Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Why am I not feeling the "spark"?
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 11 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Mary
I’ve been dating a guy lately. We met online and we shared some common interests so I agreed on a first date. It went pretty well, 4 hours of talking about reading -our commonest thing- and movies and our life in general. Second date and again it was a bit fun, but I was a little bit bored. Conversation was going in rounds and I was thinking “oh, we talked about it last time”. He kissed me on that date. The guy seems quite into me. He compliments me a lot and I mean A LOT! On the dates to follow, he keeps telling me that I am: very beautiful, clever, with a very nice body, a great kisser, etc., etc. He has idolized me! He wants to cuddle and kiss all the time, and I feel good. But I don’t feel the spark. 5 dates now and I am the one to set them (that’s probably because I work a lot so he waits until I have some time). I just don’t know. Yesterday, he told me that he wants us to be a couple and I agreed with lots of second thoughts. Thoughts that I don’t know why I’m having. In the past, I have been dating guys that were emotionally unavailable and maybe now that I met someone who wants to be with me, it feels strange. I can’t thing of a reason why not to be with him but I don’t feel it. Like, if he disappeared I wouldn’t really care. I feel that I have a problem, that I cannot accept something good in my life, but at the same time I feel that he doesn’t really put any effort into impressing me other than sexually (just foreplay for the time being). Shall I keep seeing him, expecting to develop feelings with time? Am I doomed because I might reject the FIRST guy that might be good for me? How should I test him to see if he wants to form a deeper bond? Compliments and the like start feeling a big inauthentic -not that I don’t feel good about myself, it’s like I have started expecting them and he ultimately tells them. He is a nice guy but…
Amy S
You have had 5 dates. You dont know enough about this guy to decide to be a couple or not. Dont let him get too carried away. And dont agree to things unless you are sure. As flattering as it is you are leading him on by going along with his plans but not feeling it and thats not fair. Tell him you need more time. Sit back and observe. In my very honest opinion people that come on very hot and heavy straight away tend to fizzle out just as fast but hey ho its not a given……
Mary
It came too easy and if he had been more discerning, a spark would have ignited a flame.
Maddie
I agree with Amy. Part of what you’re feeling here that’s turning you off is probably that he doesn’t actually know you yet, either. It’s only been 5 dates! So when people idolize you immediately, it’s usually not about you. They’re projecting and don’t see who you are yet, but you check some of their boxes. It can feel very, very icky being on the receiving end of that, so trust your instincts. And it does NOT mean he’s emotionally available if he’s going 100 miles an hour in a fantasy. It sounds like he doesn’t act like the other guys you’ve dated who were standoffish, but that doesn’t mean this is better or good for you. It’s just a different.
It is good you’re asking yourself if there’s an issue on your end though, being used to dating unavailable guys, only finding what you can’t have to be exciting. A guy who really is nice and not just “nice” (entitled to you because he’s acting “nice” or flattering you) will be excited about you and physically attracted to you but not seem to race ahead emotionally because he’s building a connection and wanting to get to know you. So I don’t know if you’re having dating issues in general due to your own trust issues or insecurities with feeling bored by truly decent and available guys, but that doesn’t mean your instinct is wrong here that something feels off about THIS guy’s behavior.
Kim
I have a slightly different view. You’ve been out with this guy 5 times now. Back in the day before I met my husband I didn’t go out on more than 2 or 3 dates at most if I knew there wasn’t anything there. I couldn’t always tell on the first date because the first date can sometimes be a little awkward. Sometimes I could tell by the first date though.
By date 5 you would get a feel of if there’s a possible future there or not. If not it’s really not fair to keep seeing the guy. I know it feels nice to be wanted and appreciated, but if you’re not sure you have to be honest about it for yourself.
tammy
i agree with kim. by the 5th date atleast, you should know if your really attracted to this guy and whether you enjoy spending time with him. about getting together as a couple after 5th date maybe that’s too soon but you don’t have to decide that now. first atleast figure whether you find this guy attrctive and enjoy the times you spend together.
Liz Lemon
I totally agree with Tammy and Kim. If you don’t feel a spark with a guy by the 5th date, and enjoy his company, then he’s not the guy for you. I also agree that date 5 is too early to decide you’re an official couple. But by then you should at least have chemistry, want to spend more time with him, and feel attracted to him.
You said: “In the past, I have been dating guys that were emotionally unavailable and maybe now that I met someone who wants to be with me, it feels strange.” Just because this guy is moving fast doesn’t mean he’s emotionally available. In fact, guys that move fast and are over the top with affection as soon as you meet them are usually not emotionally available, and are compensating by being overly affectionate. You say this guy “idolizes” you- that’s not a recipe for a healthy, balanced relationship. You’ve had 5 dates, you barely know each other! So just because he’s different from guys you dated before, does not mean he’s right for you. At any rate, as we’ve already pointed out, you’re not attracted to him and don’t click. So I think it’s best to let this one go.
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