Time spent together he feels it’s not enough


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  • #820493 Reply

    P

    I’m 3 months into seeing a guy. We are late 40s We are exclusive and he has made it very clear that this is a committed relationship etc.

    The issue we seem to constantly have is that he is not getting enough time with me. We spend every weekend together sat – sun and one full day a week. 9-8pm which includes dinner etc

    We only spend one night together though on the Saturday night as I have a young teenage child and I don’t want to do sleep overs just yet when my child is home. She is only away for one night a week. If there is a sleep over I spend the extra night with him.

    He is telling me that one night a week is not enough and it feels too casual as far as time together in person. Part of the issue is that he isn’t working now due to the pandemic and he is child free. I work and have a child.

    I would like to have have more time with him but I’m letting the relationship develop. It almost feels as though even though I have introduced an extra day a week and not just had every weekend that he is still not happy. We talk On the phone, Skype and text all day Every day but he wants more physical time over night. He feels it’s not a proper relationship if he isn’t staying over more than one night a week.

    What do you guys think ? Am I not giving enough ?

    #820503 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    This is a tough one. When I was dating, I intentionally only dated men who had a child or children because I wanted the man I was dating to understand the responsibilities of parenthood. (My bf and I both have one child each and are in our 40s).

    I don’t think this guy is necessarily wrong, but I think he might be wrong for you. I think you are giving him plenty of time, considering you’re a single parent. Every weekend plus one full day a week is a significant amount of time when you have a child, and you’re only dating 3 months. However, a man in his late 40s with no children can’t possibly understand what it’s like to balance parenthood and dating. If you read this site much you will see that three months tends to be more or less the timeframe when a relationship deepens (gets more serious), or ends. So he’s at the point where he wants to get more serious. But as a single parent, you need to take it slow (which I totally understand, being a single parent myself).

    It strikes me that he has so much time on his hands. Is he looking for a job? Does he have other friends/interests?

    Bottom line, this is a difficult situation and I really sympathize with you. To answer your question, I think you are giving plenty. You are a parent and that affects every aspect of your life. Unfortunately this guy doesn’t seem to understand that. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it sounds like you two are just not a good match, I’m sorry to say.

    #820523 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Has he met your child? Do you have an idea when you think sleep overs would be ok? Maybe you can give him a time frame.

    #820627 Reply

    mama

    You’re giving enough. He’s not working so he has a lot of time on his hands (and mind!) and you are the closest thing for him to focus on. However, he just needs to find a hobby or a project — or something that will help him focus on his own independence.

    My man is very intense and focused. When he doesn’t have a project, I become his project. (Not fun!) And then we run into issues about independence and self reliance, etc. I gently and lovingly remind him how we both like to do our own thing as well as together things, and how much happier he is when he has a project to focus on. And then he says something like “Ah, yes, you’re so right!” and goes back to the million self-initiated projects he loves working on and he becomes much happier. And then so do we as a couple.

    Being a couple is great! But maintaining a balance with our own needs (and real-life needs, like parenting!) makes everyone much happier.

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