Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › To Break-Up or To Wait?
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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SC
Been together almost 5 years, cyclical on-off relationship. We lived together in the very beginning of the relationship, when we were both in a bad place. It didn’t go well…
Since then it’s been four years of repair work. Of trying to grow up as individuals so we can come together.
We are cyclical because my wants clash with his comfort. I want a partner who wants to live with me, have kids, etc. He “doesn’t know if he is capable of all that.” So we break up and come back together again when he is feeling better about himself and us.
I bought a house a year ago. I want my lover to live with me and start building up our home and our family. However, it’s alway a damn fight.
Do I stay and wait for him to magically shift his beliefs about us. Or do I finally close the door and move on?
Newbie
Im usually on the mellow side when it comes to relationship questions that are long term already. But in this case i would sure break up. You want a family, he doesnt. At least he is making zero effort in getting there. The way to get a family is not to twist this guy into wanting one but find a man who wants the same thing. You wasted years on this cycle and although its really hard to say goodbye to the good and comforting parts of it, i hope you chose you and go look for what you want. If youre not sure about breaking up you can give this guy a deadline. But even if you did that and he steps up, you want to be with a guy that doesnt want a family with you for himself? I hope you can work it out
Anderson
I hope you realize that him feeling better about you two every time you break up holds no value. And what does “feeling better about himself and us” even mean?
Is there anything that makes him feel not ready? Is he working on his school, career or something? I’m aware there must be more details to give context but I’m struggling to give him the benefit of the doubt here.
I too don’t like sentencing other people’s relationships. But having problems living together, him not wanting a family, all this is very telling of him not wanting a serious relationship with you. Pretty serious incompatibility this. I strongly believe he isn’t going to passively change his mind the more you stay with him. It’s been 5 years already.
kaye
I think knowing how old you are would help. You talk about growing up together so maybe you are still young. A 25 year old who “doesn’t know if he is capable of all that” is much different than a 35 year old saying the same thing. At 20 I didn’t want kids after having babysat some serious brats from the time I was 12-18. But by 35 I had 3 kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world!!
Liz Lemon
Being on and off for 5 years…it’s been an unsteady relationship the whole time. That doesn’t bode well for the future.
Important issues like living together and having a family are “always a damn fight” in your words. It sounds like you two are a bad match. You’re not on the same page about major life issues.
I have to echo what’s already been said. You’ve invested a lot of time in this, and I know there must be some good things about the relationship…. but have to look at the big picture. You can’t twist a man into something he’s not. You can’t force him to want the same things you want. You’d be better off spending your energy finding a man who wants the same things you do.
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