This is sucking out my soul

Hello there, I don’t know what am I looking for here by sharing this, maybe some support, I don’t know.
This is a long story but I’ll try to make it short.
At the end of 2020, I met online this guy, let’s call him Ryan. After a month of talking, a mini ghosting and not meeting in person (we live in different cities, 3 hours by car), I decided to end it.
He reached out almost 2 months later and we started talking again but I made clear we needed to meet in person, he agreed and he chose the date: the next month (January).
We talked during that month and he was blowing hot and cold as always. I was quite upset about everything but he’s good with words and I obviously have self-esteem issues and my mum was dying so yeah, my head was a mess.
But things seemed relatively “normal” between us until he disappeared for 2 weeks. I reached out to him, we resumed our conversations and he told me he was “depressed” and dealing with a lot of stuff. Boom! He ghosted me two weeks later.
2 months later, he tried to come back and sent this really long message that I couldn’t read entirely because he deleted it. I didn’t even reply to that.
3 months after that, he came back as if nothing ever happened. Oh yes, he apologised and talked about meeting up but I blocked him 10 days later because that time (finally) I got angry because it was the same bulls**t.
Then, at the end of October, I got drunk and I unblocked him (yes, I want to slap myself as well). We started talking again, he started talking about the future and us. I fell for that crap again. We also made plans to meet up in December, he even booked our accommodation.
But he’s cold and distant again. He blames it on his depression. But he’s not too depressed to talk to other girls online and he told me the same before ghosting me, so I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I’m exhausted.