This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 3 weeks, 4 days ago.
July 15, 2020 at 6:57 am #796489
I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years , living together for 3.4 years . When we first started dating we had sex almost every night ! Since the 3 year mark it gradual reduced over time . Now we haven’t done it in 6 months . We still cuddle , show affection , spoon , but we never initiate it , it’s like we both can’t be bothered ? We both stopped trying to have sex.
Every time we fight , we raise this and I tell him to try and make a move , I tell him that him being on his phone every night isn’t going to get me in the mood.
We stopped going on dates , our busy lives get in the way . I think we are both questioning the relationship and don’t know how to get out of this rut .
Any advice ? Is this normalJuly 15, 2020 at 8:05 am #796497
You need to spice it up then! How is whining and complaining about working for you? Trust me, constantly nagging is the best way to kill a man’s attraction, whereas if you want change then YOU have to change your attitude!
Harken back to the time when things were the funnest between the two of you. What were you doing during those times, and what was he doing? If you are unhappy, in general, then its YOUR JOB to find things outside of the relationship that makes YOU happy! The problem with women is they become too dependent on their partner to make them happy, and that’s a huge weight and responsibility to put on a person, whereas you’re happiness should be derived from many sources on your own, such as having a ladies night/hanging with friends; taking up some hobbies (what are your passions?); and taking “me holiday breaks” such as going on an excursion with co-workers, friends, and family, or even better is going alone, to a lake house, or somewhere you can decompress, relax, and bring some good mojo back to the relationship.
Doing nothing will achieve nothing, doing something may very well achieve something. Choice is yours, keep it as it is, or break through the wall and bring back some fun and happiness into your life, and in turn, he’ll be attracted to that energy and want to join you :o)July 15, 2020 at 8:42 am #796498
Thank you :) helpful feedback . Hard to get out of this rut but I will take your adviceJuly 15, 2020 at 12:20 pm #796518
You don’t mention how old you guys are but along with different actions you take to get out of the rut you’re in, you may both want to check in with your doctor. He might need to get his testosterone levels checked. Just saying. :) Not sure how you can bring that up though; speaking of which…
You also might want to talk about things when you AREN’T fighting. That is the worst time to bring up sex issues. Create a safe space for you both to talk about things and approach it in a kind way. Maybe you will find something out to help you both?
Aside from doing things in your own life to make yourself feel better, I think scheduling time to do something as a couple helps (something fun, not heavy talk). Or even just a phone-free Sunday or something like that? Also… who says you have to have sex just at bedtime? I’m usually exhausted by the time bedtime rolls around so sometimes (upon my suggestion) my BF and I will skip dinner and go spend that time in an intimate way. (We usually end up in the kitchen afterwards eating leftovers, nekkid, lol) Maybe try something like that? Then he can be on his phone all he wants after you’re both done. ;)
Good luck friend, I know it’s hard to deal with dry spells. Starting with yourself first is great advice. Being happy with one’s self is contagious!July 15, 2020 at 1:11 pm #796524
Are you really missing the sex? From what you said i assumed its a mutual thing to not be very interested in. Over the years it does slow down and its really up to both of you to see what that means for your relationship. If Yes you want to spark it, then do. If you feel more like siblings by now and the spark is gone, you might consider breaking up.
Also i know couples that hardly have sex and are fine with it. So it starts with you. Is this working for you?July 15, 2020 at 1:44 pm #796530
Seems like you both have fallen into a roommates mindset, sometimes this happens.
I think something sorta concerning is that neither of you are initiating sex. Maybe you’re not getting enough romance or undivided attention from him so you’re not in a physical mindset?
I’m not sure what it could be for him, since I’m not a guy.
Either way, although things like this happen they should be resolved or the relationship is going to fizzle out and become boring.
