Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Update: Is he losing interest or am I paranoid. He left me!
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tammy.
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Sith
I’ve been holding back from posting here cause I’ve been in shock.
I made a post almost three weeks ago about a guy that seems to he actually uninteresting all of a sudden.
I was asking if he was losing interest or if it was just in my head.
Yes, he did dump me and had lost internet.
I was like we had talked about making our relationship official and seeing more often so we can test to see if we are compatible before we make any decisions.But you guys were right, he did lose interest.
But what I do not understand is how he lost interest just in one day of meeting.
We agreed that we would take sometime to spend together and see what happens so how is it that after one day he just ends it and didn’t feel like anymore.He told me he didn’t feel the spark anymore like before but that it’s not because of that. And the reason reason for losing interest is that he actually changed his mind about wanting to date now. Something about freedom and doing his own thing.
He kept insisting that was the reason.
How do you stop liking and wanting to be with someone you’ve been wanting in one day?He said we can still be cool and hang out.
But this has made me to feel like it was something about me, like I wasn’t good enough , or I wasn’t as pretty or maybe the sex wasn’t good.
It just feels like something was wrong with me.
But he has seen me before, we’ve hung out and done stuff together.I haven’t been myself this past weeks, I’ve tried to go no contact and broken it twice already.
On one occasions that I broke contact, he admitted that he knows what he did to be was terrible but he thinks this is what is best.
And he would contact me when the time is right and maybe we can be cool.
Said he misses me too but this can’t be.I’ve gone into major depression, I’m crying my eyes out every day, I don’t shower or do anything.
Please don’t judge me, I honestly can’t help it. I just stay in bed and before I realise it , it’s night and I just sleep.I’m still just surprised by this and don’t understand what was wrong with me.
Raven
There is nothing wrong with You…
Please don’t place your value on a guy… You are worth so much more!
You’re struggling with depression. Please go see your Dr.
Ewa
Nothing wrong with you ! Stop thinking that way . It’s all on him not you .
Why crying over someone who can leave you just like that? Imagine actually being with this guy and never knowing if he’s going to leave you today or maybe not …
Saying this I am sure he did not change his mind after one day , I am more than sure that he was thinking about it for a while and again this has nothing to do with you .
How many times you left someone ? Or your friends ? Was there something wrong with the person they left ? Or they just weren’t for them ?You need to shift your energy and actually be thankful: one that he was honest enough to let you know ( a lot of girls on here are not that lucky !)
Two – you are free to find a man of your dreams . And I know right now you think he was that guy but trust me in a month or maybe even less you’ll be shaking your head in disbelief how you acted because of this man .AngieBaby
NOTHING is wrong with you. And he did you a favor by letting you go at the point he knew he wasn’t all in. And he told you straight up. It didn’t happen in one day, it either happens gradually or at the point when it’s time to take the next step and the person realizes they can’t do it.
Raven is right – you cannot base your self-esteem on being in a relationship. The right man will want you and gladly move forward. So this is not the right man for you. It’s natural to grieve the loss, so allow yourself the time and space to feel all your feelings and this period will run its course. However, if the staying in bed and crying continue for too long, you should see your doctor or a therapist.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. No one is going to judge you here, we know people have different reactions to break-ups.
Sith
Thank you for all your comments.
I’m really trying to let it go. It’s just been so hard just letting go of the fact that he could do this.
I guess I really saw him as a good person and he would never try to hurt me intentionally.I guess I so had alot of expectations and really felt this was going to be something that would work out.
He really seemed genuine.I’ll keep trying to forget about it all.
Tallspicy
How did he lose interest after meeting? Because you had 1 date. All the talking before was literally nothing. It meant nothing and had zero relevance on your chemistry or compatibility in real life. That is the lesson here… never invest emotionally in anyone not real, that means not your boyfriend. Talking for 6 months everyday, but never met… not real. Discussing a life together but never met… not real. Dating for two months in person, but not official… not real.
And no one owes you anything, ever, other than kindness. Which he gave you. He did not do anything other than date you. This is dating and if you over-invest or create a fantasy, that is on you.
