Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › We haven't seen each other in 2 weeks
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T from NY.
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Roxanne
Hi, I need an opinion.
I started seeing this guy about a month ago. Everything went extremely well. He told me that he is looking for something serious and I said I was looking for the same thing but let’s just take things slow and see how it’s going.
The things didn’t go so slow but it all felt very natural. In the first 2 weeks we’ve had 6-7 dates and spent the nights together. He initiated most of the dates and also came with ideas of things to do and make plans. He really seems a great guy and we seem to have a lot of things in common.But 2 weeks ago I went to my hometown to visit my family and things got a little weird. We haven’t talked as much and after a week, when I told him that I was coming back and ask if we should do something the following day, he said that he was going to his hometown because he had some things to take care of. In the same evening we had a phone call discussion in which he told me that he feels like things are going too fast between us and he is unsure about where we are and that he thinks it would be best for us to slow things down. We decided that we would meet when he comes back and we will try to figure out how we’re going to proceed. We both agreed that we liked each other and we want to see each other again.
Since than we just texted about random stuff or what we were doing, he seems normal when we talk but the frequency decreased which doesn’t really bother me because we said that we’ll slow down. But the problem for me is that now he’s been back for 2 days and haven’t try to make any plan to meet up. We texted yesterday evening and he told me how busy he was with work but now it’s Saturday and I expected to do something together. I just feel like I need to see him in order to be sure if we are okay.
We both agreed that it’s better to discuss f2f and I would just like to see him after 2 weeks.
I would normally just tell him that it is important for me to meet up and see where this is going, I don’t like waiting around or playing games and he knows that. I just don’t want to seem too desperate and to drive him away. He’s been very open until now to discuss anything but I’m afraid that if I pressure him into a date I will pull him away.Tallspicy
It sounds like you are initiating contact with him. And even asking when you will see him. Firstly, you should be staying over anyplace or having sex with any man who is not exclusive with you. By that, I mean dating others at all. Secondly, until you are exclusive, you should not be contacting him first except very occasionally if he is very consistent. His not contacting or trying to see you is a major sign to assume at best he has cooled down (which he basically told you) … when that happened you should have gone into 100% pull back and let him do all the work. You should be dating others, and never assume one conversation about wanting similar things means much. Until you are exclusive assume nothing.
Tallspicy
And did it occur to you he is pulling away because that is who he is. You barely know him.
Men who are into you, call you within 24 hours of coming home and try to see you quickly. Period.
Peggy
Hi Roxanne. I am sorry but I think this is likely a lost cause. It was a lot in a little time and now he is stepping back and evaluating things. Hard to say if he really wants a serious relationship or wants one with you. You should have slowed down the pace.
If you want any chance, I would stop texting him or asking him to make plans. leave it to him.
If a week goes by with no initiation from him…that is your answer. If he does text or call do not suggest anything. Leave it all to him. If he asks you out go. Do not have a “talk”. Just go on a few more dates and see what happens.Raven
Sorry Roxanne, I doubt you’ll see this guy again…
Being ‘Busy’ is code for, too busy for You.
In reality, you really only dated for 2 weeks & for taking things slow, It was a fast two weeks!
Although, if you do hear from him again it’ll be for sex…
AngieBaby
He said let’s take things slow and then initiates sex with you immediately and sees you frequently and after two weeks of intensity withdraws = not someone available or really interested in a real relationship.
Any time a man says “let’s take things slow” it’s been a prelude to weird or avoidant behavior.
And the hotter they burn in the beginning, the faster they burn out and disappear.
I’m with Peggy and Raven. IMO this guy has checked out. He either met someone else or he isn’t over someone else who may have possibly re-appeared, would be my guess. He was never really available and this was never really going anywhere. In the future, don’t have sex too soon and don’t see a guy you just met more than twice a week. Your job in the early stages is to observe what he says and does and if he meets your standards.
Maddie
I was going to write basically what TallSpicy said. This may be who he is and what he does. A guy can say he wants a serious relationship and then not act that way at all. Maybe he thinks he does want one and isn’t ready, maybe he always charges in fast and can never follow through, maybe you’re not the right match for each other and he’s not that interested, but it should take some time on both sides to get to know those things before really investing. This is because there’s just no way to really know what he wants for at least a few months. It takes that long because you need to see if words and actions consistently match for a real period of time without any “flips” like this. I’ve had what you’re describing happen and it stinks, but it generally also happened between 2-4 weeks when things started fast. And coincidentally, some of my friends met those same exact guys looking for “relationships” through online dating, and those guys repeated the same nonsense with them! So that’s how I know it was them and not me, and it wasn’t just that the guys weren’t that into me *every* time!
I don’t think you can trust someone at this point who flips in the way he has. There are more respectful and mature ways to slow things down than how he’s done it (ie he’s not giving you any real idea of what he means, a more serious guy might suggest you scale back to seeing each other once a week and then continue to follow through on making those dates instead of blowing you off being too busy… too much talking and no action).
So rather than putting pressure on him, lean back and decide if you really want to be with someone you barely know who has already made things way more complicated than necessary after only a couple weeks.
Sylvia
Hey, check out the list of recent topics. It’s mostly about cases like yours.
I’d add that’s all on him of course but! how easy is to get caught up in the moment? In my life I was excited about going on a trip in that (!) moment. After a 1-2 days I didn’t want to go anymore. I was into yoga then stopped. I really did want to visit my friend after a phone call but ended up not. I don’t know exactly why. In your case you even went back home. That was it. What I’m trying to say it happens in almost every aspect in your life it happens and everyone experienced it. It’s so easy being close to each other and say things and then you’re “ouch, actually..”.
Agreed with everyone on the sex part unfortunately.
Also initiating. I know it so well because I was/am a queen of not being able to wait. Having said that later on I usually realized that I had scared away guys that put me in a “blah, unsure” category and I’m not a kind of woman that waits more than a week for a stupid message and meet up. Even now I witness it. Btw, one guy wanted a relationship with me after one date. I was like “ugh weird?” and went to the wedding in another city. When I came back he wasn’t desperate to see me to say the least!T from NY
“Let’s take it slow” in manspeak = don’t have expectations of me, I want to see you when I wanna see you, and I’m either starting to (or will soon) beginning the slow fade
Literally DISAPPEAR on these type of guys. Quiet as a crypt. Getting busy. Do you. See if they step up or step out. Words mean nothing without actions
You were okay before this dude, you’re certainly fine now
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