Welcome comments on a situation that is prob fairly obvious

I’m 48, he is 60.
We both have 2 kids each around similar ages.
Marriage and kids- no.

We spend every 2nd week together, I live at his house. The other week I have my kids. This arrangement kind of keeps things fresh between us.

How long have you been seeing each other? There’s many degree’s of the emotional quotient scale that people are usually born with and its a big part of who they are. Just because someone doesn’t use their emotions to get through life doesn’t make them a bad person. I personally can’t handle a lot of emotions, I naturally shut down as I don’t feel comfortable around them, especially woman’s lol, nor can I win the emotional war, so I am at a sever disadvantage when they erupt.

I understand its how they are but I cannot be around them, at least for very long, as they mentally wear me out. I can take them in small very small doses and try to rationalize them out of it but I could not deal with a highly emotional partner. It ultimately depends on your comfort zone, how much you can take and not take before it becomes a source of contention.

Some people take longer to warm up and feel safe with others. I intentionally hold back and am more reserved until I get a much better feel or sense of a person before I feel safe to open up, until then I keep it on the surface level. Some don’t though and if you feel like your settling just to keep a man then you need to own your decision and live with it if this relationship is more important to you than your overall happiness.

Hi Erica-Yeah,you said the “thing”-“I have to accept him as he is/decide if I can live with that.” That is it. BTW 90% is pretty damned good. Most compatibility tests/advice on relationships,say that an 80% and up compatibility score is good. I am not sure if you are insecure ,overly demanding or just feel “something is missing”. Only you can an swer that.
I feel you are not appreciating what you have but are nitpicking over things that don’;t matter or will get better in time. Men are not like girlfriends/women. They don’t go around gushing their feeling and discussing every little thing.
Unless you deep down feel he is not enough for you,and you can find “better”.I would start accepting and appreciating and having gratitude for him and your relationship. What “emotional” work are you taking about? If he won’t say the words ” I love you”-then that is an issue. Otherwise I stand by my advice. I am his age BTW and have learned a thing or two about love and relationships.

Peggy- thanks. I agree with a lot of what you say and I really appreciate your frankness.

Yes men and women are different, i think the underlying issue here is that i want slightly different things than him- but not much- i guess icing on the cake sums it up- and yeah maybe i’m wanting perfection rather than running with ‘pretty good’.

No he doesn’t say “i love you” but I don’t say it much either- nor demand it- and that’s not even an issue for me. He does occasionally say some very nice things.

You are right- i should be grateful and I am.

He has said though that while we are together and are ‘with’ each other- he doesn’t want to ‘belong’ to someone- and that goes back to his guardedness- he says he protects himself- and resists being beholden to another person – he will never let anyone tell him what he can and can not do etc. Thing is- that is rubbish as I don’t anyway. He is also worried that another woman will rip him off financially as the last one did – his words.

the above is not my problem- i know- it’s his. Her is the one missing out on the fruits of greater intimacy- OR maybe he just doesnt need it and is happy as is- which he said he is.

See how confusing this is.

I’m going to talk out of both sides of my mouth to answer this one.

I’m dating a man now who went through a nasty divorce a few years ago. We’ve ridden out some rough patches due to the damage his ex inflicted. He’s improved a lot and is very generous in crediting my kindness and patience for helping him move forward. At times I felt like I was paying the price for some other woman’s crap and I didn’t like it. But he’s a great guy, treats me well and I can see him trying. And he can actually say the words I”m sorry when he messes up. Lots of guys can’t.

But I’ve also dated men who were damaged and were probably never going to let their guard down or deal with the damage the way my BF very bravely has. That type is a waste of time and will leave you heartbroken.

You have to gauge which type of guy you have on your hands here. One is worth it, the other one needs to go.

It’s all about what you want. And what you need. Right now I believe, you writing into this forum, is you trying to work that out. This is a classic example of a man willing to give a lot of the action but not the words or the label. The thing is – both are important. So you have to decide what you can be content with.

For myself. I would not be able to be in a relationship with a man, at those ages, that did not include a verbal commitment. If I am in love with someone I want that person to let people know by giving me the label of a partner. Some women do not have to have this and I admire that. But I absolutely do.

Not to mention I am old fashioned and would want someone, at those ages, to plan things such as retirement, financial matters or show myself as a committed couple to friends and family by gradually moving in together. Everything you have seems amazing – but could you continue to never live with him when you’re older? Is he going to include you in his retirement plans? Will he talk about a future with you? What does that look like? I could not continue to invest in someone who refuses to commit to me verbally or wouldn’t eventually live with me. But that’s ME. I do not believe you are nitpicking. You are asking yourself – is what I have enough to keep me fulfilled. He sounds lovely and kind to you. And I agree with the advice to consider what you have. I just recommend getting quiet with you and exploring if this can keep you happy long term?

Some very wise comments here.

Yes the issue is- is this the relationship i want in the longer term.

This question: “How does the thought of ending the relationship make you feel? Do you have any urge to get back out there and date?”

The thought makes me ill! Zero desire to meet others.

And this:
“If I am in love with someone I want that person to let people know by giving me the label of a partner. ”

and this:
“Not to mention I am old fashioned and would want someone, at those ages, to plan things such as retirement, financial matters or show myself as a committed couple to friends and family by gradually moving in together. Everything you have seems amazing – but could you continue to never live with him when you’re older? Is he going to include you in his retirement plans? ”

– I have my own money and life sorted more or less. I’m not really interested in getting tangled up with finances and stuff with another person. I earn more than him too!

Thanks a lot everyone- all the comments have been really useful and great.
– we have the label of a partner and we are recognised as a couple by others.

What? Are you saying a 60 year old man doesn’t say I love you like, at least twice a day? He should be so thankful and excited to have a mate.

But I think you said he is the one, so you are stuck with him as is .

I read your post again. You said you have fun together and enjoy being together. Sounds like he is respectful and caring. Do you want to get married? I guess, as Lane said, what is it you want? More love talk? I’ll buy that. At your age, its important for you to have security and a future.

and he seemed to quite like it after I finally said it. I felt like we got closer and soon after he paid for me to go away with him. I guess- i’m saying this- because for him- the perception of getting ripped off or taken advantage of financially is a big deal. He’s a weird one. My hunch is that we will get there in the end, but my god he is hard work in this regard.

Good advice.

i think it’s about money but also about risking the big loss again. From what he tells me he was in a very bad and dark place after the break down of his marriage- even though the marriage wasn’t a good one. He has mental health issues (depression mainly).

Along the way he has said things like “I can’t believe I am doing this again, I’ll never learn”. He has eluded to being quite fragile under his alpha male front.

For the most part we are like most other couples apart from that we don’t live together all the time (we do half the time as I stay at his house) and that he hasn’t completely emotionally opened up.but he may never, that’s his prerogative.

All of these ‘issues’ are not my problem though to take on, i do have a choice- I have to choose as to whether I can accept and live with it.

There used to be a TV show called “Mr and Mrs” on in the UK. I’m not sure if it were aired elsewhere but one half of a married couple was put jn a sound proof booth while the other was asked questions about the marriage or about one of the spouses. The one in the soundproof booth was then brought out and asked the same questions. They got points for the same answer.

I’ve never forgotten a couple who’d been married about 50 years. He was put in the booth and they asked her “how often does your husband tell you he loves you?”. She said “once”. They then hot hjm out and asked “how often do you tell your wife you love her?”. He said “I’ve told her once. On the day I proposed I said’I love you. I won’t tell you again but if I change my mind you’ll be the first to know'”

It’s just how some people are. I find it hard to say too.