What is going on?


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #819540 Reply

    Jenny

    Hello everyone, I hope I’m in the right section cause my “problem” covers different areas.

    So this summer I met a guy online. I live in Japan and he lives in the states but I was planning to go there once things were safe again.
    Anyway, at first things were great. He’d call me every other day and we’d spend hours just talking about anything. Then, one day, he didn’t call when he was supposed to. At first I got upset cause I thought he didn’t like me, but then he explained his phone wasn’t working well and he wasn’t receiving messages properly. I didn’t believe him 100% but I still decided to give him a second chance. Problem is, after that, things just started to go down a bad path. He wasn’t calling anymore, if I asked to call he would say he was busy. He wasn’t the same and I thought I was right to think he didn’t really like me that much. I waited a little then decided to ask him about it, but he told me he was very interested. Again, I was not convinced and his behavior got worse to the point he was leaving me on read for hours. I decided to bring it up again, because I didn’t want to waste my time any longer. He then explained to me that he got scared because women hurt him in the past and because he fell for me while I live far away. He said he needed time to heal and that he wanted things between us to work out cause he had feelings for me. I understood and tried to give him space, but still things didn’t get any better. He was getting colder and colder and his texts were getting dry. He wouldn’t ask me questions about myself or my life and the few times I had a bad day at work, he would just ignore me. I really wanted to believe him, but the doubts were just driving me crazy to the point I wouldn’t sleep well at night or eat properly. I decided my health was more important and told him I was sorry but couldn’t talk to him anymore.
    However, I made the mistake of giving him my account on a social network, saying that if he ever wanted to give us a real chance he could text me there. Not even ten seconds later he followed me and I thought he was going to text me, but nothing.
    What does this all mean? Does he like me or not? Was I right to cut him off and should I unfollow him again? Or should I text him? Or should I actually wait for him to get better and text me?
    This is driving me insane.
    Thank you to whomever will reply.

    Desperate J

    #819546 Reply

    Raven

    Sorry honey, this guy is only a pen pal & a bad one at that…

    #819554 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Honey! Oh lord! You should look up insecure attachment:

    A. Liking men who are unavailable by distance
    B. Being obsessed with if a man likes you and your like ability
    C. Being extremely needy
    D. Falling for someone base on a story you told yourself, not on facts
    E. Continuing with men who say they are unavailable.

    Check.

    He stopped because you are 14 hours time difference apart and then you were needy but over and over and over about if he liked you. No one likes that.

    This is a man you never met. Please read that again. Until a man is your boyfriend and spending time with you in person, you should not invest at all.

    Please go to a therapist to work on why you get so attached to strangers.

    #819563 Reply

    Jenny

    Thank you for your insights, I appreciate. Maybe a little too straightforward,but thank you.
    I understand what you are saying and I do believe he is not very interested, I was merely looking for a confirmation so that I can feel I did the right thing and can move on.
    Regarding the unavailability and neediness, he never said he was unavailable. He said he was hurt but wanted to be with me. I even suggested him to take some time for himself and he said he didn’t want that and wanted to keep talking to me. I was going out with other guys at the beginning. Until when I told him I didn’t want him to wait for me and that I wouldn’t be angry if he met someone else, he said he wasn’t interested in meeting any other woman and wanted only me. Then he said the idea of me going out with other guys hurt him, so I stopped and I thought we had decided to have a certain level of commitment.
    There’s plenty of people who find love without meeting in person, it’s not just in movies and it happens. I’m not saying this was the case, but it happens.
    Now, I do admit I am a little insecure, but I believe I can survive without going to therapy for that.
    Plenty of people get attached to strangers. It’s just about not being strangers anymore after.
    Nonetheless, thank you for your answers. I do believe I should cut him off completely to work on myself.

    J

    #819574 Reply

    T from NY

    With gentleness – please do not shuck off the advice given about your persistence in seeking out this unavailable man. I feel very worthy to advise you on this because I used to be exactly the same. I am now 90 percent cured because I’ve done the work. No I never attached myself to a stranger – but men who took me out and then didn’t want to commit further used to be like catnip to me. I eventually realized it was ME, my insecure attachment style and my own emotional unavailability that caused me to continue trying to engage with asshats.

    To address what you said specifically – of course an unavailable man is not going to say he’s unavailable! Many of them will claim exactly the opposite. But continuing to interact with a a guy who never makes a concrete plan to see you in person is fine if you’re okay with a temporary, virtual relationship. But they almost NEVER turn into anything real. If you’re reading stories about where that happened – they probably represent .001 percent of the population or something. Men want in person time with women they really care about full stop. If they are just spending hours talking, flirting and future faking they are just using you for companionship, ego stroking and that’s all. Additionally, reaching out to a guy ONCE that he is fading is reasonable (though not very productive as most men, if you have to ask if somethings wrong it usually means they are just OFF) but re-asking many times shows that you don’t know HOW JUST AMAZING YOU ARE and your complete worthiness. Everyone deserves someone who values their time and investment. This guy took it when it pleased him, then just crumbed off when he was done – then did double damage by keeping you hooked by not saying goodbye. I repeat – asshat.

    The BEST website – if you’re not ready to see a therapist to find out why you would continue to engage with someone who never meets you, takes you out, lies to you, discounts your feelings etc – is called Baggage Reclaim. It’s amazzzzzzing and so helpful to hopeless romantics like us that need reformation. I wish you true, authentic relationships in the future. And no settling for anything less.

    #819638 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Honey, relationships where people don’t meet are not relationships. They are fantasies between two broken people. And a man does not say he is unavailable, he says things like I was hurt before. And his actions and words don’t match.

    Please read the book attached. You are insecurely attached.

    When a man says he is not seeing someone else, that is not the same thing as being committed to you, and is honestly a red flag in this situation. It usually means, you are good enough company for now, but I am not actually committed so I can start looking when I am ready or want to.

    You are not a little insecure from what you described. At the end, it was your defining characteristic … not believing him (ignoring actions over words), asking over and over for reassurance and you stopped eating? This is not normal small insecure behavior. And you can learn to be more secure with the help of a therapist.

    #819660 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Btw, I as not trying to be harsh. I am just calling out what is extreme and is clearly not serving you. It does not need to be the case that you worry so much when engaging, not need so much reassurance, nor ruin your own health over some dude you never met. You can do some inner work to be rid of that. My guess is this is a pattern for you, which is why you are so attracted to someone who lives so far away and get attached so easily. If the love story is always… I never meet men I like, I acted needy, I like unavailable men it cannot identify them by their actions, these things never work out and they lose interest….

    Sound familiar…

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