause he either was playing you in the beginning or he’s emotionally unstable

    #383633 Reply
    Ashley

    When I cut off mine, he got confused and thought I was mad because I didn’t give him a headsup about defriending (we parted on good terms btw but agreed on not talking for awhile). The reason why i defriended was because seeing his name was painful and prevented me from moving forward. And then I realized it hurt me a lot more when I defriended, it’s like really over. i felt like what I did was rude and immature since to him, he thought we ended nicely. But looking back it was also the best move because I was able to truly move on :)

    Trina, instead of looking it as a mistake, look at it as an opportunity to heal and be detached from someone who doesn’t share the same feelings. Right now you still value this guy and want him so much in your life I understand, so best to let the feelings die first and heal. If when the time comes, you feel really okay, and he reaches out, then I see no harm in talking to him :) But now just focus on you and do your best to forget about this guy.

    #385462 Reply
    anonymous

    I feel u Trina, I am also in a position like that. It Sucks and hurts really bad. I mean we do still talk and text and we give hugs and things but it’s not how it used to be I’m not sure what happened,is it because I told him how I feel? But he said he feels the same way so then why do I feel like he’s pushing me away? And then he hugs this one girl right in front of me and the way they hug is I don’t even know how to explain it. He says I don’t need to worry but I still do worry. But Trina dont worry it will all work itself out hopefully for both of us.

    #387711 Reply
    M

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. It doesn’t sound like he was lying… remember that men think differently than women. In addition, it sounds like you’re feeling really anxious about the situation. That will make the separation between his reality and the meaning you tie to his behavior even farther from the truth. Been there, made a fool of myself many, many times… really and truly, the best thing you can do is what many others have already said… give him lots of space. Focus on yourself. Don’t get in touch with him again. If you really need to, maybe give yourself a timeframe. Let’s say 2 or 3 months (no less than 2 months, in my opinion). If you haven’t heard from him in 2 or 3 months (pick a time and stick to it) then you can reach out with something kind, just saying hey I saw this thing that reminded me of you, I hope you’re doing well.

    He needs time to miss your friendship (which takes a LOT longer for men than for women). And you need time to get over him. I broke up with a guy and, because I wanted him back, I made myself wait at least 2 months. I was the one to reach out and we met up for a drink and I realized I didn’t even want him back once all my emotions and hormones had worn off. We are now good friends and he’s a great source of help and advice about dating dilemmas.

    I hope it works out for you and that you’re able to find some way to distract yourself or soothe yourself so you don’t reach out again. Pay attention to what happens when you have reached out. You feel anxiety, so you reach out to ease that, right? But what is the result? Does it actually make you feel better? Probably not. I’m guessing from experience that you probably feel even worse…and then you have even more urge to reach out in an effort to fix it. But it’s a losing battle. The only thing that will fix this is time.

    Lots of love! Hope that helps!

    #388218 Reply
    Tiffany

    I’m going through the same thing. After reading all this i feel so stupid. I was the problem. I also allowed myself to fall in love with him when he specifically told me he only wanted to be friends for now. This must be the mixed messages i supposedly was sending him. But he also knew though that i wanted to see where the friendship would take us and hoped it would turn into something different.
    after 2 weeks from him telling me he is seeing someone else, I sent him a nasty email. Talk about embarrasing now. I’ve really destroyed this friendship. I have been on the verge of sending him an appology, but know that i probably shouldn’t because he’ll think this girl is nuts!! But I feel so bad now. I think i stumbled upon this post for a reason. To stop myself from making it worse.

    #388366 Reply
    Krista

    Honestly, it’s seems he was using you as a rebound to get back up or just to get a kick out of you. I had a guy use me for sexual things for 4 months before I realized the bastard was only using me to get off. You can find someone SO much better and that jerk doesn’t deserve you. But next time don’t spam the guy.. Makes you look creepy.

    #388771 Reply
    Fluffypinkalien

    Hey,

    I have a very similar situation going on right now, except my guy is a long distance friend. I also have a trip booked to stay somewhere close to him in 2 and a bit months time, so I can’t realistically give him 2 months without making contact or at least telling I’m going to be close by. Any ideas what I should do would be really appreciated!

    Thanks!

    #388984 Reply
    Emma Driscoll

    I strongly agree with you Trina that this guy could have handled things alot better. He probably didn t set out to be a pig, maybe that was his way of trying to let you down gently. All the same, I agree that it wasn t right. I am sorry to hear about that. As others have suggested, I think its best to stop making any kind of contact with him and work on moving on. It won t happen straight away, but if you give things a bit of time, and try to focus more on other things, im sure you ll get there. Im going through something sort of similar just now, and having to do this. It s not something i m finding easy, but at the same time I know if i don t ill just be making my situation not worse rather than better. I really am sorry again. Hope you soon start feeling at least a bit better.

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