And he was just talking in a general way about being with you. You had never met so it was what he meant in the moment. Men say loads in the moment that mean nothing beyond it, that is why you are not real until words and actions meet and the believe the one that is worse if they are inconsistent.
Sith
No offense but you literally have no compassion in your message @Tallspicy. I bet you are probably a guy.
But if you read my previous post you’d see that we have actually met a couple of times.
We have spent more than a day together in the past.
I was on study abroad so I wasn’t home for a while. We talked every day the whole time I was away and we spoke about how we had to make it official now that I was back home.Next time probably check the post before concluding and being mean.
Yes he may not owe me anything, but we both had an agreement we talked so many time about how we wanted things to be.
Even when I wanted to end it due to my travel he said it didn’t make sense since I was going to come home anyways and we should keep talking exclusively until I got back and we make it official.
So yes he did infact sort of owe me because he pushed the narrative of wanting a relationship.
And the moment I returned he dumped me.
Do you think I’d just be so hurt over someone I haven’t met?
Do you think I’d just be so hurt if he wasn’t pushing for us to be a couple when I get back?Yes men say things but if someone says or promises something then goes back on it how am I not supposed to be hurt.
And to think that we had the same conversation about being official a week before getting back but he still never told me he didn’t want anything anymore.
But no , he was so hyped about it.
He saw me and we had the best time, had sex with me and pretended like we were good then changes the next minute.
Wow! How kind he is.
Yes! i guess I’m being a brat and overeacting.So thank you for being so judgmental but I know I will get through it . 🙂
Sam
Tallspicy is not being mean, just honest. It’s called tough love.
And saying they must be a guy because they’re not showing any compassion? WOW!
Tallspicy actually gave you some great advise. Maybe come back and read it again when you’re not being so sensitive.
Tallspicy
I am not trying to be harsh, and I vaguely remember your story. But my message stands, the learning (not the mistake) is to not be invested before investment is merited which is when you are official (not talking about official) and words and deeds match. You did nothing wrong except to consider if you are creating fantasies or allowing someone else to create fantasies. I am sorry he changed his mind, it hurts, it happens and the most power you have is in the learning, which means learning he is not such a great guy!
AngieBaby
Sith, he’s not actually hurting you nor did he do this to hurt you. You’re hurting you with the story you’re overlaying on the facts of what happened, which is simply he changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. I’m not trying to be unkind or critical. This is a lesson I’ve learned that’s cut the suffering in my life down to almost zero and I’m offering you a chance to stop suffering, which it seems you are. It’s healthy and normal to be sad, disappointed, etc. when something doesn’t work out as you thought it would. And you can grieve that loss. But there is no need to take this as personally as you are.
Maybe this will put it into context for you. Last year I was working for a company that fell on hard times due to the pandemic. There was a small layoff and they told us they didn’t think it would be necessary to do more. Then there was a larger layoff, despite what they said. At that time, they assured us they had cut costs down to weather another year. But guess what… three months later, they laid off all but 30 people!
The lesson – they meant what they said at the time (like this guy did) and then things changed and they did the opposite of what they said (like this guy did). I was out in the third wave of layoffs. I was sad because I liked my colleagues very much and I spent time grieving that loss. But I moved on and found another job. I watched some of my former colleagues get bogged down with anger – “they lied, how could they do that??” – and all it did was hurt them because it took them longer than it should to find new jobs.
I was not surprised by the third layoff and in fact was already seeking another job because I was watching all the internal and external indicators rather than rely on their words, and the indicators said, trouble ahead.
Actions and the writing on the wall are what to watch. Talk is just talk, and anyone can talk a good game. But sometimes you get blindsided as you have been and that’s when you see it for what it is – the release of something that wasn’t meant to go any further and had run its course.
This may sound hard, but the reality is his promises weren’t a contract signed in blood. If you really care for someone, you want them to be happy and you let them go. And if you value yourself, you don’t want to hang around someone who doesn’t want you 100%.
Nothing lasts forever. Learning to let go with grace while honoring your feelings about it without getting dragged down is a valuable life skill to develop.
I hope this helps.
Sith
I’m not disputing the fact that don’t get too invested before it’s an official relationship.
