Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › To Move On WIthout Letting Them KNown
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Ss.
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Natalie
So I have a close guy friend, we have a romantic history, but decided we were better off friends. Now he calls to check in often, just to talk, but I feel like I am always on his case about calling me more and I recently realized it’s because I want him to treat me like a girlfriend and we can’t. I want more, but for reasons left unmentioned, we cant be more. He knows how I feel, and tries to be a decent friend, but again, my expectations from what they were before are really hard for me to let go of for some reason. His friendship is important, but my mental health should be more important, yet I cant get shake this. I think about it, stress when he doesnt call me, etc.. So my question is, since we’ve already had this discussion and he’s not interested in giving me anything other than friendship, should I just walk away and stop calling, if he calls great, but should I stop putting in the effort in hopes I can let go? He said I am extremely important to him, but I cant shake the jealousy I get, and the way I feel that I am his gf, when I know Im not.. if any of this makes sense?
Natalie
Sorry, my title is totally misspelled and just wrong.. lol
Elvira
I think for your own healing you need to stop communication with him. You can say to him I understand we are just friends and I need time with no contact to grasp the reality that we are just friends and nothing more. Please hold off on the contact until I am ready to reach out to you. He obviously cares about you but as a friend and if you are not ready to be just friends then letting him know is the best way. Hopefully he will respect that, if he continues to reach out then you will have to be firm and ignore the messages.
Newbie
Haha i only read the title after you pointed that out. Im very annoyed with my own grammar mistakes and typo’s.
I agree with a break but like elvira i said i would also let him know why you need it. Otherwise you get very awkward future situations where he contacts you and doesnt know why you dont respond. Or if you can do it, give up hope, give up any expectations. But thats hard for a lot of women to do. And what if you stay friends and he starts to date?
I think a break works best in this caseNatalie
Yeah, thats the hard part, I want so badly to give up hope and expectations and maintain that close friendship, but I just dont know HOW. Its so hard.
Newbie
I actually did it. I met my best friends when we were 12. Around the time we were 18 we were inseperatable. We started university and were with each other daily. We slept together (not sexual), we hugged. Its not that i was so in love but i just saw no other logical move than that we would be a couple. But he always told me no. When we were around 22 it got more complicated for me and frustrating. Why wasnt this happening? My best friend told me it was my choice. To stay friends or not but no more breaks. We stayed friends.
When we were 25 he wanted to tell me something. I swear i still thought it was good news for me. He saw green. And wrote in a letter he was gay. He had always known. I was so mad at him but also not mad. How can you be mad at someone who has issues. Anyway, to this day he os still my best friend and that means we have a solid 40 year friendship which is amazing but i also wasted my uni years by not being available.Ss
Its almost impossible to stay in close contact with a man you dated who just wants friendship. I have managed it though. I still had lots of feelings for him even knowing we would not work. I stopped contacting him first and restarted dating. I soon lost my feelings for him and now we are just great friends and nothing else and that’s fine with me. I have a boyfriend now anyway but he is still single. Having got to know him as a friend the flags that led me to think we should not date have become clearer- I was so right in diverting to friendship when I did as a relationship with him would be awful for me – even our friendship can be a bit trying at times when he is in a mood or lonely. It also is a bit of an issue with by boyfriend who isn’t jealous but not massively keen on meeting a guy I’ve dated and had sex with before and my friend wants to meet my boyfriend … covid is keeping this from happening and I think it will be fine when they do meet but its something to think about in your situation- they say friendships are often for reasons and seasons. He might drop you when he finds a girlfriend as you fill a companionship hole atm, or you might not want him around when you have a boyfriend. Fortunately my male friend and I have remained in a real friendship even when both in relationship so it wasn’t an issue for us. These things are not straightforward but you must put you and your needs first, whether thats a total break or just a bit of distance.
You were fine before him and you’d be fine without him. Only you know what’s right for you. All the best xx
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