Walking on eggshells


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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Liz Lemon 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #781053 Reply

    Mary

    Hi everyone,

    I have been with my boyfriend for just under three years. We live together and have a shared life. His family lives 6 hours away and we live in a fairly large city. My family lives in the same city we do. My boyfriend has always hated the traffic and people in a large city and wishes he lived in a smaller town. My boyfriend usually works away from home. He will go on the road from Sunday to Thursday and come home for the weekend. He has always wanted to move to a small town, but I am not willing to move away from my family and friends if he is going to be away from home. We agreed that we will stay put.

    Now, he is working about an hour away in an even larger city, coming home every night. He has worked it out that he avoids most traffic, however, he still hits some traffic.

    Anyways the issue is that my boyfriends mood is so affected by the traffic, or any inconvenience in his life. Instead of being upset for an hour and winding down, if there is traffic on a Friday, he will be angry the entire weekend.

    There also have been multiple instances where he has had a slight disagreements with people in my life , for example, my best friend. He had a disagreement with her and doesn’t necessarily like her but it’s been over a year and absolutely shows no kindness towards her. If she says hi to him he just grunts. She is sick in the hospital right now and has absolutely no care for how she is doing. I’m a fairly compassionate person and would hope my significant other would should interest in the people I love.

    Basically, the reason for this post is that he expresses a lot of anger and frustration over trivial matters and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells a lot of the time. I’ve started keeping track of the days in which he is angry and the days he is happy. I’ve started to feel nervous when he’s come home from a long ride, worried about his mood when he gets home.

    Him and I talked about this this week and had a very constructive conversation about his anger. He agreed that he gets angry and then gets angry that he’s angry and its frustrating to him. I suggested he talk to someone. He picked up an anger management workbook and wants to try to work on it himself. Today, however, he immediately was getting frustrated with my because I came home from work and was talking over his video games. We were going to set up the Christmas tree and he was getting angry with me when I was getting started. I got upset and went to the bedroom to have some space. After he said, “just when you get home if you see me playing video games just don’t talk until it’s done. You know I turn it off as soon as you’re home and the game is done.” This is true, but still … wtf.

    I stress that this is only going to get worse and I’m going to not be happy in my future. I worry that I will bring kids into the equation and I will feel alone because he is either away from home, or too grumpy to help when he is home.

    I love him and he treats me as a person so well. However I’ve been having these feelings of doubt and would love some advice on whether you think it is worth it to stick it out and support him through this, or if this feeling of walking on eggshells is a huge red flag…

    Thank you in advance.

    #781057 Reply

    Dangerouse

    I have two Male friends who have horrible drives. They are happy to get home. Men who are frequently grouchy hate their lives.

    #781060 Reply

    Mary

    Dangerouse- I have started to feel that I am a negative impact in his life. I feel as if I am the only reason he is still here living in the city. He says that he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t love me. After our recent conversation I said to him that I would understand if he needed to move to a smaller town and if it didn’t work out. He said “do you know how stubborn I am? I will do everything to make sure I keep you in my life.”

    How can I not feel guilty for him hating his life if the only reason he has to deal with this is because of me? Or do you think he has an underlying issue where he won’t be happy anywhere? Is that something I can put up with?

    #781088 Reply

    Peggy

    Mary,he DOES NOT treat you well! If you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid his wrath,that is not a healthy relationship. He sounds depressed or cronically unhappy. You can’t fix this-it is either “who he is” or he needs therapy/help.
    I was married to a guy like this in some ways,for 25 miserable years-nothing made him happy. He are now divorced. THe question you ask about living somewhere else-I believe he would be unhappy,find something wrong where ever he goes as he takes his attitude with him.
    You could see if he would go to therapy with you so you can see if the relationship can work somehow. However,I really think you should move out,break up. Tell him you would consider getting back together if he figures out how he needs to live and makes it happen,gets happier. Then I would meet and date others,not wait to see what he does or does not do. Sorry,this sounds terrible to me.

    #781106 Reply

    Veronica

    I had one relationship like that too….stayed in it for 9 years. He had a borderline personality disorder. He always blamed me for his mistakes and I had to be careful what and how to say something to him so I wouldn’t upset him. But it was a good life experience and now I know better. Now I wouldn’t put up with such behavior.

    #781107 Reply

    Veronica

    Also would like to say…..if there are so many disagreements between you two, which creates unhappiness, then you have to realize that maybe you are not a good fit for one another. Good fit is when you both act truthfully and spontaneously, not trying to be someone else. Be truthful to yourself.

    #781129 Reply

    Dangerouse

    When a man goes this far, making it a habit of being unpleasant, taking out his misery on you….

    If he loves you, he must feel sick about the pain he causes you. ????

    Enough is enough. If you are not married, then get yourself your own place and leave him to his misery. You know perfectly well that you would never treat him or anyone this way.

    #781172 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Get counseling for yourself. You need to see this all clearly for your own sake. Then make decisions.

    #781179 Reply

    Mary

    Thank you for all the feedback. We got in a heated argument today. I haven’t been able to get my worries off my mind. I worry that he won’t be a positive influence on children in the future. I worry that he won’t be happy here living with me. I worry about it because I see the predecessors for it now that I feel like I do kind of throw it at him, which isn’t fair of me.

    I feel bitter and I feel like that is evident to him. I’m having a hard time feeling pleasant myself when I’m so worried whether I’m going to happy or not in the future.

    We got in an argument today because I was expressing my concerns again. Am I just scared that I won’t be happy with his desire to work on the road?? He said I can be manipulative. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I just know what I want and feel that I am very clear to him about that.

    We love each other… I’m just so scared that we are incompatible and have this sinking doubt that that is true. I don’t want it to be true. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

    #781180 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’m sorry to say that love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship or marriage. Pretty much all divorced people loved each other at some point. I have been in love with ex-boyfriends who were terrible for me in retrospect. You can love each other, but if you are not compatible & don’t want the same things in life, it just won’t work.

    It’s not fair to you to have to spend your relationship walking on eggshells because this guy has such a short fuse. Do you really want to spend your life feeling “nervous when he’s come home from a long ride, worried about his mood when he gets home”? Or having him get pissed off at you because you talked to him while he was playing his video games?

    It’s understandable that you feel scared and uncertain after investing 3 years with this guy and moving in with him. But you should really think long and hard about what you want and deserve out of a relationship. I think the suggestion of seeking counseling is a good one. You need to see all this clearly for yourself and not just have a bunch of strangers on the internet tell you.

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