But you all sound like, “oh he left you should have known better , you are taking it too serious”And this is why people shove down their feelings and don’t say anything when they get hurt when it’s not a relationship that developed fully.
Cause people will invalidate how you feel because oh it wasn’t an actual relationship so you should just move on like nothing.When the facts still remain that I asked we just be friends till I’m back and then we can talk about being in a relationship.
But he insisted and said we can make it work, he asked to be exclusive.
We have done, did and acted like a couple since we became exclusive.
We still had this conversation before returning about making it official when I get home and how we wanted this to go. But no he didn’t mention it then.Now I’m hurt and I’m the one taking it too serious and hurting myself?
I see, I bet you are all do tough you’ve never been lied to or manipulated before.Well thank you all.
The fact is that I’m hurt, you have no idea the back story and how much lies and manipulation happened here all because I traveled and wanted to wait till I got back,
Yes I may have been dumb about everything and put myself here but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to feel how I feel or feel like he was kind to me.
I’ve been in a depressive rot for weeks now and I’ve been trying so hard and I’m not here to get myself into a worse state.
I feel how I feel and I will get over it at some point.Thank you all and I’m out of here.
(P.s no need to give any further opinions of advice)AngieBaby
Sith, please get help in IRL for your depression immediately, because from your responses you are quite depressed and you are aware of that. No one here is telling you this is your fault and don’t have feelings about it, in fact it’s quite quite the opposite. We’re trying to help you regain your balance and your power in this situation. He did what he did, and yeah, it definitely sucks. You do have choices about how to handle it. We’re pointing out you’re taking the hard way, the disempowering and disabling route, and we’re trying to help you move past that. You posted and we are all responding trying to help you get up out of bed, learn what you can from this situation, grieve it and move on. I’m sorry you’re not in a place where you can hear that. Good luck.
Ewa
your response also shows that you do take things too personally , if you read this forum you will know that some replies are quite harsh but not in a bad way, more of an eye opener harsh. No one here is trying to offend you or blame you.
Tallspicy
Things out of your control: what he does and says. What you caused him to do – zero. What he is responsible for: what he says and does.
Things in your control:
A. who you choose, including choosing people who are manipulative. If this is a pattern, there is something subconsciously there that you can work on with a therapist. You don’t deserve to be manipulated, but if you stayed through manipulation you were aware of, that is something to learn about and never accept it again.
B. Being overinvested when things are new. You are not the only person ever dumped seemingly out of the blue.
C. How you interpret events…. The why why why is neither learning or empowering.
D. Giving yourself up to someone else by thinking their opinion of you is more important than your own. Never let anyone outside of you determine your value. It allows them to walk away with it.
E. Making sure words and actions match, and when they don’t, say ouch! That hurt! What a jerk … his words and actions don’t match, must be something wrong with him.Lane
One of the hard realities of life is people’s feelings change. I too would like a guy, initially, but then my feelings changed for no other reason than I simply stopped feeling it, like I had in the beginning. There was nothing wrong with the guy, it was just natures way of telling me he wasn’t “the one” for me but he would be the one for someone else. We don’t always know “why” our feelings change, they just do, which is why its hard to give an answer to someone other than their feelings naturally faded.
My youngest son (now 30) experienced this a lot in dating. He would really like a lady, start talking future, then in a couple months he would lose those feelings. He actually didn’t know what “love” felt like because his feelings never lasted long enough for him to experience it. He didn’t know the answer, and all I could tell him is “you haven’t met her yet, once you do, you will know.” He FINALLY met her, they are now engaged, and finally knows what love feels like.
The reason he ended it with you is because his feelings didn’t evolve into true love, its that simple. Infatuation is the hardest stage to get past, whereas, most couples don’t get past it, which is why you need to refrain from going “all in” until its absolutely clear the man is fully in, and even then it may not last, because love is one huge gamble. I know it sucks when it doesn’t work out, but its human nature, and the only thing you can do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the horse again until you find the man who falls in love with you, and thinks your the bee’s knees :o)
tammy
the posters have gone out of their way to explain and help the OP understand and handle the breakup. instead of feeling bad and angry, I think you shld try to understand what these ladies are trying to convey. sometimes the messages posted may be harsh but in this case i didnt see any harsh messages.
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