Start trying to do things together and learn new things about each other. It always spices things up when you’re learning new things about the person you love.July 15, 2020 at 2:35 pm #796532
What about trying to “fake it until you make it”? what I mean is, if initiating spontaneously does not happen, how about mutually agreeing on a day/night/time when this will be scheduled? I know some people would be against scheduled sex. On the other hand, in our busy lives nowadays, it’s one of those things which if you do not plan, it would be the last on the list and you just won’t get to it… Also with sex, I find it’s one of those things (like with sleep) – the less regular it is, the less you miss it, and just the act of doing it once gets you to remember that it can be nice and makes it easier to do it over again..
So – how about you guys agree when you will ‘just do it’ no matter the excuse – and see how you both feel after? Going away on a romantic weekend would also be good, but this is more difficult in the current environment.July 15, 2020 at 3:03 pm #796536
It’s not hard. Men are easy and you can’t always expect him to initiate it every time. Do you even still want him? Does he even ignite any lustful desire in you? You know exactly how to seduce him if you wanted to.July 15, 2020 at 4:17 pm #796538
I agree with much of the advice here. Commanding him to “make a move” will get you nowhere. Who wants to have sex on command? You don’t have to wait for him to initiate, either. I assume you know what turns him on. You can take the lead just as easily as he can.
Attacking him about your sex life during an argument is also totally counterproductive! It’s damaging to the relationship. You should have a calm, gentle, non-confrontational conversation about this. No one (male or female) wants to be attacked over their lack of sex drive. It’s hurtful.
I totally agree with the advice about finding time to reconnect as a couple, without sex on the table– fun dates and enjoyable time spent together without the pressure of sex. Talk with your boyfriend and plan some fun dates, a weekend getaway, a hike– anything to break the routine. That will strengthen your connection. And I’m with Mama, my bf and I frequently have sex early in the evening (before we’re totally exhausted), and wind up cuddling/eating/watching Netflix together afterwards. I actually prefer doing it that way rather than having sex and just immediately going to sleep. My point is, you don’t have to wait until bedtime for sex.
Lane also has great advice about finding happiness for yourself outside the relationship. You should not be looking to your man to complete you or make you happy. If he’s sitting at home on his phone every night, find other things to do. Go out with your friends, pursue your interests, volunteer, start a hobby, whatever. Do things that make you feel happy and fulfilled, outside of the relationship. This will bring renewed energy and passion into your relationship, and that will help your sex life.July 15, 2020 at 6:30 pm #796544
My husband and I were having a similar issue to you a few years back, Marie. It was about a year into our relationship and before we got married. When I originally moved in with him we were together almost every night. After a few months of living together he didn’t touch me for I would say 2 or 3 months.
I was the one to bring it up with him because I was jumping to the wrong conclusions. You know, we women tend to think the worst when we don’t have the answers. I thought he was attracted to someone else. Until I spoke to him about it I realised that wasn’t the case. He just wanted us to spice things up and I guess he was getting bored with it. The point is you won’t know what’s going on with him until you have a proper discussion. Not during an argument though. Just find a time when you can have a rational discussion with him.July 15, 2020 at 7:21 pm #796546
I think you both need to make this relationship a priority.
We all have busy lives but, we make time for what matters.
Start having date nights again, be present with no phones when you are together, and create some romance.
Instead of waiting for an argument sit down and really talk about whats going on in your relationship.July 16, 2020 at 5:16 am #796584
Thanks so much everyone for responding, it has really helped me to think things through . I definately don’t tell him to make a move . We’ve been arguing a lot lately and I feel that this issue issue is making us both insecure . It’s so hard to make yourself get in the mood ! I’m in my early 30s , maybe I need to see a doctor or something. But yes I will take on everyone’s advice about this .Thanks againJuly 16, 2020 at 9:31 am #796596
You mentioned you’ve both been questioning the relationship. You’re arguing a lot. What underlying issues do you have in the relationship? What is it that you’re questioning?
Having tension and conflict with your partner is a surefire way to kill sexual attraction and passion. That is, lack of passion and sexual attraction can be a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship.
So from what you’ve written, I think you need to address whatever the underlying problem is between you two. Maybe it’s something as simple as needing more date nights and romantic time together, but maybe it’s something more serious? Only you would know that. But it might be helpful to reflect on your relationship and be honest about what, if any, underlying problems you have.